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walk…. in what direction?

2012-01-13T21:14:00.001-08:00

Walk by faith, not by sight.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on His understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.

“I know the plans I have you for you,” says the Lord. “Plans to give you hope and future.”

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything with prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God. And the peace of Christ, which is beyond comprehension, will guard your heart and your mind.

(All the above are the from the Malinda Paraphrased Version.)

We know these words. We KNOW these truths. If it were written like questions on a test, we would answer correctly. When someone walks through a trial, we promptly reply with these solutions. And rightly so, because they ARE truth.

But that golden opportunity to actually live our beliefs that seems much more exciting in concept then in reality. We store up these scriptures and promises like stocking up on bread and milk before a bad storm. But when the storm hits, do we decide that bread and milk no longer sound appealing, but we’d rather have pop-tarts and soda instead?

Ok, so that seems like a stretch of an analogy, but stick with me here. We study God’s word and strive to apply it to our lives. Everything seems to make sense and we’re ready for anything. Until that “anything” happens. Then our peace flies out the window as we fret and panic. Sure, we profess that God has it under control and we trust Him. But if this was honest, why are we such a mess? Do we just not truly believe it? Where is the disconnect? Why do we trade in the things we know to be right for a bigger mess?

This must be the part where I jump in with a new, shinier scripture that makes our process clear. Maybe something from Paul about doing what we don’t want to do? Or maybe something even more encouraging than our familiar passages… perhaps an obscure verse we somehow failed to notice before? Then again, maybe it’s this “magic word” theology that produces such weak faith from the beginning.

I can’t offer the ultimate solution, because I’m still working it out for myself. All my studying and learning have produced a good head knowledge of the “right answers”- and they ARE right. My continuing life journey with God is fortifying my heart with these truths, so that it will remain steady on the rock foundation during the inevitable and reoccurring storms.

But we’re weak until the roots of God’s truth burrow deeply in our soul. I think that’s where the difference is found, the difference between freaking out during the chaotic stuff versus taking shelter under the Shadow of the Almighty during the same hurricane. I’m reading about book about “Swamplands of the Soul” which points out something the book of James has tried to tell us for years. All the trying seasons are not necessarily evils to be avoided, but birthing places for beautiful growth in us. What this mainstream book doesn’t include is that the swamplands provide a brilliant canvas for God’s artistry, too. When there’s lots of room for Him to work, there’s a lot He can do.

As usual, I do not write these words as a “sermon from a soapbox”. I am literally sitting on my couch, typing what I am trying to work out for myself. Unexpected circumstances have overturned the plans I had- for school/career stuff, living situation, and other miscellaneous matters. 90% of me is freaking out- literally. The other 10% is writing this, thinking, praying, and clinging to the hope that lives in the truths we know. I have a feeling if we share that little bit we all have in us, it could become something stronger altogether.

fresh sheet of paper?

2012-01-05T19:30:00.001-08:00

If I was the type of girl who made New Year’s resolutions, I would (once again) strive for more disciplined blogging.

If I was still the type of girl who set goals for the coming year, I would definitely aim to post more frequently.

But since I’m a girl who isn’t sure what this year will bring, I won’t set myself up for failure.

I’m still going to attempt better blogging, though. For real. I promise.

It’s difficult to dance my way into 2012 when 2011 still hauntingly lingers. While my long-term goals remain the same, the short-term details have changed and require regrouping. There are many personal issues and emotions that are still unresolved from the past year. The date changed, but who says our new beginnings correspond with a calendar? Am I the only person who doesn’t feel like January wiped the slate clean?

But for now, here’s the obligatory recap:

Since my last entry, my doctor decided that mania wasn’t the best idea, so yet another medication has brought me to a healthy normal level of existence. For now. But that is another matter for another discussion.

The Christmas show was successful. :) After a nice little holiday break, Masquer is about to begin a production of “Godspell”. This also means that many of us are “in training” to prepare for high energy performances that include simultaneous singing and dancing. So yay for lots of exercise and excessively healthy eating and the like. Thankfully, my spring semester includes a twice-weekly yoga class.

Christmas itself was lovely… the lights, festivities, music, gifting, fun times with loved ones, special church services….. all good things. :) My church blessed me by providing needed funds to cover a parking ticket (and then some). This literal Christmas miracle overwhelmed my heart with gratitude.

Additionally, my parents and Claudia visited! For the past week, we’ve been doing vacation-y things. I’m quite proud of my tour guide skills (particularly with budget activities!), and am glad to offer my services to all of you who visit! For the curious, here are a few things we did/saw/experienced:

- Redondo Beach pier

- Cabrillo Marine Aquarium and tidepools

- New Year’s Eve at the Long Beach Waterfront

- a little bit of hiking in the San Gabriel mountains

- shopping at the Americana

- a quick visit with the Hollywood sign

- a tour of Sony Studios

(disclaimer: i did not take a single one of those photos, but they are as accurate as possible… you get the idea.)

Now that the family has returned home, 2012 has officially begun- whether I am ready or not. Here’s to a school-free January full of productivity and creative accomplishment. Here’s to a year blessed by the good things of last year and stronger because of the challenges. I raise my glass to a healthy combination of optimism and something resembling wisdom.

And I pray that God is smiling on your new year, too.

i am AWAKE

2011-12-04T00:49:00.001-08:00

It is midnight. In six hours, I should be out of bed and walking dogs around the block until they are good and empty. We have a special service at church tomorrow, which requires looking nice and being there early to prepare. The kids are dancing and (hopefully) singing, and reciting memory verses. We will have special guests. It’s a big deal.

It would be really nice, responsible, and healthy if I went to bed now- or an hour and a half ago. But i can’t. I canNOT sleep. My mind is awake. I think my body agrees with being awake. There is energy that must be spent.

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe this is mania. Whee!

I feel like baking cookies. I could work on a screenplay, but I lack focus. Christmas crafting would be lovely, but the results might be sloppy. Maybe I’ll do yoga. If I didn’t have to be up early, the possibilities would be endless. And a small part of my brain still contains the voice of common sense.

And a smaller part of my brain wonders how I could be drifting into manic territory while on the medication. But i don’t stop there long enough to produce explanations. I can let the professionals figure that out. And really, is this too much personal information for a blog?

Meanwhile, let me show you something that Kelly taught me that is super helpful. Basically, you can use a sock to make a good bun, and wearing it overnight leaves curls in the morning:click here for video because for some reason it won't let me embed it.

Also, are you guys loving Pinterest??

*******

I lost track of where I was going with this. Poseidon left the couch, and I followed him to make sure he didn’t mark anything (two days without an incident! woot!). Then, I thought, “Candy Cane Jo-Jo’s sound really good. A couple more wouldn’t be horrible, right? ‘Tis the season, after all….” I suppose peppermint Oreos are not going to help me sleep.

You know, I don’t know anyone else who is bipolar. Sometimes (a lot of times), I wish I did. My friends are amazing and supportive, but what would it be like to know someone who understands by experience?

Tomorrow is our final rehearsal before tech week! This year’s Christmas show is more of a performance art concert with narration surrounding a loose plot. It’s pretty. There are angels. Someone described it as “a breath of fresh air from holiday madness.” And I hope all you So Cal people see it next weekend. It’s fun and it’s free- and it’s good- so there’s not reason not to come.

So let’s recap…. big, important worship service at WorkChurch tomorrow. Big, long, extended rehearsal at the theatre. Plus all the other stuff from school and Christmas prep and life details that require attention. You know what would be a good thing to do? If you you answered “sleep” in a tone that could also mean “duh, stupid”, you are probably absolutely correct.

But I’ll probably do yoga anyway.

avoidance is my gift

2011-11-28T19:43:00.001-08:00

I moved my laptop to the kitchen table so that the comfy chair wouldn’t be so inviting. Somehow, it’s easier to stay on task in a wooden chair, instead of sucked into facebook and games while curled up in something softer.

Then I made lists. Lists are deceptively procrastinative under the guise of being productive. On one hand, it helps to organize thoughts and priorities. On the other, more honest hand, it helps me put off the more substantial tasks.

Then I made my workstation a little more…. cozy? I’ve ready about bad study habits, and they include making a nest. This is a strategy that i’ve often employed. Just last week, I prepared for a big presentation from my pillow/blanket/couch nest. Everything was in arm’s reach- food, drink, remote controls, laptop, notebook, backpack…. And to be fair, I did accomplish everything by deadline.

Today my kitchen-table-“nest” includes my backpack on the chair next to me, a candle lit in my rainbow mosaic holder, a (now empty) bottle of coconut water, notebook/pen/homework, and Jonah, the neighbor’s fish we are keeping until they return from a trip. As you can see by the fact that I am writing a blog entry, this set-up is encouraging great progress.

Also by my side is a spray bottle of water. This is intended for quick, effective dog discipline. However, it is not always quick nor effective. Sometimes, it is just better to usher all three dogs into my room for some downtime, whether they like it or not.

Yes, I said THREE dogs. We have our own little pack over here. In addition to Tootsie and Yoshi, we have acquired a little man named Poseidon.

Seen here with Yoshi in a rejected Christmas card photo.

Kelly and I discovered Poseidon while riding bikes through the neighborhood. When attempts to find and reunite him with his family failed, we couldn’t just leave him at the animal shelter to face almost-certain euthanization (at four years old and with imperfect appearance, he was not likely to be adopted when there are so many puppies available). So Poseidon came home with me. When Kelly and Tootsie move out, this will also work out particularly well for alleviating Yoshi’s separation anxiety.

But now I’ve strayed from my nest of procrastination. If you’re really interested in knowing the latest “life updates”, they are as follows:

-School is busy (nearing semester’s end).
-Work is busy (in the midst of holiday season with it’s special services and events).
-Theatre is busy (our show opens December 9th and only runs one weekend. Come see it!).
-Christmas plans are busy (gift preparations take a little longer when your broke (but crafty!) self is making things).
-My family is coming to visit for New Year’s, so there is preparation for that (plus cleaning if my mother is going to see my apartment).

And so it goes. With that, I should post this and actually work on my homework instead of just feeling comforted by its nearby presence. Besides, the dogs are mostly quie- nevermind. i should’ve known better than to type that. Excuse me while I spray a barking Tootsie and rescue an innocent fish from an inquisitive and surprisingly agile chihuahua.

octoberween

2011-10-19T20:53:00.001-07:00

Things have been quite… seasonal… lately. I’ve never been a huge fan of Halloween, but something has apparently inspired me to embrace the novelty of October (and then November and December, of course).

My name is Malinda, and I have celebrated the fall season in the following ways:

- I pulled out Kelly’s Halloween decorations, and now you can find a big fuzzy spider on the entertainment center, a sparkly ghost on the coffee table, my pumpkin teddy bear on the radiator, a fake-but-lit jack o’lantern on top of the dryer, and orange Christmas lights (Halloween lights?) hanging from the ceiling.

- For editing homework, I chose to watch and evaluate a scene from The Nightmare Before Christmas. It can also be noted that Kelly has a coordinating blanket on the couch.

- Also, we turned off the lights last night, popped some popcorn (on the stove with coconut oil! woot!), and watched Paranormal Activity 2.

- We are burning festive candles and the wax melty things frequently. Not only does this make the house smell all warm and cozy, but it makes me worry less about puppy odors.

- Apple cider has been enjoyed, both chilled and warm in mugs.

- Halloween costume pieces are currently being assembled, and will premiere at a party Sunday evening and again on Halloween night.

- Two pumpkins are sitting on the counter. The plan is to carve them in the next week or so. Though, if they remain uncarved, they can carry over into November, since they’re still all harvest-y and stuff.

- There has been talk of a caramel apple from Rocky Mountain Chocolate…. must increase exercise in preparation.

So while I still delight in every summer-y day we receive (thank you, October in southern California!), I shall also revel in the stuff that only comes once a year(ish). We may not have much in the way of color-changing or brown crunchy leaves, but our plants won’t die from frost, either. So as I sit all cozy in my hoodie and fuzzy socks on a chilly evening, I bid you happy autumn.

my dog, the devil

2011-10-12T23:54:00.001-07:00

“Job” opened! That was the big happening of the weekend. On one hand, tech week and the run of a show are inherently busy- travel to and from the theater, long rehearsals, performances, and after-show meals at Denny’s….

Then there was the added element of opening a show that is completely original and unlike our typical musicals. I was a little bit nervous, but people seem to be liking it. While it is an intense show, the response is encouraging. We have one more weekend of performances, and I really hope that word-of-mouth will continue to bring audiences.

Meanwhile, the world doesn’t stop for a show and regularly scheduled busyness continues. We’ve entered holiday season at workchurch: harvest fest –> Thanksgiving –> Christmas –> prep for next year. It doesn’t sound exciting in writing, but it consumes a good deal of thought/time/energy. There are some really good things happening with our kids though as we’re integrating them into church life as a whole. :)

Yoshi had to get a couple of baby teeth pulled yesterday…. It would’ve been awesome if she lost them naturally like all the others, instead of the $400 way….

Speaking of Yoshi- an interesting thing happened the other morning. It was breakfast time for the dogs, and each of them had food in their own bowls. Yoshi decided that she would rather have Tootsie’s meal, so she growled, threatened, and bullied her way into her bowl. Tootsie just stood by, watching and looking helpless as the puppy took kibble that was rightfully hers. Nevermind that Tootsie is much bigger and stronger than Yoshi. In fact, if the two ever really fought, Yoshi would be wiped out before she knew what hit her. So why in the world would Tootsie allow her to steal food?

She looks innocent here, but don’t be fooled.

The sweet but mighty boston terrier.

I know I have Job and accompanying spiritual warfare on the brain. But isn’t that how we react to Satan sometimes? We have God on our side and the Holy Spirit in our hearts. We learn and recite, “Greater is He that is in you”. And contrary to popular belief, Satan is not the opposite of God. They are not even close to equal. The devil started out as an angel- one of many created beings. You know, the created beings that we’ll be above once we make our way to heaven. Satan’s got an attitude problem and a mean streak that gain attention, but he’s really small potatoes compared to the Almighty Creator who just so happens to a)love us, b)fight for us, and c)fill us with His spirit to pack an even more powerful punch to a pesky devil.

That’s right. God’s got our back. Bring it.

punk.

So why do we freak out when temptation and trouble come our way? Why are we intimidated by a devil who growls, barks, and makes noise, but we are more than capable to fight? Has he really convinced our sweet, trusting selves that he can bully his way into our food bowl and take what he wants?

It’s not that easy…. or is it? I know I’ve certainly cowered at Satan’s threats and lies. Perhaps it’s time to remember the proper perspective, regain our rightful place, and reclaim our stolen breakfast.

weekend away, now something to say

2011-10-03T11:10:00.001-07:00

Our church is building a youth group. As a congregation of young families, this is the first time there have been students old enough for youth, so we have the opportunity and challenge to start a program from scratch. Exciting! In the spirit of beginning with a solid foundation and creating good things, I was sent to the National Youth Workers Convention in San Diego this weekend.

It was fun, as youth workers like doing all the things kids like to do, whether those kids are present or not. So yes, there was Mario Kart and ping pong and a rock wall and a good deal of free stuff (yay free stuff!). Of course there were the standard sit-here-and-learn-stuff seminars, but the big group sessions were a mix of music and worship and dynamic, varied speakers (yes, i said dynamic. and yes, it’s cliche. but it’s also true so go with it), comedy acts, videos, and those shark balloons that look like they’re swimming as they fly through the air (side note: i have been dying to see one of these things in action the minute i saw them on youtube).

Yes, I learned a lot of valuable info that will hopefully be implemented into our program- even beyond the youth room. Also, so many resources were collected that I’m ready to dive into- like curriculum and local service ideas. So my mission was accomplished.

What I wasn’t expecting was the personal stuff that God had planned. As the conference began, I quickly began to suspect I was the only person who attended solo. Anticipating awkwardness and hoping to meet and hang out with new people, I walked into the large main room with strategically designed stage, lighting, and a dj establishing atmosphere. Yeah, pretty much what I expected. Then there was the singing and praise and worship and- that was when God mentioned one tiny little fact-

“You haven’t been worshipping Me.”

me: “Of course I have, silly God. I worship during church every Sunday morning! Ok, so my mind is also on children’s sermons, lesson plans, and meetings, etc… but I also make sure to do some worship and praying in the car on my way there to prepare and make sure I cover my ‘worship quota’.”

God: “Yeah, try focusing right now withOUT those distractions and see what I mean.”

And what do you know- the Almighty God was absolutely correct. And I was glad I was alone while I broke down in tears in actual worship (because we know that if I was with a friend or church person, I would resist vulnerability like a kid rejects broccoli). Then God decided to address a few other issues.

You know when there’s a problem and someone pulls you aside to discuss it away from everyone else? That’s what this felt like. In the solitary confinement of my (quite comfy) hotel room, God talked me through reading, journaling, praying, listening, and addressing the big issues of the past year. It wasn’t instant complete healing- that process with continue to take time- but He demolished a big chunk of the wall I’ve been diligently building around my heart.

me: “So now what, God? We’ve established that I’m quite broken. Doesn’t that make me too defective to properly shepherd the precious young lives at church?”

And so we processed that one together the next day. A couple different speakers referenced the story of the woman at the well, and pointed out that she ministered to her entire town without being completely put together and without understanding all the answers. Furthermore, my experience with the dark struggles of bipolar disorder equips me to handle issues that many youth workers don’t understand or even fear. There’s no way I could relate to someone who’s stranded at rock bottom if I didn’t reside there myself. But I have to get through to the other side in order for this to happen.

So I was feeling pretty good about things, and caught myself actually thinking (adventurously expectant, even) about the future- something I had previously given up. I felt ready for the evening’s speaker, Jamie Tworkowski from To Write Love On Her Arms. I knew that the subject matter would hit close to home (for the story behind TWLOHA, click here and scroll down). When Jamie said, “I don’t have the answers”, I wanted to say, “But you do!” The common thread between his story, my story, and even the stories of other people is this: when someone is in trouble, it takes a team of support LIVING active love to change or save a flailing life. He and his friends surrounded a girl in need, and took every possible practical step to walk with her to recovery. When I got lost this spring, my family of dear friends held onto hope for me when I couldn’t grasp it. They walked through every practical task, holding my hand to pull me up.

In “Christianese” we call this “being the hands and feet of Christ”. In straight-up English this means love in real-life action. We MUST do this- in ministry and outside the church walls- it’s not an option or going the extra mile. It is a requirement for people to live.

Holy cow, this is longer than intended. If I could, I’d give you a cookie for sticking with me and reading this far. But I had to tell you where I went this weekend. I’m the woman who went to a well for one purpose (youth ministry training), and left with unexpected living water. The only logical thing to do next is share with everyone who will listen.

Oh, and on the last day, I finally met a group of fantastic guys from West Virginia. So I even got to hang out with fun new people. It was worth the drive to San Diego, don’t you think?

the normalcy of busyness

2011-09-28T22:40:00.001-07:00

The round-up:

Busy is good. Also, it appears that the current medication is actually working. These two elements combine to make something that resembles normalcy.

Busy consists of these things:

Work: October begins “holiday season” at church- harvest festival, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and all the fun details that go with them. Additionally, I get to attend the National Youth Workers Convention in San Diego this weekend!

School: Nothing super interesting to report, just continuing the production class and the once-a-week-freaking-five-hour-long editing class. I still haven’t regained the enthusiasm I lost in the spring, but I’ll continue to give my best effort until it returns. Could it be that I just need a reminder that I can actually succeed in this industry instead of playing around with an unrealistic dream?

Theatre: “Job” opens next Friday. There’s not a lot of preparation on my part, just attending the final rehearsals and being on hand to run sound cues and the like. I think that makes me a little more nervous that usual. During a typical show, I’m focused on performing (or if not, tech-ing backstage). Now, all I can do is watch and hope the audience likes this project that has consumed our thoughts and energy for the past nine months. It’s not a feel-good musical romp that people are used to seeing from Masquer. It’s wordy. This semi-unfamiliar book of the Bible is not an easy read, so will it be understood when seen and heard? Will everyone zone out during the monologues and miss the message? Will the typical church person who attends a performance be accepting of the creep factor of Satan and his demons? Don’t misunderstand- I believe it’s a good show, and the actors are doing a stellar job with a big script (memorizing the complicated lines is a feat in itself!). And it’s exciting to watch the production unfold from just an idea to reality.

And the rest of it: Yoshi is making regular appearances at the vet this week- first for a bee sting and soon to get some baby teeth pulled before they cause additional health problems. Meanwhile, I’m brainstorming budget Christmas gift ideas, so if you crafty folks have any helpful websites or resources, please let me know. In unimportant time-wasters, Kelly and I diligently watched all 157 episodes of Desperate Housewives (from season one until the most recent) in preparation for this current (and final) season. The amount of time devoted to this project was both sad and amazing.

Overall, the fact remains that i’m still in a recovery process from the crash in the spring, and recovery is slow. But the normalcy of busyness seems like a good sign of hope quickly approaching on the horizon.

when i quit writing

2011-09-08T20:15:00.001-07:00

There was so much I wanted to tell you, but I just couldn’t. Blame it on being busy, blame it on still trying to find the right balance of medication, blame it on the cycle that leads to depression, or blame it on laziness, if you want. But i just couldn’t write.

If it makes you feel better, my paper journal isn’t seeming much action these days, either. So you shouldn’t take my neglect personally.

I wanted to tell you about our kayaking trip in Long Beach. We swam with moon jellies and with my dive mask I could look at them from underneath (don’t worry, they don’t sting). The paddling back was quite a test of endurance, and God basically cleared His almighty throat and reminded me the truth in many of Paul’s letters. Endurance is not easy, but it’s necessary. As much as I want to give up when everything seems hopeless, i canNOT stop paddling. One stroke at a time- even if it feels like there’s nothing left- but stopping is not an option.

In other animal news, I also wanted to tell you about feeding giraffes at the San Diego Zoo with my cousin, Bethany. Being so close, being seen by their big, kind black eyes, and touching their soft noses was a little bit amazing.

If entries were posted regularly, you would hear about the progress of of “Job” (we open in four weeks!), creating a Butterbear the Wuzzle costume for an 80’s cartoon party, my friend giving birth to twins, and Yoshi learning how to give high-five. There’d be stories about playing laser tag with church kids and dropping my phone in a toilet. I’d tell you how, after reading Ezekiel 46, I wondered if we’ve gotten the Sabbath all wrong. We think it’s all about what we DON’T do, that we forget the importance of what we DO. Not only do most of forget to even observe a Sabbath each week, we miss the point entirely. Yes, it’s about rest. But should there also be an element of honoring God or worship or something? I’m not sure what this actually looks like in “real life”, but back in the day, there was a lot of directions for how to worship. I wonder how that transfers to here and now.

Then, I might mention that the school semester has begun. I’m taking one production class and a (five-hour-once-a-week!!!) editing course. And for some reason, I’m not as enthusiastic about it as usual.

But maybe that’s because it feels like someone turned on a faucet of sadness, and then it got stuck. Trying to remember that “this, too, shall pass” is a little bit difficult when it takes every smidgen of energy to complete basic routine tasks. And that leaves very little inspiration to write. Besides, even if I am stuck in a cycle of ups and downs, that doesn’t mean everyone wants to hear about it. You can only watch the carousel turn so many times before you tire of seeing the same horses over and over and over again.

everything and nothing

2011-08-07T20:42:00.001-07:00

When August arrives, it feels like the beginning of the end of summer. While we still experience warm weather well into October and beyond, when fall semester begins there is less time for summer activities. So while I still have three weeks left, it seems as if summer is almost finished.

I had a few goals for this time. Most of it was taking life slowly for a little bit, but I did want to learn to surf, go out on more dives, and get down to my pre-medication weight. I suppose there’s no official deadline for these things, but in three weeks I will return to the regular rush of work+school+theater+life in general.

But the slow days are not a waste. It’s important to me to make each day matter. If I close my eyes at night without accomplishing something worthwhile, it’s as if I’ve carelessly thrown away my day. This week, that has been in the form of adventurous bike rides around the neighborhood, teaching Yoshi new tricks, and watching Desperate Housewives on Netflix between workchurch tasks.

There a few things i can't (or shouldn't) share in a blog:
- details of daily bipolar struggles
- fights with family or friends
- issues i'm working out in therapy

That leaves little else to say for now. Lately, my life has been about the moments- like tasting a perfectly ripe peach from the farmers market or feeling the damp, clear air when I take Yoshi out first thing in the morning (or running from lawn sprinklers when I take her out for the last time at night). Then again, those are the moments that get lost in the shuffle when fall returns. Perhaps I should treasure them while I can.

it’s no wonder

2011-07-26T12:32:00.001-07:00

Everyone knows the difficulty of returning to work after a long weekend. And I suppose I have no reason to even compare my flexible schedule with any 9-to-5-er’s. But that’s the only explanation i have for my scattered lack of discipline and motivation today.

We had a busy weekend celebrating Kelly’s birthday. On Saturday, we checked out the L.A. Zoo. There we met Reggie, the alligator.

I admire Reggie for his escapism skills and spirit of independence. A few years ago, he was spotted in a pond at a local park. He eluded capture many times, to the point where the city was calling experts, like Steve Irwin (who sadly died right before his trip to L.A.). When Reggie was finally caught, he was moved to a lovely home at the zoo- where he promptly escaped again. Seriously, I would love to have seen the look on the face of the zoo employee who discovered Reggie’s absence. As you can see, he was found and returned to his lovely zoo home, where he gets thousands of admiring visitors. And I think there’s even a children’s book about Reggie….

