May 26, 2009

long weekends are really short

Apparently, I'm some sort of weekend warrior, trying to jam as much awesomeness into as little time as possible. Memorial day weekend was no exception. The only thing I didn't do was take pictures. I really mean to do that again. When did I get so lame?

Saturday was Productive Day. I got my hair trimmed and the oil changed in my car. I got a few things at Kmart on my shopping list. I was convinced to tag along on a trip to Kohl's, and spent some quality time in the clearance section finding items I've been needing for awhile (haha, so what if my work shoes had a literal hole in the sole....).

Sunday was Dodger Day. A big group of Cali family members trekked to the stadium to watch our team lose to the Angels. Highlights included a homerun landing not too far in front of our stellar left field seats, entertaining drunk people, and some guy falling over the fence onto the field- only to be quickly pulled up by his ankles back into the stands by his friends. Bonus: i hear my nostalgic number one team (who i rarely follow from here), the Reds, beat the Indians. At least one of my teams saw victory.

Monday was Not Quite Lazy Day. After going to bed at 7:30 the night before, I slept soundly until ten am. The rest of the day I cleaned and did little things here and there, not-so-secretly hoping for something exciting to do. We ended up going to the movies to see "The Soloist" (good movie- recommended).

Now it's back to the routine. I'm trying to have a good, thankful attitude.

Jolie remains around... using this as her home base between wanderings. I feel cruel sometimes, not giving her attention like I used to. But she cries for attention outside long after dark, or at five am- not optimum times for me to just go sit outside and keep her company. I'm not sure how to be a good pet owner of an outside cat. i miss her napping next to me while I work or read, or curling up to sleep at night. Or playing fetch with her catnip mice or chasing the laser pointer. She's not interested in those things anymore, now that real hunting is an option. I don't want to be sad about her, so I detach under the guise of "she's happier playing outside". Then again, maybe she is, and she only misses me at dinner time (something quickly remedied with food).

On Saturday, I'm joining friends to hike in the canyon. I'm super excited about that, evidenced by the fact I keep thinking about it randomly. Perhaps I can revive neglected photography then. Seems appropriate, doesn't it?

May 22, 2009

biding my time and counting down

It is like all the crazy busyness at work came to an abrupt halt. Half the office is already gone, my coworker included. The rest of us finish up our work in relative quiet- a rarity for the station. It's likely I will be free in a couple of hours, though that may not do much for avoiding traffic... it's still awesome of my boss.

Anyone have fun weekend plans? Tomorrow i'm doing the responsible stuff... haircut, oil change, cleaning.... And Sunday we will be cheering on the Dodgers as they take on the Angels. As for Monday, I wish it could be a beach day. But since everyone goes there on holidays, it's not as much fun. I'm purposely making no plans in the name of relaxation. And I would be foolishly rude if I did not make mention of the reason for the holiday- remembering those who fight and sometimes even die for our benefit.

Yesterday I had an epiphany. Each day, I find myself more and more detached from my job, and i don't think it's mature or healthy. But there are a lot of good things about working at the station, and a lot of reasons I like it...... so yesterday I worked through various options concerning my car. It will be paid off by July, which is awesome. However, it's got over 117,000 miles on it, and I drive at LEAST fifty miles a day. Add to that the random problems from the past year, and a person has to wonder how much longer it will be carrying me from point A to points B-Z. Perhaps it's wise to trade it in while it has some value? But then I'll be back to square one with more debt..... It was then the epiphany occured: I cannot afford my job.

While I earn reasonable paychecks (especially considering how thankful I am to BE EMPLOYED), the live-with-Sophia's-family-and-pay-off-bills plan is quite slow-going. Factor in the company-wide salary decrease, and it's slower still. Her family is very generous and welcoming, but I do not want to take advantage of their hospitality. If I pay off my car (and it lasts), it's possible that I could move out by the new year. If I don't.... then I'm definitely not going anywhere quickly at all. And that doesn't seem right.....

Then, my moment of clarity reminded me of one minor detail.... my student loan payments increase in January. I think that's when my head hit the desk. Repeatedly. (Figuratively, anyway.)

I hesitate to type out all these financial details... it seems tactless, and I know there are people with bigger issues than this. But it's heavy on my mind. This is my space to write/thought process. And perhaps someone reading will have all the answers. Haha, or at least slap me back into reality with a "it's not that bad!".

