i am AWAKE

It is midnight. In six hours, I should be out of bed and walking dogs around the block until they are good and empty. We have a special service at church tomorrow, which requires looking nice and being there early to prepare. The kids are dancing and (hopefully) singing, and reciting memory verses. We will have special guests. It’s a big deal.

It would be really nice, responsible, and healthy if I went to bed now- or an hour and a half ago. But i can’t. I canNOT sleep. My mind is awake. I think my body agrees with being awake. There is energy that must be spent.

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe this is mania. Whee!

I feel like baking cookies. I could work on a screenplay, but I lack focus. Christmas crafting would be lovely, but the results might be sloppy. Maybe I’ll do yoga. If I didn’t have to be up early, the possibilities would be endless. And a small part of my brain still contains the voice of common sense.

And a smaller part of my brain wonders how I could be drifting into manic territory while on the medication. But i don’t stop there long enough to produce explanations. I can let the professionals figure that out. And really, is this too much personal information for a blog?

Meanwhile, let me show you something that Kelly taught me that is super helpful. Basically, you can use a sock to make a good bun, and wearing it overnight leaves curls in the morning:click here for video because for some reason it won't let me embed it.

Also, are you guys loving Pinterest??

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I lost track of where I was going with this. Poseidon left the couch, and I followed him to make sure he didn’t mark anything (two days without an incident! woot!). Then, I thought, “Candy Cane Jo-Jo’s sound really good. A couple more wouldn’t be horrible, right? ‘Tis the season, after all….” I suppose peppermint Oreos are not going to help me sleep.

You know, I don’t know anyone else who is bipolar. Sometimes (a lot of times), I wish I did. My friends are amazing and supportive, but what would it be like to know someone who understands by experience?

Tomorrow is our final rehearsal before tech week! This year’s Christmas show is more of a performance art concert with narration surrounding a loose plot. It’s pretty. There are angels. Someone described it as “a breath of fresh air from holiday madness.” And I hope all you So Cal people see it next weekend. It’s fun and it’s free- and it’s good- so there’s not reason not to come.

So let’s recap…. big, important worship service at WorkChurch tomorrow. Big, long, extended rehearsal at the theatre. Plus all the other stuff from school and Christmas prep and life details that require attention. You know what would be a good thing to do? If you you answered “sleep” in a tone that could also mean “duh, stupid”, you are probably absolutely correct.

But I’ll probably do yoga anyway.

avoidance is my gift

I moved my laptop to the kitchen table so that the comfy chair wouldn’t be so inviting. Somehow, it’s easier to stay on task in a wooden chair, instead of sucked into facebook and games while curled up in something softer.

Then I made lists. Lists are deceptively procrastinative under the guise of being productive. On one hand, it helps to organize thoughts and priorities. On the other, more honest hand, it helps me put off the more substantial tasks.

Then I made my workstation a little more…. cozy? I’ve ready about bad study habits, and they include making a nest. This is a strategy that i’ve often employed. Just last week, I prepared for a big presentation from my pillow/blanket/couch nest. Everything was in arm’s reach- food, drink, remote controls, laptop, notebook, backpack…. And to be fair, I did accomplish everything by deadline.

Today my kitchen-table-“nest” includes my backpack on the chair next to me, a candle lit in my rainbow mosaic holder, a (now empty) bottle of coconut water, notebook/pen/homework, and Jonah, the neighbor’s fish we are keeping until they return from a trip. As you can see by the fact that I am writing a blog entry, this set-up is encouraging great progress.

Also by my side is a spray bottle of water. This is intended for quick, effective dog discipline. However, it is not always quick nor effective. Sometimes, it is just better to usher all three dogs into my room for some downtime, whether they like it or not.

Yes, I said THREE dogs. We have our own little pack over here. In addition to Tootsie and Yoshi, we have acquired a little man named Poseidon.

 Seen here with Yoshi in a rejected Christmas card photo.