Sunday was a typical work day, with duties at church followed by a picnic with a neighboring congregation. Then I headed to Anaheim to attend rehearsal for “Job”. This was the first time seeing the staging since the initial table read. It’s amazing to watch actors breathe life into a written script. I’m very excited about the project and honored to have such a role in its production.

Yesterday was another first. Thanks to a fantastic deal on groupon, we took a boat to Catalina island!

Catalina is about 25 miles from the “mainland”, and you can see the outline of its mountains from our coast on a clear day. The main tourist-y town is called Avalon, and hosts shops and restaurants, as well as a theater and churches. People do live over there, so there is a school, golf course, and other life necessities. It reminded me of Lakeside, the little resort town on Lake Erie where we attended church conference each year- only this was Lakeside amped up quite a few notches.

On our day trip, we explored the area with a golf cart, swam a little by the beach, and had a tasty meal. One of these days we’ll come back for a weekend, and bring our snorkel gear. The water was so clear that while standing on shore, you could see the orange garibaldi swimming around. Also, there is a massive zip line that is begging me to try.

So now it’s back to summer as usual. I still have mixed feelings about the amount of free time during summer break for school. I feel like I should find a new writing project or something, but wonder if that defeats the purpose of slowing down until fall semester begins….

dog days aren’t over

2011-07-20T19:09:00.001-07:00

Where is the line drawn between nurturing your dog and spoiling them?

A quick trip to the pet store today yielded a bag of food (plus samples! Centinela Feed & Pet Suppies has the best customer service!), two edible nylabones, and one durable nylabone. Why I didn’t get one more baffles even me. Of course, it only took Tootsie five minutes to devour her edible bone, with Yoshi clocking in at twenty minutes. I busted out the durable bone, and immediately remembered that these pups don’t like to share. There was only one reasonable course of action.

I walked to the store.

Nevermind that I’m still limping from a twisted ankle (slippery post office marble stairs + biking home + klutzy me). It didn’t matter that I’d already spent money on these creatures, or that they already have existing toys. It was imperative that they weren’t fighting over the same new toy.

And that is how I found myself walking out of CVS with a “ruffin’ it DuraBone rubber dental toy.” Surely this would satisfy Tootsie, the Boston Terrorist and her sidekick, Yoshi the Young, for at least a few days.

I made a pit stop at Yum Yum Donuts on the way home. Just one soft donut sounded like heaven. And hadn’t I been burning calories through these walking errands? A family of three adults was in front of me, carefully selecting their variety of donuts through a rapid conversation in Spanish with the donut lady. During that time, I thought it wise to make my fat-filled choice to speed things up when it was my turn. That’s when I saw it- The FLY. It landed right next to the glazed-with-chocolate-icing I was carefully considering. That was the moment I turned right around to exit this house of sinful delights. Donut craving successfully eliminated.

I walked in the door, somewhat satisfied with the healthiness of my choice (as if I were strong-willed enough to resist temptation instead of just grossed out by unsanitary food). I unwrapped the precious new DuraBone, glad I had reached a canine compromise.

Seven minutes later, I was fishing rubber pieces out of Yoshi’s mouth and collecting the chunky remains of the so-called “Dura”Bone from Tootsie’s jaws of doom. So now we are back to sharing the original bone… at least until they destroy that, too.

And on that note, shall we end with a Plinky prompt?
“If you could banish any one person from your life, who would it be? Why?”

First impression: This is a cruel question.
Second impression: People are too precious to even consider this.
Third impression: Satan is the easiest answer. He’s a punk and screws up everything he touches. But Satan isn’t a person. So…. I got nothing. If I’ve learned anything from my recent drama, it’s that people are in our lives for a reason. I thought that other people’s lives would be better if I wasn’t in them, but that doesn’t seem to be the correct answer, either. The challenges now can change in a heartbeat. Maybe the question should be, who are you glad you included in your life?

day trippin’

2011-07-18T08:37:00.001-07:00

Plinky's prompt today say, “Describe the longest road trip you’ve ever taken.”

Since moving to the west coast, i’ve driven to San Diego, Laughlin, Las Vegas, and the Colorado River somewhere near Arizona (I didn’t actually drive, so I paid little attention). While all of these were long treks through the desert (blah,desert), They were not as long as the vacation road trip we took as a kid.

The memories are a little hazy since it was so long ago, but it started with a Mickey Mouse figurine hot-glued to the top of a plastic blue Kraft Cheese Singles box. This was representing the money we were saving to go to every kid’s dream destination- Disney World. It was my life goal to ride the “Dumbo” flying elephant ride (though for most of childhood, I thought that the flying elephant ride at local kiddie fair, Fantasy Farm, was just that).

The preparations for the trip helped amp the excitement level. Mom and Dad were actually quite wise as they anticipated the long hours spent in the minivan. They gave each of use a suitcase to fill with things to do. Some of these things were snack or new toys & books we weren’t allowed to touch until we were on the road. I got the farthest back seat in the van, while Becca settled in the middle. We had plenty of space to spread out and enjoy the hours down I-75.

We visited relatives in Kentucky, Rock City in Tennessee, stopped at a hotel in Georgia, and finally made it to Orlando.

We stayed in a hotel that was designed with kids in mind, and Mom and Dad left us at their kids club a couple of times while they had grown-up time. We also checked out Universal Studios, where we discovered after my freak-out on the Back to the Future and the Earthquake rides that I was slightly claustrophobic (lame, I know). I was disappointed that the E.T. bikes didn’t actually fly, but the King Kong ride was intimidatingly cool. Also, Dad roped us into filming a Star Trek episode. Yes, somewhere in this world there is video evidence of my in a Star Trek uniform and fake typing on the U.S.S. Enterprise (if I remember correctly, my shirt was red. I should’ve taken that as the first warning sign). As a consolation for tolerating Star Trek exploitation, we also got to check out Nickelodeon Studios.

Now, here’s where it gets interesting. I don’t remember much of our day at Disneyworld at all. I know it rained. We went on the 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea subs, and I was disappointed that the fish and sharks were styrofoam. I don’t remember riding Dumbo, but I do know we walked though Toontown and met Mickey. My sister made a gift for him, a yarn necklace. We rode Space Mountain and saw the Haunted Mansion. This is all I can remember about the biggest vacation of our childhood, despite being ten or eleven years old. This slightly concerns me.

On our way back home, we stopped at the beach. We thought we’d got to Daytona beach, but a little car race halted those plans…. So we drove up the coast a little way, and might have stopped in North Carolina. I’m not entirely sure. But it was my first time seeing the ocean- ever. And I loved it even then.

So there you have it. Biggest road trip ever (for little me), through seven states and hitting some pretty big destinations.

What’s your favorite road trip memory? I really want to know!

prompting

2011-07-15T21:01:00.001-07:00

Remember week-long Vacation Bible School? The games and crafts, the songs and stories…. it was the staple of every summer. It’s also been the focus of my week. It’s a little different from the adult perspective. There are so many details that need covered, you often forget about all the fun stuff. Almost. A quick game of “Spud” with some 2nd-graders, or pelting the kids with some marshmallows during the skit will quickly remind a person about the joys of VBS.

Of course, there is real joy in finally sleeping in tomorrow morning as well.

As you’ve probably heard on the news, they’re closing a major freeway tomorrow. Everyone is all worked up over the inconvenience and the prediction of traffic nightmares.My big plans this weekend involve staying home. I have a hunch that the traffic won’t be as bad as expected, except the immediate area of the construction. We’ll see if the media is blowing yet another minor event way out of proportion…..

In other news….. wait, I don’t really have other news. Life is pretty quiet right now, especially with no school during the summer. My friend, Lara, and I had a girls’ night in Hollywood that was super fun (yes, I did just use the phrase “super fun” and mean it). We got all dressed up, had dinner at Katsuya (Japanese) on Hollywood and Vine, then saw the opening of “Shrek the Musical” at the Pantages Theater. The musical was cute, and I love just being in old theaters (it’s second only to performing in old theaters!). There were even paparazzi and celebrity sightings. Every now and then, it’s fun to feel a little bit glamorous.

I feel like I’ve reached a rut in my blogging as summer is relaxingly slow. So I’m going to try using blog prompts to add a little substance to my writing. I’d love to hear your feedback on this! Especially from fellow bloggers! So here goes my first prompt from a site called Plinky: Have you ever lived outside the country of your birth? If not, would you consider living anywhere else?

Ok, so first things first. I couldn’t help but edit the crappy grammar of their posted prompt. A site for writers should be a little more thorough about these things, don’t you think? But no, I have never resided outside of the United States. In fact, i’ve only stepped on one foreign soil, and that was during summer mission trips to Ecuador in high school. I would love to revisit Ecuador, and one day when there is adequate funding (you know, after I repay dear aunt sallie mae for all those student loans), I would love to travel overseas. Europe… Australia… Kenya…. even Mexico or Canada would be interesting. Also, I would love to see somewhere tropical…. But would I actually want to settle in and LIVE in any of these places? I’m not sure. It’s a difficult call to make without actually visiting them yet. But based on current knowledge and current circumstances, I have no desire to live anywhere else than where I am right now.

This is quite a significant statement. As a girl who’s moved around her whole life (i suspect my genetics are a mix of yeti and gypsy, but that’s another story), to actually want to remain in one place is kind of a big deal. This present living situation is a mix of urban with small town. I can bask in nature yet be conveniently close to pretty much everything in the city. I’m only twenty minutes from downtown L.A. and can bike to the ocean. A beach day or free-diving can happen before or after work. There are mountains not far away, and job opportunities in a field I love. God has really blessed me here, and I am in no hurry to give up these things.

What about you? Do you like where you live, or do you dream of something better?

pieces of random from a scattered mind

2011-07-07T13:41:00.001-07:00

I know I’m supposed to be taking a slower pace than usual this summer. But, sometimes it feels more like “lose a turn” than “take a rest”. Years of trying to stuff every moment with something worthwhile created a habit of busyness that’s hard to break, and so much downtime makes me feel lazy.

However, the lack of so many pressing deadlines is starting to grow on me. Having flexibility in my schedule is pretty fantastic. Perhaps I could get used to this slower pace lifestyle. Maybe.

So far this week, I’ve done my usual tasks for WorkChurch as well as coordinated and directed rehearsals for the VBS skit team. Household chores are mostly accomplished, and I even rode my bike to complete errands in the neighborhood this morning. As a bonus, we had a holiday weekend to enjoy with good friends and fun. So even when I’m “lazy”, things still happen.

God has been blessing me financially, too! Despite all of the challenges of 2011, He has provided above and beyond my needs… and even some of my wants! I figure since I share my challenges here, it’s only due credit to share the victories in life as well. So here’s a long-distance high five to heaven!

When June is over and July arrives, I start to feel like summer is slipping away. I realize this is silly when you live in a perpetually warm climate, but it’s still true. Before this summer ends and fall semester of school begins, I want to learn to surf or maybe to paddle board. This is in addition to getting back into the water for snorkeling/free-diving. Sunday was my first dive of the season, and while it was a good refresher, I didn’t see a single fish. This was due to my new mask fogging up, and my out-of-practice-ness limiting my time underwater. Now that the weather is consistently warmer, I aim to have more respectable results to share in the near future.

So there you have it, random excerpts from my scattered mind. I think I need to find some blog prompts. Or do you have any ideas? What would you like to read from me? If you leave a comment with a question or topic, this could be fun. It can be silly, serious, informative, or random, and I will respond honestly. Help my blog stay interesting…. ready…. go…..

obedient

2011-06-29T11:24:00.001-07:00

Yoshi has moved beyond potty-training to obeying other commands! We can now “sit” and “stay”, and are working on “lie down”. I have a few fun commands I want to teach her, and am still trying to figure out how to train her to do something useful, like make me breakfast.

In other news, I am officially on summer break for school! I tried to take an intro-to-acting course, but my work schedule would have caused me to violate the attendance policy. And since there are no other classes available that I actually need to take, I’m off until fall semester! This threw me for a loop at first, because of the details of student loan deferment. But, as usual, God worked out the details and gave me a couple of months without classes or homework.

Additionally, my theater involvement is a little less demanding for this show. The Job script is written, and now I’m available for any necessary rewrites between now and opening night. I’ll still be on hand for set construction or other needs, but since I’m not part of the onstage cast, my rehearsal schedule is quite flexible. Could it be possible for me to live a slower-paced lifestyle this summer?

My first instinct was to say, “Now I have time to ______”, and fill that blank with a number of activities I’ve been wanting to do but lacked the time. These include playing my guitar, painting, or other acts of creativity…. or take a yoga class at the studio down the street… or more beach bonfires… or audition for another local theater group…. or catch up on reading… not to mention diving and hiking and such. But, I at least have the presence of mind to realize that is not a good way to “slow down”. So not planning these things, but leaving room to do most of them spontaneously is my best attempt at a balanced lifestyle.

Until then, I do still have workchurch (with upcoming Vacation Bible School) to keep me busy. I don’t know why I seem to require “busyness”, and I really don’t know how to NOT overload my schedule with activities. But I’m going to try- truly give an honest effort- to at least use the summer to attempt this. Meanwhile, how do YOU keep from being too overloaded, stressed, or busy? Suggestions are welcome!

vacating

2011-06-24T14:19:00.001-07:00

Being a film student means that final exams go beyond a written test and require a project. This means that “finals week” is actually two weeks to include filming, editing, and studying. Luckily, these are things I enjoy doing. However, it still makes for a crazy couple of weeks spent juggling schedules like tetris pieces, trying to fit all necessary tasks and deadlines into measly 24-hour days.

Thankfully, my reward for accomplishing this (with A’s in both classes, in case anyone wondered :) ) was a visit from my lovely cousin, Bethany!

Bethany had never been to California, so I gladly took the opportunity to make sure all essentials were covered. Of course, the best part was spending an entire week with her! But if these mad tour guide skills intrigue you, I’d be happy to share them with you on your next visit to Los Angeles.

Here are some of the highlights:

-Driving down the coast for a beautiful view of the sun setting over the ocean.

- Bethany got to experience a typical Sunday in the life-of-mal: the church were I worked and auditions for “Job” at the theater.

- Aquarium of the Pacific

- California Pizza Kitchen, In-N-Out, Granny’s Yogurt, Ruby’s, & Petrillo’s Pizza

- a beach bonfire

- hiking in the mountains

- Hollywood, including seeing the set-up for the “Green Lantern” movie premiere, a visit to Madame Tussauds Wax Museum, and being part of the Jimmy Kimmel Live studio audience (guests were Chef Gordon Ramsey and Glee’s Mike O’Malley).

- a trip to Disneyland

- and just good old-fashioned hanging out… playing old school nintendo, watching “A Mighty Wind”, laying out and boogie boarding at the beach, walking Yoshi and Tootsie, and a trip to Build-A-Bear.

I got used to Bethany being here, and it was sad to see her go! My fingers are crossed that she gets to come back very, very soon. Meanwhile, I have returned to “real life”. Though my summer school plans did not work out, and I suddenly find myself the blessing of a slower pace. Without classes and homework, I have more free time. I am also not in the cast for the summer play, but will only be assisting with work days and script rewrites. I suppose this is my opportunity to do what I’m supposed to be doing- slowing down. The challenge is not to say, “Oh, I have time for ______ now!”, and filling that blank space with new or different activities, leaving me as rushed and busy as before. So the theme of my summer will be a balanced lifestyle. Then I’ll be ready to go full force in the fall…. or does that defeat the purpose?

going to the store to get milk

2011-06-03T10:42:00.001-07:00

I didn’t think about it until just now, but yesterday was one month since I left the hospital. It’s even more notable, since yesterday was pretty much the first day I was consistently in an actual, honest good mood.

It’s not to say there haven’t been good moments this month, because blessings have flowed in and out of the frustrations, med-induced side effects, and busy schedule. However, each day has been an attempt to catch up on all the things that had fallen behind the day before- a domino effect snowballing out of control. But something about yesterday was different. Perhaps it was being the very first day on new medication, and none of the side effects were able to make their way through my blood stream. Maybe it was completing the second day of filming for finals at school, and the relief of accomplishment boosted some hidden endorphins. Could it have been the pleasant weather that is working it’s way toward summer (albeit slower than I’d prefer, but who am I to direct the sunshine and clouds)? Or maybe it was the brief study/work break spent frolicking on the beach with Kelly, Yoshi, and Tootsie. Whatever the reason- or combination of factors- it worked. And that’s how I found myself standing on the street corner in the evening, contentedly waiting for the red light to turn green and the “hand” to turn into a “man” that permitted me to cross, carrying the milk I just picked up from the store. I took a deep breath of night air with just a touch of sea breeze, and realized I that I noticed colors, details, sounds, smells- pieces of life that have been recently subdued by the combination of medication, stress, and my messed-up brain.

I crossed the street and made my way down the sidewalk towards home. I couldn’t help but make a quick review of the past month while remembering a snippet of earlier conversation with Kelly. It involved an incident with another friend who’d experienced similar struggles. Without going through my past few months, I wouldn't have been able to relate or help him in any way. And this wasn’t the first- or last- time God has used my own challenges to reach another soul. While finding some kind of purpose in pain can be comforting, does that mean that God caused all of this mess just to bring me/us to this moment?

I don’t think that’s the whole story. Because while the Lord is most definitely sovereign, my own choices shaped my situation as well. And, unfortunately, the devil had a little bit of input, too. Between the two of us- Satan and me- we created quite a disaster. Yet, God still has the final say in the outcome, and His ultimate ending is always beautiful. Since I was little, I imagined God and the devil in some kind of martial arts hand-to-hand combat. I envisioned Satan pulling some smooth move that would bring everything down- a symbolic roundhouse kick, if you will. But then God just laughs, and in some kind of divine Chuck Norris style, grabs Satan’s foot mid-kick, twisting him around and bringing him crashing to the ground. The move Satan intended to be catastrophic ends up being the very thing that led to God’s victory- because God was always in control of the fight.

God can redeem my mess. I’m not fighting with God, but I can make some pretty crappy choices. This doesn’t make my sin any less sin-ny, but knowing that He can take my scraps and dried up paint and create a gorgeous masterpiece…. does that blow anyone else’s mind?

One last thought: my reading this morning included Luke 22:31. Jesus is talking to the disciples at the Last Supper, preparing them for the coming events of His death. In this particular moment, Jesus is reminding them to remain humble and foreshadowing the ways they are all going to screw up in the next couple of days. He says to Peter, “Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”

Life may become difficult, Satan may strike, and we are going to make a mess. But Jesus prayed for Simon- God is working for us, for me, for you. And after the storm, when we have turned back to better days, we can strengthen our brothers and sisters. Could it be that we go back for each other so no one is left behind? And this is why we canNOT give up when things get hard, because the chaos and catastrophe are not how the story ends- not for us, and not for those we love. Instead, that very chaos and catastrophe are the paint and brush in God’s hand as He creates the most beautiful picture you have ever seen, or could even imagine.

I’ll end this before my own tears come again, because these words are not being shouted from a soapbox, but whispered to my own heart. I’m learning along the way, and I promise, when I have turned back, that I will reach out a hand to strengthen you, too.

navigating without a map

2011-05-19T14:57:00.001-07:00

The walk down the church hallway was breezy with the faint smell of ocean. Our church is housed in what was once a business complex. Like many buildings in southern California, there are courtyards and open-air hallways- great on the many sunny days, a bit of a hassle on the rare rainy ones. But today boasts sunshine despite the cool breeze, and I smiled as I breathed in the light sea air. Then, I marveled at how rare these moments have become.

I’ve been struggling with how to jump back into regular blogging. The past month’s journey has included many personal challenges, many unsuitable for a public forum. It seems as though the fight for balance between honest writing and necessary privacy will never be resolved.

The April-of-Insanity lived true to its name, a strange blend of over-the-top busyness and my brain taking a nose-dive into the pool of bipolar hell. Such dark times feel impossible, and I couldn’t have survived it without the loved ones who walk beside me, at times leading me by the hand back into the light. They truly carry God’s love into tangible action.

Now, I write from “the other side”- you know, that place where you’ve walked through the rock-bottom valley and can turn around and see where you’ve been. You can also look forward to see you still have quite a way to go, because the journey is not over. But it’s only supposed to improve from here. And I suppose you’re wondering where “here” is…

“Here” is living day-by-day, keeping up with the tasks that continue to accumulate despite my slower-than-usual pace. “Here” is on medication again, a daily pill that provides the service of crazy-control in exchange for a long list of side effects that interfere with daily existence. “Here” worries less about the stigma of having bipolar disorder than just taking care of all the details required to manage it all. “Here” tries not to be frustrated with the inability to do everything myself, and instead gratefully relies on my friend-family for support. And “Here” wonders if life will ever be normal again.

So, to wrap it all up (for now)….. I have grown from hopeless to looking to God for a hope that never dies. Each day does have quite enough trouble of it’s own, so I’m not even going to try to worry about tomorrow (or the next day, or the day after that…). And when those peaceful moments of sunshine and ocean breeze occur, I will cherish them as precious- because that’s exactly what they are.

touch of tenderness

2011-04-24T14:19:00.001-07:00

When I sat down on the couch in my new fuzzy Easter socks, clouds filled the sky. I opened the windows to fill the living room with warm breeze and mentally crossed my fingers for a little thunder and lightning.

Now, the sky is blue and filled with sunlight. Go figure. At least it will make my drive to the theater a little easier. Despite knowing everything is fine, I can’t help but be a bit cautious on that 91 freeway in the rain. The memories of February’s accident are still pretty clear in those conditions.

Back to my now-sunny couch time. The dogs are playing with new toys from my PastorBoss. She so kindly and generously blessed me with an Easter basket this morning! I was so surprised! And she included some puppy toys for Yoshi (who, of course, was nice enough to share with Tootsie- in exchange for avoiding a smackdown, I’m sure).

There’s a little over an hour before I have to leave, and I suppose a nap would be a wise preparation for a late evening of performance. Part of me feels like I should do something special, since it’s a holiday and all, but my options are pretty limited. Due to the scheduling of WorkChurch and the show, this time is probably best spent chilling with these oh-so-patient dogs before they are confined to my room for the rest of the night while we’re gone.

If I am honest, I can’t pretend that I didn’t think about the fact that I’m spending a lot of Easter Sunday alone. It felt like Christmas day all over again. The textbook “right” answer is that we’re never alone because God is always with us…. and while that’s true, for some reason, it doesn’t always feel comforting. It hasn’t been so bad though, today. Love from church families is fantastic, and I’ll be spending the evening with my theater family. So it’s not a bad way to spend Resurrection Sunday. :)

There’s a lot going on in my life right now that I won’t share in a public space. You that have known me for awhile are somewhat familiar with the ups and downs of my chemically-imbalanced brain. This season of vulnerability was met with a thoughtful gift this morning, sweet kindness that drew out a few tears before a morning filled with smiles, kids, and hidden Easter eggs. And this is just one example of God’s grace delivered by the hands of caring friends. Small acts of love make a big difference- that’s been the theme of my April-of-Insanity. I have friends who impact my life more than they are aware. These are gifts that are never forgotten.

cheers

2011-04-18T21:16:00.001-07:00

Greetings, from the April of Insanity!

Today has been a welcome rest after seventeen days of constant activity. Sleeping, homework, and sitcoms from the 80’s have recharged my batteries for the next two weeks. At least, that’s the plan.

My goodness, it’s been so long since I’ve written. I’ll try to break this up with pictures to make it an easier read. Shall we begin with a cute puppy?

Yoshi continues to grow and be adorable. We’re still working on that whole housebreaking thing. Remarkably, she can hold it all night when we sleep, and for seven or eight hours during these recent long tech rehearsals and performances of “Risen”. Yet, on days when we’re home and going out every two hours, she can’t resist the urge to baptize the floor. Go figure. In other news, Tootsie is still her hero.

Also, we have recently discovered a dog beach. Yoshi isn’t yet convinced that she digs the ocean, but she sure digs the sand (see what i did there?). She also loves meeting other dogs, no matter if they are a zillion times her size! I fully intend on working on her love of the sea as we continue to make this one of our hang-outs.

WorkChurch is moving along and right in the midst of Easter happenings. Yesterday, we had a special Palm Sunday service that really involved the kids. We walked through Holy Week from the triumphal entry through Jesus’ arrest, using drama, special readings, and hands-on experience with the Passover meal. Sometimes, it’s refreshing to depart from a traditional service in favor of creative family worship! We have an egg-hunt next Sunday, then an awards ceremony the following week. It’s festive when children’s ministry is humming along at full speed! Of course, my favorite thing is that, now that i’ve been at this church for almost a year, the kids and I have gotten to know each other more. Last night, one church family even came to see “Risen”. Seeing that three-year-old boy get excited about the show was quite heart-warming. :)

This was from a recent trip to the local aquarium:

School is school… nothing horribly interesting to report. Classes are increasingly fun the more hands-on stuff we get to do with the camera. I got a bit more editing experience with this last project, a short documentary about the school’s cosmetology program. Also, I was selected to be the “field correspondent” for the on-camera demonstration. Look at my hair! (ok, i know, you’re really looking at the puppy. ;) )

“Risen” is, of course, a big event this month. We just completed opening weekend, and performances have been fantastic. However, approximately half the cast has been pretty sick at least at some point this weekend. Yet, God always steps in. It’s crazy- one minute they’ll be miserable and barely able to utter a note, then when it’s time to take the stage, they sing beautifully and move as if they have abundant energy. The audience has also seemed to be quite blessed as well. It’s such an honor and privilege to be part of such an incredible project. If you’re in the area, I enthusiastically invite you to come see the show this weekend or next! And all of you should check out photos of the show here.

