biding my time and counting down

It is like all the crazy busyness at work came to an abrupt halt. Half the office is already gone, my coworker included. The rest of us finish up our work in relative quiet- a rarity for the station. It's likely I will be free in a couple of hours, though that may not do much for avoiding traffic... it's still awesome of my boss.

Anyone have fun weekend plans? Tomorrow i'm doing the responsible stuff... haircut, oil change, cleaning.... And Sunday we will be cheering on the Dodgers as they take on the Angels. As for Monday, I wish it could be a beach day. But since everyone goes there on holidays, it's not as much fun. I'm purposely making no plans in the name of relaxation. And I would be foolishly rude if I did not make mention of the reason for the holiday- remembering those who fight and sometimes even die for our benefit.

Yesterday I had an epiphany. Each day, I find myself more and more detached from my job, and i don't think it's mature or healthy. But there are a lot of good things about working at the station, and a lot of reasons I like it...... so yesterday I worked through various options concerning my car. It will be paid off by July, which is awesome. However, it's got over 117,000 miles on it, and I drive at LEAST fifty miles a day. Add to that the random problems from the past year, and a person has to wonder how much longer it will be carrying me from point A to points B-Z. Perhaps it's wise to trade it in while it has some value? But then I'll be back to square one with more debt..... It was then the epiphany occured: I cannot afford my job.

While I earn reasonable paychecks (especially considering how thankful I am to BE EMPLOYED), the live-with-Sophia's-family-and-pay-off-bills plan is quite slow-going. Factor in the company-wide salary decrease, and it's slower still. Her family is very generous and welcoming, but I do not want to take advantage of their hospitality. If I pay off my car (and it lasts), it's possible that I could move out by the new year. If I don't.... then I'm definitely not going anywhere quickly at all. And that doesn't seem right.....

Then, my moment of clarity reminded me of one minor detail.... my student loan payments increase in January. I think that's when my head hit the desk. Repeatedly. (Figuratively, anyway.)

I hesitate to type out all these financial details... it seems tactless, and I know there are people with bigger issues than this. But it's heavy on my mind. This is my space to write/thought process. And perhaps someone reading will have all the answers. Haha, or at least slap me back into reality with a "it's not that bad!".

Then my little bipolar self went to the extreme. What if I could just start over and build a happy little life? I considered all points... the fact that I detest being confined to an office all day, and that the constant sitting at my desk and in my car aggravated the back pain that is desperately trying to heal. Speaking of the commute, it's sucks two hours of my day and leaves me feeling glazed over and brain dead. Not to mention the expense of gasoline and auto maintenance. But Claudia is coming in August, and i need funds for that. And i still need to get contact lenses. What if I could live closer to the beach? A job near the beach with less driving.... I could get rid of my car altogether and just stick close to my happy beach-y home. I could get a bike! That'd be lovely, but what about church in El Monte and Masquer in Anaheim? Those are non-negotiable. What do I want to do? I want to start my mornings at a reasonable hour, with no rush. Maybe yoga, devotions, and a healthy breakfast? I want to write, freelance. Screenplays. Books. Commercials. Magazine articles. Anything. But how to get started without living in poverty? Would poverty be so bad? Actually, I could live with that. Living simply sounds lovely. But there's the whole matter of debt, and anyone who has cosigned on my debt. I could deal with the consequences of irresponsibility, but no one else should suffer on my behalf, especially after being so supportive.... Soon my head is swimming in a churning sea of questions, possibilities, and obstacles.

Of course, I pray. After all, God still sees the big picture, has all the answers, and has good things planned for me. I trust Him, i just don't always trust myself to make the best decisions. Last I heard from Him, I needed to take it a day at a time and let Him direct my steps. Am I rushing things? Do I just need to keep waiting? Or maybe I misunderstood? It's been two years since I walked away from normal adult independence... do i just keep waiting? Really? Then again, things can change in a day (but will they?).

At this very moment, i lack nothing. The Bible says not to worry about tomorrow, because each day has enough trouble of it's own (does it ever....). But am i irresponsible to sit back and stay in this perpetual holding pattern?