Life in Seasons

Last year, I had to re-learn how to live.

Life’s craziness collided with bipolar’s craziness, and it was too much to handle. While the grace of God and loving friends/family carried me through, recovery was far from simple. Piece by piece, I needed to remember the value of each day, something I managed to lose somewhere along the way. I started keeping a journal to record moments I'm glad I didn't miss. Through this process, I discovered the value of living with the seasons.

It kind of starts in September. The summer sun is still shining, but you know the school year began because things aren’t so crowded during the week days. The mall is not crawling with jr. highers, the beach is down to a reasonable population, and even Target is reduced to the typical bunch of old ladies and moms with toddlers. I realize I sound elderly myself, but now that I’ve experienced the amazingness of a non-traditional schedule, I never want to go back to a 9-to-5 cubicle. But, I’m getting off-track.

October: Proclamations of “I can't believe it’s so warm!” and “How strange! It’s supposed to be fall!” lead me to believe that many Southern Californians suffer from weather-related amnesia. People, it is ALWAYS hot in October. Every year. In fact, that’s one of the many reasons I moved here. Meanwhile, watching the rest of the country enjoy autumn through television and facebook newsfeeds produces a tiny bit of wistfulness. But, never fear! I found a solution!

I appeal to the senses and savor seasonal moments. Currently, it’s the “autumn leaves and spice” Febreze alternated with another natural candle scent. I bought apple cider yesterday, am making apple dumplings today, and will enjoy a caramel apple with a scary movie in a couple of weeks (gotta pace ourselves). I found an air freshener that smelled all fall-like in Bath and Body Works, but now my car sort of smells like candy… we'll pretend it’s in honor of trick-or-treat and keeping with the theme.

November and December, of course, have their own bundle of seasonal fun...  Cooler temperatures, warmer clothes, holiday food and the smell of warm cinnamon….  It would take pages and pages to describe all of this. Then, January, February, March, so on… they all have their seasonal treasures.

The facts are these:
All of these are superficial, small things. But, they keep me in the moment. The aromas, weather patterns, and tastes aren't available all year, so it’s important to savor them while they're here. It’s that act of cherishing that makes it special, and the specialness makes the moment matter.

All of it is just tangible reminders of the stuff that’s really precious about the seasons. That caramel apple and scary movie will be with close friends- kind of like caramel apples and scary movies in past autumns. The cinnamon smell is warm and cozy, like dark winter nights curled up on the couch in a living room lit by Christmas lights on the tree, with people you love nearby.

Life can be crazy overwhelming, but days are manageable and minutes are easy. I had to re-learn how to live, and I now embrace the moments, season by season.

Have you ever been to Paris?

I read this poem once:

Fearing Paris

Suppose that what you fear

could be trapped,

and held in Paris.

Then you would have

the courage to go

everywhere in the world.

All the directions of the compass

open to you,

except the degrees east or west

of true north

that lead to Paris.

Still, you wouldn't dare

put your toes

smack dab on the city limit line.

You're not really willing

to stand on a mountainside

miles away,

and watch the Paris lights

come up at night.

Just to be on the safe side

you decide to stay completely

out of France.

But then danger

seems too close

even to those boundaries,

and you feel

the timid part of you

covering the whole globe again.

You need the kind of friend

who learns your secret and says,

"See Paris first". 

~~Marsha Truman Cooper~~

What’s in Paris? And who is your friend? 

An open letter to celebrities on Twitter

Dear well-known folks on Twitter;

I have a few thoughts that will require more than 140 characters to express. Twitter has grown from novelty to general fun to powerful marketing tool. For many actors, musicians, comedians, and other artists, this now presents direct access to fans in a manageable way. Ironically, something as simple as posting brief status updates is a little more complicated when we look a little longer than the time it takes to quickly scan our Twitter feed.

It only takes a moment to post a note about your day- something you saw, a quick photo taken by your iphone- and suddenly, tens of thousands of followers have a glance into your personal life. This can actually be great marketing in itself. If we’re a little bit invested into a person, we are more likely to pay attention to their work. For instance, I always thought kindly of Ashley Judd, especially since my Kentucky Mamaw also sang high praises of their whole family. Now, after following her on Twitter and learning how much action she puts into her beliefs, I notice when she has a new movie or television show.

But, I can’t help but wonder if this creates the same effect that radio personalities experience. Day after day, a listener spends time with their “radio friend” in the car and at home. After a while, the person on air becomes familiar. It almost seems like they are someone the listener personally knows. This, of course, can blur the lines of reality and, in extreme cases, cause issues with boundary-challenged fans. It’s easy to share anything on Twitter, and it’s easy to forget what it means to have thousands of individuals reading your personal thoughts. Is it easy to forget the line between private and public life?

I know that, as one person, my opinion matters little. However, I suspect that, though I am but one person, this opinion is shared by many others. With that in mind, might I point out a few things that would make you, the celebrity, better at Twitter?

1. Connecting with your followers in this format is a fantastic way to strengthen your fan base. Take advantage of that. When Jane Leeves noted my dog, Yoshi’s, cuteness, it was rad. Crystal Lewis recently shared a blog about running and faith that really touched me. I was able to share feedback and it was acknowledged. Thanks, ladies! Personal connection makes the world smaller and keeps us interested in what you have to say.

2. Limit your retweets, please. Yes, there are many people in our world in need, and it is genuinely FANTASTIC that you are using your voice to help. However, when this is done so frequently, it doesn’t accomplish anything. Seeing “RT: Please help raise money/awareness for [organization]/[person]…” is an immediate cue to the brain to skip and move to the next item. It’s not that we don’t care, but we get desensitized by seeing it so often. And we know that you’re barely taking a fraction of a second to hit “retweet” and have no knowledge or investment in the cause. Not only do we not know if this particular organization is legit, but, subconsciously, we wonder if you don’t care, why should we?