I love that one of Kelly! And if you’re wanting to know a bit more about the show, you can always read my theater blog.

Alright, did I miss anything? Yes, there are many other details that fill in the cracks of this insane schedule, but I think I’ve left you with quite enough for one evening. There’s only a few hours left in the evening before I’m off and running again in the morning. Midterms are this week, after all. And Easter. And more show. And…….

my life in poop

2011-03-28T22:47:00.001-07:00

After a seemingly infinite wait, the day finally arrived…. bringing with it a tiny little bundle of fur, energy, and messes. Meet Yoshi.

She’s half chihuahua/half poodle (chipoodle, if you will?), and quite sweet. Yoshi is also the typical playful puppy, much to Tootsie’s slight irritation. Well, she doesn’t seem to mind the playing as much as the biting. But I think we all feel that way.

So now my schedule revolves around the frequency of my puppy’s bladder. Outside walks every two hours, and trying not to leave her alone in the house for horribly long stretches….. that kind of thing. And so far, it’s been slowly moving in the right direction toward housebreaking. Yay!

In other news, I’m at that familiar stressful place where work gets busy, school is in full swing, and a show opens in a few weeks. Thankfully God and a little bit of mania provide necessary energy. Everything is racing along, and I’m thankful to be healthy again.

So that’s life for now…. workchurch, rehearsal, school, puppy. Relay for Life is on Saturday, and I’m super short on donations this year (so feel free to help! My Relay page is http://tinyurl.com/4dnwmh5). I know the stretches between entries have been long, but it’s just been a mass of busyness with not much time for blogging, nor colorful stories that are fun to read. Wait, that’s probably not true. There’s always a story…. but for now, I’ll just leave you with a couple more puppy shots. Of course, I already need to update them. In the few short weeks since she’s moved in, she’s already growing so fast!

Half the time they get along, the other half, Yoshi is a pest and Tootsie is a grouch….

Mrs. Ladypant is her favorite toy!

walking palace of germs

2011-03-10T19:07:00.001-08:00

Perhaps traipsing barefoot in wet grass at twilight is not the best method for getting over sickness. But isn’t the sheer desire to traipse at all a significant sign of pending healthiness? So with Tootsie in tow, we enjoyed the few last moments of daylight before the night chill set in.

I suppose I should’ve learned my lesson on Saturday. A sudden warm day screamed “Beach!!” loudly and clearly. So with sniffly noses, a sudden burst of energy, and a touch of cabin fever, Kelly and I went down the street to visit the tide pools. It was a glorious afternoon break from the usual Saturday busyness, set to the soundtrack of saltwater waves against rock, lit expertly by the sun and his crew of clouds. Face-to-face with urchins and hermit crabs in the palms of our hands, I could hear the sea call us back under with the promise of warmer water for dives in the near future.

Of course i felt sick again by Monday.

Nevermind the emergen-c and zicam campaign i’ve been waging since the end of February. It has only prolonged whatever disease is being passed around my friends and castmates. I managed to live in denial for almost a week before succumbing to the sore throat, tired, achy, mucus-y time-waster that is illness. Thankfully, that week included my birthday- a day hanging out with friends at the local mini-golf/laser tag/rock wall place, followed by a delicious dinner. Sadly, it postponed other fun birthday plans, including a trip to the local sea lion care center. I’ve traded in fun outings and even some responsibilities for extra sleep and sitcoms on netflix. This is all good and fine for a day or two, but it’s getting rather old as we near the end of the second week of germfest 2011.

But the energy to take Tootsie out for a walk tonight leaves me with optimism and a glimpse of the light at the end of sick tunnel. And, if all goes according to plan, I’ll be taking lots of walks after this weekend, when Yoshi the puppy finally arrives in L.A. So I better have energy for the frequent walks required of housebreaking… and chasing after a non-stop puppy!

water

2011-02-25T22:31:00.001-08:00

After a warm late-night shower (by scented candlelight), I am cozy and relaxed in my jersey sheets. Wrapped in my favorite worn grey hoodie with the sound of rain lazily dropping on the window, why would i want to be anywhere else?

Because taking a walk in the rain sounds like fun.

Nevermind that it’s after ten o’clock and a mere fifty-four degrees out there. Forget that I have wet hair from the shower already, and our neighborhood is not exactly peaceful suburbia. I want to go for a walk in the rain, and that’s all there is to it.

And though it takes all my rational thought, I won’t do it. I don’t have time to get sick. I’m rehearsing a show, there’s school and work, various other upcoming plans…. “it’s not a responsible decision,” i repeat to myself as I fight the urge to dance in the frigid raindrops.

And thus is mania.

mountains of things

2011-02-15T20:45:00.001-08:00

Sometimes stacks are a good way to organize. Things can be ordered by priority, sorted by whatever means appropriate. As my life seems to be divided into varying categories, i’m a big fan of the stack system. That is, until the stacks grow and surround me, imprisoning me in an out-of-control task list.

But i’m never overly dramatic (insert sarcasm font here).

As the school semester begins this week, there are many stacks to burn through (hey, that’s not a bad idea. well, quicker at least). Many stacks hold the same priority level. Sometimes I imagine these priorities pointlessly color-coded like airport security levels. Just as I have no clue if “orange” is more or less urgent than “yellow”, perhaps looking at the stacks chronologically makes more sense. Let’s pick up from my last entry, shall we?

Stack One: Car and accident
Merely four days after the actual incident, I found myself in a new car. Perhaps this was deserving of an entry of its own, chronicling my first vehicle purchase on my own (without ANYone along to make sure i didn’t screw it up!). This was both liberating and a little frightening, in addition to the remaining cloud of “overwhelmed” that refused to leave my still-shocked self. But as we all know by now, “on my own” never truly means “alone”. I found my car at Enterprise, the same place that supplied my insurance-provided rental. My payments and interest are low, and they deferred my down payment until the insurance issued the check from my totaled Cavalier (may it rest in much-deserved peace). Warranties and roadside assistance are included, and they gave me seven days to drive it and change my mind if needed. That seven days was a HUGE nerve-calmer for me as it removed some of the decision-making pressure! So now I have a little Hyundai Accent, much newer and lower in mileage than I expected. My favorite thing is that I can plug in my ipod. :)
Other related items in this stack include insurance, physical therapy to ensure no lasting back and neck injury, and other details that only make for boring reading. And it took an entire week of handling all these logistics before emotions caught up with me. Thank goodness for a supportive roommate who made me stop trying to work, and just go to my room to cry. Once that was out, the difference was incredible.

Stack Two: Job
That’s Job with the long “o”, as in the Biblical dude, not an occupation (that’s another stack). This stack is one part the actual project of working on the script and the rest the challenges of God letting me walk through trials. Though perhaps these are intermingled. I’ll spare you the mundane details, but besides the aforementioned wreck, there has been various financial challenges, conflicts with friends, and many changes of my “best-laid plans”. I counted on my usual tax refund to be much smaller than usual with the changes of 2010- but i did not expect to actually owe the government a little bit of money (thus changing my source of eye exam and new contacts for the year). Sallie Mae- who we lovingly refer to as “dear aunt sallie” with every possible ounce of sarcasm dripping from our tone- decided this was a good time for some student loan-related drama. All of the phone calls between insurance company and dear-aunt-sallie and who knows what else resulted in my phone bill doubling this month. Yesterday, due to a rough, sleepless night on Sunday, i missed my first swim class. This means I was dropped from the roster for absence on the first day. Then there was the whole spacebarwon’twork fiasco that prevented me from completing necessary work. There's other stuff, but you get the idea. This kind of list is pretty long for such a short period of time.

BUT.

Yes, there’s a “but”, because this IS the Job stack, after all. For every crappy challenge, there’s been some kind of victory. Some of these successes seem grander than others, some are still waiting for resolution. That’s the faith and trust part, I suppose. Yesterday, for example, God reminded me in a still, small moment that I have a LOT going on and a swim class for fun was a little unnecessary. Also, I would save gas (translation: dollars) for driving to campus less. Meanwhile, a phone call to verizon to determine why my bill was so large was met with the kindest customer service rep I have ever met. Maybe she picked up on my slightly bitter chuckle when she greeted the call with “happy valentine’s day”. Or perhaps compassion hit her when i realized just how many minutes i had gone over and i held back tears and said something about, “oh, crap all those calls about the accident”. But she kindly credited my account $20 just to help. Not solving it, but making a difference- in more ways than just dollar amount. At the same time, some supportive theater friends fixed the space bar that now works. There's other stuff, but you get the idea. And this kind of list is pretty long as well, for such a short period of time.

And it goes on. I walked into the first day of this semester’s production class today to see a few familiar faces from previous classes- friendly faces that said “hi” with a smile. What a change from feeling invisible on campus this past year! (not that this was a horrible thing, it’s just part of being new and having little in common with most of my classmates.) After class, one man stopped to say hi. He sat behind me in Screenwriting in the fall, where we exchanged the occasional hello or laughed over something in class. Somehow, today’s very brief conversation revealed that this was a “divine appointment”- those odd meetings that can only be God-arranged. He has been seeking the Lord a little lately, and dealing with some difficulties- some even car-related, ironically. Some of these recent “Job” circumstances really seemed to impact him. And I would’ve never chosen to share these things with a near-stranger without prompting from the Holy Spirit. After, as I walked back to my car, I knew that I wouldn’t have been much use if I hadn’t experienced all of this other stuff. If my life were perfect and easy, how could I relate to anyone? I don’t think this is the complete key to understanding human suffering or anything. But I do believe it is an important point, a key piece in the larger puzzle.

Stack Three: The Daily Grind
It never stops. I’m so glad it never stops, those regular events that keep me (us?) moving forward. WorkChurch is in full swing, with a Fun Day next week full of games, crafts, and activities while the kids are off school for President’s Day. Outings and programs and Easter services loom cheerfully on the horizon. Then there is theater. We’re preparing for our Easter show, rehearsing and creating the set and reviewing music in the car (i’m convinced that we ALL use the car as rehearsal space). If you’re interested, I’m blogging through the production here. I know, as if this post wasn’t long-winded enough…
And there’s school, of course. A couple production-related classes should keep me pretty busy. I’m already looking forward to the one I started today. I had more hands-on time with the camera today than my entire fall semester combined. This equates to happiness in my world.

So on THAT note, I suppose I should return to the actual stacks of tasks calling my attention. Challenges remain and threaten to distract me from more important matters. But either I trust God or I don’t. Do I believe the words that come out of my mouth in good times as much as when seasons become darker? And just because things are not the way I planned or how I think they should be, does that mean that life is horrible? Of course not. When the adventure has ended and stories are told, the best moments come from the trouble and challenges. This is my adventure, and from the beginning, I knew it would not be easy. Remember that cheesy remake of “The Haunting”? Lili Taylor says she can choose to either be a victim or a volunteer, and she would rather be the volunteer and plunge into the adventure of the ghostly mystery instead of plagued by a haunted house. She had a point. Either I’m going to freak out when I hit “white water rapids” of overwhelming challenges, or I’m going to strap on my helmet and enjoy the thrilling adrenaline of the ride.

And I’m pretty sure you know me well enough by now to guess how I feel about such adventures.

miraculous

2011-02-01T18:38:00.001-08:00

A month and a half is a long time to be away from the theater. While rest is much needed between shows (not to mention in preparation for such an intense season), a girl starts to miss the stage after a couple of weeks. So it’s almost needless to say that I was highly anticipating the first rehearsal for the Easter show, “Risen”. It was the first thing I thought about when I opened my eyes in the morning, and I was glad to be so busy at WorkChurch so that the afternoon would come quickly.

The rainy day did not dampen my spirits at all as I drove from San Pedro to the theater in Anaheim. As a seasoned driver from the weather-worn roads of Ohitucky, I know how to be cautious on a rainy freeway. Though I maintained a safe and reasonable speed with every other driver, a deep patch of water still caused my car to hydroplane. I struggled to regain control and prayed that I wouldn’t hit the cars near me. In seconds, my car spun toward the concrete wall that separate the east- and west-bound traffic. Once I hit that divider, the force caused my car to spin in the opposite direction until I hit the wall again. I came to a stop right against the concrete, in the carpool lane, facing oncoming traffic.

Though shaking, I prayed that God would handle the cars speeding toward me on the wet road, while I tried to find my phone (Note: the little holder that was supposed to keep my phone handy in such situations failed. Also, while we’re on that subject, my air bags didn’t go off. thanks for nothing, safety precautions.). The 911 dispatcher was most helpful, telling me to keep my seatbelt and hazard lights on, and “stay where I felt safest” (Um, how about NOT sitting on this freeway?!). The highway patrol arrived in minutes, and proceeded to shut down the freeway.

Since I couldn’t move my car, CHP was ready to spring into action. From the car loudspeaker, he said, “Imma move ya”. And instructed me to put my car in neutral and steer. By pushing my car with the patrol car, a few fancy maneuvers had me turned around and on the safer shoulder of the road. If I had to keep all the folks from their destination by stopping traffic, at least they got a show out of it….

We got my car off the freeway and towed away, to enter the realm of insurance claims and the like. For some strange reason, the first words out of my mouth to the officers were “Hallelujah, Holy Shit!” (I am just as bewildered as the CHP guys about that subconscious nod to Chevy Chase.)

Meanwhile, I was not hurt. I didn’t hit any other vehicles. Of course, my neck and back are aching, but I didn’t hit my head or break any bones. There are no visible bruises, cuts, or scrapes on my body. I am beyond grateful for such incredible divine protection!

I was stranded in North Long Beach with no transportation. All of my local friends were in Anaheim, at rehearsal. I hated to ask anyone to drive all the way out there, but they did in a heartbeat. I arrived to rehearsal and my dear castmates, whom I love so much. Still in shock, I was so glad to be near them and felt a little bit safer.

Now, I attempted to focus on the material for “Risen”. This is the same show we did last spring, so much of it was familiar. Of course, tweaks and changes will be made, including the addition of two more members of the ensemble. At last year’s table read, we marveled at the introduction to powerful music and the original concepts of the production. This time, we recalled the emotion of each scene and its meaning. I made it through the first act by directing my focus from the accident to the show. But once we began act II, the shock was starting to wear off. The beautiful and intense truth in some of the songs released tears that had been well-contained until that moment. Lyrics about being saved took on a more immediate meaning and the impact hit my heart with some kind of emotional force. I struggled to sing through my parts between sniffles and tear drops…. and was so glad that, unlike my usual preferred crying situation, i was not alone.

The rest of the afternoon was filled with hugs, prayers, and encouraging reassurance. As always, Masquer extends beyond the production to be a ministry of love. In times like these, I am overwhelmed by God’s goodness when He gave me the gift of my theater family.

Now I deal with the aftermath… sore muscles, a totaled car, and trying to keep up with WorkChurch and theater responsibilities when nothing sounds more inviting than another nap. Yet, I will not forget how fortunate I am to walk away from the crash with virtually no injuries- and, more importantly, I did not hit any of the other cars that were driving near me. All of my needs are being met, and I have no doubt that the rest will work out well. After all, God is in control of the details. He is sovereign, and He is good. And He won’t let me forget it.

taking a moment

2011-01-21T09:46:00.001-08:00

One one hand, I feel lazy. Things are moving pretty slowly this month, especially since spring semester doesn’t start until February and rehearsals for our next show, “Risen” don’t begin until next Sunday. There is still work to do for both my job and “Job” (working on the script for an original Masquer production based on that particular book of the Bible). But less running back and forth reduces the frantic pace that often marks my days.

On the other hand, I slightly savor the calm before the storm. Of course, I love storms- even metaphorical ones (usually). February marks the beginning of a 2011 busyness that won’t really stop or slow down. I’m assuming my school schedule will increase as I advance in classes- with more involved homework and film projects. WorkChurch becomes more involved this year as I move from adjusting to a new job to raising the standard for our kids’ ministry. Masquer is doing four productions in 2011, instead of the usual three. I’m getting a puppy for my birthday, so there is housebreaking and such on the horizon (advice and tips welcome! i’ve never had a puppy before!). As always, I hope for more writing jobs from the radio station. I’m looking for a local yoga class since I cancelled my gym membership. And as soon as the weather is consistently warm enough, I will be back in the water, reuniting with my fishy friends.

And that’s just the beginning… you know me, you know how it goes. i have a hard time saying “no” to opportunities for new adventure.

Mamaw seems to be doing pretty ok! I would say, “can you believe it?”, but honestly, it’s quite believable. She’s tough and not ready to throw in the towel just yet. She’s out of the hospital and in a rehabilitation facility to build strength. The future is still uncertain- as futures become with age and health issues. There’s talk of the grandkids visiting Ohio sometime to see her…. That brings mixed emotions, as I really want to see her but hate the thought of a good-bye- not to mention that you never really know if it IS good-bye (and always hope it’s not).

I love living in California. I don’t regret my decision to move across the country, and, though I care about my family, I don’t have the tiniest desire to ever live in Ohitucky again. However, there are times like this when I wish I could be more supportive and more present. These are the circumstances that call for visits and taking a turn helping out- sharing the load. This is when you want to play as many games of rummy with your grandmother and make sure you know all the family stories. It’s also the kind of situation that reminds you to cherish the moments you can with the people you love.

So cherish I will… and I do. From moments like this- sitting quietly in the sunlit living room, writing on the couch with my ipod as a companion…. to the joy of exploring the neighborhood on a warm day- walking with Kelly and Tootsie as the sun hits my shoulders and I am inspired to wear the colorful skirt my sister, Becca, sent from South Africa years ago. Or the comforting belonging feeling you get when your friends “kidnap” you for a fun, silly movie…. and it goes on, every day constructed of moments.

one day in a whole life

2011-01-13T09:42:00.001-08:00

The challenge: Take one picture each hour all day to illustrate a day in your life.

This group project was inspired and organized by my friend, Becca, on her fabulous blog. She’ll be posting the results on February 1st, and it’s open to YOU, too. So check out my day, then be all excited to grab your camera and show me a piece of your life. :)

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Wednesday, January 12th, 2011!

9am: The first thing I see when I open my eyes is my star lamp, hanging right over my head. Based on this spectacular piece of photography and excitement, you know you’re in for a thrilling day.

10am: Daily time in the Word. Right now i’m using this fantastic resource from Beth Moore- 90 days with Jesus. I cannot possibly be more enthusiastic about this book!

11am: Putting on make-up before heading out for the day!

12p: Quick stop at Jamba Juice! Thanks to Becca for providing a coupon that got me a coldbuster smoothie for $2! I drove the rest of the way to WorkChurch listening to fun music on a sunny, seventy-degree day, with a lovely view of the city below and snow-capped mountains in the distance- and the delightful taste of orange smoothie. :-D

1p: My desk at WorkChurch. Today’s task included prepping for Sunday’s lesson and children’s sermon, organizing a mission project to collect canned goods, prepare postcards for students with birthdays or frequent absences, and create an attendance chart. Lots of administration for now!

2p: Because hours of desk can be boring, behold- i give you the view of a classroom!

3p: We also have a small play area, that I get to make sure is tidy each week. Thankfully, I have fantastic teachers and really great kids, so it’s a pretty minimal mess.

4[30]p: Ok, I know I’m cheating by putting two pictures, and I waited until 4:30 to take them… but whatever. This is my part of the project and I shall do it my way. ;) Sometimes I avoid the freeway and drive home along the coast. I stopped at one of my favorite dive sites to try to catch this pre-sunset happiness. We call it Whale Point, as this is where we saw actual, real-life whales this summer!! Sadly, we weren’t in the water at the time (i wonder if we could’ve heard their call?), but I’m optimistic for this coming season and so ready to be back in the water (once it is no longer 53-degrees, that is). I have hopes for sea lions or dolphins this year…. AND i read that they are protecting this particular site from fishing, which means increased wildlife, I hope.

5p: Mailed some postcards to church kids with coming birthdays!

6p: Took a break to watch Pushing Daisies with Tootsie.

7p: Back to work! Writing a spot (commercial) for the radio station.

8p: Oops…. distracted by Facebook… robot unicorn attack and chatting with my little sister, Claudia.

9p: Discipline prevails! Timing the written spot to make sure it is the right length to be aired.

10p: Hungry!! And it’s time to get groceries!! For the ultra-curious, I ended up making a scrumptious sandwich: veggie patty, fresh spinach, goat cheese, red-pepper hummus, toasted wheat bread. Oh, and a piece of Kelly’s amazing apple butter bread.

11p: Chilling with Kelly…. well, we were both on our computers. But it counts. We aren’t THAT anti-social..

12a: Working on the script for “Job”- a show Masquer (theater company) is doing this summer. The deeper I get into this scripture, the more there is to think about… include…. consider….. what a project! Sometime after 1a: I think I’m done for the day…….

is this what you want?

2011-01-02T14:32:00.001-08:00

A sprint up the stairs left me a little breathless, but I still rushed through the church hallway to my office. I wasn’t late yet, but still needed to make copies, gather supplies for teaching the preschool class, and then join the worship team for pre-service prayer. However, talking to Mamaw for a few minutes was totally worth the delay in arrival to WorkChurch.

Had it really been only twenty-four hours since receiving the news that Mamaw was back in the hospital? Sitting across the booth at Denny’s in pajamas, I calmly explained to my friends, Amanda and Leah, the reason behind my family’s frequent texting. My grandmother has had quite a few health issues in recent years. It’s difficult to see someone we love be sick, yet it’s also a sad reality of aging. I prayed she would be healed and completely trusted that God had it under control.

My phone rang at ten o’clock last night from the kitchen counter. As I walked the few steps from my room down the hall, I intuitively knew it was my parents. And with a three-hours-ahead time difference in Ohio, a phone call at 1am cannot mean anything good. Sure enough, they reported that Mamaw had stopped breathing temporarily. She was doing ok for the moment, but they were on their way to join my aunt at the hospital. It didn’t look good.

Cue the cousin network. Within minutes, through the wonder of Verizon wireless and our borrowed internet connection, I was in touch with both of my sisters and my cousins, Sarah and Bethany. Years of family dysfunction have taught us that our own lines of communication are priceless. Waiting for updated news is hard enough, but throw in a 3,000 mile distance barrier, it’s maddening. There was absolutely nothing I could do for my family. Despite financial reality, I found myself researching plane ticket rates. I contemplated how fast I could be in Ohio, and the choice between saying good-bye in person, or attending a funeral. Past experience and God’s gracious gift rational thought reminded me to process this, prepare myself, and consider all options- including the option that Mamaw could totally pull through this.

You see, my paternal grandmother is a woman from the Appalachian hills of Kentucky. Maybe you’ve never met a true mountain hillbilly. They’re feisty. They’re strong, tough, fighters. They know how to handle the difficult circumstances of life. Picture Granny Clampett from “The Beverly Hillbillies”, and you’ve got a pretty close idea of Mamaw (I’ve never seen her handle a gun, but i suspect that, under the right circumstances- and before she started getting sick- that she would’ve been just fine).

The updates continued this morning. Miraculously, Mamaw is doing pretty good (considering the severity of her health circumstances). She’s still being treated for pneumonia and a handful of other things, but she’s awake and, importantly, breathing. She’s acting like her usual self. When I spoke to her for a few minutes this morning, she laughingly informed me that she was a “lady of leisure”, lying around all day while people waited on her. Way to turn a near-death experience into a hotel stay, Mamaw.

Another crisis averted- for the moment.

Back to the dash through the church hallway, I pushed aside the still-processing thoughts of family issues and what-ifs, the strategies and game plans in case of varying degrees of emergency. I reminded myself that this is happening on the heels of a crazy week sandwiched between Christmas and the New Year- a week that has been full of challenges and mixed emotion. I needed to replace these with smiles and joy, and bring out the genuine love for the kids in our congregation. Inside the sanctuary, the worship team was going over the morning’s music. This particular song was one I hadn’t heard in awhile, straying from the typical praise chorus.

The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will walk through the valley if You want me to

It may not be the way I would’ve chosen
As You lead me through a world that’s not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I’d never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me, and I’m all by myself
And I can’t hear You answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the trials Your love put You through
And I will go through the fire if You want me to

Yes, Lord, I hear You.

In an attempt to avoid religious superstition, I want to be sure of a situation before I declare that Satan is attacking. Sometimes, I think we give him too much credit whenever life gets a little less comfortable. But reality is that our theater company is now creating a show based on the book of Job. The combination of God’s hands-on object lessons and the devil’s tendency to try to prevent holy things from happening is going to be a factor in our current life events. As I sit at my computer and flesh out the story of humanity understanding suffering and the “big picture”, it’s probably not a coincidence that I’m battling one of the most intense depressive cycles since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. How else to put myself in the shoes of a grieving father than face the possibility of loss in my own family? Am I gaining insight to the words “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I shall return there” when my finances take a nosedive into the abyss of car repair bills?

And won’t I still bless the name of the Lord, whether in sickness or health? Still claim that “though He slay me, still will I trust Him”? When it comes down to it, I step past my frustrations into the big perspective- “I still know that my Redeemer lives, and He shall stand at last on the earth.” I speak the truth of these ancient scriptures (and, admittedly, take a teeny bit of comfort when reminded that my trials are not nearly as bad as homeboy Job over here).

Another song sums it up nicely-
The questions just amazes me
That circumstances possibly
could change who I forever am in You…..

Jesus, bring the rain.

