me vs. the dark side

Life is racing by in a blur, and i’m not stopping much, really. Even my fun times are scheduled and my thoughts are often on the “next item on the list” instead of fully enjoying the current moment.

This has its perks, of course. The chemicals in my bipolar brain have set the dial to “depressive”. However, when I’m focused on tasks, I don’t have time to wallow in illogical emotion. While i’m not sure this is completely healthy, it’s a system that is currently working. I’ll stick with it for now.

Also, this time of year helps. I know the holidays trigger depression in some people, but I’m thankful not to be among them. The lights, music, and gatherings of friends and family give me something to happily anticipate. This is a good mood-lifter.

As is gift-giving. Truly, one of the best “cures” for depression is to quit thinking about yourself. Help someone in need or do something for someone you love, and your mood will be lighter. So thinking of, shopping for, and creating Christmas gifts makes my heart happier.

I also pull out the year-round mini-therapies…. singing while doing chores, silly websites like mylifeisaverage.com, spontaneous art projects at work, and of course, praise and worship. All of these things help, but the irrational melancholy seeps back in when i find myself in a quiet moment. The darkness is never completely gone.

So I push through the deadlines and projects…. some fun, some exciting, and some just necessary. Work is quite busy, the Masquer Christmas show opens Friday, and I’m still working on “Operation Torrance” and securing details like a class schedule and job necessities. Once the financial stuff is solid, then serious apartment-hunting can happen, and then there will be the joy of moving…..

I’ll still put a smile on my face. Misery might love company, but company is usually repulsed by misery. I remind myself that this sadness is “not real” and will pass. I focus on the greater truths and purposely look for joy.

But sometimes, i get weary of fighting the dark. So if you think about it, I could probably use a hug.

proof of my immaturity

At the end of the day on Friday, my sense of humor is hardly at its peak. My eyes and brain have glazed over from eight hours in front of a computer, and the thought of sitting in my car for an hour and a half does little to revive me. But i drag myself to the fifth floor of the parking garage knowing that each step is one step closer to home and away from the office.

But this particular Friday presented a surprise bonus. I had the privilege of using my fried brain for creative problem-solving in order to continue my homeward quest.

Pardon the darkness. I just had my cell phone in the parking garage. I did think this would better illustrate my dilemma than a written description. Also, you can’t claim I’m being overly dramatic… the space between our cars was barely wide enough for a person, let alone for a door to open. Also, in the background, you can see all the other empty spaces.

After climbing in my passenger side, I also snagged this photographic proof that the closeness was due to the Lexus SUV’s position, not my careful navigation into my own space.

 

After this, the next logical, calm, rational step was to drive away. And i almost did. But the irritated-at-coworkers-all-day, creative-thinking-spontaneous-child in me shouted loudly, “LEAVE A NOTE ON THEIR WINDSHIELD!”

And write I did:

Dear person who parked so close to me I had to climb in my passenger side-

I’m sure you were in a hurry and not a single other available space would do. and I understand that your decision to purchase such a large vehicle is now burdened with these pesky yellow lines that hinder your parking freedom. However, I did not receive the memo that I should refrain from wearing a skirt for easier access to my own compact car. Whew! Can you imagine if I had an SUV, too? The car-entry acrobatics would be worthy of Cirque du Soleil. Instead, I am leaving this reminder in hopes that your next victim parking-space-buddy has better luck.'

Have a great weekend! Enjoy your commute!

Sincerely, Barely-Squeezed-Into-My-Cavalier

 

Perhaps I could’ve just let it go.

 

 

But I, for one, felt better.

revealed

I almost did a mini-entry the other day, but thought it too short and rather silly. Something reminded me of my days in Kentucky. I used to hike in a little park near my aunt’s house (Yellow Creek? Yellow something….). After winding through wooded trails and chilling by a frog pond, I always ended up at a covered wooden bridge. Then I would lean over the rails and spit into the creek below (lady-like, eh?). I imagined that a little bit of my dna would mix into the water, and a little piece of me would be flowing downstream. When the stream’s water nourished the grass and flowers growing on its banks, a little piece of me would grow into the plants. And even when i left Kentucky, a part me would be left behind.

i realize how ridiculous this is, but it IS slightly poetic, yeah? Sadly, i think they “developed” part of that area anyway.