Then my little bipolar self went to the extreme. What if I could just start over and build a happy little life? I considered all points... the fact that I detest being confined to an office all day, and that the constant sitting at my desk and in my car aggravated the back pain that is desperately trying to heal. Speaking of the commute, it's sucks two hours of my day and leaves me feeling glazed over and brain dead. Not to mention the expense of gasoline and auto maintenance. But Claudia is coming in August, and i need funds for that. And i still need to get contact lenses. What if I could live closer to the beach? A job near the beach with less driving.... I could get rid of my car altogether and just stick close to my happy beach-y home. I could get a bike! That'd be lovely, but what about church in El Monte and Masquer in Anaheim? Those are non-negotiable. What do I want to do? I want to start my mornings at a reasonable hour, with no rush. Maybe yoga, devotions, and a healthy breakfast? I want to write, freelance. Screenplays. Books. Commercials. Magazine articles. Anything. But how to get started without living in poverty? Would poverty be so bad? Actually, I could live with that. Living simply sounds lovely. But there's the whole matter of debt, and anyone who has cosigned on my debt. I could deal with the consequences of irresponsibility, but no one else should suffer on my behalf, especially after being so supportive.... Soon my head is swimming in a churning sea of questions, possibilities, and obstacles.

Of course, I pray. After all, God still sees the big picture, has all the answers, and has good things planned for me. I trust Him, i just don't always trust myself to make the best decisions. Last I heard from Him, I needed to take it a day at a time and let Him direct my steps. Am I rushing things? Do I just need to keep waiting? Or maybe I misunderstood? It's been two years since I walked away from normal adult independence... do i just keep waiting? Really? Then again, things can change in a day (but will they?).

At this very moment, i lack nothing. The Bible says not to worry about tomorrow, because each day has enough trouble of it's own (does it ever....). But am i irresponsible to sit back and stay in this perpetual holding pattern?

May 18, 2009



No one else seems to remember that line from “Oh Brother Where Art Thou”…. but it still makes me laugh.

Jolie has returned! Praise God! She showed up late last night, whining and really skittish. We think someone had her, but let her go when they saw our signs around the neighborhood. Of course, we gave her a warm welcome with lots of attention and treats. I put her old purple collar on her, figuring a collar at least is a signal that she has a home, even if she no longer has her i.d. tag (lost with her most recent collar). Within thirty minutes she was settled in, climbing the screen door, and irritating Sophia’s stepdad. And wouldn’t you know, she’s off again today. I can only sigh and know that if she survived two days away, she’ll be ok. Even if it was abruptly out of character…. Because it’s the best I can do.

Besides waking up to a missing cat, I opened my eye to a crappy headache this morning. Suspecting migraine, I popped a couple of ibuprofen, texted my boss and coworker, and tried to sleep it off. Hours later, it’s down to a manageable dull roar. While this suggests it’s not a migraine (yay), it’s a good reminder that I need to cut down on sugar, as it’s pretty much the guaranteed trigger.

During this day of rest and relaxation, we have rented movies from yesterday. Before the sort-of-predictable Desperate Housewives finale, we watched “Vicky Christina Barcelona” (rented because of the hype). I liked the style and some of the story, but the ending was a bit flat. And i’m really not sure why Penelope Cruz got an award… We just finished “Henry Poole Was Here” (rented for lack of hype). I really liked it, actual. Sometimes Luke Wilson’s acting is a little flat, but it was a good story with fun little details weaved in for flavor. This is recommended. Up later this week (or maybe today): “Rachel Getting Married” and “Young At Heart” (documentary about choir of old people who kick butt).

Meanwhile, all weekend effort to get sun to my legs has apparently failed. They are still a healthy shade of whitewash. Perhaps a full beach day is in order.

May 17, 2009

recent news

Have you seen me?

labor day 08 018

Jolie is missing!

Calico cat, a bit on the pudgy side,
mostly black with brown patches and white neck, tummy, and feet. Tan stripe nose.

Please call 626-260-2729
and let her people know she is safe!


Yesterday was the epitome of weekend. Random exploring, hanging out with Sophia and Daylene, playing in the ocean, Joe’s Crab Shack. But when all was said and done, Jolie was not waiting for me when I got home. She ran off on Friday, after being scared by the loud, mischevious, cat-threatening teenage boy cousins…. and no sign of her since. Of course, a newly-banished-to-life-outdoors cat will explore and be gone for hours at a time. But Jolie was still a homebody. She still meowed at the door for us to come hang out with us. She’s never been gone for this long.

When I looked for a new home for her, this was not what I had in mind.

May 09, 2009

another item in the museum of rarities

It’s Saturday, early afternoon. I am the only one home. The television is not on. I’ve finished my portion of the cleaning (vacuuming and dusting). I have a load in the washer, one in the dryer, and two more in the hamper waiting their turn to soak and spin. Meanwhile, my Jolie-desecrated carpet patiently waits its turn (and Sophia’s return home for assistance) to be cleaned with a borrowed steam cleaner.

I did have plans for today, but discovered a $100 error in my checkbook. The good news is that I am aware of it before I overdrew my account. The bad news is that I will be living until next Friday’s paycheck on level orange, conserving gas and every last penny by trying not to spend.