(For those of you keeping track, or if you’re looking for some good musical inspiration, “If You Want Me To” is by Ginny Owens, and “Bring the Rain” is by MercyMe.)

over it

2010-12-26T01:03:00.001-08:00

I used to be sad at bedtime on December 25th. I would prolong it as much as possible, and try not to fall asleep. Because once I closed my eyes, Christmas would be over.

It’s 12:45am. By all technicalities, Christmas is finished. And from an outsiders view, I should be glad. The day didn’t exactly go as planned. I spent a good deal of the biggest holiday of the year alone. But it isn’t all that simple.

Sure, I thought about home-cooked turkey and mashed potatoes as I warmed up my frozen lasagna. But it was veggie lasagna from Trader Joe’s- something I haven’t tried before. It was tasty! And last night, we had tamales and rice and beans. And this morning, I enjoyed a delicious pancake breakfast with some of Sophia’s family. So I wasn’t lacking in the food area.

All the places I tried to volunteer were already full. That’s a pretty good problem to have. My goal is to volunteer during the regular year in 2011. And it turned out that I was wiped out from not sleeping last night, so using the afternoon to take a nap was the loveliest gift-to-self…..

Thanks to Verizon, I chatted with various members of my family. And last night, Sophia’s family included me in their Christmas celebration- just like every other year since I moved to California. There was a morning service at WorkChurch, but it didn’t involve any kid activities (tomorrow is another story, haha). I began the day worshipping the Savior who loves us…. so much as to be born in a barn for the ultimate purpose of a cruel death in exchange for our freedom. We miss that when we blaze through the familiar plot points of the nativity story. And taking the long way home meant driving down the coast as the sun sparkled on ocean water.

So yes, it was a quiet day. Yes, I spent a lot of the evening working to prepare for WorkChurch tomorrow. But I also enjoyed a quiet night with Kelly, tasted her mom’s delicious mashed potatoes, and ate a couple of Christmas cookies. And in case you were wondering, we closed the Daily Christmas Film Festival with “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”.

As I close my eyes on December 25th, my heart is full of a variety of complex feelings. But incredibly, at this moment, sadness is not included. Besides, now we can look forward to New Year’s Eve…. and if the excitement of 2010 is any indication, 2011 is going to be quite an adventure.

so THIS is Christmas

2010-12-18T13:17:00.001-08:00

Wrapping gifts, attempting to bake, decorating the house…. the preparations lead to one single day. As a child, I would marvel at how quickly Christmas day was over and how long it took to return. This year, I am still trying to figure out my plans. After church in the morning, I will likely come home to nap. Christmas Eve with Sophia’s family runs very late, and I’ll be up early to drive to church. So definitely some sleeping will happen. After that…. I’m still looking for a volunteer opportunity. I would love to serve the less fortunate, but most of those needs seem to be filled already. I will likely help another friend with their evening church service. It will be a good day, of this I am certain.

But the point is that, at first, I thought there was a lot of build-up to what is going to be a very low-key day. But that’s silly. It’s not build up, it IS Christmas. The wrapping and the baking, the thinking of others and spending time with friends, the songs and smells…. it’s a month-long holiday, not just a day.

And what would my holidays be without challenges? Despite begging and pleading on my part, my car refused to wait until January to break down. It’s tempting to stress over the hundreds of dollars in repairs (who am I kidding. I’m stressing), but I’m choosing to focus on the kindness of the auto shop and our flexible payment arrangement. I hate waiting to send Christmas gifts to my family, but somehow I’ll make it work and trust God’s timing.

And now to return to a typical busy Saturday… with holiday flair. This morning was spent at workchurch rehearsing the kids’ Christmas program. Maaaaybe ten kids showed up. It’s still doable, but tomorrow morning’s performance will be a little bit of a zoo as we try to costume these children! After all is said and done, the Masquer Christmas party will be my reward. :)

The rest of my today is earmarked to finish the making and wrapping of gifts, clean the kitchen (it appears a tornado of baking hit), and complete my weekly workchurch tasks, such as writing the family devotional. I’ll probably throw in a mug of hot cider for fun. It seems fitting on a chilly, rainy day. Though worries may linger, this month-long holiday is a celebration to savor.

hope peace joy love

2010-12-09T00:08:00.001-08:00

Where have I been? If you’ve missed these random updates, check out my theater blog to fill in the blanks. We’re only eight days into December, but I’ve plunged head-first into the pool of Christmas spirit!

Kelly and I decided to watch a Christmas movie each day until the 25th. Of course, the show made this a little tricky, but we doubled up on some days to make it work. So far, we’ve enjoyed Love Actually, Elf, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, The Nativity Story, Home Alone, Home Alone 2, The He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special, The Polar Express, a Christmas episode of The Office and Will & Grace, & a couple from South Park, and the Jeff Dunham Christmas special. I think a there’s a few more, and of course there is a large pending stack next to the television.

Meanwhile, my friend, Lara, and I began crafting the day after Thanksgiving. Also, my gift shopping is about 93% complete. The house smells like cinnamon, and we will obtain the tree this weekend. We’re only eight days into December, but I think we’re right on track. :)

I don’t feel like I’m giving enough this year, though. Now that my occupation is in a church, my volunteer time has slipped. Perhaps that will be my 2011 New Year’s goal… I no longer have the financial freedom to give monetarily, but that is not an excuse to be selfish with my time and energy. But I have been with my friend-family, and will have plenty of quality time with the precious California people in my life. I’m thinking of others near and dear to my heart with the gift-giving. The important things of the season are not completely lost in the busy.

This year brings another first. Our church holds a service on Christmas morning. I’m actually really excited to honor the birth of our Lord by worshipping Him. However, I am trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my day. I will not be flying back to Ohi-tucky this year, and will spend Christmas Eve with Sophia’s family. Everyone will be with their own families on Christmas day. Perhaps I will find a volunteer opportunity during the day. If anything, I can spend some one-one-one time with the Birthday Boy on the beach. I’m not worried, I know the right thing will work out.

It’s after midnight. My mind is jumbled with half-formed thoughts about the holidays, pending gifts, trying to make sure what i can give are enough (you all deserve so many good things!), thinking about spots I’m working on for the radio station and projects for workchurch, what i need to study for finals, and going over tomorrow’s schedule of laundry, errands, a haircut, and more. So instead of continuing this stream-of-consciousness fiesta, i’m going turn on my bed-warming heating pad and siesta. :)

raining starfire- my facebook note

2010-11-20T11:31:00.001-08:00

I can be one of those annoying people who talks endlessly about what's on their mind. Of course, I can also be one of those people who successfully hides anything they don't want others to know. Perhaps that's yet another bipolar tendency- two conflicting traits existing strongly in the same person.

I write this note in order to share. They say, after all, openness fights the stigma, right? In the midst of a particularly harsh depressive cycle (episode? period? I don't even know the correct official clinical term), so many tough questions have risen to the surface. I search for some kind of helpful nugget in an attempt to take a little responsibility for my craziness. The seeds of information found in books or online grow into concepts that swirl in my head as they process. I attempt to balance the annoying chatter by writing. I know I can put my friends through a lot with this tornado called bipolar disorder. At least by writing, you can choose to read.

Yes, a tornado. No wonder I love storms so much. How rare and spectacular when the outside world matches my insides? If I could paint a picture of my bipolarness, it would be raining starfire. Sad, destructive, and yet beautiful.

Can you believe I just said that? Beautiful? In the six years since the official diagnosis, I have attributed many adjectives to this mental disorder (or mental illness, an even uglier term). "Beautiful" has NEVER been used. Clinging to a single scripture was the only honest good point in the long lists of negative challenges.

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Then I discovered THIS. Sitting on our couch with my laptop and Tootsie warming my feet, I could only cry after reading it. Though I can't yet articulate words behind those tears, I want to share the list with you:

THE GIFTS OF BIPOLAR DISORDER:

1. Above average compassion.
2. Acute intuition.
3. Empathetic and non-judgemental.
4. An ability to see the "big picture".
5. Spontaneous attitude towards life.
6. An ability to experience the emotions of happiness and unconditional love on a much purer and deeper level than a "normal" person.
7. Persons with bipolar disorder tend to be either creative, artistic, musical or scientific geniuses.
8. Spiritual leadership qualities.
9. Compassionate.
10. Well, we're not boring!!! Like a box of unmarked chocolates, sometimes you bite into us, you get that icky maple crap, then there is that orange creamy stuff which is okay...sometimes you get that chewy toffee caramel that sticks around, but one thing is for sure...eventually, you will get one that's got NUTS! Crunchy and yummy nuts!

(credit where it's due: full article at http://depressiontribe.tribe.net/thread/4bf661ac-4e84-468e-a17f-989c0721f0e9)

I have seen myself in so many descriptions of bipolar disorder, though they are all undesirable symptoms. But I can find myself in parts of this list, a list of good side effects (?). Ironically, it's still a lot to process.

Thousands of dazzling meteors falling out of the sky, sizzling as they land. A night sky weeping and destroying with a blazing twinkle. Endless tears, horrible decisions, energetic mania. My own bipolar. Raining starfire.

eh eh… nothing else i can say

2010-11-18T21:18:00.001-08:00

It’s not even nine o’clock yet. It seems much later, since the sun sets so early these days. It seems much earlier, since I’m caffeinated from an afternoon peppermint mocha. The two balance out, and it actually feels exactly as it is: not even nine o’clock.

My chosen evening activity is not-attending-the-midnight-showing-of-Harry-Potter. i have nothing against the series nor any interest. There’s plenty of work to be done, since most of my time today was devoted to writing spots for the radio station and some homework. But since it’s nearing nine o’clock, it’s late enough to lose interest in the productive yet still have energy to still do something. But there’s only so many things to do alone (particularly with the nagging unfinished tasks that still clamor for attention).

Despite the rush to Christmas, today was a lovely pre-Thanksgiving afternoon. Always eager to take advantage of a good deal, Kelly and I walked around the corner to Starbucks for buy one/get one free holiday drinks. Though Starbucks is usually most guilty for premature Christmas, I was pacified by the emphasis on “holiday” drinks and noticeably absent carols. A peppermint mocha can be Thanksgiving-y, too. There were no decorations beyond the menu board and autumnal window decals- a definite win over yesterday’s Big Lots excursion underscored by Frosty the Snowman and some song about about Santa going to a party (complete with obnoxious ho-ho-ho’s) at a volume too high to ignore.

The crisp, cool air and wonderfully warm spice-scented candle melt thing Kelly brought home wrapped the mood in a nice metaphorical harvest-colored bow. Even the smooth blue of the water and lovely old-building scent of the post office were savory details. This current depressive cycle has brought my disorder to the front burner, causing difficult questions and emotions to re-emerge. Cherishing the present is a highly underrated coping skill, and if the smell of basil and cilantro in the garden patch (or the brilliant emerging red of our budding strawberries!) can soothe anxiety, then it’s better than any medication. Besides, someone has to stand up for the lovely details of Thanksgiving; the oft-neglected holiday has become an “unfortunate” speed bump on the expressway to Christmas.

making it work

2010-11-13T11:49:00.001-08:00

If you drive from our doorstep, down the main street of our town, you can only go two miles before it ends. If you turn right, you will be treated to a beautiful drive on a cliff overlooking the ocean. On a clear day, you’ll be able to see Catalina island pretty well. But if you go straight, you’ll end at a little park hosting a lighthouse and a small outdoor stage (as well as the obligatory picnic tables and playground).

i had to get out of the house yesterday. Working from home has many perks, but it also leads to a touch of cabin fever. So I threw my notebooks into a bag, strapped a leash on Tootsie, and took that two mile drive to the park.

We were rewarded with a beautiful November afternoon. Shorter autumn days are lit by warm golden sunlight. A few leaves crunch underfoot, but most stay green and dutifully attached to their tree branches. The park isn’t large, so we circled it a couple times so Tootsie could get her energy (and other things) out before we settled down to work. I chose a tree- I need to still learn its name- who’s roots crawled around the base before diving deep to anchor it in the ground. Comfortably cradled and shaded by a canopy of sun-filtering leaves, i looked across the glittering blue to sailboats and barges. My new natural office wasn’t too far from the cliff edge (don’t worry, a solid concrete wall prevents any accidental wandering), so the steady roll of seawater against the rocks below quickly dissuaded me from drowning out such calm wonder with my ipod.

There I worked as seagulls glided overhead, using little energy against the sea breeze (they’re really not as annoying when they’re flying by, as opposed to crapping on my car or scavenging my beach snacks). This is why I left my cubicle, and never want to return.

deconstructing the madness

2010-11-01T17:18:00.001-07:00

Some days, I feel like a decent version of normal. Other times, I am only slightly eccentric enough to be interesting. And occasionally, it feels like there’s a giant “mental disorder” sign brightly lit over my head.

In the years since the official bipolar diagnosis, I have learned to channel the crazy energy in increasingly healthier ways. Thankfully, I have also learned to prevent emotions from escalating into uncontrollable and socially unacceptable levels. Usually.

The analytical part of me wants to take each piece of craziness apart, examine it, and reassemble myself in a more manageable way. Anxiety levels are creeping up now, thanks in part to a lot of life busyness while being in a depressive cycle.

My mind works differently. The racing chaos of mania dissolves into a twisted spaghetti-like mass of thoughts like:

Feeling alone, even when surrounded by a bunch of great people.

i hate being vulnerable.

“But to cry in front of you, that’s the worst thing I could do.”

Scenes play out as they did this afternoon. My computer sat on the kitchen counter, and I stood in front of it, trying to decide my next move. Work on homework? Work on church? Get dressed first? Choosing one thing means neglecting all the others. And forget focusing on that one thing while thinking about those others. It doesn’t help that the flurry of the weekend’s activities has left our house in disarray. I can’t think straight with all the clutter. Must. Clean. Now.

And that’s how I found myself passionately scrubbing the stovetop. Part of me acknowledged that this coping method beats the crap out of previous bad habits. Another part wonders if crazy motivation cancels out the normalcy of the task. A tiny part says to screw it and just return to those previous bad habits. The ones that temporarily soothe and calm, all the while actually making life more complicated.

But I finish the stove. Next, I’ll move on to the counter. Then the floors, then the bathroom, then my bedroom. When the house feels clean, I will channel the energy into work somehow. Before I know it, I will be tired and it will be bedtime. Another day completed, survived.

Back in the therapy days, we identified that I take on a lot when I’m manic, but become overwhelmed when faced with the ambitious workload later. This month, I’ll be practicing NOvember again. I’ll keep current commitments, but will not be making any new ones.Though this means not going on fun outings or accepting new projects, it allows me to dig out from under this heavy pile of class work, church tasks, and miscellaneous life-in-general. It’s a rest before the insanity (and joy) of December’s Christmas season. No matter what, Christmas is always good.

That’s the joy of bipolarity. What comes down must go up.

elephant in the web

2010-10-29T11:58:00.001-07:00

Many years ago, I discovered a truth. When you are avoiding something that needs to be addressed, there is a lull in conversation. You can’t seem to find other topics to fill the void, and there is silence. But once you actually talk about the matter at hand, things begin to flow again.

As much as this is true in a conversation between two people, it also applies to journaling. By avoiding the things on your mind, you create writer’s block.

As discussed in a previous post, there are blogging boundaries- not everything on your heart goes on the internet. Keeping that in mind, I’ve still decided that, in the spirit of quality writing, I’m gonna talk about personal stuff anyway.

Money is an awkward subject for most of us. I think my upbringing bred additional awkwardness, but my upbringing is another subject all together. I hate talking about money, worrying about money, negotiating money….. pretty much everything but actually possessing money. Even when I was barely a teenager, I dreaded the question, “How much do you charge for babysitting?”. Awkward.

This season of my life is low-income. Most of my life trained me to live low-income-ly (something good came out of that situation), so, for the most part, I’m good with the simple things. I know how to stretch a dollar, cut out luxuries, differentiate between needs and wants, and creatively solve problems. Sure, there are frustrations. But if my biggest issue is not instantly satisfying specific food cravings, I’m pretty fortunate. (For the record, at this moment, I want Jamba Juice, mongolian bbq, and maybe Roscoe’s chicken and waffles. And no, not together.).

Of course, I do worry sometimes. Since my paycheck comes only once a month, a strict and careful budget is necessary. Near the end of the month, I find myself strategically conserving gas and my meals become slightly unconventional in order to make the best of any food we might already have. This isn’t a horrible thing, though. It’s just life right now, and it’s a life for which I signed up when I chose to return to school. I am far from poverty. In fact, by the standards of much of the world population, I am wealthy. I have everything I need, my bills are paid, and I am HAPPY. That’s right, even in the midst of a depressive cycle, I. Am. Happy. That’s worth more than an increased paycheck any day.

Sometimes I want to talk about it. I want to work out the latest mini-crisis of budget, or figure out how to solve an unexpected expense. I want to be honest and tell you I can’t go to a movie or drive that far because I don’t have the money, and not have it be cringingly awkward. And I don’t want you to feel like you have to offer to help. While I MUCH appreciate the caring and support (sincerely, I do), I made this lifestyle decision, and I’m responsible for the consequences. If other people pick up my slack, that’s not right.

So there it is- I’m practically broke, and I’m ok. Christmas gifts will come from the heart this year, not my wallet. I’m behind on many of the latest movies, and I rarely go out to eat. I sacrifice some social outings and instant gratification, but I find fun in free or low-cost places. Any out-of-house dining is directed by coupons. I take advantage of sales, deals, and specials. I am blessed with good friends and family- both blood and adopted. I’ve had so many incredible opportunities in the past to go, do, and see… and I’m sure I will be able to do these things again in the future. But the most important thing is that the present is pretty rich with awesome and win (otherwise know as a blessed life).

great pumpkin

2010-10-26T13:59:00.001-07:00

Every year, Sophia, Daylene, and I watch the holiday Charlie Brown specials. The simple cartoons have sparked a fun tradition. And sometimes, and it amazes me that a new generation loves them so much. Charlie Brown’s slow pace is a far cry from the frantic jibbering of Spongebob or the Disney channel’s caffeinated pop culture explosion. But the Peanuts gang holds true year after year.

Sophia raised the standards when she hosted the Great Pumpkin Fun Nite. I should’ve sensed the increased level of awesome and win when I received a new t-shirt upon arrival- complete with Linus, Snoopy, and the gang in their trick-or-treat costumes and poses. The rest of the evening followed in the same festive fashion. We decorated small pumpkins and had a carpet picnic with lots of tasty holiday treats. This year, more cousins and friends joined the fun, and it was a giggly girls’ night in.

I think it will be my turn to host Charlie Brown’s Thanksgiving. I’m already planning my menu based on Snoopy’s plans- popcorn and toast! I don’t think I can top Sophia’s party, but it shall be enjoyable… and hopefully memorable.

cozified

2010-10-19T12:39:00.001-07:00

Finally, a small storm graced our little harbor town with it’s beautiful presence. I stretched out on my bed so I could see a bit of the grey sky over our neighbor’s roof- a small glimpse from the confined view of my window.

The ipod is neglected in favor of thunder and the splat of raindrops against roof tile and sidewalk. The light switch is off for softer light from hanging star lamps and candles. Last, the computer and notebooks are moved from the kitchen table to my comfortable bed. At last, I have created the workspace I used to dream about from my cubicle.

One small, unforeseen glitch: productivity is slightly lower than expected.

I’m not sure it’s the too-coziness of the environment (fine. maybe a little.). I’ve started projects, but now i’m just kind of…. stuck. I have scenes to write for homework, and they’re not flowing. See, I’m attempting to be nice and busy. I can’t help it if my creativity wonders what the sand is like when it rains and if it would be risking sickness to go check it out.

Instead, I push through and try to utilize stream-of-consciousness writing to spark creativity, as recommended by my screenwriting professor. The raindrops racing down my windowpane are only a tiny bit distracting. They remind me of long bus rides where I would follow their drippy path on foggy glass between daydreams.

seasonal

2010-10-13T17:39:00.001-07:00

Summer will always be my favorite season. I love warm weather and going to the beach and sunshine and the whole bit. When I lived in Ohi-tucky, I dreaded the fall for the simple fact that it brought winter. Long, cold, never-ending, damp, dreadful winter.

I didn’t mind autumn itself. The colorful leaves, the cool crisp air, fresh apple cider, and parties in barns were all wonderful. But I didn’t fully appreciate the season, since I knew it was the end of my too-brief summer.

Now, I happily reside in the land of limited seasons. Sure, everyone says that Southern California’s calendar is marked by earthquakes, wildfires, and mudslides…. and that’s sort of true. I prefer to describe it as a little rain, lots of summer, indian summer, and the mild holiday chill. This is perfectly respectable, in my book. If i had my way, we would only have crappy weather from November 1st through January 1st, then right back to 75-degrees-and-sunny on January 2nd. We could also do with a few more thunderstorms to keep things fresh… but now I’m getting greedy.

Though we had a nice rainy week recently, we’re back to the cool sunshine that took up permanent residence here all summer. Uncharacteristically, I find myself craving apple cider, fall-themed candles, and rain. Kelly made a yummy veggie/chicken/squash/and-a-touch-of-our-homegrown-rosemary-and-basil soup last night, and it was deliciously autumnal. Though I’m ambivalent about Halloween(bring on Thanksgiving, already.. then Christmas!), I am looking forward to carving a pumpkin in the next week or so.

So there you have it. My musings on the weather and related issues. Thrilling, no? If you’d like something deeper, you can check out a new project we’re doing for theater: www.apagefromthestage.blogspot.com!

evaluate

2010-10-03T00:27:00.001-07:00

Despite appearances, the September blogging experiment was not a failure. Though I did not accomplish the goal of daily writing, I came to the conclusion that writing for writing’s sake is not beneficial to me or a reader. However, I could use some more frequency and consistency here, so I shall strive for a healthy balance between the daily and the once-in-a-blue-moon.

So now it is October. Kelly has already graced our apartment with orange lights, cobwebs, and a glowing (fake) jack o’lantern. I do want to carve real pumpkins in a couple of weeks. Halloween is not my favorite holiday, but it’s always nice to make the most of the season, right? And since we don’t have cooler temperatures and colorful, crunchy leaves (not that I mind the late arrival of summer weather), we have to mark October in some way.

Ooh, that reminds me….. I need to find me a jug of apple cider. :)

thumbelina

2010-09-24T12:18:00.001-07:00

I just planted something outside… took part in the activity commonly known as “gardening”….. dirt, water, roots, the whole deal.

Shocking, eh? I started the cilantro from a seed kit, compliments of Target’s dollar spot. Perhaps if you’ve been reading my blog forever and a day, you remember previous seed kit attempts (resulting, of course, in failure). But something blessed these little cilantro seeds, and they began to reach toward the sunlight from their little window sill perch.

But my trip to Ohio left them without adequate water. I returned to find shriveled leaves and a few pale green shoots barely hanging on for dear life. As a life-saving measure, I transplanted them (and a few extra seeds for a better “round two”) to the little flower bed outside. Now I must overcome out-of-sight-out-of-mind syndrome and remember to water them. And if I am successful, my reward will be a delicious harvest of tasty goodness.

return of the

2010-09-23T10:32:00.001-07:00

It’s obvious that i did not achieve my goal of daily blogging this month. This is due to the uncontrollable circumstance of not having computer access during the Ohio trip. It is also due to the very controllable circumstance of laziness as I settle back into the daily groove.

But Ohio was good. My friend, Angela’s, wedding was of course beautiful. The festivities were held at a golf course near Cincinnati, and being outside in the nice, warm weather (take note, So Cal) was lovely. The air smelled sweet as fall settled in, and the sunset the evening of the ceremony was gorgeous. Celebrating their marriage was fun!

Though I often regard Ohio with a sigh and rolled eyes, it’s only fair to note that southern Ohio is really quite nice in autumn. Wooded areas always get my approval, and it’s beneficial to inhale smog-free air. It’s still early, but just a hint of fall colors were starting to emerge. A thunderstorm or lightning bugs would’ve been nice, but a girl can’t be greedy.

I also had about 24 hours to see my family, and let me tell you, that time was efficient. I managed to spend time with my parents, Claudia, Aunt Marta, Tom-Sarah-and-kids, Grandma & Grandpa, Aunt Leigh Ann-Brandi-Jessie-Travis, Uncle Keith-and-Kevin, and Aunt Dorothy & Great Grandma. This also included lunch at the “famous” Young’s Jersey Dairy (the best ice cream, and goats!). My five-year-old cousin Jonas lost his first tooth and taught me how to play a hook-a-ring-on-a-tree game, and I met his year-old sister (or is she two?), Hayley, for the first time. I was introduced to their small town’s prized Chinese restaurant, and my grandpa’s fluffball of a dog. I survived a ride in the van as my baby sister drove it. And of course, I pondered the questions of home and family and belonging.

No wonder I was exhausted when I returned to L.A.

And now it is that I am back, picking up where I left off, as the saying goes. Though Tuesday mainly involved watching a movie and napping until my evening class, yesterday was much more normal in the work-gym-productivity way. Tonight’s rehearsal makes way for the this weekend’s production of “Joseph”, and i’ll be back in water for a dive on Sunday. Soon, Ohio drifts into another memory… and I don’t know how I feel about that.

greenpeace

2010-09-15T00:19:00.001-07:00

My stomach growled as I left the gym, pointing out that I forgot to pack a lunch before i left the house. This was doubly unfortunate, since I wouldn’t be home until after my class ended at 9pm. Thankfully, the gym is conveniently very close to Trader Joe’s, so I could remedy the problem.