Kelly and I discovered Poseidon while riding bikes through the neighborhood. When attempts to find and reunite him with his family failed, we couldn’t just leave him at the animal shelter to face almost-certain euthanization (at four years old and with imperfect appearance, he was not likely to be adopted when there are so many puppies available). So Poseidon came home with me. When Kelly and Tootsie move out, this will also work out particularly well for alleviating Yoshi’s separation anxiety.

But now I’ve strayed from my nest of procrastination. If you’re really interested in knowing the latest “life updates”, they are as follows:

-School is busy (nearing semester’s end).
-Work is busy (in the midst of holiday season with it’s special services and events).
-Theatre is busy (our show opens December 9th and only runs one weekend. Come see it!).
-Christmas plans are busy (gift preparations take a little longer when your broke (but crafty!) self is making things).
-My family is coming to visit for New Year’s, so there is preparation for that (plus cleaning if my mother is going to see my apartment).

And so it goes. With that, I should post this and actually work on my homework instead of just feeling comforted by its nearby presence. Besides, the dogs are mostly quie- nevermind. i should’ve known better than to type that. Excuse me while I spray a barking Tootsie and rescue an innocent fish from an inquisitive and surprisingly agile chihuahua.

octoberween

Things have been quite… seasonal… lately. I’ve never been a huge fan of Halloween, but something has apparently inspired me to embrace the novelty of October (and then November and December, of course).

My name is Malinda, and I have celebrated the fall season in the following ways:

- I pulled out Kelly’s Halloween decorations, and now you can find a big fuzzy spider on the entertainment center, a sparkly ghost on the coffee table, my pumpkin teddy bear on the radiator, a fake-but-lit jack o’lantern on top of the dryer, and orange Christmas lights (Halloween lights?) hanging from the ceiling.

- For editing homework, I chose to watch and evaluate a scene from The Nightmare Before Christmas. It can also be noted that Kelly has a coordinating blanket on the couch.

- Also, we turned off the lights last night, popped some popcorn (on the stove with coconut oil! woot!), and watched Paranormal Activity 2.

- We are burning festive candles and the wax melty things frequently. Not only does this make the house smell all warm and cozy, but it makes me worry less about puppy odors.

- Apple cider has been enjoyed, both chilled and warm in mugs.

- Halloween costume pieces are currently being assembled, and will premiere at a party Sunday evening and again on Halloween night.

- Two pumpkins are sitting on the counter. The plan is to carve them in the next week or so. Though, if they remain uncarved, they can carry over into November, since they’re still all harvest-y and stuff.

- There has been talk of a caramel apple from Rocky Mountain Chocolate…. must increase exercise in preparation.

So while I still delight in every summer-y day we receive (thank you, October in southern California!), I shall also revel in the stuff that only comes once a year(ish). We may not have much in the way of color-changing or brown crunchy leaves, but our plants won’t die from frost, either. So as I sit all cozy in my hoodie and fuzzy socks on a chilly evening, I bid you happy autumn.

my dog, the devil

“Job” opened! That was the big happening of the weekend. On one hand, tech week and the run of a show are inherently busy- travel to and from the theater, long rehearsals, performances, and after-show meals at Denny’s….

Then there was the added element of opening a show that is completely original and unlike our typical musicals. I was a little bit nervous, but people seem to be liking it. While it is an intense show, the response is encouraging. We have one more weekend of performances, and I really hope that word-of-mouth will continue to bring audiences.

Meanwhile, the world doesn’t stop for a show and regularly scheduled busyness continues. We’ve entered holiday season at workchurch: harvest fest –> Thanksgiving –> Christmas –> prep for next year. It doesn’t sound exciting in writing, but it consumes a good deal of thought/time/energy. There are some really good things happening with our kids though as we’re integrating them into church life as a whole. :)

Yoshi had to get a couple of baby teeth pulled yesterday…. It would’ve been awesome if she lost them naturally like all the others, instead of the $400 way….

Speaking of Yoshi- an interesting thing happened the other morning. It was breakfast time for the dogs, and each of them had food in their own bowls. Yoshi decided that she would rather have Tootsie’s meal, so she growled, threatened, and bullied her way into her bowl. Tootsie just stood by, watching and looking helpless as the puppy  took kibble that was rightfully hers. Nevermind that Tootsie is much bigger and stronger than Yoshi. In fact, if the two ever really fought, Yoshi would be wiped out before she knew what hit her. So why in the world would Tootsie allow her to steal food?