And for the record, I totally made up the level orange thing. But at this rate, such an emergency system might be wise, haha.

Breaking news: the family has returned. I am no longer alone and peaceful. In mere seconds, the television will be on at high volume.

It also seems my computer is not cooperating. Maybe i’ll write more tomorrow. Bah. i refuse to let a quality Saturday go to waste.

May 06, 2009

late night caffeinated musings

Ok, so it’s not really that late, it’s barely 10:30p. Today’s just been a long day of nothing, so it feels later than it truly is. Then again, I guess it’s not fair to call it nothing. Some noteworthy events took place. I’ve been upgraded to seeing the chiropractor in two weeks instead of one. This means that my back is healing, and I will spend half as much of my dwindling paycheck on back repair. I wrote a spot for a property management company with humor. I budgeted the aforementioned dwindling paycheck all the way through August, including plan to pay off my car possibly by July. I mailed the mother’s day gift my father, sister, and I collaborated on. And I just ended a sentence in a preposition and didn’t go back to fix it.

Wait. I can’t do it.

It should read “I mailed the mother’s day gift on which my father, sister and i collaborated.”

I know. It’s a sickness.

So I have only received music suggestions from Becca. Which is awesome. But i’m seeking variety. So even if you only recommend a song or two in the comments following this blog, it would rock.

I’m also accepting suggestions on how to pay bills without a desk job.

What? We’ve heard me whine about this before?

Claudia comes in 97 days. We start “Godspell” rehearsal in a couple of weeks. I am going to a Dodger game on the 24th. I just found out a friend from Kentucky college is pitching for them, and that is groovy.

And if anyone knows how to change the settings on my cursor on my laptop so it quits clicking things at random, I would seriously love you forever. And even send you a gift of some sort. I would’ve been finished writing this a long time ago if I didn’t have to keep fixing things.

Tomorrow co-workers and i are eating lunch at the park. Happy. Maybe i’ll invent other ways to escape linear-type life. Care to join me?

May 05, 2009

i shouldn't be so awake

I hung out with a friend last night. This friend is dear, but rarely near. And when she's in town, it's often a flurry of busyness before she flies out again. So a kick-back evening is a nice surprise. After a simple dinner and hours of talking, I left feeling encouraged and uplifted. I don't know that this is a result of the topics of conversation (though they were great and sometimes deep), but just the quality time with two hearts bound by the Holy Spirit.

God is teaching me about having a servant's heart, i'm pretty sure. And I'm failing at these lessons. Every day at work, tasks come up that make me grumble and cause frustration. Then I hear that voice-that's-not-mine in my head reminding me that I'm "in class" and it's a hands-on object lesson. For a moment, I acknowledge this and go about serving. Then I complain to someone. If I'm really doing well, I just complain in my head. Which means I'm complaining in my heart and I might as well voice it- it's just as bad. And I know that until i learn this lesson, I won't move forward. We all know how much I yearn to move forward (assuming, of course, that forward means free from the shackles of an office job to swim in the joy of my dreams). At the moment, it's me holding me back.... so when will I get it?? I suppose comprehending this in my head is the beginning of grasping it in my heart, followed by evidence in my attitude and behavior....

On a lighter note, I'm in the market for new music. My sister, Becca, sent me a cd a few months ago. I love it. And I love that it's Becca-flavored. Then I thought, what would it be like if I had random friend/family-flavored mixes? I'm not asking you to spend money or burn a cd or anything, but if you want to email a playlist to, iTunes and I will be overjoyed.

It's time to sort mail. I'm trying to infuse my day with reminders of free-spiritness. Maybe that will revive the inner Stargirl in me. I think I'll know for sure when I start playing guitar and writing songs and creating art again. For now, it starts with wearing a new fun piece of jewelry, taking walks at lunch, and blogging optimistically when I should be working instead.

May 01, 2009

wary anticipation

I eye the weekend with happiness and hesitation. I love weekends for the sleeping in, the flexible schedule, the freedom, and the chance to do things that I love to do, instead of need to do to earn a paycheck. This weekend is set strike for Masquer and helping Sophia and her mom with a jewelry party. These are fun things that I'm happy to do, but somehow I feel overwhelmed.

I haven't taken pictures in a long time. I don't know why, since I have a lot of fun doing so. But I haven't felt inspired.

Perhaps it's this month's random sickness... I had a cold, then back injury, then another severe cold/flu- accompanied with persisting back pain. Thankfully, my back is slowly improving each day. But I'm frustrated that I'm not normal yet. That I can't sit comfortably for any period of time. That I'm slower and less focused that I want to be.

But enough of the pity party. I've been doing that for too long!

I didn't intend this entry to be so me-focused. There are a lot of things on my mind, but too many interruptions have butchered my already waning thought process. Besides, the freeway could use another car during rush hour.