3. On that note, PLEASE stop retweeting compliments and praise. PLEASE. Yes, you’re awesome. If we weren’t fans, we wouldn’t be following you in the first place. Yes, we are aware that other fans are positively gushing over your awesomeness. But, why do you think we are interested in reading it? While you might see affirmation of a job well done, the minute you hit “retweet” it is re-translated into “I desperately need everyone to see how much I am adored.”

4. Thank you for sharing news and upcoming events! Twitter is a great way to stay up-to-date on these things. Can you please balance it with a few actual personal thoughts? Remember, Twitter’s greatest advantage is personal connection (see a theme?).

5. Don’t be afraid to do your thing. Chances are, we are following because we like your work. Thank you, Ellen, for putting some humor into your posts. Thanks, Carlos Whittaker, for sharing your perspective about faith and real life. And thank you, Carly Fleischmann, for helping us understand autism. But, where is your snark, Kathy Griffin?

6. Don’t be afraid to follow us, even for just a little while. Forget market research or whatever trends the studio execs are reporting in your notes. You have the chance to see for yourself exactly what people are interested in and what they are thinking- and specifically from people who are also interested in your work. Personal connection can go two ways!

Ok, that’s probably enough for now. There have been at least 37 updates to my Twitter feed since I started typing this, and I wouldn’t want to miss anything The Hollywood Reporter has published.

* Thanks to the following folks for also unknowingly contributing to this post (and you might consider following):

Rick Warren     Kathy Najimy    Neil Patrick Harris     Regina Spektor     Dan Harmon     Megan Hilty

Debra Messing     NEEDTOBREATHE     John Paul White     RL Stine     Eddie Izzard     Heather Williams

David Spade     Patricia Heaton     Beth Moore     Sean Hayes     Bill Cosby     Weird Al Yankovic

Joel Mchale     Kristin Chenoweth     Kimya Dawson     Mindy Kaling

Interesting bits from my first night in class

Summer is officially finished. While that sounds sad at face value, it’s really not that bad for the following reasons:

1.       Unlike my first 20 years of life, this is not a farewell to good weather. It will stay hot for awhile, get really warm through October, then cool down nicely for the holidays. And by “cool down”, I mean a respectable sixties-ish.

And, no, I’m not gloating or bragging. I’m making the point that, as a person who has never enjoyed cold weather, I no longer have to mourn the end of summer sun.

2.       It’s high time I finished school. This will hopefully be my last year at school before finding a job/paid internship/fellowship/something in the film/tv industry. God willing.

Finishing school, finding a job, it's all a little overwhelming... see the analogy with this picture from our hike in Big Bear?

3.       This summer has been quite the… something. Moving twice, crazy land-lady, not finishing a script-writing goal but unexpectedly accomplishing another, creating and completing an extended summer program at workchurch… It wasn’t all what I envisioned, but a lot happened. I’m ready for a break-

Go ahead. Make your own analogy with this one.

Yeah….. about that. This is what “fall” means in Maltopia right now:

1.       School- two classes, but both pretty much lecture (instead of the usual lab classes that focus on exercises and projects all semester).

2.       Workchurch increase. September officially starts holiday season in ministry. In order to stay on top of the three back-to-back-to-back events- Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas- one has to start kicking butt in September. Plus, we have a September event as well, in addition to an increase of administrative responsibilities for me that are not kid-related.

3.       “The Root of Jesse” is our Christmas show at the theatre. I am so honored to have the opportunity to create the script, and so excited to be in production. Stay tuned for more on the progress, and mark your calendar for December 7^th-9^th so you can come see it.

There's artwork! It's official!

4.       Writing…. As mentioned above, I did NOT complete my summer writing goals. I will be applying for a few things that require spec scripts (unsolicited scripts, either original or based on an existing series) and essays, as well as another stageplay for the theater. The forces of discipline will need to overcome the power of procrastination for this to all happen before January.

Oh, yeah, so as I was saying, summer is officially finished because I had my first class of the semester last night. I am taking a screenwriting course, and it began with the usual syllabus coverage and class exercise. Our professor mentioned an interesting fact about writing and computer use. Apparently, she’s studied a lot about the psychology of the creative process. She reminded us that a computer screen is actually flickering at a high rate that we don’t consciously notice (this is why, when you take a video of a computer screen, it looks all funny). However, our eyes are still working as they register and process the motion. Though initially minor, the stress on our eyes and brain builds up. This is why we are tired after being in front of the monitor for long periods of time (can I get an “amen”, cubicle-dwellers?). Additionally, this steady mental distraction is detrimental to the writing process as well. This brings me to the conclusion that caught my attention.

Using a pen(cil) and paper is often more fruitful than computer work. Though logic tells me that typing quicker than I write should produce more results, experience tells me that I can think clearer when I sit down with a notebook. I always thought that it was because it made me slow a bit to completely finish a thought (despite my frustration of not being able to scribble at the rate my ideas race). But, according to my professor, studies show that we think more deeply when working by hand- and the inconsiderate computer flickering is largely to blame.

Ok, just one more Big Bear picture before I go.

On that note, I suppose I should take a break from the keyboard. There’s a cabinet in the kindergarten classroom that needs to be cleaned, an informational brochure to update, a fun day event to plan, and a whole bunch of other stuff I dutifully wrote in my notebook. By hand.

I Live With A Brony

Many childhood Saturday mornings began with this:

Though sometimes, they included this:

Today, my lunch often is contained by this:

Behold, I am a girl raised by the 80’s.

Twenty years later, My Little Pony has been rebooted- just like many others. I have a theory that they wait just enough time so that the characters we most love are resurrected right about the time we have our own kids. “Oh my gosh! I loved Thundercats! My kid will, too!”, they (the nameless, powerful, cartoon-resurrectors) think we’ll say.