She looks innocent here, but don’t be fooled.

The sweet but mighty boston terrier. 

I know I have Job and accompanying spiritual warfare on the brain. But isn’t that how we react to Satan sometimes? We have God on our side and the Holy Spirit in our hearts. We learn and recite, “Greater is He that is in you”.  And contrary to popular belief, Satan is not the opposite of God. They are not even close to equal. The devil started out as an angel- one of many created beings. You know, the created beings that we’ll be above once we make our way to heaven. Satan’s got an attitude problem and a mean streak that gain attention, but he’s really small potatoes compared to the Almighty Creator who just so happens to a)love us, b)fight for us, and c)fill us with His spirit to pack an even more powerful punch to a pesky devil.

That’s right. God’s got our back. Bring it.

punk.

 

So why do we freak out when temptation and trouble come our way? Why are we intimidated by a devil who growls, barks, and makes noise, but we are more than capable to fight? Has he really convinced our sweet, trusting selves that he can bully his way into our food bowl and take what he wants?

It’s not that easy…. or is it? I know I’ve certainly cowered at Satan’s threats and lies. Perhaps it’s time to remember the proper perspective, regain our rightful place, and reclaim our stolen breakfast.

weekend away, now something to say

Our church is building a youth group. As  a congregation of young families, this is the first time there have been students old enough for youth, so we have the opportunity and challenge to start a program from scratch. Exciting! In the spirit of beginning with a solid foundation and creating good things, I was sent to the National Youth Workers Convention in San Diego this weekend.

It was fun, as youth workers like doing all the things kids like to do, whether those kids are present or not. So yes, there was Mario Kart and ping pong and a rock wall and a good deal of free stuff (yay free stuff!). Of course there were the standard sit-here-and-learn-stuff seminars, but the big group sessions were a mix of music and worship and dynamic, varied speakers (yes, i said dynamic. and yes, it’s cliche. but it’s also true so go with it), comedy acts, videos, and those shark balloons that look like they’re swimming as they fly through the air (side note: i have been dying to see one of these things in action the minute i saw them on youtube).

Yes, I learned a lot of valuable info that will hopefully be implemented into our program- even beyond the youth room. Also, so many resources were collected that I’m ready to dive into- like curriculum and local service ideas. So my mission was accomplished.

What I wasn’t expecting was the personal stuff that God had planned. As the conference began, I quickly began to suspect I was the only person who attended solo. Anticipating awkwardness and hoping to meet and hang out with new people, I walked into the large main room with strategically designed stage, lighting, and a dj establishing atmosphere. Yeah, pretty much what I expected. Then there was the singing and praise and worship and- that was when God mentioned one tiny little fact-

“You haven’t been worshipping Me.”

me: “Of course I have, silly God. I worship during church every Sunday morning! Ok, so my mind is also on children’s sermons, lesson plans, and meetings, etc… but I also make sure to do some worship and praying in the car on my way there to prepare and make sure I cover my ‘worship quota’.”

God: “Yeah, try focusing right now withOUT those distractions and see what I mean.”

And what do you know- the Almighty God was absolutely correct. And I was glad I was alone while I broke down in tears in actual worship (because we know that if I was with a friend or church person, I would resist vulnerability like a kid rejects broccoli). Then God decided to address a few other issues.

You know when there’s a problem and someone pulls you aside to discuss it away from everyone else? That’s what this felt like. In the solitary confinement of my (quite comfy) hotel room, God talked me through reading, journaling, praying, listening, and addressing the big issues of the past year. It wasn’t instant complete healing- that process with continue to take time- but He demolished a big chunk of the wall I’ve been diligently building around my heart.

me: “So now what, God? We’ve established that I’m quite broken. Doesn’t that make me too defective to properly shepherd the precious young lives at church?”

