calculation

See, i’m being consistent. Today’s title is brought to you by “The Calculation” by Regina Spektor.

I started writing this a week ago, but got busy/lazy (there’s a fine line). Today is Saturday. It might be my last free Saturday for awhile, so I’ve tried to relax. I might have been too successful, as I have achieved that moment where boredom and laziness meet. You might remember the experience as a child, where you couldn’t think of a single thing to do that sounded remotely appealing.

My notes from the beginning of this entry a week ago were “last night, bike, coming week plans”. Let’s address them, shall we?

“last night”- This really means last Friday night, which was fantastically fun in many ways. I ditched Friday night traffic from work at the OC office to home in Azusa in favor of hanging out with a couple friends in that area. (Last night’s hellish hour-and-a-half crawl home confirmed that this was indeed a good decision.) The evening began with tuna melts, rock band, and general quality conversation. It ended at the beach, which is never a bad decision. I laid on the sand between two dear friends, listening to the waves keep rhythm as seals sang in the distance. Up above, stars danced between constellations. These are happy moments that I save to relive when things get bad.

“bike”- There’s a bicycle in the garage leftover from Soph’s stepdad’s sister. I rode it the other day, and it was crazy fun. However, I have been too lazy/busy to ride it since. Though i’m considering taking it out in a minute to enjoy the exercise before the week-long rain begins.

“coming week plans”- eh, this wasn’t too exciting. I worked. I did register to do extra work with Central Casting, and will try to make that happen at the end of next week. I’m back and forth between Glendale and Orange County as the January-month-of-transition continues. Oh, and rehearsals for the Masquer Easter show start tomorrow, so woot.

So I will leave you with a short devotional thing I wrote for my parents’ church in Ohio. Enjoy:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.”
-Proverbs 3:5-6

It’s that time again. Every so often, life seems to turn upside down. There are changes, decisions, and questions. It would all be so much simpler if God’s will were easier to understand. I’ve begged and pleaded for it all- a divine billboard, a heavenly roadmap, or some kind of meeting where God and I could sit down and discuss strategy. Instead, He hands me a jigsaw puzzle.
You don’t complete an entire puzzle at once, but piece by piece. You examine each part and focus on one area at a time. The edge pieces create the frame, while similar colors fit together. The top of the box acts as a reference, showing the whole picture and the final goal. And God works like that, too. He doesn’t give us a cross-country map, but step-by-step instructions. Sometimes He shows us the big picture, and other times, just enough so we know what to do with the pieces in our hand.
Remember Moses? If God showed him the big picture, Moses would never have known how to go from baby-sitting sheep in the wilderness to leading a nation to the promised land. Yet, his shepherd skills trained him to baby-sit the Israelite “sheep” wandering the desert all those years. God’s perfect method guided Moses from a burning bush to negotiating with Pharaoh, and all the way to the revealing of His glory.
My favorite part of a jigsaw puzzle is fitting the last piece in place and marveling at the completed picture. How much more amazing is each step of God’s journey when we’ve arrived at His big picture destination?

no place to hide

What if all my entries were titled after the song I listened to while writing? Today’s would be “No Place to Hide” by Alison Krauss and Union Station. Perhaps I shall try that. As a bonus, you can youtube the song and listen while reading to enhance your experience.

Or not.

So it’s 2010… and I’m going to pass on the resolutions this year. Let’s review last year’s, shall we?

2009 Goals: a progress report

1. Learn to play the piano. (did one online lesson, got too busy)
2. Develop daily and weekly habits of exercise, journaling, devotions, and creativity. This includes resuming tennis, guitar-playing, and yoga. (epic fail)
3. Find a way that my job is satisfying, therefore bringing in necessary money while not wasting precious moments of life on crap that doesn't matter. (this spills into 2010, as you’ve been reading)
4. Eat more salad. (I believe I’m eating the same amount of salad as 2008…)
5. Write a devotional. (started, but not substantial. will continue when life is less crazy.)
6. Pay off student loans by developing video game- or at least making major progress on the project. (gave up. i lack the skills and resources to make this happen. it looks great in my head, though. if anyone has skills/resources and wants to talk, let me know)
7. Beat the original Mario Bros. NES game. (success!!)
8. Fall in love (will need some assistance here). (epic fail. but that’s not my fault.)
9. Increase and improve drama ministry. (well, I joined Masquer and still did a couple of pieces at Calvary. I say, epic win!)
10. Do more for other people- more volunteer service time. (this actually kind of decreased. eek).