Of course, rarely do the new versions stick around. Why? Because they are lame. Though, I suspect an audience exists for a He-Man/She-Ra revival, but they are probably not watching Cartoon Network. But, I’m wandering away from my original thought.

Back to My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. It barely registered my attention, as I assumed that it was another short-lived remake. The big-eyed characters (what is WITH that trend?) pushed them further aside, though it did earn a short blip on my radar when I heard the chick who did Powerpuff Girls was behind it. But then, I caught wind of the “Bronies”.

 Brony:

Typically refers to 13-30 year old male fans of the 2010 reboot of the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, but may also include females.

Brony = Bro + Pony

While generally associated with a negative stereotype by outsiders, due to it's former 80's frilly girly-girl twinkle-toed tea-parties and all-female main casting, bronies are attracted to the new show by it's good animation, acting, writing, and humor.

Thanks, Urban Dictionary! 

Now that I live with my friend and her family, I have the opportunity to observe the Brony up-close in his natural habitat. My roommate’s 17-year-old son digs MLP: Friendship is Magic. He watches the episodes, he has a brony t-shirt… so you know it’s hardcore. It’s genuine- this is not an act of irony or sarcasm (I’m looking at you, guys who wore pink shirts when we were in high school to make some kind of statement on manliness). There are even talks of a Brony birthday bash in the near future.

So what’s the deal? I watched the first half of the pilot episode the other day. It’s cute, not too lame (and admit it, if you go back and watch most of our 80’s cartoons, you will cringe through most of it). I will probably watch a few more when I have a spare moment or I’ve seen all of “How I Met Your Mother” that Netflix has to offer.

This is what gets me, and why I am even writing about it in the first place. Bronies rock. For real. Think about it, how many of us had the guts to defy stereotypes and really get into something that was not popular?  What interested you, but was outweighed by the reaction you’d get in the school hallways? I can only equate it with my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shoes in second or third grade. I loved the Turtles- watched the cartoon, sang along with the movie soundtrack cassette tape (“..walk straight… don’t need to mutate…”), collected the trading cards and chewed that rock-hard stick of tasteless gum included in that foil pack. Heroes in a half-shell, baby.

So when I saw these shoes, I HAD to have them. I didn’t want to believe my mom when she pointed out that they were for boys, and it only took a moment to realize I didn’t care. These sneakers were destined for my TMNT-loving feet. I can still picture the moment I stepped off the bus at South Elementary, looking down at my new shoes as if Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, and Michelangelo would give me the dignity to withstand the inevitable criticism.

The truth was, I was ridiculed for so many other things as a child, what was one more? At least I had happy feet. “Yes,” I answered, “They’re boy shoes. And I don’t care.” No amount of mockery could extinguish my Turtle fangirl light.

Is that how it goes for you, too, Bronies? Stick with what you love. Demonstrate that no person fits in a nice, neat little box. Increase your defense against misguided criticism and continue to know what you love and why you love it. Make decisions based on what you know to be true, rather than what is popular with those around you. Choose the pony life of color and adventure over the sheep life of black, white, and gray.

And maybe, in twenty years, the nameless, powerful, cartoon-resurrectors  won’t have to reboot MLP: Friendship is Magic. Like the Flintsones and Jetsons, it may live unchanged through generations. Or, at least, in your heart.

The Binder

I’ve moved twice this year. TWICE. That’s packing up every single thing I own, organizing it, carrying it to the car, carrying it from the car, finding a place for it…. TWICE.

Packing to move generally inspires cleaning, organization, and simplifying. Doing it again in less than three months inspires a person to live with fewer things. I found myself asking with every object, “Do I truly need this?” and “Do I really want to carry this back and forth when I move again?” I’ve cut down my possessions by quite a lot… and I’m pretty sure that I will just sell everything if I have to move again anytime soon!

My sentimentality really worked against me in this experience. See, I save EVERYthing that has emotional meaning. Cards, letters, gifts, special mementos- anything to preserve moments I held dear. While this is sweet, charming, and even a little bit comforting, it is a hassle pack and move. This relocation turmoil was slowly chipping away at my sentimental little heart.

I had been using the “get rid of 1/3 of what you have” strategy. This worked well for clothes I never wore, books I probably won’t re-read, school and work resources I always think I’ll reference…  I think I even went beyond 1/3- bonus points and a gold star! But how to reduce memories?

short cards.... long letters......

I’ll spare you the details of things that will probably make you laugh (pom-pom from a KWC basketball game, anyone? Or wait… was it football? Go Panthers!). But, one project became such a success, you must know about it- and try it yourself!








I have boxes and Ziploc bags FULL of letters and cards from 2001 until now. That’s 11 years! I should’ve taken a “before” picture, but it didn’t really dawn on me to blog it until this morning…. But picture 11 years of birthdays, Christmas’s, two graduations, and moving across the country. When I began packing for move #2, I started to thin out the collection. I was immediately hit with a problem- how can I choose one card over another? Is that like saying I love my cousin who sent this letter more than my grandma who sent the other? Oh, the guilt! I needed objective criteria: throw away anything that’s simply signed, keep anything with a paragraph or more of heartfelt sentiment.

Mamaw doesn't write cards anymore, so this is treasured.

When a kid draws a picture JUST for you, c'mon- that's precious.

 Victory! At the suggestion of my new roommate, Jen, I compiled the collection into a binder (ok, I admit… two binders) to conserve space. It sits neatly on my bookshelf and will pack easily when it’s time to move again.

But wait… there’s more…..

People I miss! Things I forgot!

Signed playbills from past productions...

KWC's President Poling shared a poem
before I moved to California.

 In the process, I discovered an additional benefit. This was more than a storage solution; I just created a book of support and encouragement.