So i suppose it’s time to reveal the super-secret project. i intended to wait until everything was definite, but that could take a good deal more time. So take it all with a grain of salt and be prepared for the possibility that it still might not happen the way we imagine, ok?

It’s no secret that i’m burned out at work, that i hate (despise, loathe, etc) the daily commute, and student loan debt has imprisoned me in a life of “adulthood”. While i’m quite adept at complaining about these circumstances, the only way to escape is to actually DO something about it. From this was born the super-secret plan.

I am going back to school in January. El Camino College in Torrance has a pretty good film program. And since it’s a community college, it’s affordable and won’t require additional student loans. After being out of school (and the film industry) since 2005, it’s pretty impossible for me to get an entry-level job in production. The next step would be an internship, but those don’t pay anything (and i enjoy luxuries like shelter, food, and clothing. and my cell phone.). So returning to school will increase my skills and qualify me for a job in the field I’ve been working toward since i moved out here. And that’s my ticket out of my current growth-lacking career situation.

Of course, there are no night/online courses in this program. This means I will need a different job that accommodates a part-time class schedule. Also, Torrance is quite a commute- something I am also trying to eliminate. This brings us to the next step in no-longer-super-secret plan.

Torrance is desirable for a few reasons.
1) It is near the ocean. As in, right there.
2) There are production companies in the south bay area, so when it is time to look for work, I won’t have to worry about relocating again.
3) It’s between L.A. and Orange County, so it’s centrally located but not too suburban. I really like the area.
4) It will still allow me to be part of Masquer, my church in El Monte, and Sophia’s awesome family.
5) I already know a group of people who live around there.
6) It is near the ocean. As in, right there.

So I am currently looking for a job near Torrance that has a school-friendly schedule and pays enough for me to live. If you have any leads, please let me know. After the job is secured, the next step will be securing living arrangements. I already have some ideas on that, but am trying not to get ahead of myself.

The beauty of the school plan is that my loan payments are deferred while i’m enrolled at least part-time. So i’ll actually be a little more financially stable and able to pay rent. While I love Soph’s mom and stepdad dearly, I miss being able to completely support myself.

Of course, there is the risk of counting proverbial chickens before they hatch. There are a lot of “if’s” involved….
IF i am able to get into the classes i need.
IF i find a suitable job.
IF living arrangements come together.
and so on…..

But I am really seeking the Lord’s guidance on the matter. I truly feel that He has guided me this far and opened all the doors that lead to here. I have a peace about it, and it all seems similar to the spring of 2003 when I took the leap of faith and applied to APU from my dorm room in Kentucky. It wasn’t until I boarded the west-bound plane that it actually felt like solid reality. Sometimes it’s dangerous to have expectations. It leaves you too vulnerable to disappointment.

Maybe i’m a gypsy- a nomad who has to pack up and move every so many years. Maybe i’m an artist, bound to the dreams that fuel my spirit. Or maybe i’m another example of our generation’s stereotype- never satisfied and too pampered to accept the realities and responsibilities of adulthood in a cubicle. Then again, maybe the Lord uses dissatisfaction to shatter complacency and keep me moving through His path to His purposes.

 

P.S. i haven’t mentioned too much of this at work…. i’d rather have a job lined up before i put this one at risk (i like and need my paycheck). So work-buddies, can we keep that in mind? Thanks. :) 

today counted

Sometimes… ok, most days….. i must make sure my day was worthwhile before i go to sleep at night. My tummy ties itself in knots with regret if i just wasted a good twenty hours sitting in front of a computer, commuting, and other mindlessness. i know it seems silly and melodramatic, but life is too short and precious to let even a day go without at least one significant moment. I sincerely believe that with every ounce of my heart.

The hope contained in super-secret-project seems to be a figurative lifeline from the soul-killing days in my windowless office. Also, combined with focus on the Lord and mass amounts of creativity, I continue to dwell in the happy, balanced, in-between place between mania and depression. And the villagers rejoiced.