So I’m not ready to neglect the unfinished goals, but they are on the backburner to make room for “Operation Torrance”. I’m pretty wiped out trying to handle all the details of this transition as it is. But the point of resolutions/goals is just to spend your time productively and positively- which is what I am doing.

So, ya wanna know the status of all the changes? Here it goes:

I have transferred from the radio station’s Glendale office to our Orange County office, and am now a promotion’s assistant. While this means a cut in pay and hours, it’s doable (and it’s a JOB that I HAVE- the whole “bird in the hand is better than two in the bush” kind of thing).

This morning ended a long search for my social security card and other forms of i.d., the absence of which was preventing me from seeking a second job (you need these for the I-9 form in order to be hired in the U.S. See, working for human resources was not totally a lost cause. ;) ). I fully intend to register for work as a background extra within the next week. That should patch the holes in my financial plan, and i’ll be off and running.

As for school…. all the classes for the January term were full, so I’ll start the spring semester mid-February. This is fine, since we’re still working out the details of moving, and it’s saves me a crazy long commute in the mean time (ironically, the commute to the OC office from my current home is exactly the same as to my previous office…). Working less hours makes the budget tight, but it gives me an opportunity to handle these and other necessary details. Today’s day off allowed me to search our storage unit for my social security card and reorganize it so that things are accessible. I also had an eye appointment to take advantage of the remaining weeks of health insurance, and did three loads of laundry. Oh, and there was also a nap. :)

So I leave you with a poem/lyrics I wrote from my window-less desk a couple months ago, that I found today while cleaning. I’m not as depressed as it makes me sound…. and that’s partially because I’m still moving forward from the rut I was in when I penned the words….

other people’s songs inspire me to write
other people’s wrongs urge me to the the fight
someone else’s melody prompts my heart to sing
something has occurred to me- i’ve lost all my own things

do empty hands mean empty heart?
i have no words, there’s no more art
it used to flow from deep inside
i fear something in my soul has died

clean paper calls my name, aching for the words
every day the same- i’ve got only what i’ve heard
if their music calls to me, wakes my quiet heart
that’s the place where hope could be, waiting in the dark

do empty hands mean empty heart?
where are my words, please find my art
it used to flow from deep inside
please resurrect the me that died

songs and pictures, story lines
words and music, colors bright
locked away- but they’re still mine
help me bring them to the light

please fill my hands and fill my heart
with all the words and songs and art
let it flow from deep inside
so then i’ll know my soul’s alive.

tales from Christmas ambition

Question for bloggers who are also active on facebook/twitter: Do you feel like you have less to say in this forum after you've written there? Please discuss. 'Cause I kind of do.

I write this in my office at work, because my task list is complete for the day and there are 45 minutes remaining until my freedom. I have a self-induced headache from too many hours in front of the computer monitor and too much sugar in the form of Christmas goodies.

Tonight will be filled with more Christmas gift assembling. Homemade gifts are fun and endearing, but I'm running out of time. I don't want to rush and produce mediocre crafts just so someone has something to unwrap... i want to give something that will be meaningful. I AM proud to report that all items for far-away-folks have been shipped to arrive on time for Christmas. * curtsies *

Here's the "Operation Torrance" update for those who are wondering:

My last day in this office is January 4th. I start classes on the 6th. However, I won't know which classes until my registration appointment on Monday evening. I'm praying that the classes I need are available.
Once I get my school schedule, I will confirm my work schedule.
Once I confirm my work schedule, I will register for work as an extra with central casting.
And once all sources of income are securely in place, I will be able to move.

At least that's the current plan. If God shakes things up, it might change.... but for the better. I'm trying really hard not to stress out with so many loose ends fluttering in the breeze. And holiday busyness adds to the chaos.

Which reminds me- there's some Christmas cards I should be signing right now.....

me vs. lexus, round 2

Traffic in the morning is inevitable. Most of us are prepared with favorite cd’s or radio programs, or car-tasks like breakfast or applying make-up. Most of us just chill; we know there will be slow traffic and we’re prepared to be on the freeway for a pretty long time. You can only go as fast as the person in front of you, after all.

Most of us.

Then there are the others, who think that perhaps today will be different than any other day. They imagine themselves beating the system and arriving to their location in a magically timely manner. Perhaps they envision their vehicle as a helicopter, or at least a motorcycle. Traffic laws and common sense do not apply to this group.

One member of this group drove a maroon Lexus SUV. They ignored the solid lines of safety to abruptly exit the carpool lane and cut me, calm, law-abiding citizen, off. Then they proceeded to do the same to others, weaving in and out of various lanes in a twisted game of leap frog (or maybe frogger?), racing to get through the 210 parking lot before the rest of us. I watched and mumbled words of annoyance, then returned to applying eye shadow to the tunes of Air1.