We all have challenges and tough times in life. Throw in the fun that comes with bipolar disorder, and you’ll find some pretty low moments. 

What better way to remember the people surrounding me with love just when I start to forget? Start feeling like dreams are foolish and hopeless? Look who believes those goals are possible! Wonder if you are really blessing the people in your life? Check out those thank you cards. 

Letters from far-away friends trump facebook any day.

This is not an exercise in self-congratulations. It’s a perspective readjustment.










I sincerely think every person needs a binder like this! This is my hint that you need to gather your reminders of love and make them conveniently easy to read when you need it most!

A paper plate greeting!

I suppose I should tackle the boxes and envelopes of photographs next…. Or at least the next time I move.

How I Wrecked My Journal

You can get one on Amazon.

Though I abandoned my blog for seven months, you didn’t think I wasn’t writing, did you? Please. The amount of notebooks I use is ridiculous.

However, I discovered the amazing phenomena of “Wreck This Journal”.

The concept is to be artistically destructive with a journal- something most of us take somewhat seriously and protectively. By following the prompts, you allow for mistakes, imagination, and loosening your grip on the words you hold so dear. The instructions vary from simple (“Leave this page blank on purpose”) to involved (“Sew this page”), creative (“Draw an ugly picture”) to abusive (“Tie a string around the book and drag behind you on a walk”), and beyond.

Unsurprisingly, the out-of-the-box aspect appeals to me. Spicing up my journal life seemed a good idea, and any way to improve self-expression is always a good thing. Sure, I love words and do pretty well with them, but pictures… textures… smells? Including all the senses communicates beyond the capabilities of words. And so began the process of wrecking my journal…

Behold- a rare look at (select pages of) my personal journal. Of course, there is plenty of space to actually write, and I have.

 

Fabric scraps from past projects, 

and the top of a jar of jam from Kelly’s wedding.

“Collect fruit stickers”….
The scribbling was done by a 3-year-old from church who found
 the journal when it slipped out of my bag.

“Cover this page using only office supplies”…. 

You know all my office supplies are colorful!

I dropped it from the second story of our church building.

Sure, these aren’t all impressive (if you Google image search “Wreck This Journal”, other people will astound and amaze you). Most of what I created is not meant to be shared. But this is a vague way to describe the past seven months in writing terms. Life was all over the place, and my writing was, too. I’ve nearly finished filling and wrecking my journal, and will return to plain ol’ linear writing between the lines…. for now. I still have two more books in the series: “Mess” and “This is Not a Book”. Oh, the possibilities…..

Return

Seven months ago, I walked away from my online journal. It wasn’t initially deliberate; otherwise I would’ve written some kind of final “good-bye” post. Life was just turned every which way, and writing slipped lower on the priority list. Many of the things on the forefront of my mind were not really shareable with the masses. I also began questioning the purpose and relevancy of posting a blog. Do I really have anything interesting to say? Do my words matter to anyone outside my social circle? Should I focus on a specific topic or theme? Is there a point to this that’s not narcissistic?

I’ve been blogging nearly consistently since I was 15, in the years of Open Diary (which, apparently, still exists here). When I began, it was the novelty of writing and sharing semi-anonymously, while reading what my friends were thinking. Basically, it was like a glorified group email. I’ve definitely outgrown that, but why do I blog now?

The answer is still developing.  I definitely feel we need to share our life experiences with each other, both to learn and to support. While I don’t have any deep pearls of wisdom to impart, I do occasionally stumble upon something interesting and useful. Keeping it to myself would be selfish, wouldn’t it? And as far as relevancy… if what I write isn’t valuable, no one will read it. So that leaves the assessment in the hands (eyes?) of the rest of you. I’m not here for an ego boost.

Why am I here? I am a writer. I think, process, analyze, reflect, imagine, and constantly revise first, second, and third drafts of my thoughts. Getting out of my head and onto paper creates a sort of clarity, like laying all the crayons out in a row to see what colors you have. The topic and direction will emerge- like it always has.

Thanks for sticking around- I like your company. J

walk…. in what direction?

Walk by faith, not by sight.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on His understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.

“I know the plans I have you for you,” says the Lord. “Plans to give you hope and future.”

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything with prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God. And the peace of Christ, which is beyond comprehension, will guard your heart and your mind.

(All the above are the from the Malinda Paraphrased Version.)

 

We know these words. We KNOW these truths. If it were written like questions on a test, we would answer correctly. When someone walks through a trial, we promptly reply with these solutions. And rightly so, because they ARE truth.

But that golden opportunity to actually live our beliefs that seems much more exciting in concept then in reality. We store up these scriptures and promises like stocking up on bread and milk before a bad storm. But when the storm hits, do we decide that bread and milk no longer sound appealing, but we’d rather have pop-tarts and soda instead?

Ok, so that seems like a stretch of an analogy, but stick with me here. We study God’s word and strive to apply it to our lives. Everything seems to make sense and we’re ready for anything. Until that “anything” happens. Then our peace flies out the window as we fret and panic. Sure, we profess that God has it under control and we trust Him. But if this was honest, why are we such a mess? Do we just not truly believe it? Where is the disconnect? Why do we trade in the things we know to be right for a bigger mess?

This must be the part where I jump in with a new, shinier scripture that makes our process clear. Maybe something from Paul about doing what we don’t want to do? Or maybe something even more encouraging than our familiar passages… perhaps an obscure verse we somehow failed to notice before? Then again, maybe it’s this “magic word” theology that produces such weak faith from the beginning.

I can’t offer the ultimate solution, because I’m still working it out for myself. All my studying and learning have produced a good head knowledge of the “right answers”- and they ARE right. My continuing life journey with God is fortifying my heart with these truths, so that it will remain steady on the rock foundation during the inevitable and reoccurring storms.