As I carried my paper bag out the door (california roll for lunch, chicken salad for dinner), a solicitor stopped me. While it helped his cause that he was young and good-looking, I had somewhere to be and knew I was not interested in joining his campaign. My strategy of politely dismissing him was not effective, however. Explaining I was late for work did not dissuade him. His persistence became irritating, and I patted his shoulder and walked to my car.

The physical contact clearly surprised him. I admit, it kind of surprised me. I’m normally not so gutsy with strangers. But since I possessed enough self-control to keep from saying, “Oh, I thought invading personal space and causing awkwardness is what we were doing here”, it seemed a good compromise.

Pushy storefront solicitors, beware. This newfound strategy might resurface. That is, unless I start carrying a clipboard containing a petition to stop storefront soliciting. I’ll support your cause if you support mine.

down and dirty

2010-09-14T00:52:00.001-07:00

i got up this morning to go snorkeling with friends, despite needing sleep and time to be responsibly productive. It was a nice swim, and I’m glad we went out. Sure, it made the time crunch later a bit more hectic. Sure, I still have things that need to be finished. But I needed the de-stresser.

After a three-hour class (the making of “Apocalypse Now”. Sigh. I think I hate that movie as much as “House of A Thousand Corpses”. Ugh Ugh UGH.) and an hour and a half in traffic, I was ready to jump back in the ocean. But it was off to the theater instead.

Putting finishing touches on the “Joseph” set was quite therapeutic. We made stalks of corn from pvc pipe and pieces of foam pool noodle wrapped in yellow cloth. Leaves from a fake palm tree were taken apart and became the corn leaves. Add some fake moss and the top tassel from an actual stalk of corn, and you have it. Credit to our director and friend, Ian, for thinking of the pool noodle and fabric.

Now sleep. Beautiful, beautiful sleep.

foolish fatigue

2010-09-13T01:20:00.001-07:00

Sugar-free vanilla iced coffee from McDonald’s, two Dr. Pepper’s, and all the sugar packed into a fudge poptart… that’s the necessary amount to fuel a day that covers seven freeways, four cities, and the ability to handle the hottest glue gun known to man after only four hours of sleep.

I will always choose time with a good friend that I rarely see over sleep, especially when the circumstances are so tremendous. I got through church/work (including teaching a class and attending a meeting) and “Joseph” rehearsal with work on the set. But the unfortunate after-effects of consuming a year’s worth of caffeine in a day leave me exhausted yet awake.

Yet, I’ve laughed so much from the loopy disconnect between spine and brain. No matter what, there’s always joy. And there seems to always be love, too. Just in case anyone is keeping track.

airport

2010-09-11T20:56:00.001-07:00

This seems to be the week of LAX…. I picked up Becca from LAX on Wednesday and will be flying out myself on Thursday. At the moment, I am waiting for a friend to call to say she’s landed, so I can jet out that way and pick her up.

This friend (her name is Lauren) has had quite a month. She has been in the process of adopting a daughter from Nepal for over a year. After finally completing the process, she flew overseas with the adoption counselor and another also-adopting couple to bring the baby home. That was when the Nepali government decided that perhaps they weren’t going to approve the adoptions after all. It’s been a battle since then as they wade through red tape and appeal to U.S. senators for assistance. At this time, their cases are still being processed, but they are allowed to fly back to the States to regroup while the fight continues. So please pray that Lauren is able to bring her daughter home soon. And, of course, if you know anything about foreign adoptions or have some kind of crazy connection with the Nepali government, please help. :)

On another note, thank you guys for your feedback on yesterday’s musings. You made very excellent points that I’ve considered as I consider all aspects of the idea.

Contextually, another factor is that i really just don’t like being vulnerable. And when I do disclose matters close to my heart, I’m choosy about who and when I tell. An open journal entry on the world wide web takes away the control of information. At the same time, I don’t want my writing to be surface level fluff.

Yet, look how my “real life” mirrors this journal. I have good group of supportive friends both near and far. They have encouraged me, laughed with me, and cried with me. And 94% of the time, I trust them with my heart. It’s the remaining 6% that becomes tricky. Currently, there are things on my mind that I don’t feel able to share with anyone for various reasons. And maybe I shouldn’t- maybe there are some things you’re just supposed to keep to yourself. It’s not a big big deal, so I’ll just pray about it and let it resolve itself.

Lauren called. She’s on the ground, so I’ve got to head to the airport. Talk to you tomorrow.

hidden line

2010-09-10T23:14:00.001-07:00

Events in the past twenty-four hours have stirred up issues I thought had already been resolved. This made for a challenging day and currently consumes my thoughts. But the personal nature of the emotional storm caused me to question the personal boundaries of an online journal.

Where’s the proverbial line? How much information is too much? With vulnerability comes personal connection and the chance to turn our experiences into something greater than can help someone else in need. At the same time, it’s very clear and much-discussed how the social network age has blurred the standards of self-disclosure. Folks air their dirty laundry with pride, resulting in entertainment, mockery, and sometimes even growth and support.

I don’t know how to decide. I don’t know the complete scope of my readership. You’re a small group, but there are cans of worms that I don’t have the energy to open in the event that someone dear to me takes something to heart. I’ve seen molehills erupt into mountains and these days, I prefer to chose my battles wisely. (p.s.- can I possibly fit more clichés into such a small space???)

Perhaps it would be clearer if my blog had a specific purpose…. how to get the best deals from coupons or tasty recipes or simple ideas to save the earth or book reviews or traffic reports for dogs or something focused with direction. But that’s a)boring, b)done better by others, and c)not true to my style. I started this as a mass email of sorts- a way to keep up with my scattered loved ones (in the days before facebook). It was also a good way for me to keep a record of life happenings while keeping the writing skills flowing. While my ego would love to regularly publish something worthy of public interest, I’m simply not that interesting.

I might be, if I wrote the matters near and dear to my heart. But my hesitancy to be vulnerable combined with cautionary measures to avoid unnecessary life drama suppress that kind of true journaling. And it brings us back to THE question: where are the boundaries? What is a healthy level of disclosure? What criteria help guide subject matter and which details to include?

The answer is unclear to me. Thoughts welcome- from those who blog and those who read. We can discover together. Isn’t that the purpose, after all?

that month

2010-09-10T01:22:00.001-07:00

Remember the “One Month to Live” book? Did anyone ever notice that I quit mentioning it? That’s because I didn’t finish it. I lost interest as it got a little too “Chicken Soup for the Soul” and just rehashed things I already knew. It’s not a bad book, and if you’re looking into stepping up your lifestyle it could be an nice, light read. But I moved on to the next thing (which happened to be a biography on Jane Goodall, books on sharks and local marine life, and another book about dragons).

I was fortunate to spend the day with Becca. We discovered a lovely cafe in Venice with spectacular watermelon rosemary lemonade. We walked to the boardwalk and picked up some incense (i’ve been meaning to do that). We also had dinner at Ports O’Call followed by drinks at a local bar/brewery followed by Becca’s homemade chocolate chip cookies with Theo chocolate (Theo = organic fair-trade chocolate factory that employs my sister). It’s been a lovely day.

non-post

2010-09-09T00:57:00.001-07:00

The most significant thing that happened today was disappointment. But since it involves another person who reads, and who knows many of my readers, it doesn’t seem right to publish the details. Especially since the issue is unresolved.

But I couldn’t let the matter grow even worse by allowing it to disrupt my daily September blogging. So regardless of having nothing good to say, at least this marks the occasion.

They say friends are the family you choose. I think it’s also key that they choose you. There’s also a line in “The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood” about theater being a home for all kinds of orphans. This refers to dysfunctional family.

Meanwhile, my mom deserves mad props for harvesting corn from a field and mailing it to me for the “Joseph” set.

At least my house is clean.

island in the sun

2010-09-07T23:34:00.001-07:00

Lately, many people in my life are experiencing great sadness and trials. Divorce, illness, death, and more drag them through emotional turmoil and leave them clinging to God with their last bit of strength. Though I am in a very blessed season of life, my heart is still heavy for them. There are times when i weep with them. But i am sometimes privileged to carry joy for them when they have none left. They have done the same for me, when it was my turn to walk through the valley of the shadow. The love, prayers, hugs, smiles, and even laughter from someone who cares are truly sunbeams through a dirty window.

During a past dark time of my own, a friend gave me a flower. I’m not certain they were aware of my circumstances and feelings. But that single gesture of kindness represented in colorful, fragrant flower petals changed my entire day. It didn’t eliminate sadness or reverse circumstances, but the simple gift contained hope.

That’s where the miracle exists. Not that we are protected from ever having to experience the bad, but that it’s possible to have joy in the midst of so much sorrow. It’s like stumbling upon an oasis while stranded in the desert. Except it’s no coincidence. We are guided to that oasis. Sometimes it’s a direct encounter with our Heavenly Father, and other times He works through someone here on earth. Do you need joy in this season? (If you do, call me! I love you!) Or are you willing to carry joy to someone in the valley?

deep escape

2010-09-06T23:50:00.001-07:00

Where is that scripture that says “I could go to the ends of the earth or the depths of the sea, and You’d still be there”? I know I am paraphrasing, which makes it hard to search for the exact verse. Do you know where it is?

That’s the phrase that went through my mind as I cruised over rocks covered with urchins and ochre sea stars this morning. Anchored by kelp, I floated along with the flow of the surge, in synchronized dance with senoritas and opal eye. There are no to-do lists under the water. There is no drama among the rocks and kelp. Animals behave logically, with no ulterior motives. The only sounds are the clicking of rocks under the waves and the crash of the same waves baptizing rocks on the surface.

All while escaping the craziness of life on land, God is still very present. We are often aware of the Creator’s presence in nature, but there is also a deep peace there. Somehow, God is as close(r) in that freezing, salty water as in a church sanctuary.

thirst

2010-09-06T00:33:00.001-07:00

Is it bad that I just submitted a picture of my father to the people of walmart site?

Most of the day was spent at the theater, working on props and other helpfulness for “Joseph”. Occasionally, I got to step in for some blocking. This is like giving a bread-and-water prisoner a taste of Thanksgiving dinner, but only a few small bites. I’ve also caught myself playing songs over multiple times in order to learn them. Is it normal to subconsciously teach yourself new material?

I know I’m being unnecessarily dramatic (there’s irony), as I’ll be learning the Christmas show in about a month. And with all the changes of a a new job and such, I would not have been fully committed even if i WERE in this show (which I would’ve been, if I didn’t already have plans to be out of town during opening weekend. For the record, attending a close friend’s wedding is much more a priority). But it’s the same feeling I had when we moved to a new town in junior high that didn’t have a theater program until high school (that summer I met the high school director and begged for audition info to treat my “theater deprivation”. he was amused and cast me as a freshman). It’s the feeling I had when I could not manage to do shows at APU due to my work schedule that allowed me to afford to attend a school to study theater. And that feeling remained after graduation until I joined Masquer last year. I know the feeling, and I know the solution is to rehearse and perform. It’s in my blood.

post midnight

2010-09-05T00:28:00.001-07:00

It still counts as “today” since I haven’t gone to bed yet.

Here’s a picture of the side of our fridge:

It’s my tally system of identifying fish from dives. The orange one is garibaldi, and the other orange one with blue spots is what it looks like when it’s young. The black-stripey one is a tree fish, though the verdict is still out on whether or not i correctly identified it. The blue whale is more artistic since we saw those from land after the dive. Can you tell the difference between the angel shark and the shovelnose guitarfish? They’re cousins. And obviously, none of these are drawn to scale.

Also in the realm of randomness, this is what is in my head, compliments of Roommate Kelly:

And I think that’s enough for today.

floja

2010-09-03T21:41:00.001-07:00

I am ashamed to admit how much laziness i am exuding today. It’s almost as if random productive tasks are wrapped in cozy nests of pure, unadulterated lazy. My “Saturday’s” come at various times during the week, depending on work tasks and other scheduled events. I suppose, instead of feeling guilty when I’m not constantly rushing about some nonsense, I should cherish the downtimes before life gets hectic again.

Which will be soon.

I was pleasantly surprised to recently find out that my sister, Becca, will be visiting next week. And a few days after she leaves, I’ll be attending a wedding in Ohio. And the Masquer show will open. And school work will pick up. Then I’ll be planning a couple more church events, and then the holidays (which we all know is another beast entirely). So surely my current snail’s pace is justifiable, right?

Sometimes, I truly don’t know if my schedule is balanced. I hate to admit that, as it borders on the fuzzy line between reality and the occasionally distorted perception of bipolar disorder. Even admitting that fact is embarrassing and awkward. Who wants to broadcast to the world that they are crazy? But if anything, my writing here will be honest. And honesty seems to be one key to dealing with the disorder- whether by communicating to others what’s going on inside my brain or by the extended process of dealing with it all. And since this process produces the degree of normalcy we all know and love, I declare it a good thing.

Until then, I feel guilty and lazy if I’m not always doing something productive. And I’m unsure if that’s a healthy indication to get my butt in gear or a ridiculous notion I should discard.

In the meantime, I think I’ll log off and finish my library book about dragons. i’m pretty sure that’s a fair compromise between busy bee and sloth. Somehow.

seven minutes

2010-09-03T00:01:00.001-07:00

Day two of the daily blogging, and I almost forgot-again. So I have seven minutes to write and post- and that’s all you get for now.

Absolutely nothing eventful happened today. Perhaps this is why I don’t write daily. I wrote the singles’ conference spot first thing this morning, attempted to visit the chiropractor at the school health center, but due to a scheduling mistake that didn’t happen.

I was determined not to waste gas on a failed errand, so I drove to Trader Joe’s and the the gym. That’s right, in addition to regular grocery shopping, I decided to join the gym. It’s going to be tricky financially, but I am hoping that regular yoga classes with help my back and reduce the need for the chiropractor and scheduling mistakes.

The rest of the day was filled with working from home, a nap with Tootsie, and teaching Kelly how to play Phase 10.

11:59pm! Must post! Tomorrow is another day, with something more fun for me to write and you to read…..

septiembre

2010-09-01T23:46:00.001-07:00

Today, I decided to blog daily during the month of September. Then I almost completely forgot about it until just now, a mere forty minutes from midnight. As usual, procrastination motivates me- I should be working on a spot for work that’s due tomorrow.

It doesn’t help that it’s advertising a single’s event. After a day of constant “going”, all my fingers want to type is, “Tired of feeling pathetic while all your friends get married? Come join the handful of remaining loners in this city and wallow in all the different aspects of single life. Nowhere else can you feel so alone in a room full of people! Besides, we know you have nothing better to do on a Saturday night!”

Of course, this is so not what the event is about (and my blog does not express the opinions of my employer, etc etc). And I’m not really THAT bitter about being single. I would just rather be winding down than being creative, and I express this through ridiculousness.

*Pause to pet Kelly’s dog, Tootsie, who is currently saddled with the cone of shame.*

So where did all the energy go? The night is still young, after all. Hmm.… washed car, CVS, auto insurance office, Wal-Mart, theater work evening, traffic, home. Yeah, it must’ve escaped somewhere in there. Now that I get paid once-a-month, I find the “list” of needed items and errands piles up and culminates in first-of-the-month madness.

*Pause to adjust to the sudden presence of Tootsie on my lap and cone of shame obstructing my view of half the computer screen.*

School’s back now, too. Each class is only once a week during this semester. This means easier to schedule work, but longer class sessions and a bit more homework. It also means that a week’s worth of class time is squeezed into one day. My professors seem cool- both adjunct and working in the industry. Already there is personality in both teachers and fellow students. In one short week, I have discovered that “Apocalypse Now” has replaced “Citizen Kane” as my absolute most-despised movie, that my four most favorite movies (Wizard of Oz, Girl Interrupted, French Kiss, and Jurassic Park) contain the common theme of navigating a new world in search of home, and that while learning my classmates’ names is important, it is not nearly as fun as silently referring to them as “Rachel from Glee”, “Old Urine Man”, or “Glasses Dude”.

*Pause to remove Tootsie and Cone from resting directly on my typing hands and completely obstructing my view of the screen.*

*Pause to wonder how Cone Tootsie is even remotely comfortable with head/cone now resting in the crook of my elbow.*

*Pause to wonder how long I’m going to sit hunched over like this to reach the keyboard and accommodate dog, especially since I’m prolonging my work time by blogging instead of writing my spot.*

*Overcome by fatigue, responsibility, and pity for Conehead, pause to post entry, finish spot, and sleep.*

spattering

2010-08-28T22:24:00.001-07:00

The highlight of my day was sprawled out on the couch with Tootsie, watching Will&Grace while feasting on blue corn chips and m&m’s. This also represents the low point of my day.

Though standing at the checkout at Target while another customer argued with the defensive employee over a receipt was a close second. It gave me time to muse/fume over yet another reminder that national chain department stores operate by “seasons”, despite the fact that our large nation has varying seasons per region. Southern Californians will still want summer items in August (sarcastic gasp), while I bet a girl in North Dakota will be desperate for and unable to find a hat and mittens in March.

Another low point led me to Target. That would be the moment right after I thought, “gee, i’m glad we have hot water today. this warm shower is nice.” The notion was punctuated by the shower head falling off the pipe and spraying said hot water in all directions.

But enough listing all the reasons i’m cranky today (yes, the list starts with “p”, ends with “s”, and has some “m” in the middle). Let’s think about good things… good things… good things, yeah.

I still need to upload pictures from this year’s chalk contest. Sophia and I didn’t put much preparation into it, and it showed. The drawing turned out ok, but it wasn’t our best work. So we weren’t surprised to lose to much better artists. There was no shortage of fun, though!

Latest dive news: this week’s snorkeling seemed like a bust at first, with nothing but murky water and an obscene amount of kelp. The rock climbing to the site was great fun, and i finally had a chance to explore tide pools. I made friends with a hermit crab who crawled through my hands. But the milestone unexpectedly occurred when we drove down the road. In the not-so-distance, bursts of water shot toward the sky from none other than the backs of blue whales. For the most part, we only saw their backs, but occasionally a nose would rise or a flipper would emerge from the sea. As the sun sank toward the horizon and the air turned chilly, we watched them dance.

super

2010-08-16T10:40:00.001-07:00

Ah, it feels good to be on the other side of a big event. After being consumed with details for kids’ ministry fun day, I felt more than ready for the day.

Everything went smoothly. The parents at this church are incredibly supportive and proactive- no “drop your kids off for free baby-sitting” here! We have a large number of three- and four-year-olds, so an equally large amount of supervision is most helpful. From 9am to 3pm, kids created puppets and beaded glow-in-the-dark crosses, ran around pelting each other with bean bags and water balloons, fought goliath with mentos and diet coke, crossed a blue tarp “red sea”, and transformed into superheroes for Jesus with their own homemade armor of God. Best of all, they left with smiles and happy parents.

Now I am caught up on sleep and ready to tackle the huge pile of supplies in my office I neglected to put away yesterday. But it will wait until tomorrow, because today is my “Saturday”. I shall clean the house a little, then hang out with friends.

My reading lately has included the daily dose of “One Month to Live”, random devotionals, and novels I’ve collected but hadn’t time to read. A few of these have been started and discarded after a couple chapters. I used to be strict about finishing any book I began. Now, I feel like time is too precious a commodity to waste on mediocre story or slow, pointless plot. Randomly, a couple of these (including yesterday’s Sunday School curriculum) have mentioned Jesus’ healing, followed by the phrase, “your faith has made you well.”

Years of studying the Word and seeing it live have brought me to the conclusion that God heals in accordance to His plan. This may mean a quick, miraculous recovery. Sometimes, the healing is final and a very sick or injured person is restored to eternal pain-free life in heaven. Other times, the healing comes slowly in order to teach a life lesson, reach someone in the course of the journey of suffering, or a variety of reasons only the Lord knows until we understand what He’s trying to say. While our faith and devotion can be a catalyst for God’s hand, the Almighty Creator and Great Physician does not depend on us for power. So when people say, “Just have enough faith and you’ll be healed”, I cringe. I have seen the strongest believers lose the ultimate battle with terminal illness, while folks who barely acknowledge His existence became well. God is not a frivolous Santa Claus, arbitrarily sprinkling various amounts of blessing on the lucky few. There are so many factors in His intricate tapestry of a master plan.

So what do we make of “your faith has made you well”? These words were often spoken by Jesus, who certainly He knew what He was talking about. If it was simply faith that healed, why would these folks need an encounter with Jesus at all? Couldn’t they just believe and *poof * be healed? Or perhaps it goes beyond the physical. Maybe Jesus made them physically healthy, while their faith made them spiritually well? After all, Jesus, the Son of God, understood beyond the people’s limited knowledge of that time period. He knew that the person is body, mind, and soul. And this was a guy who was concerned about the hearts of the people- beyond the chambers, ventricles, veins, and arteries. Could it be that trusting the Messiah and surrendering to His mercy (often publicly, in the midst of less-than-compassionate crowds!) helped make them completely “well”?

As always, I welcome your thoughts on this subject. I’m still working out my understanding of God-details, and am in no way an authority on such matters. It’s a life-long study that we’ve got to work together to accomplish!

inspired

2010-08-11T20:01:00.001-07:00

After a day of solid work on the kids’ fun day event, I need a break. Especially since the rest of the evening will be spent working on lesson planning and the like.

But I do love my job and am glad to spend my days on projects that matter! :)

If you’re interested in the progress of “One Month to Live”, I have little to report. The past few days have been the typical “connect with people you love, reconcile with those you’ve wronged or who’ve wronged you, etc. etc.”. While this is sound advice and good living, it’s not a new concept.

My friend, Becca, brought up the concept that if you truly had one month left in life, you’d likely not waste it on responsible things, like cleaning, or choose to throw nutrition to the wind and indulge in favorite foods. The book mentions that this is not the point and reminds us that we need to be healthy and responsible. But I think Becca makes an excellent point. The reason we have room in life to focus on all the amazing things is that if we actually had only thirty days, we could throw out the necessary crap that sucks away our time. And facing reality while still attempting “One Month to Live” dries up all urgency that motivates us to change our lifestyle. So far my conclusion is that, while the actions and actively reordering our priorities is excellent, using the “if you only had 30 days to live!!” approach is misguided. But it’s only the 11th… maybe I will change my mind after reading 19 more days…..

On a completely different note, I am compelled to post a couple of things that inspire me artistically. These videos speak for themselves… and I hope I can be as creative in the next year when I begin my production projects for school…

And while we’re on the subject of inspiration….. A recent facebook/twitter post included video of great white sharks shot by a semi-local surfer (the giant boobs were in the background, so we know it was almost to San Diego). A comment from my third-grade teacher (oh, the wonder of facebook) reminded me of a book that really hooked my love of the ocean and desire to swim with sharks.

And that title is “Shark Lady” (not Shark Lad, fyi). It was hard to find the old cover, but I remember it very clearly. I should, considering I have read that book at least 17 times, if not more. It’s a little incredible that a children’s biography published in the late ‘70’s could give such enthusiasm to a girl who had never seen the ocean.

And yes, I totally stopped writing and bought a copy of the book for 75 cents on half.com. It deserves a place of honor on my bookshelf- not far from the snorkeling equipment that helps me swim with the fish for real.

worth $20?

2010-08-06T14:32:00.001-07:00

Another Friday… another farmers’ market day. I spent a whole $20, and what do I have to show for it?

A bunch of carrots, a load of grapes, a head of broccoli, two ears of corn, four ginormous peaches, a bouquet of flowers for the dining room table, and a delicious lunch of Peruvian chicken & shrimp rice (which will also be enough for dinner, ‘cause it’s huge). AND I know everything is fresh, organic, and supporting local farmers.

As a bonus, I stopped at CVS to use an extra-care-bucks coupon and get cash for the market. I spent a whoppin’ $1.17 for a bottle of shimmery green nail polish and a bar of Burt’s Bees citrus and ginger root soap.

Perhaps I’m riding the wave of the early stages of mania, or maybe I’m just in a good mood on the first day of my two-week “summer break” from school. But I am inspired to work on art projects as I put together a mini-vbs fun day for church/work and sew burlap sacks for Masquer’s production of “Joseph”. This morning, something in me decided to create fish out of construction paper and crayons. The side of our refrigerator is now a tally of the creatures we encounter on our snorkeling ventures…. our neighbors under the sea.

Like this guy:

He’s a juvenile garibaldi. Apparently, they lose those spots when they grow up to be the familiar brilliant orange dudes we know and love. But those blue patches actually GLOW…. so beautiful and amazing.

Our church is reading a book called “One Month to Live” by Kerry and Chris Shook. The basic premise is how you would change your life if you found out you only had 30 days left, and why/how to make those changes now. It’s the usual “living life to the fullest” deal, completely with a practical game plan. The book is not bad so far (only on day 6), but I feel like it’s the way I already live. This entire year has been about making each day count and not wasting life on matters of falsely-perceived importance. I don’t know how long my current situation will last, but I feel like I’m on the right course. Though everything seems too good to be true, I trust that it will continue to be an incredible adventure as long as I stick with God’s direction.

Do you feel like that? Or are you restless for something more? Or do you think it’s a bunch of hippy rainbows-&-sunshine idealistic nonsense? I want your thoughts. Seriously… email or use the comments, but please tell me what you think.

just a short walk away

2010-07-30T21:09:00.001-07:00

Running errands on foot (or bike) is now my preferred method. It burns calories instead of gasoline! And today’s usual bank/post office trip included a bonus- the San Pedro farmer’s market.

Since i’m definitely an atm girl, I have never noticed the front of the bank building. Apparently, they have been here a long time.