A few miles down the road, traffic slowed even more. The cause? One maroon Lexus SUV pulled to the left shoulder of the carpool lane by a motorcycle cop. I almost rolled down my window to shout words of thanks to the officer.

I believe justice has been properly served.

me vs. the dark side

Life is racing by in a blur, and i’m not stopping much, really. Even my fun times are scheduled and my thoughts are often on the “next item on the list” instead of fully enjoying the current moment.

This has its perks, of course. The chemicals in my bipolar brain have set the dial to “depressive”. However, when I’m focused on tasks, I don’t have time to wallow in illogical emotion. While i’m not sure this is completely healthy, it’s a system that is currently working. I’ll stick with it for now.

Also, this time of year helps. I know the holidays trigger depression in some people, but I’m thankful not to be among them. The lights, music, and gatherings of friends and family give me something to happily anticipate. This is a good mood-lifter.

As is gift-giving. Truly, one of the best “cures” for depression is to quit thinking about yourself. Help someone in need or do something for someone you love, and your mood will be lighter. So thinking of, shopping for, and creating Christmas gifts makes my heart happier.

I also pull out the year-round mini-therapies…. singing while doing chores, silly websites like mylifeisaverage.com, spontaneous art projects at work, and of course, praise and worship. All of these things help, but the irrational melancholy seeps back in when i find myself in a quiet moment. The darkness is never completely gone.

So I push through the deadlines and projects…. some fun, some exciting, and some just necessary. Work is quite busy, the Masquer Christmas show opens Friday, and I’m still working on “Operation Torrance” and securing details like a class schedule and job necessities. Once the financial stuff is solid, then serious apartment-hunting can happen, and then there will be the joy of moving…..

I’ll still put a smile on my face. Misery might love company, but company is usually repulsed by misery. I remind myself that this sadness is “not real” and will pass. I focus on the greater truths and purposely look for joy.

But sometimes, i get weary of fighting the dark. So if you think about it, I could probably use a hug.

proof of my immaturity

At the end of the day on Friday, my sense of humor is hardly at its peak. My eyes and brain have glazed over from eight hours in front of a computer, and the thought of sitting in my car for an hour and a half does little to revive me. But i drag myself to the fifth floor of the parking garage knowing that each step is one step closer to home and away from the office.

But this particular Friday presented a surprise bonus. I had the privilege of using my fried brain for creative problem-solving in order to continue my homeward quest.

Pardon the darkness. I just had my cell phone in the parking garage. I did think this would better illustrate my dilemma than a written description. Also, you can’t claim I’m being overly dramatic… the space between our cars was barely wide enough for a person, let alone for a door to open. Also, in the background, you can see all the other empty spaces.

After climbing in my passenger side, I also snagged this photographic proof that the closeness was due to the Lexus SUV’s position, not my careful navigation into my own space.

 

After this, the next logical, calm, rational step was to drive away. And i almost did. But the irritated-at-coworkers-all-day, creative-thinking-spontaneous-child in me shouted loudly, “LEAVE A NOTE ON THEIR WINDSHIELD!”

And write I did:

Dear person who parked so close to me I had to climb in my passenger side-

I’m sure you were in a hurry and not a single other available space would do. and I understand that your decision to purchase such a large vehicle is now burdened with these pesky yellow lines that hinder your parking freedom. However, I did not receive the memo that I should refrain from wearing a skirt for easier access to my own compact car. Whew! Can you imagine if I had an SUV, too? The car-entry acrobatics would be worthy of Cirque du Soleil. Instead, I am leaving this reminder in hopes that your next victim parking-space-buddy has better luck.'

Have a great weekend! Enjoy your commute!

Sincerely, Barely-Squeezed-Into-My-Cavalier

 

Perhaps I could’ve just let it go.

 

 

But I, for one, felt better.

revealed

I almost did a mini-entry the other day, but thought it too short and rather silly. Something reminded me of my days in Kentucky. I used to hike in a little park near my aunt’s house (Yellow Creek? Yellow something….). After winding through wooded trails and chilling by a frog pond, I always ended up at a covered wooden bridge. Then I would lean over the rails and spit into the creek below (lady-like, eh?). I imagined that a little bit of my dna would mix into the water, and a little piece of me would be flowing downstream. When the stream’s water nourished the grass and flowers growing on its banks, a little piece of me would grow into the plants. And even when i left Kentucky, a part me would be left behind.

i realize how ridiculous this is, but it IS slightly poetic, yeah? Sadly, i think they “developed” part of that area anyway.