And so we processed that one together the next day. A couple different speakers referenced the story of the woman at the well, and pointed out that she ministered to her entire town without being completely put together and without understanding all the answers. Furthermore, my experience with the dark struggles of bipolar disorder equips me to handle issues that many youth workers don’t understand or even fear. There’s no  way I could relate to someone who’s stranded at rock bottom if I didn’t reside there myself. But I have to get through to the other side in order for this to happen.

So I was feeling pretty good about things, and caught myself actually thinking (adventurously expectant, even) about the future- something I had previously given up. I felt ready for the evening’s speaker, Jamie Tworkowski from To Write Love On Her Arms. I knew that the subject matter would hit close to home (for the story behind TWLOHA, click here and scroll down). When Jamie said, “I don’t have the answers”, I wanted to say, “But you do!” The common thread between his story, my story, and even the stories of other people is this: when someone is in trouble, it takes a team of support LIVING active love to change or save a flailing life. He and his friends surrounded a girl in need, and took every possible practical step to walk with her to recovery. When I got lost this spring, my family of dear friends held onto hope for me when I couldn’t grasp it. They walked through every practical task, holding my hand to pull me up.

In “Christianese” we call this “being the hands and feet of Christ”. In straight-up English this means love in real-life action. We MUST do this- in ministry and outside the church walls- it’s not an option or going the extra mile. It is a requirement for people to live.

Holy cow, this is longer than intended. If I could, I’d give you a cookie for sticking with me and reading this far. But I had to tell you where I went this weekend. I’m the woman who went to a well for one purpose (youth ministry training), and left with unexpected living water. The only logical thing to do next is share with everyone who will listen.

Oh, and on the last day, I finally met a group of fantastic guys from West Virginia. So I even got to hang out with fun new people. It was worth the drive to San Diego, don’t you think?

the normalcy of busyness

The round-up:

Busy is good. Also, it appears that the current medication is actually working. These two elements combine to make something that resembles normalcy.

Busy consists of these things:

Work: October begins “holiday season” at church- harvest festival, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and all the fun details that go with them.  Additionally, I get to attend the National Youth Workers Convention in San Diego this weekend!

School: Nothing super interesting to report, just continuing the production class and the once-a-week-freaking-five-hour-long editing class. I still haven’t regained the enthusiasm I lost in the spring, but I’ll continue to give my best effort until it returns. Could it be that I just need a reminder that I can actually succeed in this industry instead of playing around with an unrealistic dream?

Theatre: “Job” opens next Friday. There’s not a lot of preparation on my part, just attending the final rehearsals and being on hand to run sound cues and the like. I think that makes me a little more nervous that usual. During a typical show, I’m focused on performing (or if not, tech-ing backstage). Now, all I can do is watch and hope the audience likes this project that has consumed our thoughts and energy for the past nine months. It’s not a feel-good musical romp that people are used to seeing from Masquer. It’s wordy. This semi-unfamiliar book of the Bible is not an easy read, so will it be understood when seen and heard? Will everyone zone out during the monologues and miss the message? Will the typical church person who attends a performance be accepting of the creep factor of Satan and his demons? Don’t misunderstand- I believe it’s a good show, and the actors are doing a stellar job with a big script (memorizing the complicated lines is a feat in itself!). And it’s exciting to watch the production unfold from just an idea to reality.

And the rest of it: Yoshi is making regular appearances at the vet this week- first for a bee sting and soon to get some baby teeth pulled before they cause additional health problems. Meanwhile, I’m brainstorming budget Christmas gift ideas, so if you crafty folks have any helpful websites or resources, please let me know. In unimportant time-wasters, Kelly and I diligently watched all 157 episodes of Desperate Housewives (from season one until the most recent) in preparation for this current (and final) season. The amount of time devoted to this project was both sad and amazing.

Overall, the fact remains that i’m still in a recovery process from the crash in the spring, and recovery is slow. But the normalcy of busyness seems like a good sign of hope quickly approaching on the horizon.

when i quit writing

There was so much I wanted to tell you, but I just couldn’t. Blame it on being busy, blame it on still trying to find the right balance of medication, blame it on the cycle that leads to depression, or blame it on laziness, if you want. But i just couldn’t write.