Side note for non-Californians- I know it seems odd that old buildings are of any interest. But so many things around here are modern and new. It’s refreshing to see older architecture and know that parts of town were here so many long years ago. Sometimes it reminds me of the old buildings in Greenville, OH (where I lived during a good part of childhood).

The post office also has that old-school charm. I imagine how this port town used to be back in the day…

Just out the window, you see the harbor and the incoming cargo ships…

Circling back a few blocks closer to home, I finally experienced the weekly farmer’s market.

For $13, I got two huge, tasty peaches, two large ears of corn, a bag of green beans, and some strawberries, blueberries, and raspberries… and all fresh and locally grown. With the exception of carrots, it seems like we can get all of our produce here instead of at the grocery. Next week, I will probably get a bouquet of fresh flowers, too. :)

Additionally, there were food vendors (I think I’m going to try a Peruvian dish next week), live music, and some crafters. Win!

Of course, after feeling all economical and artsy, I jumped in my car and hung out with a friend at the mall…

know your region

2010-07-29T17:16:00.001-07:00

There was an exam today in film analysis class. I’ve aced the last two, but blew this one. It’s a consequence I accepted in exchange for going on a “camping” trip with friends, and therefore missing two days of class (I say “camping” because we were pretty much in a house. A lovely air-conditioned house.).

It was worth it though, for the adventure. We went to the edge of California, the Colorado River, in order to float lazily in the current while baking in the desert sun. While one is submerged in said river, it doesn’t feel as if you’re in triple-digit heat- it’s rather lovely. In addition to good times with friends, the river offered a close encounter with a pelican and an opportunity to “visit” Arizona for the first time. However, this opportunity reminded me that swimming in current is much more difficult than, say, a pool. It also showed me that when one is stranded in the desert without any shoes, standing on plants will save your sole (thanks to my friend, Daniel, for this much-needed survival technique).

As beautiful as the desert landscape can be, I was surprised to find it smothering. Usually wide open spaces give one a sense of freedom, but perhaps knowing that a person is not truly free to roam the dry, hostile environment lends more to a sense of captivity. It was easy to see why long-term residents develop a thick skin and tough personality.

Now i sit, grateful for the new adventure, and glad to be back home to ocean breezes. It’s nice to remember the full moon and starlight dancing on the water at night, though.

rescue crab 911

2010-07-24T21:03:00.001-07:00

This afternoon featured snorkel excursion #3. Kelly, Daniel, and I headed first to Lunada Bay. The steep, sandy path down the cliff led to a peaceful cove full of kelp. Unfortunately, there were only a handful of silver fish in the maze of seaweed, so we regrouped and moved to a different site.

Malaga Cove proved rewarding! The water was pretty clear, and hosted the usual garibaldi and various other fish that i need to learn to identify (garibaldi are easy, because they are bright, bright orange). An angel shark swam right under me, and I followed him for a moment! But as you can see below, he’s pretty tame as far as sharks go….

I spied a neat shell, so I dove my deepest yet to retrieve it (about 10 feet- not impressive. but i’m increasing time spent under water and stuff). We examined the shell, and found it empty and perfect. Though I don’t want to harvest the ocean of it’s natural beauty, taking one shell to represent this dive seemed reasonable. So in the goody bag it went as we enjoyed the rest of the dive…. including swimming with a school of at least a hundred mackerel!

I couldn’t find an image of the type of shell, so you’ll just have to imagine that it’s cone-shaped with barnacles and stuff growing on the top, and a swirly underside, pearly and shimmery on the inside.

When we got home, we set our shells on the an empty pizza box on the counter for cleaning later. However, when I stepped out of the shower, I noticed two shells were not exactly where we left them… and they were moving!!

Quickly, I gathered the runaway shells, and little crabs ducked back deep inside (invisible again). After recruiting a gladware container to hold the stowaways, I jumped in my car and drove down the street to the beach. Soon the little guys were safely back in the ocean to live the rest of their long, happy, crabby days.

long distance phone call

2010-07-15T00:21:00.001-07:00

The other day I called Mamaw (paternal grandmother) to wish her happy birthday. Part of me felt a little guilty that the wishes were belated (in all fairness, it’s tricky to match my west coast schedule with her east coast time zone), but the other part of me isn’t sure that she cared. I’m also not certain the extent of her memory loss.

Mamaw seems to remember the long-term stuff much better than the short-term. At least, pertaining to phone conversations I have with her. I don’t interact with her on a daily basis, and I haven’t been back to Ohio in a couple of years. Sometimes I wonder if she even remembers that we’ve talked at all, and if it even matters that I call.

This particular conversation took the usual cycle- what we’ve done lately, when did I plan to visit, the weather… followed by what we’ve done lately, when did I plan to visit, the weather…. and again what we’ve done lately, when did I plan to visit, the weather… interspersed with slight variations, including Mamaw singing a few bars of an old hymn I didn’t recognize. However, I did recognize that moments like that are precious. I would not forget them.

I was careful not to tell the dog to be quiet this time. During our last conversation, she kept forgetting that I live with a dog now:
me: Yes, I’m hoping to visit in September…. Oh, Tootsie, quit barking at the neighbors!
Mamaw: Why are you calling me Tootsie? haha!

This time, she told me how she celebrated her birthday- with dinner at Cracker Barrel. She remember those events of a few days ago. They were important moments with her family. That’s when I figured that even though she didn’t remember the content of our conversation, I was pretty sure she would not forget that I called. The weather didn’t matter. Neither did my latest version of a busy schedule, or what she did today. What counts is the time connected by a cell phone signal, defying time zones and distance to bring together grandmother and granddaughter.

I told her I missed Cracker Barrel. She said we’ll go when I’m there in September- she’ll start saving her money, she said with a laugh. After we hung up, I decided that I was dragging her to that dear old country restaurant, whether or not she remembers why. A dinner with my Mamaw is long overdue.

this entry makes no sense

2010-07-09T21:32:00.001-07:00

Often, in the middle of some kind of good life experience, I will think to myself, “i’m gonna blog about this.” Then i become consumed with whatever that bloggable thing was, and forget. Later, I find myself sitting in front of a blank page, wondering why i thought i had enough thoughts of interest to write in the first place.

i’m afraid that will happen with screenplays. i need to write them. i want to write them. but the apprehension of sucking prevents me from jumping in and writing. And it’s odd, because that’s not typical of my personality.

But i’m enrolled in a screenwriting course in the fall, so we’ll end this nonsense right quick!

Meanwhile, life continues to be grand. Challenges exist, but God handles them. i’m learning to chill out and let Him do His thing. For those of you interested in the factual recap, here’s the buzz:

Church work is good. We are putting together vacation Bible school from scratch, to be complete in a month. It’s a superhero theme, and i’m having fun brainstorming the ideas.

I still occasionally write copy for Salem. And i think there’s some sort of clause I have to put on my blogs now about this not being the opinions of the company or some sort of silliness. But i’m pretty sure there is no doubt in anyone (all ten of you reading this) that my affiliation with Salem is barely anything.

The next Masquer show is “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat”. I’m doing some production stuff since i’ll be out of town for opening weekend. I know it’s silly, but i miss rehearsing already. i want to learn music and blocking and… you know. But i remember that i have a still-new job and school that needs focus.

My rambling has just been interrupted by one cuddly dog belonging to my roommate, Kelly. Tootsie has been quite a blessing… i’ve missed having a pet around since Jolie died last year….

But onto happier things. Last weekend I went snorkeling for the first time… and it was incredible. First, the fact that such things are available a mere ten minutes from my front door blows my mind. Second, I am hooked, want to do it again, and realize i am a weak swimmer. This must improve. Third…. so beautiful!! We went over a rock ridge that was covered in purple sea urchins and colorful starfish. There were silver fish… orange fish (garibaldi), and a couple with stripes. And lots and lots of kelp. Also, going in and out of the water involved rocks. Many rocks. Rocks that grab flippers and knock a girl in many directions. Rocks that require a girl to bond with band-aids and neosporin for the next few days…. But I’ll embrace my battle wounds. The scars will remind me of my first time snorkeling ever!!

Ok, you’ve put up with this scatteredness long enough. You’re updated, that’s what matters. i shall demonstrate better writing skill next time. seriously. i promise.

have work, will travel

2010-07-01T19:28:00.001-07:00

First week of summer semester, complete! Thankfully, this is an entry level course, so taking it during this accelerated semester works well. It’s super easy, and moving any slower so boring…. Then again, maybe that’s my short attention span shouting through the two-hours-daily class time.

I hardly have any right to complain. Since I haven’t yet received my church keys, i’m working from home most days. Today, I had my fill of sitting on the computer, so I packed up my notebooks, hopped on my bike, and rode to the beach.

I hadn’t been to this local beach before, and it’s been years since I rode a bike any considerable distance. But the adventure proved a little easier than anticipated. True to a friend’s description, this beach is a teeny bit ghetto. A narrow wooden footbridge led away from the beachgoers (why were there only children in the water?) to a rocky shoreline. Waves rolled over round stones with a delightfully soothing, almost musical, clacking noise. I climbed over graffitied rocks and under cliffs of layered rock to find peaceful solitude. Perched atop a stone barrier, I overlooked the water and worked on a piece of copy for the radio station. And I couldn’t help but think that no matter how hard they tried, no punk can spray paint the ocean.

Thanks to fresh air, sunlight, sand, and even a nice patch of grass, I finished a major project for church. Thanks to the bike, I exercised and saved gas (and my rockstar parking spot in front of our apartment). This is a beautiful, beautiful arrangement.

the real girl

2010-06-28T16:49:00.001-07:00

School’s back in session for the summer! The two-week break between terms was thankfully well-timed to accommodate the transition between work at the Fish and the church. Now my schedule is roughly: school in the morning, church work in the afternoon…. and there is also time left to write spots (commercials) for the radio station. Yes, in the week of freedom, I was re-hired. Perhaps I will never escape? But I am happy to be doing something I enjoy with the freedom to work from home.

There is also time to take a break and play with Kelly’s dog, or walk outside, or open a window, or light a candle, or……

I recently saw “Lars and the Real Girl” at Sophia’s house. It had been recommended by multiple friends- for good reason. Ryan Gosling gives an excellent performance, and it’s a fun, quirky film. The best thing was the demonstration of a loving community helping someone heal. At face-value, it’s a response to mental-illness that is rarely seen. Of course, “community” does not have to be synonymous with an entire town. It can be a family, a church, a group of friends….. whoever fills the pool of support. But the same principle applies to all kinds of healing, be it physical or emotional. The power of unconditional love (and yes, the love of Christ) overcomes more than we typically expect. Unselfish acts, like taking a doll to the hair salon, could change someone’s life. ~~Can~~ Will you and I love that simply?

As someone with a mental disorder (or just as an average human being with their fair share of brokenness), I can attest to this truth. Healing is born when God’s love is actively brought to life. The encouraging support comes from family and friends, church and theater, and sometimes even work. All of these hands formed a chain to pull me out of the pit that is depression and continue to guide me toward a better way of living. The moments of listening, prayers, patience during the ups and downs of bipolar cycles, the lack of judgment when I am just plain ridiculous, the generosity when I am in need, and of course the precious times of laughter and joy…. these are gifts to be treasured until the end of time (and perhaps even beyond). I can see my past self, a person who lacked feeling and hope, from my current vantage point- that of a real girl, she-who-is-alive.

hidden treasures

2010-06-24T14:53:00.001-07:00

One of the joys of the new situation is discovering the neighborhood. It seems that there are never-ending points of interest to find! Of course, part of this could be because I focus on one thing, while oblivious to another. For instance, because I’m usually so preoccupied with wherever it is that I’m going, I failed to notice the coin-operated car wash JUST AROUND the corner from our house. Seriously, it has taken me over two months to register its existence. Moreover, the only reason I recognized it was because I had to slow down to find the driveway to the little smog check place next to it.

However, I feel the reward is in the small-town feel of these locally-owned businesses. When I walked into the small waiting area for the smog check, I was greeted by a very handsome german shepherd. I heard a voice from the next room inviting me in, and then met the owner, a little old man eating his lunch- fresh veggies and some kind of casserole in a tupperware. While he checked my car, I played tug-of-war with the dog in the very simple waiting room- a couch, a small table with a variety of magazines (mostly “Lucky” and “Allure”…..?), and not a single thing hanging on the wall (in the waiting room, that is. In his office, there were pictures of family, and even more pictures of the dog).

Tonight, my friend Leah and I will be checking out another neighborhood gem- Shakespeare by the Sea. I’ve heard of people performing Shakespeare in parks, but recently discovered that they use the small stage in the park down the street that overlooks the ocean. And it’s in my budget (read: free). And with my next paycheck, I intend to check out the Friday farmer’s market down the street… and the local coffee shop….. and so on……

But for now I must return to children’s ministry tasks. In this week before summer semester begins, I have allowed myself to be a little relaxed in my schedule, but starting Monday I will have work, school, and even some writing to do… and it will only happen if I am disciplined. Oh, responsibility…. Can you imagine what my procrastinative younger self would say if she saw me now?

sabbatical

2010-06-19T09:56:00.001-07:00

So I didn’t mean to take time off of blogging. Yet, it seemed strangely appropriate. It wasn’t like I didn’t have anything to say, but energies were directed elsewhere in the whirlwind of my life.

In the time I’ve been “away”, so much has happened. Since you likely follow my twitter/facebook (and if you don’t, you should ;) ), you know most of this already.

- We completed work and performances of “Risen”, and it continued to be the amazing experience it was in production.
- I moved to San Pedro with my friend, Kelly. We live in a groovy little apartment in a neat neighborhood near the harbor. I see the ocean every day, and couldn’t be happier.
- I finished my first semester back to school. My grades weren’t the “A’s” I desired, but considering that this semester held much transition, I accept that.
- My time at the Fish has ended, and Sunday will be my first day as the children’s ministry director at a local church.

Of course, a zillion moments, large and small, fill the three-month space since my last entry, but I kind of like that they're set apart and unrecorded. It almost makes this transition time a little bit sacred in its own way.

if you want me to(o)

2010-03-23T19:53:00.001-07:00

By the time I sit down with my laptop, my eyes and my brain have glazed over in a haze. This is inconvenient, because there are usually things that still need done… balancing a check book, applying for a job, finding a decent word for a scrabble game…..

But the days are full and take a lot of energy. In the midst of the up-early-for-school-then-work-and-lots-of-driving, the Easter show is rapidly approaching, homework requires attention, and the various details of moving preparation beg to be completed.

Yup, that’s right… moving. Kelly (new roommate) and I started visiting apartments on Friday, March 12th. On our way into the office of the first place, we realized that we forgot to pray! We decided that we would do that as soon as we returned to the car. In the meantime, we scoped out the exterior of the complex (which was a little bit “eh” but hey, we’re girls on a budget). Our decision was made immediately when we learned their no-pet policy would not work out so well for Kelly’s dog….

After seeking the Lord’s guidance, we fell in love with place #2 near the harbor in San Pedro. The set-up was great, it met all of our needs, and the neighborhood was groovy. Though we tried not to get our hopes up, our prayers became, “please please please please God let us live here!!”

We drove to the third apartment complex with little time before I had to leave for work. We prayed that we would be in and out, and quickly know if this was a place we should pursue. At the office (that smelled of old lady and cigarettes), we found that the vacant apartment had already been rented. Prayer answered….

Less than 24 hours later, we were approved for the apartment in San Pedro that we love. There was lots of happy squealing and excitement. In fact, there still tends to be happy squealing and excitement…. :) I’m going to live near the ocean… i will be happily squealing on the inside for awhile, I think. When i’m not sighing contently, that is.

So now it’s time to pack and work out all the details of moving…. while still keeping up with homework! Screenplay class is pretty low maintenance, though I have a test tomorrow that requires additional studying….. And the bulk of my drawing projects are done in class- only part of each drawing is done at home. Here are the latest projects in various stages of completion:

Sorry so dark… cell phone shots. You know how it goes…..

And the show…. I am loving the latest Masquer show, “Risen”. It’s an original piece, performance art based on music. My character is just deeply in love with Jesus. In fact, it sometimes feels like cheating to call it acting, as it is so close to myself. But there are also some healthy challenges, like relating to a piece of cloth and handling a couple of solos. So PLEASE come see it, because I am so excited to show you what we’ve been working on (that’s right, so excited that i allowed that preposition to remain at the end of the sentence).

So while some details of current life are unfinished, i am doing all i can to trust God for each day. My impatient self wants everything to be perfect right at this instant, but a wise Father reminds me that big change would be too overwhelming to happen overnight. So moving in will happen gradually between getting the keys April 1st and after the show closes (the week of the 12th). That the rest of the financial details- like a second job- will happen, but I have enough to keep me going for awhile (and longer, if i make sacrifices).

Dinner time…. more will come… and believe me, at this rate, i have a feeling there will be a lot more to come. :)

no boys allowed

2010-03-10T23:04:00.001-08:00

Girl talk. Consider yourself warned.

Kimya Dawson writes monthly flowetry. Apparently, I just write period parodies. My excess time in the car combined with my irritating discomfort led to this gem:

(To the tune of “God Bless America”)

I hate my uterus
and o-va-ries
They defy me
You’ll find me
Crying out, deep in pain, on my knees
From the bleeding
to the cramping
to the bloating
no more, please!
I hate my uterus
and o-va-ries!

While humming this little ditty to myself on my drive to work, I witnessed some dude run a red light. So, to the same tune, I started singing,

Please don’t run red lights
It’s dan-ger-ous
Though you don’t care
You’ll die there
When you’re hit by an oncoming bus…..

At this point, I suspected I was out of control and stopped whilst I was still ahead. Perhaps this is not what our founding fathers had in mind for the patriotic anthem?

paint it black

2010-02-26T12:52:00.001-08:00

i am a lazy bum.

i have the entire day off, and have done nothing but sleep, read, and spend quality time with the computer. It’s not as if I don’t have a plethora of options- including necessary tasks and festive past-times. I’m just downright lazy today.

In other news, everything else is truckin’ along. School is going well, work is going well, i’m still searching for a second job or other such solution to financial shortfalls. I spend hours each day in my car and look forward to the moment financial shortfalls are solved so i can move to a more central location. Otherwise, I am prepared to move anyway and spend 80% of my money on rent and scrape by on the rest!

Random tidbits:

I’m not completely opposed to “Fireflies” by Owl City. But the part where he talks about keeping a few in a jar makes me sad. After painting a picture of millions of flying lights, you can’t confine the magical creatures to a jar. That’s like keeping an orca in a tank (what, too soon?).

This weekend’s homework consists of shading a drawing of an apple and a pear.

This year’s birthday celebrating seems to revolve around food. Due to finances and crazy schedules, there will be no “birthday adventure”. This is actually kind a blessing in itself, as past birthday adventures, though exciting (kayaking in San Diego, “Wicked”, Disneyland), would be too much to try to manage at the moment. So, a series of birthday dinners with my favorite people will do nicely. However, if someone wants to give me an apartment in the South Bay area as a birthday present, I would humbly accept and love them forever.

I think I’m the only person in America who is uninterested in the Olympics.

doo be doo

2010-02-15T17:32:00.001-08:00

Ah, a day off. Plenty of time to do the things I want. An excellent time to check off ye olde to-do list….. who am i kidding?

I celebrate President’s day by sleeping in, watching tv, spending copious amounts of time on the internet, and procrastinating. In fact, it’s kind of an expanded version of how I waste time any other day of the year. Washington and Lincoln would be proud, i’m sure.

My excuse is that this is my last day of some sort of freedom. You see, I start school tomorrow. That’s right, school. I’m super excited to FINALLY be getting this thing underway. At the same time, it feels so weird to be getting ready for school again. If only I could remember where I packed my purses and bags. Gonna need something a bit larger to hold books than my trusty turtle tote.

My new schedule is as follows: class in the morning in Torrance, work in Orange from 12-5. Except Fridays, where I only have work. Since the moving hasn’t happened quite yet due to financial delay, I have a two hour drive each morning to school (yay, traffic…). I’m still searching for a second part-time job to solve said financial delay, thus eliminating two-hour commute. If you were wondering whatever happened to background extra jobs: in a month, I haven’t qualified for a single job. Either I’m too young, too old, the wrong color, or lacking skills like a circus act or gun-handling… or once even the wrong kind of car. Perhaps in the future it will work, but for now, I’m seeking a more reliable source of income.

So here’s to spending the next few hours wisely. I’ll clean my room, grab some (decaf) coffee with a friend, pack my lunch, and head to bed early. Five am comes early (dear Lord, give me strength), and I’ve got a big week ahead.

(wo)man of constant sorrow

2010-02-03T16:39:00.001-08:00

So that’s not entirely true. Yes, I often become depressed and moody, but I am also often happy and joyful. But this is a good time to remember that blog titles are now brought to you by my iTunes on shuffle.

Ironically, I’m in a crappy mood at the moment. I try not to write when i’m in a bad mood, but it’s been long enough between entries. I can’t help that my free time today was made possible by this borderline migraine headache that kept me from work. And you can’t help it that I’m typing right after a frustrating visit to the optometrist that can’t seem to provide my updated prescription for contact lenses in a timely manner. So we’ll just attempt to move on together.

Obligatory update: not much is happening. School starts in less than two weeks, and I’m excited for that. No moving happening yet, but I’m doing my best to trust God’s timing. Work is uneventful, and i have yet to meet criteria for any jobs as an extra. So i’m stressing out a little about finances, but seeking God’s wisdom and praying for open doors of opportunity. Meanwhile, i find myself looking forward to Sunday Masquer rehearsals earlier and earlier each week. (The show is Easter weekend and the weekend after. Mark your calendars now.)

I’m really short on interesting anecdotes or uplifting stories at the moment. I leave you with things I have learned/experienced/recommend/caution against:

“Four Christmases”- cute movie, you should watch it.

Dr. Milton Hom in Azusa is the optometrist that you should avoid.

Ministry is no place for your pride or need to control things. Especially children’s ministry.

Friends who sympathize then urge you to move on and stop wallowing in your bad mood are a treasure.

Now I feel like a fortune cookie. I’m taking that as a cue to finish up. Feel free to leave tidings of comfort and joy.

calculation

2010-01-16T16:08:00.001-08:00

See, i’m being consistent. Today’s title is brought to you by “The Calculation” by Regina Spektor.

I started writing this a week ago, but got busy/lazy (there’s a fine line). Today is Saturday. It might be my last free Saturday for awhile, so I’ve tried to relax. I might have been too successful, as I have achieved that moment where boredom and laziness meet. You might remember the experience as a child, where you couldn’t think of a single thing to do that sounded remotely appealing.

My notes from the beginning of this entry a week ago were “last night, bike, coming week plans”. Let’s address them, shall we?

“last night”- This really means last Friday night, which was fantastically fun in many ways. I ditched Friday night traffic from work at the OC office to home in Azusa in favor of hanging out with a couple friends in that area. (Last night’s hellish hour-and-a-half crawl home confirmed that this was indeed a good decision.) The evening began with tuna melts, rock band, and general quality conversation. It ended at the beach, which is never a bad decision. I laid on the sand between two dear friends, listening to the waves keep rhythm as seals sang in the distance. Up above, stars danced between constellations. These are happy moments that I save to relive when things get bad.

“bike”- There’s a bicycle in the garage leftover from Soph’s stepdad’s sister. I rode it the other day, and it was crazy fun. However, I have been too lazy/busy to ride it since. Though i’m considering taking it out in a minute to enjoy the exercise before the week-long rain begins.

“coming week plans”- eh, this wasn’t too exciting. I worked. I did register to do extra work with Central Casting, and will try to make that happen at the end of next week. I’m back and forth between Glendale and Orange County as the January-month-of-transition continues. Oh, and rehearsals for the Masquer Easter show start tomorrow, so woot.

So I will leave you with a short devotional thing I wrote for my parents’ church in Ohio. Enjoy:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.”
-Proverbs 3:5-6

It’s that time again. Every so often, life seems to turn upside down. There are changes, decisions, and questions. It would all be so much simpler if God’s will were easier to understand. I’ve begged and pleaded for it all- a divine billboard, a heavenly roadmap, or some kind of meeting where God and I could sit down and discuss strategy. Instead, He hands me a jigsaw puzzle.
You don’t complete an entire puzzle at once, but piece by piece. You examine each part and focus on one area at a time. The edge pieces create the frame, while similar colors fit together. The top of the box acts as a reference, showing the whole picture and the final goal. And God works like that, too. He doesn’t give us a cross-country map, but step-by-step instructions. Sometimes He shows us the big picture, and other times, just enough so we know what to do with the pieces in our hand.
Remember Moses? If God showed him the big picture, Moses would never have known how to go from baby-sitting sheep in the wilderness to leading a nation to the promised land. Yet, his shepherd skills trained him to baby-sit the Israelite “sheep” wandering the desert all those years. God’s perfect method guided Moses from a burning bush to negotiating with Pharaoh, and all the way to the revealing of His glory.
My favorite part of a jigsaw puzzle is fitting the last piece in place and marveling at the completed picture. How much more amazing is each step of God’s journey when we’ve arrived at His big picture destination?

no place to hide

2010-01-07T22:43:00.001-08:00

What if all my entries were titled after the song I listened to while writing? Today’s would be “No Place to Hide” by Alison Krauss and Union Station. Perhaps I shall try that. As a bonus, you can youtube the song and listen while reading to enhance your experience.

Or not.

So it’s 2010… and I’m going to pass on the resolutions this year. Let’s review last year’s, shall we?

