June 22, 2009


There are a ton of people at our house, celebrating Father’s Day, a cousin turning three, and a sister in from out of town. A minute ago, i had to usher a group of kids out of my room. While I didn’t mind the high-schoolers using my computer briefly, i could do without the middle-schoolers eating chocolate cake on my bed spread and pre-schoolers grabbing anything they could reach to use as a toy.

I could try to describe the convoluted family tree, which includes my roommate’s extended family, her stepdad’s relatives, and beyond…. but it’s entirely confusing and not worth the hassle. While I am always blessed to be considered part of the family, selfishly, i am a bit sad to see my weekend already over. Most of yesterday was spent getting ready for today, and though there were many fun moments, i’m restricted in my activities. I feel rude not helping more (and will likely soon venture out of my sanctuary to gather discarded napkins and salvage recyclables). But at the same time…. unlike many here, i have a job that sucks up my week. Weekends are my only chance to do my own stuff. And next week is another family birthday party, so we might as well copy and paste this entry again seven days from now.

I suppose it’s pathetic to continue whining over this living situation. i SHOULD be counting my blessings


The next day…..

My writing was interrupted by a call to help clean, as predicted. This was followed by conversation in the backyard, and a good night’s sleep. When I re-read the previous paragraphs, i feel selfish, rude, and whiny (despite any elements of truth that are also included). The big picture includes good times with precious people, and every moment can’t be a picnic. It just doesn’t work that way. I am VERY, VERY blessed, and i have no right to ever forget that.

June 13, 2009

i have absolutely nothing to say

Isn’t this the stereotypical description of a blogger? Feeling all self-important for having a blog and writing with nothing of importance to say? Phenomenal.

I’m bored and irritated, and there is very little i’m in the mood to do. And a night with time to do anything i darn well feel like doing has been on my wish list for awhile. In fact, i purposely wrote “PLAN NOTHING” on both my large desk calendar and pocket planner. And the lazy day started quite well. I slept in. I did my chores when I got around to them. i ate when i felt hungry instead of when i needed something to lift my spirits or avoid something i didn’t want to do. There was even a casual wal*mart trip for essentials like deodorant and cat food (and non-essentials, like beads and body spray).

So when was the mood-killing crankiness birthed? Perhaps it was the moment that Sophia and I couldn’t decide which movie to see (who in America DOESN’T want to see “Up”?? i thought for sure that’d be a winner….). Or maybe it was my stupid decision to open my mouth and confess that i didn’t care about Jennifer Aniston’s love life? The beginning doesn’t matter as much as the end result- a fight and cancelled plans, leaving Saturday night devoid of both plans and the motivation to enjoy it (and i refuse to go into details about the argument, out of respect for my roommate).

i explored my options… nintendo, beading or other craftiness, painting, guitar-playing, reading, journaling….. but declined so not to create unoriginal emo-art of any sort. I settled on watching E! (perhaps some kind of pop-culture penance for the previously-mentioned Aniston gaffe?), but Chelsea Handler and Joel McHale did not satisfy the companionship i sought. And i ended up here, online, again.

Perk: chatting with a friend. :) Non-perk (what IS the opposite of perk?): discovering creepy website, lookupanyone-dot-com (i do NOT want to promote them). With just my first and last name (available to anyone any shred of search skills) and forty bucks, you can find a list of places i’ve lived (down to the “hometown” i’ve never actually lived in- people, i’ve moved more than ten times!), and relatives… they even have my grandmother’s name, and my mom and sister’s middle name. While I know the internet is one worldwide bulletin board, this just irritated me and creeped me out.

Where does that leave me? Still cranky and unmotivated, too early to sleep but too late to do anything, and one random blog entry.

June 09, 2009

step aside, tina fey

Time for another weekend update….

On Saturday, I had the opportunity to go hang out with my friend Jen, and her husband, Bob. They had flown all the way from the midwest to San Diego, so it only seemed fair for me to drive a mere couple hours south, right? y l

Not that San Diego is a horrible place to spend a Saturday. Bob and Jen were staying right near Seaport Village, a little tourist-y shopping area that I had yet to check out. They introduced me to a little restaurant on the water, but sadly there was little time to check out the shopping (which simply means I’ll have to return. pity.). But it was fantastic to visit with them! Jen belongs on my list of people-i-wish-i-could-spend-time-with-regularly.