If it makes you feel better, my paper journal isn’t seeming much action these days, either. So you shouldn’t take my neglect personally.

I wanted to tell you about our kayaking trip in Long Beach. We swam with moon jellies and with my dive mask I could look at them from underneath (don’t worry, they don’t sting). The paddling back was quite a test of endurance, and God basically cleared His almighty throat and reminded me the truth in many of Paul’s letters. Endurance is not easy, but it’s necessary. As much as I want to give up  when everything seems hopeless, i canNOT stop paddling. One stroke at a time- even if it feels like there’s nothing left- but stopping is not an option.

In other animal news, I also wanted to tell you about feeding giraffes at the San Diego Zoo with my cousin, Bethany. Being so close, being seen by their big, kind black eyes, and touching their soft noses was a little bit amazing.

If entries were posted regularly, you would hear about the progress of of “Job” (we open in four weeks!), creating a Butterbear the Wuzzle costume for an 80’s cartoon party, my friend giving birth to twins, and Yoshi learning how to give high-five. There’d be stories about playing laser tag with church kids and dropping my phone in a toilet. I’d tell you how, after reading Ezekiel 46, I wondered if we’ve gotten the Sabbath all wrong. We think it’s all about what we DON’T do, that we forget the importance of what we DO. Not only do most of forget to even observe a Sabbath each week, we miss the point entirely. Yes, it’s about rest. But should there also be an element of honoring God or worship or something? I’m not sure what this actually looks like in “real life”, but back in the day, there was a lot of directions for how to worship. I wonder how that transfers to here and now.

Then, I might mention that the school semester has begun. I’m taking one production class and a (five-hour-once-a-week!!!) editing course. And for some reason, I’m not as enthusiastic about it as usual.

But maybe that’s because it feels like someone turned on a faucet of sadness, and then it got stuck. Trying to remember that “this, too, shall pass” is a little bit difficult when it takes every smidgen of energy to complete basic routine tasks. And that leaves very little inspiration to write. Besides, even if I am stuck in a cycle of ups and downs, that doesn’t mean everyone wants to hear about it. You can only watch the carousel turn so many times before you tire of seeing the same horses over and over and over again.

everything and nothing

When August arrives, it feels like the beginning of the end of summer. While we still experience warm weather well into October and beyond, when fall semester begins there is less time for summer activities. So while I still have three weeks left, it seems as if summer is almost finished.

I had a few goals for this time. Most of it was taking life slowly for a little bit, but I did want to learn to surf, go out on more dives, and get down to my pre-medication weight. I suppose there’s no official deadline for these things, but in three weeks I will return to the regular rush of work+school+theater+life in general.

But the slow days are not a waste. It’s important to me to make each day matter. If I close my eyes at night without accomplishing something worthwhile, it’s as if I’ve carelessly thrown away my day. This week, that has been in the form of adventurous bike rides around the neighborhood, teaching Yoshi new tricks, and watching Desperate Housewives on Netflix between workchurch tasks.

There a few things i can't (or shouldn't) share in a blog:
- details of daily bipolar struggles
- fights with family or friends
- issues i'm working out in therapy

That leaves little else to say for now. Lately, my life has been about the moments- like tasting a perfectly ripe peach from the farmers market or feeling the damp, clear air when I take Yoshi out first thing in the morning (or running from lawn sprinklers when I take her out for the last time at night). Then again, those are the moments that get lost in the shuffle when fall returns. Perhaps I should treasure them while I can.

it’s no wonder

Everyone knows the difficulty of returning to work after a long weekend. And I suppose I have no reason to even compare my flexible schedule with any 9-to-5-er’s. But that’s the only explanation i have for my scattered lack of discipline and motivation today.

We had a busy weekend celebrating Kelly’s birthday. On Saturday, we checked out the L.A. Zoo. There we met Reggie, the alligator.

I admire Reggie for his escapism skills and spirit of independence. A few years ago, he was spotted in a pond at a local park. He eluded capture many times, to the point where the city was calling experts, like Steve Irwin (who sadly died right before his trip to L.A.). When Reggie was finally caught, he was moved to a lovely home at the zoo- where he promptly escaped again. Seriously, I would love to have seen the look on the face of the zoo employee who discovered Reggie’s absence. As you can see, he was found and returned to his lovely zoo home, where he gets thousands of admiring visitors. And I think there’s even a children’s book about Reggie….