2009 Goals: a progress report

1. Learn to play the piano. (did one online lesson, got too busy)
2. Develop daily and weekly habits of exercise, journaling, devotions, and creativity. This includes resuming tennis, guitar-playing, and yoga. (epic fail)
3. Find a way that my job is satisfying, therefore bringing in necessary money while not wasting precious moments of life on crap that doesn't matter. (this spills into 2010, as you’ve been reading)
4. Eat more salad. (I believe I’m eating the same amount of salad as 2008…)
5. Write a devotional. (started, but not substantial. will continue when life is less crazy.)
6. Pay off student loans by developing video game- or at least making major progress on the project. (gave up. i lack the skills and resources to make this happen. it looks great in my head, though. if anyone has skills/resources and wants to talk, let me know)
7. Beat the original Mario Bros. NES game. (success!!)
8. Fall in love (will need some assistance here). (epic fail. but that’s not my fault.)
9. Increase and improve drama ministry. (well, I joined Masquer and still did a couple of pieces at Calvary. I say, epic win!)
10. Do more for other people- more volunteer service time. (this actually kind of decreased. eek).

So I’m not ready to neglect the unfinished goals, but they are on the backburner to make room for “Operation Torrance”. I’m pretty wiped out trying to handle all the details of this transition as it is. But the point of resolutions/goals is just to spend your time productively and positively- which is what I am doing.

So, ya wanna know the status of all the changes? Here it goes:

I have transferred from the radio station’s Glendale office to our Orange County office, and am now a promotion’s assistant. While this means a cut in pay and hours, it’s doable (and it’s a JOB that I HAVE- the whole “bird in the hand is better than two in the bush” kind of thing).

This morning ended a long search for my social security card and other forms of i.d., the absence of which was preventing me from seeking a second job (you need these for the I-9 form in order to be hired in the U.S. See, working for human resources was not totally a lost cause. ;) ). I fully intend to register for work as a background extra within the next week. That should patch the holes in my financial plan, and i’ll be off and running.

As for school…. all the classes for the January term were full, so I’ll start the spring semester mid-February. This is fine, since we’re still working out the details of moving, and it’s saves me a crazy long commute in the mean time (ironically, the commute to the OC office from my current home is exactly the same as to my previous office…). Working less hours makes the budget tight, but it gives me an opportunity to handle these and other necessary details. Today’s day off allowed me to search our storage unit for my social security card and reorganize it so that things are accessible. I also had an eye appointment to take advantage of the remaining weeks of health insurance, and did three loads of laundry. Oh, and there was also a nap. :)

So I leave you with a poem/lyrics I wrote from my window-less desk a couple months ago, that I found today while cleaning. I’m not as depressed as it makes me sound…. and that’s partially because I’m still moving forward from the rut I was in when I penned the words….

other people’s songs inspire me to write
other people’s wrongs urge me to the the fight
someone else’s melody prompts my heart to sing
something has occurred to me- i’ve lost all my own things

do empty hands mean empty heart?
i have no words, there’s no more art
it used to flow from deep inside
i fear something in my soul has died

clean paper calls my name, aching for the words
every day the same- i’ve got only what i’ve heard
if their music calls to me, wakes my quiet heart
that’s the place where hope could be, waiting in the dark

do empty hands mean empty heart?
where are my words, please find my art
it used to flow from deep inside
please resurrect the me that died

songs and pictures, story lines
words and music, colors bright
locked away- but they’re still mine
help me bring them to the light

please fill my hands and fill my heart
with all the words and songs and art
let it flow from deep inside
so then i’ll know my soul’s alive.

tales from Christmas ambition

2009-12-17T16:44:00.000-08:00

Question for bloggers who are also active on facebook/twitter: Do you feel like you have less to say in this forum after you've written there? Please discuss. 'Cause I kind of do.

I write this in my office at work, because my task list is complete for the day and there are 45 minutes remaining until my freedom. I have a self-induced headache from too many hours in front of the computer monitor and too much sugar in the form of Christmas goodies.

Tonight will be filled with more Christmas gift assembling. Homemade gifts are fun and endearing, but I'm running out of time. I don't want to rush and produce mediocre crafts just so someone has something to unwrap... i want to give something that will be meaningful. I AM proud to report that all items for far-away-folks have been shipped to arrive on time for Christmas. * curtsies *

Here's the "Operation Torrance" update for those who are wondering:

My last day in this office is January 4th. I start classes on the 6th. However, I won't know which classes until my registration appointment on Monday evening. I'm praying that the classes I need are available.
Once I get my school schedule, I will confirm my work schedule.
Once I confirm my work schedule, I will register for work as an extra with central casting.
And once all sources of income are securely in place, I will be able to move.

At least that's the current plan. If God shakes things up, it might change.... but for the better. I'm trying really hard not to stress out with so many loose ends fluttering in the breeze. And holiday busyness adds to the chaos.

Which reminds me- there's some Christmas cards I should be signing right now.....

me vs. lexus, round 2

2009-12-04T14:00:00.001-08:00

Traffic in the morning is inevitable. Most of us are prepared with favorite cd’s or radio programs, or car-tasks like breakfast or applying make-up. Most of us just chill; we know there will be slow traffic and we’re prepared to be on the freeway for a pretty long time. You can only go as fast as the person in front of you, after all.

Most of us.

Then there are the others, who think that perhaps today will be different than any other day. They imagine themselves beating the system and arriving to their location in a magically timely manner. Perhaps they envision their vehicle as a helicopter, or at least a motorcycle. Traffic laws and common sense do not apply to this group.

One member of this group drove a maroon Lexus SUV. They ignored the solid lines of safety to abruptly exit the carpool lane and cut me, calm, law-abiding citizen, off. Then they proceeded to do the same to others, weaving in and out of various lanes in a twisted game of leap frog (or maybe frogger?), racing to get through the 210 parking lot before the rest of us. I watched and mumbled words of annoyance, then returned to applying eye shadow to the tunes of Air1.

A few miles down the road, traffic slowed even more. The cause? One maroon Lexus SUV pulled to the left shoulder of the carpool lane by a motorcycle cop. I almost rolled down my window to shout words of thanks to the officer.

I believe justice has been properly served.

me vs. the dark side

2009-11-28T22:51:00.001-08:00

Life is racing by in a blur, and i’m not stopping much, really. Even my fun times are scheduled and my thoughts are often on the “next item on the list” instead of fully enjoying the current moment.

This has its perks, of course. The chemicals in my bipolar brain have set the dial to “depressive”. However, when I’m focused on tasks, I don’t have time to wallow in illogical emotion. While i’m not sure this is completely healthy, it’s a system that is currently working. I’ll stick with it for now.

Also, this time of year helps. I know the holidays trigger depression in some people, but I’m thankful not to be among them. The lights, music, and gatherings of friends and family give me something to happily anticipate. This is a good mood-lifter.

As is gift-giving. Truly, one of the best “cures” for depression is to quit thinking about yourself. Help someone in need or do something for someone you love, and your mood will be lighter. So thinking of, shopping for, and creating Christmas gifts makes my heart happier.

I also pull out the year-round mini-therapies…. singing while doing chores, silly websites like mylifeisaverage.com, spontaneous art projects at work, and of course, praise and worship. All of these things help, but the irrational melancholy seeps back in when i find myself in a quiet moment. The darkness is never completely gone.

So I push through the deadlines and projects…. some fun, some exciting, and some just necessary. Work is quite busy, the Masquer Christmas show opens Friday, and I’m still working on “Operation Torrance” and securing details like a class schedule and job necessities. Once the financial stuff is solid, then serious apartment-hunting can happen, and then there will be the joy of moving…..

I’ll still put a smile on my face. Misery might love company, but company is usually repulsed by misery. I remind myself that this sadness is “not real” and will pass. I focus on the greater truths and purposely look for joy.

But sometimes, i get weary of fighting the dark. So if you think about it, I could probably use a hug.

proof of my immaturity

2009-11-21T22:56:00.001-08:00

At the end of the day on Friday, my sense of humor is hardly at its peak. My eyes and brain have glazed over from eight hours in front of a computer, and the thought of sitting in my car for an hour and a half does little to revive me. But i drag myself to the fifth floor of the parking garage knowing that each step is one step closer to home and away from the office.

But this particular Friday presented a surprise bonus. I had the privilege of using my fried brain for creative problem-solving in order to continue my homeward quest.

Pardon the darkness. I just had my cell phone in the parking garage. I did think this would better illustrate my dilemma than a written description. Also, you can’t claim I’m being overly dramatic… the space between our cars was barely wide enough for a person, let alone for a door to open. Also, in the background, you can see all the other empty spaces.

After climbing in my passenger side, I also snagged this photographic proof that the closeness was due to the Lexus SUV’s position, not my careful navigation into my own space.

After this, the next logical, calm, rational step was to drive away. And i almost did. But the irritated-at-coworkers-all-day, creative-thinking-spontaneous-child in me shouted loudly, “LEAVE A NOTE ON THEIR WINDSHIELD!”

And write I did:

Dear person who parked so close to me I had to climb in my passenger side-

I’m sure you were in a hurry and not a single other available space would do. and I understand that your decision to purchase such a large vehicle is now burdened with these pesky yellow lines that hinder your parking freedom. However, I did not receive the memo that I should refrain from wearing a skirt for easier access to my own compact car. Whew! Can you imagine if I had an SUV, too? The car-entry acrobatics would be worthy of Cirque du Soleil. Instead, I am leaving this reminder in hopes that your next ~~victim~~ parking-space-buddy has better luck.'

Have a great weekend! Enjoy your commute!

Sincerely, Barely-Squeezed-Into-My-Cavalier

Perhaps I could’ve just let it go.

But I, for one, felt better.

revealed

2009-11-07T09:20:00.001-08:00

I almost did a mini-entry the other day, but thought it too short and rather silly. Something reminded me of my days in Kentucky. I used to hike in a little park near my aunt’s house (Yellow Creek? Yellow something….). After winding through wooded trails and chilling by a frog pond, I always ended up at a covered wooden bridge. Then I would lean over the rails and spit into the creek below (lady-like, eh?). I imagined that a little bit of my dna would mix into the water, and a little piece of me would be flowing downstream. When the stream’s water nourished the grass and flowers growing on its banks, a little piece of me would grow into the plants. And even when i left Kentucky, a part me would be left behind.

i realize how ridiculous this is, but it IS slightly poetic, yeah? Sadly, i think they “developed” part of that area anyway.

So i suppose it’s time to reveal the super-secret project. i intended to wait until everything was definite, but that could take a good deal more time. So take it all with a grain of salt and be prepared for the possibility that it still might not happen the way we imagine, ok?

It’s no secret that i’m burned out at work, that i hate (despise, loathe, etc) the daily commute, and student loan debt has imprisoned me in a life of “adulthood”. While i’m quite adept at complaining about these circumstances, the only way to escape is to actually DO something about it. From this was born the super-secret plan.

I am going back to school in January. El Camino College in Torrance has a pretty good film program. And since it’s a community college, it’s affordable and won’t require additional student loans. After being out of school (and the film industry) since 2005, it’s pretty impossible for me to get an entry-level job in production. The next step would be an internship, but those don’t pay anything (and i enjoy luxuries like shelter, food, and clothing. and my cell phone.). So returning to school will increase my skills and qualify me for a job in the field I’ve been working toward since i moved out here. And that’s my ticket out of my current growth-lacking career situation.

Of course, there are no night/online courses in this program. This means I will need a different job that accommodates a part-time class schedule. Also, Torrance is quite a commute- something I am also trying to eliminate. This brings us to the next step in no-longer-super-secret plan.

Torrance is desirable for a few reasons.
1) It is near the ocean. As in, right there.
2) There are production companies in the south bay area, so when it is time to look for work, I won’t have to worry about relocating again.
3) It’s between L.A. and Orange County, so it’s centrally located but not too suburban. I really like the area.
4) It will still allow me to be part of Masquer, my church in El Monte, and Sophia’s awesome family.
5) I already know a group of people who live around there.
6) It is near the ocean. As in, right there.

So I am currently looking for a job near Torrance that has a school-friendly schedule and pays enough for me to live. If you have any leads, please let me know. After the job is secured, the next step will be securing living arrangements. I already have some ideas on that, but am trying not to get ahead of myself.

The beauty of the school plan is that my loan payments are deferred while i’m enrolled at least part-time. So i’ll actually be a little more financially stable and able to pay rent. While I love Soph’s mom and stepdad dearly, I miss being able to completely support myself.

Of course, there is the risk of counting proverbial chickens before they hatch. There are a lot of “if’s” involved….
IF i am able to get into the classes i need.
IF i find a suitable job.
IF living arrangements come together.
and so on…..

But I am really seeking the Lord’s guidance on the matter. I truly feel that He has guided me this far and opened all the doors that lead to here. I have a peace about it, and it all seems similar to the spring of 2003 when I took the leap of faith and applied to APU from my dorm room in Kentucky. It wasn’t until I boarded the west-bound plane that it actually felt like solid reality. Sometimes it’s dangerous to have expectations. It leaves you too vulnerable to disappointment.

Maybe i’m a gypsy- a nomad who has to pack up and move every so many years. Maybe i’m an artist, bound to the dreams that fuel my spirit. Or maybe i’m another example of our generation’s stereotype- never satisfied and too pampered to accept the realities and responsibilities of adulthood in a cubicle. Then again, maybe the Lord uses dissatisfaction to shatter complacency and keep me moving through His path to His purposes.

P.S. i haven’t mentioned too much of this at work…. i’d rather have a job lined up before i put this one at risk (i like and need my paycheck). So work-buddies, can we keep that in mind? Thanks. :)

today counted

2009-10-20T23:18:00.001-07:00

Sometimes… ok, most days….. i must make sure my day was worthwhile before i go to sleep at night. My tummy ties itself in knots with regret if i just wasted a good twenty hours sitting in front of a computer, commuting, and other mindlessness. i know it seems silly and melodramatic, but life is too short and precious to let even a day go without at least one significant moment. I sincerely believe that with every ounce of my heart.

The hope contained in super-secret-project seems to be a figurative lifeline from the soul-killing days in my windowless office. Also, combined with focus on the Lord and mass amounts of creativity, I continue to dwell in the happy, balanced, in-between place between mania and depression. And the villagers rejoiced.

I used to keep a journal of happy thoughts. In a spiral notebook with a tie-dye cover, I would write down everything good that happened in a day. It would remind me of the little festive things we tend to forget soon after they occur. It also helped me maintain perspective when the depression got out of hand. I recommend this practice to every single person on the planet.

Remember when my little sister, Claudia, was super young and she would count up the good and bad things at the end of the day before declaring what kind of day it was? She’s proof that awesomeness is something with which you’re born, I think.

A co-worker recently encouraged me to read “Living Artfully” by Sandra Magsamen. The premise is being creative in our daily lives, and using that creativity to bless others. Honestly, it’s kind of preaching to the choir. But it does provide some fun new project ideas and reminds me to take note of the artful ways I live.

So I went to sleep peacefully last night because yesterday counted. I was super productive and was satisfied on the progress made on the the to-do list. I spent my lunch break recycling the office cans for causes, and God used me (well, my phone) to aid in an emergency (such a privilege to be His hands and feet!!). And i was artful when I tried a new recipe for peanut butter banana muffins… bonus points for successfully baking.

Today counted, too. I shared some of the muffins and everyone survived. I spent lunch break with my friend, Dea, on my first geocache mission. My boss surprised us by providing a very yummy lunch…. and bringing in cornbread. I listened to new music- the New Moon soundtrack- during the evening commute. Then I showed Sophia how to do geocaching on a late night mission.

Tomorrow has promise of counting as well. A second geocache mission is planned. There are special guests visiting the station. And in the evening, I’ll have a chance to work on some church projects.

Life may not be all sunshine and lollipops, but i’m sure doing everything i can to make the best of it.

golden days

2009-10-10T21:30:00.001-07:00

i got a lot done today. i did my share of the house cleaning, made copies at Staples, and obtained needed items from CVS and the 99-cent store. i was supposed to walk in a parade and help with a booth at the city Golden Days festival, but those services ended up being unnecessary. Oh, and I finished a novel this morning (“Dancing with Butterflies” by Reyna Grande, if you’re wondering. And no, it wasn’t that good.).

I’m starting to get sleepy, but determined to stay awake to see Regina Spektor on SNL. I contemplated a nap, but once I’m out, i’m done for the day. It’s these special moments that make me wish I better tolerated caffeine.

I wish I had something deep and meaningful to say. Remember when I mentioned big changes in October? I’m working on a super-secret project that I’m not quite ready to share yet. I’m not trying to be dramatic, but it’s sort of like when you take your driver’s test. I’m not sure it’s going to work out, and I don’t want to have to announce my failure to the world.

Other current projects vying for my time and energy: beginning rehearsal for “Home for Christmas” (Masquer), putting together a stage adaptation of “The Creation” by James Weldon Johnson (church drama ministry… and yes, that’s the Mr. Perry piece), helping prep for Kids Kingdom events, like the Harvest Fest and Disciple Awards, and thinking about Christmas projects (creativity takes time).

Upcoming events: Disneyland for Sophia’s birthday and Regina Spektor at the Greek.

I'm coming down from a manic period, and dwell in that comfortable in-between time that resembles normalcy. Unfortunately, this means that depression is headed my way. I’m doing everything I can to postpone, manage, or even avoid it all together (i can dream), and creativity is often helpful…. in addition to prayer, reading the Word often, and surrounding myself with encouraging friends. But as always, I worry that the black cloud of depression will drive said friends to annoyance or energy drain.

And on that happy note, i think I’m going to watch “A Mighty Wind” until it’s time for everyone’s favorite weekend sketch comedy.

new beginnings

2009-10-03T21:36:00.001-07:00

Oh, October. I vowed you would be a significant month. And you still have potential, despite my dissatisfaction.

September ended pretty well. The show was fabulous, though over so quickly after only one night’s performance. Rehearsal for the next show (I’ll Be Home for Christmas) starts tomorrow. And i’m working on a piece for church as well. So yay for the theatrical portion of my existence.

On the health front, this is supposed to be my month of increased exercise. Thus far, it has been the month of fail. I’m not ready to give up after only three days, but i need some serious help. I seriously attempted to wake up at 5:30am to start my day positively. However, I positively turned off my alarm and overslept. The world might as well face the fact that I am not and cannot possibly ever be a morning person. My next plan of attack was to do something exercise-y in the evenings after work. Unfortunately, the hour spent in traffic zapped any remaining energy and motivation, and my only activity involved repetitions of raising the remote to the tv to turn the channel. I have a couple fitness dvd’s with fifteen-minute workouts, but no space in my room to try them. I also have a fitness ball, though it’s only good for super-short stretches before my back really hurts (there’s irony. My back problems stem from too much sitting time and too much driving. you think any activity would be an improvement). My tennis buddy and i can’t seem to coordinate our schedules. Taking a walk after dark seems a bad idea by myself, but Sophia’s my only local friend and her ankle is still recovering from the accident. None of these things are valid excuses, I could be creative and find SOME way, even if i got on the floor right now and did crunches. This are just all the obstacles I’m encountering. And not a single calorie is burned trying to get around them.

In the meantime, I am trying to continue the theme of less complaining and more proactivity. I hesitate to lay out every detail in the process, because i’m really not so confident in their direction so far. But i am happy to report I’ve put in some applications and have a tentative goal in mind- God approving, of course.

slow

2009-09-22T15:41:00.001-07:00

I walked through twenty-one days without meat, sugar, dairy (minus protein-filled cheese), and fried food- but full of prayer and God-focus. It also began as a respectful demand for answers. It's no secret that my current life-situation has many imperfections, and I wanted to be proactive but still in-line with God's will.

Perhaps I fell for the misconception that if we do what God wants, He'll give us what we want. After all, it works that way with the rest of the world. Why not utilize social networking with the Most High? If God's for us, who can be against us, right? Apparently, that's not exactly how obedience works.

Remember that old song, "Trust and Obey"? I used to think it was a divine "because I said so". Just do what God says and believe it's the best, because He is good, after all. This is still true, but maybe there's another element to the process. I think perhaps we have it flipped around- it should be "Obey and Trust". Because if we are following God's instruction and direction, we know for sure we are in the right place. We also know that we'll see His promises. But this is not because we uphold our end of the bargain. Instead, it is because these instructions are the path TO the promises. Just as following assembly instructions leads to the finished product, God gives us the directions to His blessings. So the obedience makes the trusting possible.

So how does this apply to all those questions I handed God on September 1st?

Sadly, He hasn't handed me magic answers in return. And there haven't been any miraculous job offers or financial windfalls. I admit I half expected that to happen (it has for other people, so why not?). But i'm not anxious about it, either. I DO know He has it under control, and I actually trust Him that it's a good thing in perfect timing. And by "know", I really believe it- rather than just admitting it's the right answer regardless of my personal feelings. Instead of feeling the pressure to scour job listings, I cruise through them and wait patiently for the right opportunity. I'm staying in close communication with the Holy Spirit, and asking for discernment in regard to any major decisions. Instead of spending my hour-each-way in traffic desperately trying to think outside of the box for a new creative solution to all of life's obstacles, I substitute praise and worship and a lot of prayer- and listening. Just because my fast ended after 21 days, doesn't mean that answers must appear in the same time-frame.

So when I discovered my student loan payments are dramatically increasing in December, I didn't worry. And the news that the new income-based repayment plans do not apply to the majority of my loans didn't trigger a panic attack (ok, maybe a little bitterness, but i'm still a work in progress). I will still be proactive, but I realize there's not as much in my control as I'd like to believe- and that's ok. There's no use stressing over my living situation until I have another job, so my energy will be focused there instead.

Also, the fast provided an opportunity to "detox" and reset my body a little bit. I didn't crave sweets like I thought I would, but I sorely missed the protein from chicken and seafood (that's right, even deprivation doesn't make pork or beef sound the least bit tantalizing). This might be the start of new habits free of fried food or excessive sugar. And once I get the protein back into my system, I intend to up the exercise quotient very seriously. Stay tuned in October for details. :)

So it seems September's big changes were meant to lay a sturdy foundation for an improving lifestyle. I'll finish the month happily focusing on this weekend's Masquer show (see me for tickets!!), then taking a few days to rest and enjoy before kicking into high gear in October!

surrounding blur

2009-09-10T21:17:00.001-07:00

Today, i tried to describe my current state to a friend. She said it sounded like “Garden State”, where Zach Braff is medicated. This is accurate, but I’m not proud of it.

Thankfully, I’m not medicated, but I have been in the past. And this definitely feel similar- a numb feeling while the world passes by in a blur. The post-vacation buzz is definitely wearing thin, and the mind-dulling routine is taking its course. Regardless, I am doing all I can to fight through it.

The Daniel fast continues, and it’s going pretty well. Strangely, I’m not craving sweets. Though today I would’ve considered trading my birthright for Long John Silver’s. Go figure. My current revelation is that I’m pretty selfish, and might have gone into this period of prayer and fasting with pretty selfish motives. Perhaps I should simply do this to please God, and trust Him with the details of my life. While it’s easy to write that sentence in plain Christianese, actually living that attitude genuinely is a challenge. I am pretty self-absorbed- more than I realized.

In daily news, there’s really not that much to report. The fires are reaching containment, thankfully. I think the So Cal firefighters deserve a place of extreme respect right next to the men and women serving in our military….. The Masquer show is coming along, and is now at the stage of perfecting and becoming excited to perform for an audience. It does feel odd that it’s only a one-night run. Months of hard work will be complete in only a few short hours. Of course, if you don’t want to miss it, please email me asap for tickets. ;)

Today, I got my ticket for next month’s Regina Spektor concert. It’s still weird that i’m going by myself, but i’m going AND i got a great seat. So we’ll just chalk it up to liberated living and enjoy it. :)

Last night, I was asked to dance in our church Christmas performance. I said yes without even thinking. As I drove home, I thought it interesting that in less than a year, I’ve gone from feeling intimidated at the dance supply store to actually being asked to dance in front of actual, live people.

moving along- day 3

2009-09-03T13:42:00.000-07:00

A fast is just a diet unless there is prayer, Bible study, and listening for/to God as well. Now that i'm falling into the habit of this new eating style, I must move beyond my focus on the actual food. As a master of the perpetual motion of busyness, it's difficult for me to slow down, reprioritize, and pay the attention due to God.

I spent my lunch break in a little shady spot with my ipod and my Bible. After months lacking discipline, i finally finished the book of Acts. The last few chapters see Paul being captured based on false charges by the Jews , and being held by the Roman government for trial. Through circumstance and probably a bit of wisdom on Paul's part (he did used to be one of those conniving temple leaders, after all. He probably knew all the dirty tricks.), he ends up on trial before Caesar himself.

From this, i see that all of the crap Paul endured led him straight to Caesar's front door. Without threats to his life, imprisonment, and sacrifice, would he have been able to minister to the biggest decision-maker in that part of the world? We might not ever know the full extent of the impact Paul had on the Roman Empire, or what decisions and circumstances were directly impacted by his interaction with Caesar. But it is clear that every single moment was choreographed by the Almighty God for His good purposes.

Paul wasn't a super hero. He's just another guy, a Joe Schmoe from down the street- with one minor difference. He was devoted to serving God. This is a choice- not dependent on his supernatural calling, time or place of birth, a genetic predisposition, or any other pedestal we envision under his feet. This fact logically leads us to another- there's no reason our lives aren't like Paul's (minus the toga-wearing Romans, of course. Then again, maybe you have those, too). God directs our paths, orders our steps, or whatever cliche you want to choose to mean that our life circumstances have purpose. As a child of God, our existence is a blend of blessings from God to us, and from God to our brothers and sisters through us. That includes the messy stuff, too.