But we’re weak until the roots of God’s truth burrow deeply in our soul. I think that’s where the difference is found, the difference between freaking out during the chaotic stuff versus taking shelter under the Shadow of the Almighty during the same hurricane. I’m reading about book about “Swamplands of the Soul” which points out something the book of James has tried to tell us for years. All the trying seasons are not necessarily evils to be avoided, but birthing places for beautiful growth in us. What this mainstream book doesn’t include is that the swamplands provide a brilliant canvas for God’s artistry, too. When there’s lots of room for Him to work, there’s a lot He can do.

As usual, I do not write these words as a “sermon from a soapbox”. I am literally sitting on my couch, typing what I am trying to work out for myself. Unexpected circumstances have overturned the plans I had- for school/career stuff, living situation, and other miscellaneous matters. 90% of me is freaking out- literally. The other 10% is writing this, thinking, praying, and clinging to the hope that lives in the truths we know. I have a feeling if we share that little bit we all have in us, it could become something stronger altogether.

fresh sheet of paper?

If I was the type of girl who made New Year’s resolutions, I would (once again) strive for more disciplined blogging.

If I was still the type of girl who set goals for the coming year, I would definitely aim to post more frequently.

But since I’m a girl who isn’t sure what this year will bring, I won’t set myself up for failure.

I’m still going to attempt better blogging, though. For real. I promise.

 

It’s difficult to dance my way into 2012 when 2011 still hauntingly lingers. While my long-term goals remain the same, the short-term details have changed and require regrouping. There are many personal issues and emotions that are still unresolved from the past year. The date changed, but who says our new beginnings correspond with a calendar? Am I the only person who doesn’t feel like January wiped the slate clean?

 

But for now, here’s the obligatory recap:

Since my last entry, my doctor decided that mania wasn’t the best idea, so yet another medication has brought me to a healthy normal level of existence. For now. But that is another matter for another discussion.

The Christmas show was successful. :) After a nice little holiday break, Masquer is about to begin a production of “Godspell”. This also means that many of us are “in training” to prepare for high energy performances that include simultaneous singing and dancing. So yay for lots of exercise and excessively healthy eating and the like. Thankfully, my spring semester includes a twice-weekly yoga class.

Christmas itself was lovely… the lights, festivities, music, gifting, fun times with loved ones, special church services….. all good things. :) My church blessed me by providing needed funds to cover a parking ticket (and then some). This literal Christmas miracle overwhelmed my heart with gratitude.

Additionally, my parents and Claudia visited! For the past week, we’ve been doing vacation-y things. I’m quite proud of my tour guide skills (particularly with budget activities!), and am glad to offer my services to all of you who visit! For the curious, here are a few things we did/saw/experienced:

- Redondo Beach pier

- Cabrillo Marine Aquarium and tidepools
 

- New Year’s Eve at the Long Beach Waterfront

- a little bit of hiking in the San Gabriel mountains

- shopping at the Americana
 

- a quick visit with the Hollywood sign

- a tour of Sony Studios

(disclaimer: i did not take a single one of those photos, but they are as accurate as possible… you get the idea.)

 

Now that the family has returned home, 2012 has officially begun- whether I am ready or not. Here’s to a school-free January full of productivity and creative accomplishment. Here’s to a year blessed by the good things of last year and stronger because of the challenges. I raise my glass to a healthy combination of optimism and something resembling wisdom.

And I pray that God is smiling on your new year, too.

i am AWAKE

It is midnight. In six hours, I should be out of bed and walking dogs around the block until they are good and empty. We have a special service at church tomorrow, which requires looking nice and being there early to prepare. The kids are dancing and (hopefully) singing, and reciting memory verses. We will have special guests. It’s a big deal.

It would be really nice, responsible, and healthy if I went to bed now- or an hour and a half ago. But i can’t. I canNOT sleep. My mind is awake. I think my body agrees with being awake. There is energy that must be spent.

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe this is mania. Whee!

I feel like baking cookies. I could work on a screenplay, but I lack focus. Christmas crafting would be lovely, but the results might be sloppy. Maybe I’ll do yoga. If I didn’t have to be up early, the possibilities would be endless. And a small part of my brain still contains the voice of common sense.

And a smaller part of my brain wonders how I could be drifting into manic territory while on the medication. But i don’t stop there long enough to produce explanations. I can let the professionals figure that out. And really, is this too much personal information for a blog?

Meanwhile, let me show you something that Kelly taught me that is super helpful. Basically, you can use a sock to make a good bun, and wearing it overnight leaves curls in the morning:click here for video because for some reason it won't let me embed it.

Also, are you guys loving Pinterest??

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I lost track of where I was going with this. Poseidon left the couch, and I followed him to make sure he didn’t mark anything (two days without an incident! woot!). Then, I thought, “Candy Cane Jo-Jo’s sound really good. A couple more wouldn’t be horrible, right? ‘Tis the season, after all….” I suppose peppermint Oreos are not going to help me sleep.

You know, I don’t know anyone else who is bipolar. Sometimes (a lot of times), I wish I did. My friends are amazing and supportive, but what would it be like to know someone who understands by experience?

Tomorrow is our final rehearsal before tech week! This year’s Christmas show is more of a performance art concert with narration surrounding a loose plot. It’s pretty. There are angels. Someone described it as “a breath of fresh air from holiday madness.” And I hope all you So Cal people see it next weekend. It’s fun and it’s free- and it’s good- so there’s not reason not to come.

So let’s recap…. big, important worship service at WorkChurch tomorrow. Big, long, extended rehearsal at the theatre. Plus all the other stuff from school and Christmas prep and life details that require attention. You know what would be a good thing to do? If you you answered “sleep” in a tone that could also mean “duh, stupid”, you are probably absolutely correct.