Sunday was a typical work day, with duties at church followed by a picnic with a neighboring congregation. Then I headed to Anaheim to attend rehearsal for “Job”. This was the first time seeing the staging since the initial table read. It’s amazing to watch actors breathe life into a written script. I’m very excited about the project and honored to have such a role in its production.

Yesterday was another first. Thanks to a fantastic deal on groupon, we took a boat to Catalina island!

Catalina is about 25 miles from the “mainland”, and you can see the outline of its mountains from our coast on a clear day. The main tourist-y town is called Avalon, and hosts shops and restaurants, as well as a theater and churches. People do live over there, so there is a school, golf course, and other life necessities. It reminded me of Lakeside, the little resort town on Lake Erie where we attended church conference each year- only this was Lakeside amped up quite a few notches.

On our day trip, we explored the area with a golf cart, swam a little by the beach, and had a tasty meal. One of these days we’ll come back for a weekend, and bring our snorkel gear. The water was so clear that while standing on shore, you could see the orange garibaldi swimming around. Also, there is a massive zip line that is begging me to try.

So now it’s back to summer as usual. I still have mixed feelings about the amount of free time during summer break for school. I feel like I should find a new writing project or something, but wonder if that defeats the purpose of slowing down until fall semester begins….

dog days aren’t over

Where is the line drawn between nurturing your dog and spoiling them?

A quick trip to the pet store today yielded a bag of food (plus samples! Centinela Feed & Pet Suppies has the best customer service!), two edible nylabones, and one durable nylabone. Why I didn’t get one more baffles even me. Of course, it only took Tootsie five minutes to devour her edible bone, with Yoshi clocking in at twenty minutes. I busted out the durable bone, and immediately remembered that these pups don’t like to share. There was only one reasonable course of action.

I walked to the store.

Nevermind that I’m still limping from a twisted ankle (slippery post office marble stairs + biking home + klutzy me). It didn’t matter that I’d already spent money on these creatures, or  that they already have existing toys. It was imperative that they weren’t fighting over the same new toy.

And that is how I found myself walking out of CVS with a “ruffin’ it DuraBone rubber dental toy.” Surely this would satisfy Tootsie, the Boston Terrorist and her sidekick, Yoshi the Young, for at least a few days.

I made a pit stop at Yum Yum Donuts on the way home. Just one soft donut sounded like heaven. And hadn’t I been burning calories through these walking errands? A family of three adults was in front of me, carefully selecting their variety of donuts through a rapid conversation in Spanish with the donut lady. During that time, I thought it wise to make my fat-filled choice to speed things up when it was my turn. That’s when I saw it- The FLY. It landed right next to the glazed-with-chocolate-icing I was carefully considering. That was the moment I turned right around to exit this house of sinful delights. Donut craving successfully eliminated.

I walked in the door, somewhat satisfied with the healthiness of my choice (as if I were strong-willed enough to resist temptation instead of just grossed out by unsanitary food). I unwrapped the precious new DuraBone, glad I had reached a canine compromise.

Seven minutes later, I was fishing rubber pieces out of Yoshi’s mouth and collecting the chunky remains of the so-called “Dura”Bone from Tootsie’s jaws of doom. So now we are back to sharing the original bone… at least until they destroy that, too.

And on that note, shall we end with a Plinky prompt?
“If you could banish any one person from your life, who would it be? Why?”

First impression: This is a cruel question.
Second impression: People are too precious to even consider this.
Third impression: Satan is the easiest answer. He’s a punk and screws up everything he touches. But Satan isn’t a person. So…. I got nothing. If I’ve learned anything from my recent drama, it’s that people are in our lives for a reason. I thought that other people’s lives would be better if I wasn’t in them, but that doesn’t seem to be the correct answer, either. The challenges now can change in a heartbeat. Maybe the question should be, who are you glad you included in your life?