And on a personal note, I feel like today's message is more of a reminder than a revelation. My path has been cleared, and He's leading me through it. It's a good thing- all of it. And (this is where i often forget and most need reminded) I haven't wandered off the path, nor have i stopped moving. We're still walking forward together, and the journey's progressing on schedule.

I can't wait to see what comes next.

September- the beginning of something new (i hope)

2009-09-02T13:49:00.000-07:00

(click to enlarge, if needed)

(ten) days of claudia

2009-08-26T10:36:00.000-07:00

i do believe a trip recap is in order!

(1)
Claudia arrived in L.A. at 1:30ish in the afternoon (Friday, the 14th, if you're keeping track), after a day under Delta airlines watchful eye. i still can't believe Mom let her fly alone, but am glad she did! We celebrated her arrival by sitting in traffic for two hours..... and therefore missing the nerf war my friends were holding in Anaheim (an hour or more traffic-y hours from home). We decided to see "(500) Days of Summer" at the local movie theater instead. Verdict: good movie, but not as thrilling as the hype... typical. But the soundtrack is awesome and i'm actually listening to it right now.

(2)
The goal for the day was rest and relaxation, in true vacation fashion. After all, we had a busy week ahead! We introduced Claudia to the joys of Jamba Juice and Fresh and Easy market as we prepared for a campfire at night with some of Sophia's relatives. Browsing the 99-cent store led to the purchase of two badminton racquets, and inspired us to drag out our almost-forgotten badminton set. This led to a game that reminded us all how we lacked badminton talent.... but made up for it with our sense of humor. The night ended with everyone circled around the fire, smelling that cozy burnt smell, and eating goodies like smores and the corn on the cob that i actually made in the fire and didn't burn (i count it a culinary victory).

(3)
Sunday's still mean church and Masquer rehearsal! Claudia got to meet a zillion people, then had her first meal at Panda Express. We continued our relaxation theme by checking out the new "Reality Hell" tv show (trashy, with guilty pleasure potential), and watching "Young Frankenstein".

(4)
Our designated beach day started out with a haze that never really burned off. We tried to pass the cool morning hours at Redondo Pier, then headed down the beach for some boogie boarding and sun-bathing that would later produce the usual sunburn. Dinner at Joe's Crab Shack continued the tradition of celebrating Claudia's birthday any day of the year. She was a good sport about dressing up as a lifeguard and running around the restaurant. Pity they didn't give her a free dessert.

(5)
We stopped by my workplace to show Claudia around the radio station and introduce her to my coworkers (think she's met enough people by now?). Then we did a favor for a friend, which involved driving through Toluca Lake, past some celebrity homes. It was only fitting that we spent the afternoon walking around Hollywood (which seems like it's even more seedy/less exciting than normal.... blame the recession? or jadedness?). We both tried Beard Papa's for the first time (tasty, but way way way too sugary to really enjoy it), and Stefano's pizza place. I LOVED LOVED LOVED this little hole-in-the-wall, with inexpensive prices, pinball machines, music, comfy booths and brick walls, and GREAT TASTING slices of of pizza. It's on Hollywood Blvd, so go there. I intend to return asap.
The main event was "Legally Blonde: The Musical" at Pantages Theater. It was fun, cute, and silly, and followed the movie pretty closely. I loved the few parts with the live dogs (it could've used more of that and less of the lead actress' attempts at channeling Kristen Chenoweth's Galinda). But it was fun, and it's always a good time at Pantages. One of these days, i want season tickets....

(6)
We happily slept in after a late night, and headed to Maria's in Glendora for some authentic Mexican food, followed by Claudia's introduction to Pinkberry. You may have noticed that a lot of this trip was about showing her things So Cal has but Ohio does not. You might think I'm trying to lure her here or something. You would be correct.
She helped me prepare the evening's kid's kingdom lesson, but we ended up spending literally four times the amount of time on prep than the actual class time, due to crazy disorganization at church that night(but that's for another discussion). But first, we spent our afternoon at Golfland in El Monte, and used our arcade tickets to score plastic bling.

(7)
Knott's Berry Farm! Our longest line was for Ghostrider, only to be reminded that we don't really like jerky wooden coasters, haha. But winners included Silver Bullet, Pony Express, and Supreme Scream. Notes to remember next time: ride the raft one where you all sit in a circle instead of Perilous Plunge, as the latter has a long line for a fairly short ride that leaves you excessively wet and was not designed for those of us with long legs (my knees still have painful evidence of the screws that hold the boat together); also, Sidewinder is fun and twisty, but not quite worth the long wait.
Crazy highlight of the day: While searching for the entrance to the aforementioned Sidewinder, i stumbled across a couple park security guys. I assumed there had been an incident (fighting, line jumping, the usual), and continued my search as they told me to "keep moving along". I turned around, and was face to face with a sitting Shaquille O'Neal. In my mind i thought, "Hey, there's Shaq" and kept looking for the ride entrance (am I jaded?). Meanwhile, Soph and family were excited, and weaseled my camera out of me for pictures. I felt bad about disturbing his day with his family. Once I discovered he posted his whereabouts on Twitter, i only felt slightly intrusive. Regardless, we assumed he was sitting by the ride entrance while his family enjoyed the ride, and that they probably shut the ride down for security until they were off. We opted to hang close for a couple minutes so we could get in line as soon as they were done. A minute later, Shaq and crew headed passed us. Shaq noticed Soph's stepdad's Steelers jersey, and momentarily stopped to talk to us about a Steelers player and shake his hand.
So there you go, Claudia has a celebrity story to take back with her. And gee, that man was tall.

(8)
We meant to go to the Holocaust museum and hiking in the canyon, but thought the day would be a bit to crazy. So we just spent the day in the trees, stream, and graffiti covered rocks. And trash. Sigh. How are people so disrespectful?? We discovered a few more things that the West Fork of the San Gabriel Mountains above Azusa has to offer, and made tentative plans to camp there in the very near future. I love going up there... it's beautiful and quiet and happily nature-y. We lazily watched rented videos to finish the evening ("Push" and "Coraline", if you wondered. The first was eh, the second was cute).

(9)
Claudia's last real day. :( Sophia's family had a reunion at the park, and welcomed us, as well. So Claudia experienced the joys of taco man. :) We played volleyball and tennis, and generally enjoyed the lovely day. After a farewell jamba juice, we decorated mugs to commemorate the week.

(10)
The day began at 3:30am. Well, i say the day begins when the sun comes up, but WE began at 3:30am. By the time we reached the airport at five, it was already a zoo. Oh, LAX..... fortunately, Claudia's unaccompianed minor status sent us to the front of most of the lines. Security was reasonable (except i forgot to leave my water bottle in the car. oops), and her gate was right at the front of the terminal. The worst part was that she had to board the plane and fly away. :(

She potentially could be back as early as next summer, if that's what she wants to do. I'm still holding out for the possibility that she will attend college here. She could definitely fit in well as a California girl.

In the mean time, I am settling back into the routine of work/church/masquer and everything in between. There's a lot on my mind as I evaluate the elements of my life in some sort of quarter-life-crisis fashion. I'm ironing out the details this week, and will unveil my new plan and goals in September.

Also, my happy canyon is currently on fire, and i am most sad about it. It started burning yesterday, up the road near a dam we pass on our way to hike. Yesterday, it was a big cloud of smoke, and twenty-one hours, 820 firefighters, and 750 acres later, it is only 10% contained and blazing. Thankfully, it's wilderness burning, and not homes.... but i am sad as one of my happy places- and camping dreams- go up in literal smoke.

stalled

2009-08-12T16:34:00.000-07:00

The following is an attempt to respark creativity in order to complete the writing of a spot....

Besides, you deserve a follow-up on the car drama.

As I walked out the door, headed to the mechanic's on Tuesday morning, Soph's mom's husband's sister (yup, that complicated) said, "I'll pray for your car!" And i drove away my check-engine-lit vehicle hoping for the best.

I arrived at the shop and handed over my keys, explaining my current car ailment. The mechanic went to investigate the issue, and i settled into the lawn chair in front of the building with my book. Ten minutes later, my car arrives right in front of me. Mr. Mechanic steps out and says,

"When I got in, the check engine light went off. The computer isn't giving me any codes. I've checked everything, and nothing's wrong. There's nothing I can do for you. Take it away!" And with a smile, he returned my keys.

And it's still running smoothly. THANK GOD!! I almost couldn't believe it, due to the high level of too-good-to-be-trueness. But considering all factors, it is the beyond what I had hoped.

Meanwhile, as I have been irritated at politics lately, I've avoided the headlines. This is probably why I didn't realize that we were having a meteor shower last night. I guess that would explain the amazing shooting star i saw when i was in the backyard last week.... But on a whim, i recruited Sophia and her mom's husband's sister (ok, her name is Missy. That's less to type. But you'll have to remember who she is if i mention her again) and headed away from the city lights.... to the canyon in the mountains up the street.

Sure enough, the mountains mostly blocked out the city light, minus the pink glow over their ridges and the light of the half moon. And we weren't the only ones who thought it would make for prime meteor viewing.... each turn-off on the dark, winding mountain road was occupied by stargazers (and at least one pair of lovers, judging by the car with the fogged up windows). But luckily we found a spot of our own, and crawled on the roof of my (now perfectly functioning) car for the best view of the sky.

We saw two beautiful meteors in the first minute. After that, they were small and infrequent. Of course, there was a good bit of passing traffic headlights to distract us. Then we heard a shower of rocks falling from the mountainside next to us. We couldn't identify the source, but wondered what could be large enough to cause that much of a racket. I half-jokingly suspected mountain lion, and tried not to envision a horrible mauling and the morning's headlines about our untimely demise. Instead, we caught quick glimpses of a few more meteors before heading home an hour later. It was a work night, after all.

when did i become boring?

2009-08-10T13:21:00.000-07:00

i truly feel like i have nothing to say. Not as in "at this very moment", but this entire month. What's the point of typing random words just for the sake of saying "i blog"?

I used to have something to say. Freshly-penned song lyrics, the newest idea for the stage, a word about God's hand in my/our lives, the latest silly story.... Now it seems as if the well has dried up, leaving parched, dry stones of sameness.

I suppose I could talk about our random company holiday. The plan was a morning of car maintenance followed by an afternoon of groovy friend time. The oil change and "please check out this random noise" became "we're sorry, but you have a big problem with your brakes". This also meant double the cost, which cut into the funds for Claudia's trip. As a bonus, the whole ordeal lasted until six o'clock, preventing groovy friend time altogether. I've since dealt with the disappointment, and reminded myself that a) at least i had the money, b) there are plenty of things to do with Claudia on a budget, and c) better to discover it now than break down somewhere. All this would be more acceptable if my "check engine" light didn't come on twenty-four hours after leaving the mechanic....

At least there was Saturday- the family trip to the beach. Nothing much to report there... the usual sun, sand, and waves. At this point, uneventful is appreciated.

Sunday was happy rehearsal (i no longer believe there's such thing as a bad rehearsal), followed by a "quiet" evening at home. Too many people in one house is never dull- like it or not. I won't bore you with the unnecessarily dramatic details.

That leaves us here in the second week of August. I have decided that, no matter what happens, i love August 2009. Part of this is due to Claudia's arrival on Friday. The rest is thanks to the jumbled routine. Tomorrow, I will grudgingly use sick time to take my car back to the mechanic's (you'd think we have joint custody or something). Then i work a couple days, which should move quickly as i try to get things in order for my week off! A week filled with fun Claudia things. When I do return, it should move quickly with all the necessary catching up. Then before you know it, it will be Labor Day. See how these things work out?

And hopefully, if my dream plans work out, there shall be some life-changing in September. THAT should make for more interesting blog entries, no?

a holiday where there is none

2009-08-06T22:36:00.001-07:00

i think declaring holidays is a good idea.

i also think remembering to celebrate them regularly is swell, too.

We don’t have work tomorrow. It’s a work-wide “holiday”… a random day off as a consolation prize for the pay cuts that went into effect awhile back. This means I have a three-day weekend! :) And i am very ready for some time off. I shall spend my days getting my car repaired, relaxing and hanging out, and going to the beach.

Of course, i’ll be off early next Friday, to pick Claudia up from the airport. And i won’t work all the following week and I thoroughly enjoy every minute with my sister.

I’m feeling quite optimistic about August, so far.

We celebrated another new holiday recently. Well, sort of celebrated. My sisters and i decided to declare a holiday that only we would observe. This, being the first year, was quite low key…. and, in true-to-us fashion, will be slowly celebrated as we get around to sending things to each other. It wouldn’t be authentic if it were any other way!

i know i whine about work a lot, but it’s such a relief to not have to be there. The cliché weight is lifted from my shoulders… and i could not be more content than in a few moments, when i close my eyes and know i don’t have to get up and go back to my desk yet again. :)

collected nuggets

2009-07-25T21:52:00.000-07:00

I know. I've become a sucky blogger. But really, i'm keeping you, darling reader, from boredom and wasted time. If there were more frequent entries, you'd get all the juicy details on topics such as:

Another work day pretty much the same as the rest!

Gee, i feel like I live in my office.

Traffic: it's what we do for dinner.

Hey, FishFest today... more work, but this time in a groovy atmosphere. (and yay for overtime!)

Claudia is coming in less than three weeks. Happy.

Reason to celebrate: car paid off.

Praying that car does not break down.

Family drama (biological and adopted) that i can't post, as to not perpetuate said drama.

Masquer is still good... nothing to report yet. Except September 26th is our fundraiser dinner and it'd be cool if you came.

In a vow to exercise more, i inflated the excercise/pilates ball i have. That's pretty much as far as I've gone to use it, as I have no clue what to do with it now.

For the second night in a row, I will be going to sleep before ten.

Here's to more entertaining/informative/creative/quality entries in the near future. I love you for continuing to read this..........

put off

2009-07-13T22:27:00.000-07:00

i have a zillion things to say.

i'm also drained. Seems to be a frequent theme lately.

First, Jolie died. We don't really know why... we have a few theories about a well-hidden illness, or the giant black widow spider we found near where she slept. Maybe it was all the fireworks for the fourth that scared her into cardiac arrest. I don't know, and I never will. So i'll spend the energy trying not to dream about her or see her out of the corner of my eye. Anyone who's never loved a cat probably thinks I'm crazy or overly dramatic.

Of course, that's a possibility, too. I'm in the middle of a depressive cycle, got period hormones helping matters, and kind of stressed out about work lately. And there's lots of drama with the people I live with. I'm trying to pull out of this funk. It's only fair to everyone around me. And it's so much easier to accomplish necessary tasks when one is perky. AND Claudia will be here in a month, and I want everything to be awesome for her. That means no mental big sister. She doesn't need that, now does she?

So major thanks and kudos to those of you who don't give up on me, who stick out my drama and moods, and even offer much-needed encouragement. I don't know what i'd do without you. And i pray I don't burn you out.

Meanwhile, in case anyone is interested in the "what i'm doing lately" stuff, here's the run-down:

-Still rehearsing for upcoming Masquer fundraiser dinner (all those in So Cal are welcome to come... hehe, don't make me beg! :) )
- having fun spending some time with my friend who visits frequently from Mississippi.. this time with her lovely father and six dogs in tow... never dull! :) Animal affection always cheers me up.
- still dreaming of kicking my workplace to the curb. Though money and responsibility is necessary (and keeping me there), there has GOT to be a better way than all this drama and stress. I really don't think this was what God had in mind for our lives. Anyone want to hire a freelance writer for an extraordinary amount of money?
- I wrote some lyrics and might post them here, but i fear it's too emo.
- I got the new Regina Spektor album, and love it. However, tickets to her concert at the El Rey sold out, and a tiny little itty bitty piece of my heart broke. I'm still hoping there's some kind of miracle and someone I know has tickets/knows how to get tickets/tickets magically appear on my door step some morning. The Lord has worked many miracles of this sort in the past, perhaps He's a Regina fan, too? I have hope. That's something.

Right?

poop in a sugar cone

2009-07-01T15:51:00.000-07:00

One of the radio hosts I work with says that politics is our faith in action.

Meanwhile, Tony Campolo (and i think G.K. Chesterton) liken the mix of politics and religion to horse manure and ice cream. The horse manure isn't any worse, but it ruins the ice cream (you can decide which is which).

Shane Claiborne opts for living as separated from the government as possible in his book, "Jesus for President".

My pastor brings up controversial political subjects more frequently since the 2008 presidential campaign. He explains it is our responsibility to be a light in the world by fighting for Godly values, and that includes in the political arena.

What do I think? I find myself torn between standing up for what I know to be true, and the benefits of church and state separation. I believe in freedom, and the gift of free will.... but I also care about humanity- a collection of individual brothers and sisters- and want the peace and happiness that comes from living Godly lifestyles. How can I sleep at night if i don't do everything I can to serve God and fellow man? How can I claim to believe what the Bible says, but not reflect that with my actions or my vote? Wouldn't that make me a hypocrite? How do you balance letting a person live their own life before it becomes a lack of caring or concern? Because "love your neighbor" seems like you should have at least a drop of compassion for their well-being- and that includes their soul.

Until then, i will try to live my faith instead of simply giving lip service to ideals. My actions should be speaking louder than my words. I'm still wary of the greed and manipulation of politics, and the hazard of biased media and incomplete facts.

It's all a work in progress.

antisocial

2009-06-22T22:09:00.001-07:00

There are a ton of people at our house, celebrating Father’s Day, a cousin turning three, and a sister in from out of town. A minute ago, i had to usher a group of kids out of my room. While I didn’t mind the high-schoolers using my computer briefly, i could do without the middle-schoolers eating chocolate cake on my bed spread and pre-schoolers grabbing anything they could reach to use as a toy.

I could try to describe the convoluted family tree, which includes my roommate’s extended family, her stepdad’s relatives, and beyond…. but it’s entirely confusing and not worth the hassle. While I am always blessed to be considered part of the family, selfishly, i am a bit sad to see my weekend already over. Most of yesterday was spent getting ready for today, and though there were many fun moments, i’m restricted in my activities. I feel rude not helping more (and will likely soon venture out of my sanctuary to gather discarded napkins and salvage recyclables). But at the same time…. unlike many here, i have a job that sucks up my week. Weekends are my only chance to do my own stuff. And next week is another family birthday party, so we might as well copy and paste this entry again seven days from now.

I suppose it’s pathetic to continue whining over this living situation. i SHOULD be counting my blessings

*********************

The next day…..

My writing was interrupted by a call to help clean, as predicted. This was followed by conversation in the backyard, and a good night’s sleep. When I re-read the previous paragraphs, i feel selfish, rude, and whiny (despite any elements of truth that are also included). The big picture includes good times with precious people, and every moment can’t be a picnic. It just doesn’t work that way. I am VERY, VERY blessed, and i have no right to ever forget that.

i have absolutely nothing to say

2009-06-13T22:28:00.001-07:00

Isn’t this the stereotypical description of a blogger? Feeling all self-important for having a blog and writing with nothing of importance to say? Phenomenal.

I’m bored and irritated, and there is very little i’m in the mood to do. And a night with time to do anything i darn well feel like doing has been on my wish list for awhile. In fact, i purposely wrote “PLAN NOTHING” on both my large desk calendar and pocket planner. And the lazy day started quite well. I slept in. I did my chores when I got around to them. i ate when i felt hungry instead of when i needed something to lift my spirits or avoid something i didn’t want to do. There was even a casual wal*mart trip for essentials like deodorant and cat food (and non-essentials, like beads and body spray).

So when was the mood-killing crankiness birthed? Perhaps it was the moment that Sophia and I couldn’t decide which movie to see (who in America DOESN’T want to see “Up”?? i thought for sure that’d be a winner….). Or maybe it was my stupid decision to open my mouth and confess that i didn’t care about Jennifer Aniston’s love life? The beginning doesn’t matter as much as the end result- a fight and cancelled plans, leaving Saturday night devoid of both plans and the motivation to enjoy it (and i refuse to go into details about the argument, out of respect for my roommate).

i explored my options… nintendo, beading or other craftiness, painting, guitar-playing, reading, journaling….. but declined so not to create unoriginal emo-art of any sort. I settled on watching E! (perhaps some kind of pop-culture penance for the previously-mentioned Aniston gaffe?), but Chelsea Handler and Joel McHale did not satisfy the companionship i sought. And i ended up here, online, again.

Perk: chatting with a friend. :) Non-perk (what IS the opposite of perk?): discovering creepy website, lookupanyone-dot-com (i do NOT want to promote them). With just my first and last name (available to anyone any shred of search skills) and forty bucks, you can find a list of places i’ve lived (down to the “hometown” i’ve never actually lived in- people, i’ve moved more than ten times!), and relatives… they even have my grandmother’s name, and my mom and sister’s middle name. While I know the internet is one worldwide bulletin board, this just irritated me and creeped me out.

Where does that leave me? Still cranky and unmotivated, too early to sleep but too late to do anything, and one random blog entry.

step aside, tina fey

2009-06-09T21:45:00.001-07:00

Time for another weekend update….

On Saturday, I had the opportunity to go hang out with my friend Jen, and her husband, Bob. They had flown all the way from the midwest to San Diego, so it only seemed fair for me to drive a mere couple hours south, right? y l

Not that San Diego is a horrible place to spend a Saturday. Bob and Jen were staying right near Seaport Village, a little tourist-y shopping area that I had yet to check out. They introduced me to a little restaurant on the water, but sadly there was little time to check out the shopping (which simply means I’ll have to return. pity.). But it was fantastic to visit with them! Jen belongs on my list of people-i-wish-i-could-spend-time-with-regularly.

Since I was in the vicinity, I also spent time with my friend Shelly. We randomly went to the San Diego zoo for the afternoon. Shelly used to work with me, and i’ve really missed her since she moved. So the combination of hanging out with her plus checking out the animals and zoo stuff was fantastic.

My little independent day trip was just happy. :)

But if that wasn’t enough to make for a good, high quality weekend…. rehearsal began for the next Masquer show the very next day! The cast reassembled (well, some of us) for more of a meeting than rehearsal. The Godspell-in-Texas production has been indefinitely postponed, and we will be doing a fundraiser dinner in September. While everyone (and hopefully some of you, hint, hint ;) ) is eating, we’ll be performing scenes from past and future productions.

After rehearsal, it was back to Sara and Ryan’s for dinner with everyone. It’s always good to be among amazing friends. Masquer time is just happy….

So after such a blissfully wonderful weekend, how could a wave of depression hit so hard? Why do i operate like this? I try to remind myself that it’s just brain chemicals gone askew, but that only goes so far to not feel like the world is caving in. I can ignore it and act like everything is normal- to a point. i’m still incredibly irritable at work, i still lack the desire to do anything (including the chest-high pile of laundry in my closet….. as long as i still have SOMEthing to wear, right?). Part of me wants to push to get out of the funk, while the rest of me knows it’s almost futile to try to force it to pass more quickly. The only solution i’ve found is a balance between laying in bed staring at the ceiling and forced acts of normalcy. Thank goodness for those theatrical skills. i’ll just act like i feel ok, until eventually i do.

But for tonight, i’ll listen to my melancholy playlist until i fall asleep.

am i missing it?

2009-06-03T14:36:00.000-07:00

Supposedly, it's storming. This is the view from my office:

i was happy to take the mail down to the mailbox to see for myself what kind of weather was actually happening. Sure enough, rain (no sign of thunder or lightning). I took a deep breath to enjoy that cool, dampness... and got a big gulp of secondhand cigarette smoke. I fully support any measures to ban smoking in public places. I'm sorry if you smokers think I'm infringing on your rights, but you're infringing on MY right to oxygen.

Meanwhile, this weekend was pretty darn amazing:

Friday night- pay day! Translation: finally able to go to Target for groceries and necessities! Woot! To celebrate, Sophia introduced me to Chipotle. Which I liked, but perhaps the hype was more than necessary, since I wasn't wowed. At the end of the night, before bed, i mentioned to Sophia how much fun I had, and asked if she did, too. She said buying things she needs wasn't fun, but buying what we WANT. That struck me as interesting, because I wanted what I needed.

Saturday- HIKING! I happily anticipated this excursion for weeks. I hadn't been hiking since I moved here in 2003. To add to the tragic irony, I live five minutes from mountains with fantastic hiking trails. But until this weekend, I had no hiking buddies to ensure i wouldn't make headline news by getting lost. And it was an amazing day. The trip was challenging, but just enough so it was still very fun. I'm still getting to know the people I went with, so it was nice to spend time with good company. Beautiful scenery, fresh air, out of the city noise and craziness, no cell phones..... happy. We crossed streams (well, one stream multiple times) and enjoyed woods-y shade, walked over rocks in the sun, and took desert-like paths with plants that speared you if you weren't careful. Our destination was 4.5 miles in, a bridge that was once a work project in the thirties. Anything resembling "road" had long since been washed out by floods, and the project was abandoned before they got to the next important step- blasting through the mountain to give the bridge a destination. So now it is aptly named "Bridge to Nowhere" and serves as a bungee jump site. Check out my pics (there's a link off to the left side here labeled "my pics") for the incredible views!

Sunday- church in the morning, a quick spurt of house cleaning, then I got to hang out with my friend, Corina. It's rare for our schedules to match, so to celebrate, we explored and found the one Sonic in our area! Something else I've missed since 2003.... ocean water slushies! When I returned home, I discovered family gathering for a campfire in the backyard. Hot dog and marshmallow roasting were made complete with stories. Even Jolie came to sit on my lap and purr.

Is it any wonder I live for weekends?