But I’ll probably do yoga anyway.

avoidance is my gift

I moved my laptop to the kitchen table so that the comfy chair wouldn’t be so inviting. Somehow, it’s easier to stay on task in a wooden chair, instead of sucked into facebook and games while curled up in something softer.

Then I made lists. Lists are deceptively procrastinative under the guise of being productive. On one hand, it helps to organize thoughts and priorities. On the other, more honest hand, it helps me put off the more substantial tasks.

Then I made my workstation a little more…. cozy? I’ve ready about bad study habits, and they include making a nest. This is a strategy that i’ve often employed. Just last week, I prepared for a big presentation from my pillow/blanket/couch nest. Everything was in arm’s reach- food, drink, remote controls, laptop, notebook, backpack…. And to be fair, I did accomplish everything by deadline.

Today my kitchen-table-“nest” includes my backpack on the chair next to me, a candle lit in my rainbow mosaic holder, a (now empty) bottle of coconut water, notebook/pen/homework, and Jonah, the neighbor’s fish we are keeping until they return from a trip. As you can see by the fact that I am writing a blog entry, this set-up is encouraging great progress.

Also by my side is a spray bottle of water. This is intended for quick, effective dog discipline. However, it is not always quick nor effective. Sometimes, it is just better to usher all three dogs into my room for some downtime, whether they like it or not.

Yes, I said THREE dogs. We have our own little pack over here. In addition to Tootsie and Yoshi, we have acquired a little man named Poseidon.

 Seen here with Yoshi in a rejected Christmas card photo.

Kelly and I discovered Poseidon while riding bikes through the neighborhood. When attempts to find and reunite him with his family failed, we couldn’t just leave him at the animal shelter to face almost-certain euthanization (at four years old and with imperfect appearance, he was not likely to be adopted when there are so many puppies available). So Poseidon came home with me. When Kelly and Tootsie move out, this will also work out particularly well for alleviating Yoshi’s separation anxiety.

But now I’ve strayed from my nest of procrastination. If you’re really interested in knowing the latest “life updates”, they are as follows:

-School is busy (nearing semester’s end).
-Work is busy (in the midst of holiday season with it’s special services and events).
-Theatre is busy (our show opens December 9th and only runs one weekend. Come see it!).
-Christmas plans are busy (gift preparations take a little longer when your broke (but crafty!) self is making things).
-My family is coming to visit for New Year’s, so there is preparation for that (plus cleaning if my mother is going to see my apartment).

And so it goes. With that, I should post this and actually work on my homework instead of just feeling comforted by its nearby presence. Besides, the dogs are mostly quie- nevermind. i should’ve known better than to type that. Excuse me while I spray a barking Tootsie and rescue an innocent fish from an inquisitive and surprisingly agile chihuahua.

octoberween

Things have been quite… seasonal… lately. I’ve never been a huge fan of Halloween, but something has apparently inspired me to embrace the novelty of October (and then November and December, of course).

My name is Malinda, and I have celebrated the fall season in the following ways:

- I pulled out Kelly’s Halloween decorations, and now you can find a big fuzzy spider on the entertainment center, a sparkly ghost on the coffee table, my pumpkin teddy bear on the radiator, a fake-but-lit jack o’lantern on top of the dryer, and orange Christmas lights (Halloween lights?) hanging from the ceiling.

- For editing homework, I chose to watch and evaluate a scene from The Nightmare Before Christmas. It can also be noted that Kelly has a coordinating blanket on the couch.

- Also, we turned off the lights last night, popped some popcorn (on the stove with coconut oil! woot!), and watched Paranormal Activity 2.

- We are burning festive candles and the wax melty things frequently. Not only does this make the house smell all warm and cozy, but it makes me worry less about puppy odors.

- Apple cider has been enjoyed, both chilled and warm in mugs.

- Halloween costume pieces are currently being assembled, and will premiere at a party Sunday evening and again on Halloween night.

- Two pumpkins are sitting on the counter. The plan is to carve them in the next week or so. Though, if they remain uncarved, they can carry over into November, since they’re still all harvest-y and stuff.

- There has been talk of a caramel apple from Rocky Mountain Chocolate…. must increase exercise in preparation.

So while I still delight in every summer-y day we receive (thank you, October in southern California!), I shall also revel in the stuff that only comes once a year(ish). We may not have much in the way of color-changing or brown crunchy leaves, but our plants won’t die from frost, either. So as I sit all cozy in my hoodie and fuzzy socks on a chilly evening, I bid you happy autumn.

my dog, the devil

“Job” opened! That was the big happening of the weekend. On one hand, tech week and the run of a show are inherently busy- travel to and from the theater, long rehearsals, performances, and after-show meals at Denny’s….

Then there was the added element of opening a show that is completely original and unlike our typical musicals. I was a little bit nervous, but people seem to be liking it. While it is an intense show, the response is encouraging. We have one more weekend of performances, and I really hope that word-of-mouth will continue to bring audiences.

Meanwhile, the world doesn’t stop for a show and regularly scheduled busyness continues. We’ve entered holiday season at workchurch: harvest fest –> Thanksgiving –> Christmas –> prep for next year. It doesn’t sound exciting in writing, but it consumes a good deal of thought/time/energy. There are some really good things happening with our kids though as we’re integrating them into church life as a whole. :)

Yoshi had to get a couple of baby teeth pulled yesterday…. It would’ve been awesome if she lost them naturally like all the others, instead of the $400 way….

Speaking of Yoshi- an interesting thing happened the other morning. It was breakfast time for the dogs, and each of them had food in their own bowls. Yoshi decided that she would rather have Tootsie’s meal, so she growled, threatened, and bullied her way into her bowl. Tootsie just stood by, watching and looking helpless as the puppy  took kibble that was rightfully hers. Nevermind that Tootsie is much bigger and stronger than Yoshi. In fact, if the two ever really fought, Yoshi would be wiped out before she knew what hit her. So why in the world would Tootsie allow her to steal food?