Since I was in the vicinity, I also spent time with my friend Shelly. We randomly went to the San Diego zoo for the afternoon. Shelly used to work with me, and i’ve really missed her since she moved. So the combination of hanging out with her plus checking out the animals and zoo stuff was fantastic.

My little independent day trip was just happy. :)

But if that wasn’t enough to make for a good, high quality weekend…. rehearsal began for the next Masquer show the very next day! The cast reassembled (well, some of us) for more of a meeting than rehearsal. The Godspell-in-Texas production has been indefinitely postponed, and we will be doing a fundraiser dinner in September. While everyone (and hopefully some of you, hint, hint ;) ) is eating, we’ll be performing scenes from past and future productions.

After rehearsal, it was back to Sara and Ryan’s for dinner with everyone. It’s always good to be among amazing friends. Masquer time is just happy….

So after such a blissfully wonderful weekend, how could a wave of depression hit so hard? Why do i operate like this? I try to remind myself that it’s just brain chemicals gone askew, but that only goes so far to not feel like the world is caving in. I can ignore it and act like everything is normal- to a point. i’m still incredibly irritable at work, i still lack the desire to do anything (including the chest-high pile of laundry in my closet….. as long as i still have SOMEthing to wear, right?). Part of me wants to push to get out of the funk, while the rest of me knows it’s almost futile to try to force it to pass more quickly. The only solution i’ve found is a balance between laying in bed staring at the ceiling and forced acts of normalcy. Thank goodness for those theatrical skills. i’ll just act like i feel ok, until eventually i do.

But for tonight, i’ll listen to my melancholy playlist until i fall asleep.

June 03, 2009

am i missing it?

Supposedly, it's storming. This is the view from my office:

i was happy to take the mail down to the mailbox to see for myself what kind of weather was actually happening. Sure enough, rain (no sign of thunder or lightning). I took a deep breath to enjoy that cool, dampness... and got a big gulp of secondhand cigarette smoke. I fully support any measures to ban smoking in public places. I'm sorry if you smokers think I'm infringing on your rights, but you're infringing on MY right to oxygen.

Meanwhile, this weekend was pretty darn amazing:

Friday night- pay day! Translation: finally able to go to Target for groceries and necessities! Woot! To celebrate, Sophia introduced me to Chipotle. Which I liked, but perhaps the hype was more than necessary, since I wasn't wowed. At the end of the night, before bed, i mentioned to Sophia how much fun I had, and asked if she did, too. She said buying things she needs wasn't fun, but buying what we WANT. That struck me as interesting, because I wanted what I needed.

Saturday- HIKING! I happily anticipated this excursion for weeks. I hadn't been hiking since I moved here in 2003. To add to the tragic irony, I live five minutes from mountains with fantastic hiking trails. But until this weekend, I had no hiking buddies to ensure i wouldn't make headline news by getting lost. And it was an amazing day. The trip was challenging, but just enough so it was still very fun. I'm still getting to know the people I went with, so it was nice to spend time with good company. Beautiful scenery, fresh air, out of the city noise and craziness, no cell phones..... happy. We crossed streams (well, one stream multiple times) and enjoyed woods-y shade, walked over rocks in the sun, and took desert-like paths with plants that speared you if you weren't careful. Our destination was 4.5 miles in, a bridge that was once a work project in the thirties. Anything resembling "road" had long since been washed out by floods, and the project was abandoned before they got to the next important step- blasting through the mountain to give the bridge a destination. So now it is aptly named "Bridge to Nowhere" and serves as a bungee jump site. Check out my pics (there's a link off to the left side here labeled "my pics") for the incredible views!

Sunday- church in the morning, a quick spurt of house cleaning, then I got to hang out with my friend, Corina. It's rare for our schedules to match, so to celebrate, we explored and found the one Sonic in our area! Something else I've missed since 2003.... ocean water slushies! When I returned home, I discovered family gathering for a campfire in the backyard. Hot dog and marshmallow roasting were made complete with stories. Even Jolie came to sit on my lap and purr.

Is it any wonder I live for weekends?