So i suppose it’s time to reveal the super-secret project. i intended to wait until everything was definite, but that could take a good deal more time. So take it all with a grain of salt and be prepared for the possibility that it still might not happen the way we imagine, ok?

It’s no secret that i’m burned out at work, that i hate (despise, loathe, etc) the daily commute, and student loan debt has imprisoned me in a life of “adulthood”. While i’m quite adept at complaining about these circumstances, the only way to escape is to actually DO something about it. From this was born the super-secret plan.

I am going back to school in January. El Camino College in Torrance has a pretty good film program. And since it’s a community college, it’s affordable and won’t require additional student loans. After being out of school (and the film industry) since 2005, it’s pretty impossible for me to get an entry-level job in production. The next step would be an internship, but those don’t pay anything (and i enjoy luxuries like shelter, food, and clothing. and my cell phone.). So returning to school will increase my skills and qualify me for a job in the field I’ve been working toward since i moved out here. And that’s my ticket out of my current growth-lacking career situation.

Of course, there are no night/online courses in this program. This means I will need a different job that accommodates a part-time class schedule. Also, Torrance is quite a commute- something I am also trying to eliminate. This brings us to the next step in no-longer-super-secret plan.

Torrance is desirable for a few reasons.
1) It is near the ocean. As in, right there.
2) There are production companies in the south bay area, so when it is time to look for work, I won’t have to worry about relocating again.
3) It’s between L.A. and Orange County, so it’s centrally located but not too suburban. I really like the area.
4) It will still allow me to be part of Masquer, my church in El Monte, and Sophia’s awesome family.
5) I already know a group of people who live around there.
6) It is near the ocean. As in, right there.

So I am currently looking for a job near Torrance that has a school-friendly schedule and pays enough for me to live. If you have any leads, please let me know. After the job is secured, the next step will be securing living arrangements. I already have some ideas on that, but am trying not to get ahead of myself.

The beauty of the school plan is that my loan payments are deferred while i’m enrolled at least part-time. So i’ll actually be a little more financially stable and able to pay rent. While I love Soph’s mom and stepdad dearly, I miss being able to completely support myself.

Of course, there is the risk of counting proverbial chickens before they hatch. There are a lot of “if’s” involved….
IF i am able to get into the classes i need.
IF i find a suitable job.
IF living arrangements come together.
and so on…..

But I am really seeking the Lord’s guidance on the matter. I truly feel that He has guided me this far and opened all the doors that lead to here. I have a peace about it, and it all seems similar to the spring of 2003 when I took the leap of faith and applied to APU from my dorm room in Kentucky. It wasn’t until I boarded the west-bound plane that it actually felt like solid reality. Sometimes it’s dangerous to have expectations. It leaves you too vulnerable to disappointment.

Maybe i’m a gypsy- a nomad who has to pack up and move every so many years. Maybe i’m an artist, bound to the dreams that fuel my spirit. Or maybe i’m another example of our generation’s stereotype- never satisfied and too pampered to accept the realities and responsibilities of adulthood in a cubicle. Then again, maybe the Lord uses dissatisfaction to shatter complacency and keep me moving through His path to His purposes.

 

P.S. i haven’t mentioned too much of this at work…. i’d rather have a job lined up before i put this one at risk (i like and need my paycheck). So work-buddies, can we keep that in mind? Thanks. :) 

today counted

Sometimes… ok, most days….. i must make sure my day was worthwhile before i go to sleep at night. My tummy ties itself in knots with regret if i just wasted a good twenty hours sitting in front of a computer, commuting, and other mindlessness. i know it seems silly and melodramatic, but life is too short and precious to let even a day go without at least one significant moment. I sincerely believe that with every ounce of my heart.

The hope contained in super-secret-project seems to be a figurative lifeline from the soul-killing days in my windowless office. Also, combined with focus on the Lord and mass amounts of creativity, I continue to dwell in the happy, balanced, in-between place between mania and depression. And the villagers rejoiced.

I used to keep a journal of happy thoughts. In a spiral notebook with a tie-dye cover, I would write down everything good that happened in a day. It would remind me of the little festive things we tend to forget soon after they occur. It also helped me maintain perspective when the depression got out of hand. I recommend this practice to every single person on the planet.

Remember when my little sister, Claudia, was super young and she would count up the good and bad things at the end of the day before declaring what kind of day it was? She’s proof that awesomeness is something with which you’re born, I think.

A co-worker recently encouraged me to read “Living Artfully” by Sandra Magsamen. The premise is being creative in our daily lives, and using that creativity to bless others. Honestly, it’s kind of preaching to the choir. But it does provide some fun new project ideas and reminds me to take note of the artful ways I live.