I used to keep a journal of happy thoughts. In a spiral notebook with a tie-dye cover, I would write down everything good that happened in a day. It would remind me of the little festive things we tend to forget soon after they occur. It also helped me maintain perspective when the depression got out of hand. I recommend this practice to every single person on the planet.

Remember when my little sister, Claudia, was super young and she would count up the good and bad things at the end of the day before declaring what kind of day it was? She’s proof that awesomeness is something with which you’re born, I think.

A co-worker recently encouraged me to read “Living Artfully” by Sandra Magsamen. The premise is being creative in our daily lives, and using that creativity to bless others. Honestly, it’s kind of preaching to the choir. But it does provide some fun new project ideas and reminds me to take note of the artful ways I live.

So I went to sleep peacefully last night because yesterday counted. I was super productive and was satisfied on the progress made on the the to-do list. I spent my lunch break recycling the office cans for causes, and God used me (well, my phone) to aid in an emergency (such a privilege to be His hands and feet!!). And i was artful when I tried a new recipe for peanut butter banana muffins… bonus points for successfully baking.

Today counted, too. I shared some of the muffins and everyone survived. I spent lunch break with my friend, Dea, on my first geocache mission. My boss surprised us by providing a very yummy lunch…. and bringing in cornbread. I listened to new music- the New Moon soundtrack- during the evening commute. Then I showed Sophia how to do geocaching on a late night mission.

Tomorrow has promise of counting as well. A second geocache mission is planned. There are special guests visiting the station. And in the evening, I’ll have a chance to work on some church projects.

Life may not be all sunshine and lollipops, but i’m sure doing everything i can to make the best of it.

golden days

i got a lot done today. i did my share of the house cleaning, made copies at Staples, and obtained needed items from CVS and the 99-cent store. i was supposed to walk in a parade and help with a booth at the city Golden Days festival, but those services ended up being unnecessary. Oh, and I finished a novel this morning (“Dancing with Butterflies” by Reyna Grande, if you’re wondering. And no, it wasn’t that good.).

I’m starting to get sleepy, but determined to stay awake to see Regina Spektor on SNL. I contemplated a nap, but once I’m out, i’m done for the day. It’s these special moments that make me wish I better tolerated caffeine.   

I wish I had something deep and meaningful to say. Remember when I mentioned big changes in October? I’m working on a super-secret project that I’m not quite ready to share yet. I’m not trying to be dramatic, but it’s sort of like when you take your driver’s test. I’m not sure it’s going to work out, and I don’t want to have to announce my failure to the world.

Other current projects vying for my time and energy: beginning rehearsal for “Home for Christmas” (Masquer), putting together a stage adaptation of “The Creation” by James Weldon Johnson (church drama ministry… and yes, that’s the Mr. Perry piece), helping prep for Kids Kingdom events, like the Harvest Fest and Disciple Awards, and thinking about Christmas projects (creativity takes time).

Upcoming events: Disneyland for Sophia’s birthday and Regina Spektor at the Greek.

I'm coming down from a manic period, and dwell in that comfortable in-between time that resembles normalcy. Unfortunately, this means that depression is headed my way. I’m doing everything I can to postpone, manage, or even avoid it all together (i can dream), and creativity is often helpful…. in addition to prayer, reading the Word often, and surrounding myself with encouraging friends. But as always, I worry that the black cloud of depression will drive said friends to annoyance or energy drain.

And on that happy note, i think I’m going to watch “A Mighty Wind” until it’s time for everyone’s favorite weekend sketch comedy.

new beginnings

Oh, October. I vowed you would be a significant month. And you still have potential, despite my dissatisfaction.

September ended pretty well. The show was fabulous, though over so quickly after only one night’s performance. Rehearsal for the next show (I’ll Be Home for Christmas) starts tomorrow. And i’m working on a piece for church as well. So yay for the theatrical portion of my existence.