She looks innocent here, but don’t be fooled.

The sweet but mighty boston terrier. 

I know I have Job and accompanying spiritual warfare on the brain. But isn’t that how we react to Satan sometimes? We have God on our side and the Holy Spirit in our hearts. We learn and recite, “Greater is He that is in you”.  And contrary to popular belief, Satan is not the opposite of God. They are not even close to equal. The devil started out as an angel- one of many created beings. You know, the created beings that we’ll be above once we make our way to heaven. Satan’s got an attitude problem and a mean streak that gain attention, but he’s really small potatoes compared to the Almighty Creator who just so happens to a)love us, b)fight for us, and c)fill us with His spirit to pack an even more powerful punch to a pesky devil.

That’s right. God’s got our back. Bring it.

punk.

 

So why do we freak out when temptation and trouble come our way? Why are we intimidated by a devil who growls, barks, and makes noise, but we are more than capable to fight? Has he really convinced our sweet, trusting selves that he can bully his way into our food bowl and take what he wants?

It’s not that easy…. or is it? I know I’ve certainly cowered at Satan’s threats and lies. Perhaps it’s time to remember the proper perspective, regain our rightful place, and reclaim our stolen breakfast.

weekend away, now something to say

Our church is building a youth group. As  a congregation of young families, this is the first time there have been students old enough for youth, so we have the opportunity and challenge to start a program from scratch. Exciting! In the spirit of beginning with a solid foundation and creating good things, I was sent to the National Youth Workers Convention in San Diego this weekend.

It was fun, as youth workers like doing all the things kids like to do, whether those kids are present or not. So yes, there was Mario Kart and ping pong and a rock wall and a good deal of free stuff (yay free stuff!). Of course there were the standard sit-here-and-learn-stuff seminars, but the big group sessions were a mix of music and worship and dynamic, varied speakers (yes, i said dynamic. and yes, it’s cliche. but it’s also true so go with it), comedy acts, videos, and those shark balloons that look like they’re swimming as they fly through the air (side note: i have been dying to see one of these things in action the minute i saw them on youtube).

Yes, I learned a lot of valuable info that will hopefully be implemented into our program- even beyond the youth room. Also, so many resources were collected that I’m ready to dive into- like curriculum and local service ideas. So my mission was accomplished.

What I wasn’t expecting was the personal stuff that God had planned. As the conference began, I quickly began to suspect I was the only person who attended solo. Anticipating awkwardness and hoping to meet and hang out with new people, I walked into the large main room with strategically designed stage, lighting, and a dj establishing atmosphere. Yeah, pretty much what I expected. Then there was the singing and praise and worship and- that was when God mentioned one tiny little fact-

“You haven’t been worshipping Me.”

me: “Of course I have, silly God. I worship during church every Sunday morning! Ok, so my mind is also on children’s sermons, lesson plans, and meetings, etc… but I also make sure to do some worship and praying in the car on my way there to prepare and make sure I cover my ‘worship quota’.”

God: “Yeah, try focusing right now withOUT those distractions and see what I mean.”

And what do you know- the Almighty God was absolutely correct. And I was glad I was alone while I broke down in tears in actual worship (because we know that if I was with a friend or church person, I would resist vulnerability like a kid rejects broccoli). Then God decided to address a few other issues.

You know when there’s a problem and someone pulls you aside to discuss it away from everyone else? That’s what this felt like. In the solitary confinement of my (quite comfy) hotel room, God talked me through reading, journaling, praying, listening, and addressing the big issues of the past year. It wasn’t instant complete healing- that process with continue to take time- but He demolished a big chunk of the wall I’ve been diligently building around my heart.

me: “So now what, God? We’ve established that I’m quite broken. Doesn’t that make me too defective to properly shepherd the precious young lives at church?”

And so we processed that one together the next day. A couple different speakers referenced the story of the woman at the well, and pointed out that she ministered to her entire town without being completely put together and without understanding all the answers. Furthermore, my experience with the dark struggles of bipolar disorder equips me to handle issues that many youth workers don’t understand or even fear. There’s no  way I could relate to someone who’s stranded at rock bottom if I didn’t reside there myself. But I have to get through to the other side in order for this to happen.

So I was feeling pretty good about things, and caught myself actually thinking (adventurously expectant, even) about the future- something I had previously given up. I felt ready for the evening’s speaker, Jamie Tworkowski from To Write Love On Her Arms. I knew that the subject matter would hit close to home (for the story behind TWLOHA, click here and scroll down). When Jamie said, “I don’t have the answers”, I wanted to say, “But you do!” The common thread between his story, my story, and even the stories of other people is this: when someone is in trouble, it takes a team of support LIVING active love to change or save a flailing life. He and his friends surrounded a girl in need, and took every possible practical step to walk with her to recovery. When I got lost this spring, my family of dear friends held onto hope for me when I couldn’t grasp it. They walked through every practical task, holding my hand to pull me up.

In “Christianese” we call this “being the hands and feet of Christ”. In straight-up English this means love in real-life action. We MUST do this- in ministry and outside the church walls- it’s not an option or going the extra mile. It is a requirement for people to live.

Holy cow, this is longer than intended. If I could, I’d give you a cookie for sticking with me and reading this far. But I had to tell you where I went this weekend. I’m the woman who went to a well for one purpose (youth ministry training), and left with unexpected living water. The only logical thing to do next is share with everyone who will listen.

Oh, and on the last day, I finally met a group of fantastic guys from West Virginia. So I even got to hang out with fun new people. It was worth the drive to San Diego, don’t you think?

the normalcy of busyness

The round-up:

Busy is good. Also, it appears that the current medication is actually working. These two elements combine to make something that resembles normalcy.