So I went to sleep peacefully last night because yesterday counted. I was super productive and was satisfied on the progress made on the the to-do list. I spent my lunch break recycling the office cans for causes, and God used me (well, my phone) to aid in an emergency (such a privilege to be His hands and feet!!). And i was artful when I tried a new recipe for peanut butter banana muffins… bonus points for successfully baking.

Today counted, too. I shared some of the muffins and everyone survived. I spent lunch break with my friend, Dea, on my first geocache mission. My boss surprised us by providing a very yummy lunch…. and bringing in cornbread. I listened to new music- the New Moon soundtrack- during the evening commute. Then I showed Sophia how to do geocaching on a late night mission.

Tomorrow has promise of counting as well. A second geocache mission is planned. There are special guests visiting the station. And in the evening, I’ll have a chance to work on some church projects.

Life may not be all sunshine and lollipops, but i’m sure doing everything i can to make the best of it.

golden days

i got a lot done today. i did my share of the house cleaning, made copies at Staples, and obtained needed items from CVS and the 99-cent store. i was supposed to walk in a parade and help with a booth at the city Golden Days festival, but those services ended up being unnecessary. Oh, and I finished a novel this morning (“Dancing with Butterflies” by Reyna Grande, if you’re wondering. And no, it wasn’t that good.).

I’m starting to get sleepy, but determined to stay awake to see Regina Spektor on SNL. I contemplated a nap, but once I’m out, i’m done for the day. It’s these special moments that make me wish I better tolerated caffeine.   

I wish I had something deep and meaningful to say. Remember when I mentioned big changes in October? I’m working on a super-secret project that I’m not quite ready to share yet. I’m not trying to be dramatic, but it’s sort of like when you take your driver’s test. I’m not sure it’s going to work out, and I don’t want to have to announce my failure to the world.

Other current projects vying for my time and energy: beginning rehearsal for “Home for Christmas” (Masquer), putting together a stage adaptation of “The Creation” by James Weldon Johnson (church drama ministry… and yes, that’s the Mr. Perry piece), helping prep for Kids Kingdom events, like the Harvest Fest and Disciple Awards, and thinking about Christmas projects (creativity takes time).

Upcoming events: Disneyland for Sophia’s birthday and Regina Spektor at the Greek.

I'm coming down from a manic period, and dwell in that comfortable in-between time that resembles normalcy. Unfortunately, this means that depression is headed my way. I’m doing everything I can to postpone, manage, or even avoid it all together (i can dream), and creativity is often helpful…. in addition to prayer, reading the Word often, and surrounding myself with encouraging friends. But as always, I worry that the black cloud of depression will drive said friends to annoyance or energy drain.

And on that happy note, i think I’m going to watch “A Mighty Wind” until it’s time for everyone’s favorite weekend sketch comedy.

new beginnings

Oh, October. I vowed you would be a significant month. And you still have potential, despite my dissatisfaction.

September ended pretty well. The show was fabulous, though over so quickly after only one night’s performance. Rehearsal for the next show (I’ll Be Home for Christmas) starts tomorrow. And i’m working on a piece for church as well. So yay for the theatrical portion of my existence.

On the health front, this is supposed to be my month of increased exercise. Thus far, it has been the month of fail. I’m not ready to give up after only three days, but i need some serious help. I seriously attempted to wake up at 5:30am to start my day positively. However, I positively turned off my alarm and overslept. The world might as well face the fact that I am not and cannot possibly ever be a morning person. My next plan of attack was to do something exercise-y in the evenings after work. Unfortunately, the hour spent in traffic zapped any remaining energy and motivation, and my only activity involved repetitions of raising the remote to the tv to turn the channel. I have a couple fitness dvd’s with fifteen-minute workouts, but no space in my room to try them. I also have a fitness ball, though it’s only good for super-short stretches before my back really hurts (there’s irony. My back problems stem from too much sitting time and too much driving. you think any activity would be an improvement). My tennis buddy and i can’t seem to coordinate our schedules. Taking a walk after dark seems a bad idea by myself, but Sophia’s my only local friend and her ankle is still recovering from the accident. None of these things are valid excuses, I could be creative and find SOME way, even if i got on the floor right now and did crunches. This are just all the obstacles I’m encountering. And not a single calorie is burned trying to get around them.

In the meantime, I am trying to continue the theme of less complaining and more proactivity. I hesitate to lay out every detail in the process, because i’m really not so confident in their direction so far. But i am happy to report I’ve put in some applications and have a tentative goal in mind- God approving, of course.