On the health front, this is supposed to be my month of increased exercise. Thus far, it has been the month of fail. I’m not ready to give up after only three days, but i need some serious help. I seriously attempted to wake up at 5:30am to start my day positively. However, I positively turned off my alarm and overslept. The world might as well face the fact that I am not and cannot possibly ever be a morning person. My next plan of attack was to do something exercise-y in the evenings after work. Unfortunately, the hour spent in traffic zapped any remaining energy and motivation, and my only activity involved repetitions of raising the remote to the tv to turn the channel. I have a couple fitness dvd’s with fifteen-minute workouts, but no space in my room to try them. I also have a fitness ball, though it’s only good for super-short stretches before my back really hurts (there’s irony. My back problems stem from too much sitting time and too much driving. you think any activity would be an improvement). My tennis buddy and i can’t seem to coordinate our schedules. Taking a walk after dark seems a bad idea by myself, but Sophia’s my only local friend and her ankle is still recovering from the accident. None of these things are valid excuses, I could be creative and find SOME way, even if i got on the floor right now and did crunches. This are just all the obstacles I’m encountering. And not a single calorie is burned trying to get around them.

In the meantime, I am trying to continue the theme of less complaining and more proactivity. I hesitate to lay out every detail in the process, because i’m really not so confident in their direction so far. But i am happy to report I’ve put in some applications and have a tentative goal in mind- God approving, of course.

slow

I walked through twenty-one days without meat, sugar, dairy (minus protein-filled cheese), and fried food- but full of prayer and God-focus. It also began as a respectful demand for answers. It's no secret that my current life-situation has many imperfections, and I wanted to be proactive but still in-line with God's will.

Perhaps I fell for the misconception that if we do what God wants, He'll give us what we want. After all, it works that way with the rest of the world. Why not utilize social networking with the Most High? If God's for us, who can be against us, right? Apparently, that's not exactly how obedience works.

Remember that old song, "Trust and Obey"? I used to think it was a divine "because I said so". Just do what God says and believe it's the best, because He is good, after all. This is still true, but maybe there's another element to the process. I think perhaps we have it flipped around- it should be "Obey and Trust". Because if we are following God's instruction and direction, we know for sure we are in the right place. We also know that we'll see His promises. But this is not because we uphold our end of the bargain. Instead, it is because these instructions are the path TO the promises. Just as following assembly instructions leads to the finished product, God gives us the directions to His blessings. So the obedience makes the trusting possible.

So how does this apply to all those questions I handed God on September 1st?

Sadly, He hasn't handed me magic answers in return. And there haven't been any miraculous job offers or financial windfalls. I admit I half expected that to happen (it has for other people, so why not?). But i'm not anxious about it, either. I DO know He has it under control, and I actually trust Him that it's a good thing in perfect timing. And by "know", I really believe it- rather than just admitting it's the right answer regardless of my personal feelings. Instead of feeling the pressure to scour job listings, I cruise through them and wait patiently for the right opportunity. I'm staying in close communication with the Holy Spirit, and asking for discernment in regard to any major decisions. Instead of spending my hour-each-way in traffic desperately trying to think outside of the box for a new creative solution to all of life's obstacles, I substitute praise and worship and a lot of prayer- and listening. Just because my fast ended after 21 days, doesn't mean that answers must appear in the same time-frame.

So when I discovered my student loan payments are dramatically increasing in December, I didn't worry. And the news that the new income-based repayment plans do not apply to the majority of my loans didn't trigger a panic attack (ok, maybe a little bitterness, but i'm still a work in progress). I will still be proactive, but I realize there's not as much in my control as I'd like to believe- and that's ok. There's no use stressing over my living situation until I have another job, so my energy will be focused there instead.

Also, the fast provided an opportunity to "detox" and reset my body a little bit. I didn't crave sweets like I thought I would, but I sorely missed the protein from chicken and seafood (that's right, even deprivation doesn't make pork or beef sound the least bit tantalizing). This might be the start of new habits free of fried food or excessive sugar. And once I get the protein back into my system, I intend to up the exercise quotient very seriously. Stay tuned in October for details. :)

So it seems September's big changes were meant to lay a sturdy foundation for an improving lifestyle. I'll finish the month happily focusing on this weekend's Masquer show (see me for tickets!!), then taking a few days to rest and enjoy before kicking into high gear in October!

surrounding blur

Today, i tried to describe my current state to a friend. She said it sounded like “Garden State”, where Zach Braff is medicated. This is accurate, but I’m not proud of it.

