me vs. the dark side

Life is racing by in a blur, and i’m not stopping much, really. Even my fun times are scheduled and my thoughts are often on the “next item on the list” instead of fully enjoying the current moment.

This has its perks, of course. The chemicals in my bipolar brain have set the dial to “depressive”. However, when I’m focused on tasks, I don’t have time to wallow in illogical emotion. While i’m not sure this is completely healthy, it’s a system that is currently working. I’ll stick with it for now.

Also, this time of year helps. I know the holidays trigger depression in some people, but I’m thankful not to be among them. The lights, music, and gatherings of friends and family give me something to happily anticipate. This is a good mood-lifter.

As is gift-giving. Truly, one of the best “cures” for depression is to quit thinking about yourself. Help someone in need or do something for someone you love, and your mood will be lighter. So thinking of, shopping for, and creating Christmas gifts makes my heart happier.

I also pull out the year-round mini-therapies…. singing while doing chores, silly websites like mylifeisaverage.com, spontaneous art projects at work, and of course, praise and worship. All of these things help, but the irrational melancholy seeps back in when i find myself in a quiet moment. The darkness is never completely gone.

So I push through the deadlines and projects…. some fun, some exciting, and some just necessary. Work is quite busy, the Masquer Christmas show opens Friday, and I’m still working on “Operation Torrance” and securing details like a class schedule and job necessities. Once the financial stuff is solid, then serious apartment-hunting can happen, and then there will be the joy of moving…..

I’ll still put a smile on my face. Misery might love company, but company is usually repulsed by misery. I remind myself that this sadness is “not real” and will pass. I focus on the greater truths and purposely look for joy.

But sometimes, i get weary of fighting the dark. So if you think about it, I could probably use a hug.

proof of my immaturity

At the end of the day on Friday, my sense of humor is hardly at its peak. My eyes and brain have glazed over from eight hours in front of a computer, and the thought of sitting in my car for an hour and a half does little to revive me. But i drag myself to the fifth floor of the parking garage knowing that each step is one step closer to home and away from the office.

But this particular Friday presented a surprise bonus. I had the privilege of using my fried brain for creative problem-solving in order to continue my homeward quest.

Pardon the darkness. I just had my cell phone in the parking garage. I did think this would better illustrate my dilemma than a written description. Also, you can’t claim I’m being overly dramatic… the space between our cars was barely wide enough for a person, let alone for a door to open. Also, in the background, you can see all the other empty spaces.

After climbing in my passenger side, I also snagged this photographic proof that the closeness was due to the Lexus SUV’s position, not my careful navigation into my own space.

 

After this, the next logical, calm, rational step was to drive away. And i almost did. But the irritated-at-coworkers-all-day, creative-thinking-spontaneous-child in me shouted loudly, “LEAVE A NOTE ON THEIR WINDSHIELD!”

And write I did:

Dear person who parked so close to me I had to climb in my passenger side-

I’m sure you were in a hurry and not a single other available space would do. and I understand that your decision to purchase such a large vehicle is now burdened with these pesky yellow lines that hinder your parking freedom. However, I did not receive the memo that I should refrain from wearing a skirt for easier access to my own compact car. Whew! Can you imagine if I had an SUV, too? The car-entry acrobatics would be worthy of Cirque du Soleil. Instead, I am leaving this reminder in hopes that your next victim parking-space-buddy has better luck.'

Have a great weekend! Enjoy your commute!

Sincerely, Barely-Squeezed-Into-My-Cavalier

 

Perhaps I could’ve just let it go.

 

 

But I, for one, felt better.

revealed

I almost did a mini-entry the other day, but thought it too short and rather silly. Something reminded me of my days in Kentucky. I used to hike in a little park near my aunt’s house (Yellow Creek? Yellow something….). After winding through wooded trails and chilling by a frog pond, I always ended up at a covered wooden bridge. Then I would lean over the rails and spit into the creek below (lady-like, eh?). I imagined that a little bit of my dna would mix into the water, and a little piece of me would be flowing downstream. When the stream’s water nourished the grass and flowers growing on its banks, a little piece of me would grow into the plants. And even when i left Kentucky, a part me would be left behind.

i realize how ridiculous this is, but it IS slightly poetic, yeah? Sadly, i think they “developed” part of that area anyway.

So i suppose it’s time to reveal the super-secret project. i intended to wait until everything was definite, but that could take a good deal more time. So take it all with a grain of salt and be prepared for the possibility that it still might not happen the way we imagine, ok?

It’s no secret that i’m burned out at work, that i hate (despise, loathe, etc) the daily commute, and student loan debt has imprisoned me in a life of “adulthood”. While i’m quite adept at complaining about these circumstances, the only way to escape is to actually DO something about it. From this was born the super-secret plan.

I am going back to school in January. El Camino College in Torrance has a pretty good film program. And since it’s a community college, it’s affordable and won’t require additional student loans. After being out of school (and the film industry) since 2005, it’s pretty impossible for me to get an entry-level job in production. The next step would be an internship, but those don’t pay anything (and i enjoy luxuries like shelter, food, and clothing. and my cell phone.). So returning to school will increase my skills and qualify me for a job in the field I’ve been working toward since i moved out here. And that’s my ticket out of my current growth-lacking career situation.

Of course, there are no night/online courses in this program. This means I will need a different job that accommodates a part-time class schedule. Also, Torrance is quite a commute- something I am also trying to eliminate. This brings us to the next step in no-longer-super-secret plan.

Torrance is desirable for a few reasons.
1) It is near the ocean. As in, right there.
2) There are production companies in the south bay area, so when it is time to look for work, I won’t have to worry about relocating again.
3) It’s between L.A. and Orange County, so it’s centrally located but not too suburban. I really like the area.
4) It will still allow me to be part of Masquer, my church in El Monte, and Sophia’s awesome family.
5) I already know a group of people who live around there.
6) It is near the ocean. As in, right there.

So I am currently looking for a job near Torrance that has a school-friendly schedule and pays enough for me to live. If you have any leads, please let me know. After the job is secured, the next step will be securing living arrangements. I already have some ideas on that, but am trying not to get ahead of myself.

The beauty of the school plan is that my loan payments are deferred while i’m enrolled at least part-time. So i’ll actually be a little more financially stable and able to pay rent. While I love Soph’s mom and stepdad dearly, I miss being able to completely support myself.

Of course, there is the risk of counting proverbial chickens before they hatch. There are a lot of “if’s” involved….
IF i am able to get into the classes i need.
IF i find a suitable job.
IF living arrangements come together.
and so on…..

But I am really seeking the Lord’s guidance on the matter. I truly feel that He has guided me this far and opened all the doors that lead to here. I have a peace about it, and it all seems similar to the spring of 2003 when I took the leap of faith and applied to APU from my dorm room in Kentucky. It wasn’t until I boarded the west-bound plane that it actually felt like solid reality. Sometimes it’s dangerous to have expectations. It leaves you too vulnerable to disappointment.

Maybe i’m a gypsy- a nomad who has to pack up and move every so many years. Maybe i’m an artist, bound to the dreams that fuel my spirit. Or maybe i’m another example of our generation’s stereotype- never satisfied and too pampered to accept the realities and responsibilities of adulthood in a cubicle. Then again, maybe the Lord uses dissatisfaction to shatter complacency and keep me moving through His path to His purposes.

 

P.S. i haven’t mentioned too much of this at work…. i’d rather have a job lined up before i put this one at risk (i like and need my paycheck). So work-buddies, can we keep that in mind? Thanks. :)