Busy consists of these things:

Work: October begins “holiday season” at church- harvest festival, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and all the fun details that go with them.  Additionally, I get to attend the National Youth Workers Convention in San Diego this weekend!

School: Nothing super interesting to report, just continuing the production class and the once-a-week-freaking-five-hour-long editing class. I still haven’t regained the enthusiasm I lost in the spring, but I’ll continue to give my best effort until it returns. Could it be that I just need a reminder that I can actually succeed in this industry instead of playing around with an unrealistic dream?

Theatre: “Job” opens next Friday. There’s not a lot of preparation on my part, just attending the final rehearsals and being on hand to run sound cues and the like. I think that makes me a little more nervous that usual. During a typical show, I’m focused on performing (or if not, tech-ing backstage). Now, all I can do is watch and hope the audience likes this project that has consumed our thoughts and energy for the past nine months. It’s not a feel-good musical romp that people are used to seeing from Masquer. It’s wordy. This semi-unfamiliar book of the Bible is not an easy read, so will it be understood when seen and heard? Will everyone zone out during the monologues and miss the message? Will the typical church person who attends a performance be accepting of the creep factor of Satan and his demons? Don’t misunderstand- I believe it’s a good show, and the actors are doing a stellar job with a big script (memorizing the complicated lines is a feat in itself!). And it’s exciting to watch the production unfold from just an idea to reality.

And the rest of it: Yoshi is making regular appearances at the vet this week- first for a bee sting and soon to get some baby teeth pulled before they cause additional health problems. Meanwhile, I’m brainstorming budget Christmas gift ideas, so if you crafty folks have any helpful websites or resources, please let me know. In unimportant time-wasters, Kelly and I diligently watched all 157 episodes of Desperate Housewives (from season one until the most recent) in preparation for this current (and final) season. The amount of time devoted to this project was both sad and amazing.

Overall, the fact remains that i’m still in a recovery process from the crash in the spring, and recovery is slow. But the normalcy of busyness seems like a good sign of hope quickly approaching on the horizon.

when i quit writing

There was so much I wanted to tell you, but I just couldn’t. Blame it on being busy, blame it on still trying to find the right balance of medication, blame it on the cycle that leads to depression, or blame it on laziness, if you want. But i just couldn’t write.

If it makes you feel better, my paper journal isn’t seeming much action these days, either. So you shouldn’t take my neglect personally.

I wanted to tell you about our kayaking trip in Long Beach. We swam with moon jellies and with my dive mask I could look at them from underneath (don’t worry, they don’t sting). The paddling back was quite a test of endurance, and God basically cleared His almighty throat and reminded me the truth in many of Paul’s letters. Endurance is not easy, but it’s necessary. As much as I want to give up  when everything seems hopeless, i canNOT stop paddling. One stroke at a time- even if it feels like there’s nothing left- but stopping is not an option.

In other animal news, I also wanted to tell you about feeding giraffes at the San Diego Zoo with my cousin, Bethany. Being so close, being seen by their big, kind black eyes, and touching their soft noses was a little bit amazing.

If entries were posted regularly, you would hear about the progress of of “Job” (we open in four weeks!), creating a Butterbear the Wuzzle costume for an 80’s cartoon party, my friend giving birth to twins, and Yoshi learning how to give high-five. There’d be stories about playing laser tag with church kids and dropping my phone in a toilet. I’d tell you how, after reading Ezekiel 46, I wondered if we’ve gotten the Sabbath all wrong. We think it’s all about what we DON’T do, that we forget the importance of what we DO. Not only do most of forget to even observe a Sabbath each week, we miss the point entirely. Yes, it’s about rest. But should there also be an element of honoring God or worship or something? I’m not sure what this actually looks like in “real life”, but back in the day, there was a lot of directions for how to worship. I wonder how that transfers to here and now.

Then, I might mention that the school semester has begun. I’m taking one production class and a (five-hour-once-a-week!!!) editing course. And for some reason, I’m not as enthusiastic about it as usual.

But maybe that’s because it feels like someone turned on a faucet of sadness, and then it got stuck. Trying to remember that “this, too, shall pass” is a little bit difficult when it takes every smidgen of energy to complete basic routine tasks. And that leaves very little inspiration to write. Besides, even if I am stuck in a cycle of ups and downs, that doesn’t mean everyone wants to hear about it. You can only watch the carousel turn so many times before you tire of seeing the same horses over and over and over again.

everything and nothing

When August arrives, it feels like the beginning of the end of summer. While we still experience warm weather well into October and beyond, when fall semester begins there is less time for summer activities. So while I still have three weeks left, it seems as if summer is almost finished.

I had a few goals for this time. Most of it was taking life slowly for a little bit, but I did want to learn to surf, go out on more dives, and get down to my pre-medication weight. I suppose there’s no official deadline for these things, but in three weeks I will return to the regular rush of work+school+theater+life in general.

But the slow days are not a waste. It’s important to me to make each day matter. If I close my eyes at night without accomplishing something worthwhile, it’s as if I’ve carelessly thrown away my day. This week, that has been in the form of adventurous bike rides around the neighborhood, teaching Yoshi new tricks, and watching Desperate Housewives on Netflix between workchurch tasks.

There a few things i can't (or shouldn't) share in a blog:
- details of daily bipolar struggles
- fights with family or friends
- issues i'm working out in therapy

That leaves little else to say for now. Lately, my life has been about the moments- like tasting a perfectly ripe peach from the farmers market or feeling the damp, clear air when I take Yoshi out first thing in the morning (or running from lawn sprinklers when I take her out for the last time at night). Then again, those are the moments that get lost in the shuffle when fall returns. Perhaps I should treasure them while I can.