Thankfully, I’m not medicated, but I have been in the past. And this definitely feel similar- a numb feeling while the world passes by in a blur. The post-vacation buzz is definitely wearing thin, and the mind-dulling routine is taking its course. Regardless, I am doing all I can to fight through it.

The Daniel fast continues, and it’s going pretty well. Strangely, I’m not craving sweets. Though today I would’ve considered trading my birthright for Long John Silver’s. Go figure. My current revelation is that I’m pretty selfish, and might have gone into this period of prayer and fasting with pretty selfish motives. Perhaps I should simply do this to please God, and trust Him with the details of my life. While it’s easy to write that sentence in plain Christianese, actually living that attitude genuinely is a challenge. I am pretty self-absorbed- more than I realized.

In daily news, there’s really not that much to report. The fires are reaching containment, thankfully. I think the So Cal firefighters deserve a place of extreme respect right next to the men and women serving in our military….. The Masquer show is coming along, and is now at the stage of perfecting and becoming excited to perform for an audience. It does feel odd that it’s only a one-night run. Months of hard work will be complete in only a few short hours. Of course, if you don’t want to miss it, please email me asap for tickets. ;)

Today, I got my ticket for next month’s Regina Spektor concert. It’s still weird that i’m going by myself, but i’m going AND i got a great seat. So we’ll just chalk it up to liberated living and enjoy it. :)

Last night, I was asked to dance in our church Christmas performance. I said yes without even thinking. As I drove home, I thought it interesting that in less than a year, I’ve gone from feeling intimidated at the dance supply store to actually being asked to dance in front of actual, live people.

moving along- day 3

A fast is just a diet unless there is prayer, Bible study, and listening for/to God as well. Now that i'm falling into the habit of this new eating style, I must move beyond my focus on the actual food. As a master of the perpetual motion of busyness, it's difficult for me to slow down, reprioritize, and pay the attention due to God.

I spent my lunch break in a little shady spot with my ipod and my Bible. After months lacking discipline, i finally finished the book of Acts. The last few chapters see Paul being captured based on false charges by the Jews , and being held by the Roman government for trial. Through circumstance and probably a bit of wisdom on Paul's part (he did used to be one of those conniving temple leaders, after all. He probably knew all the dirty tricks.), he ends up on trial before Caesar himself.

From this, i see that all of the crap Paul endured led him straight to Caesar's front door. Without threats to his life, imprisonment, and sacrifice, would he have been able to minister to the biggest decision-maker in that part of the world? We might not ever know the full extent of the impact Paul had on the Roman Empire, or what decisions and circumstances were directly impacted by his interaction with Caesar. But it is clear that every single moment was choreographed by the Almighty God for His good purposes.

Paul wasn't a super hero. He's just another guy, a Joe Schmoe from down the street- with one minor difference. He was devoted to serving God. This is a choice- not dependent on his supernatural calling, time or place of birth, a genetic predisposition, or any other pedestal we envision under his feet. This fact logically leads us to another- there's no reason our lives aren't like Paul's (minus the toga-wearing Romans, of course. Then again, maybe you have those, too). God directs our paths, orders our steps, or whatever cliche you want to choose to mean that our life circumstances have purpose. As a child of God, our existence is a blend of blessings from God to us, and from God to our brothers and sisters through us. That includes the messy stuff, too.

And on a personal note, I feel like today's message is more of a reminder than a revelation. My path has been cleared, and He's leading me through it. It's a good thing- all of it. And (this is where i often forget and most need reminded) I haven't wandered off the path, nor have i stopped moving. We're still walking forward together, and the journey's progressing on schedule.

I can't wait to see what comes next.

September- the beginning of something new (i hope)

(click to enlarge, if needed)