is this what you want?

A sprint up the stairs left me a little breathless, but I still rushed through the church hallway to my office. I wasn’t late yet, but still needed to make copies, gather supplies for teaching the preschool class, and then join the worship team for pre-service prayer. However, talking to Mamaw for a few minutes was totally worth the delay in arrival to WorkChurch.

Had it really been only twenty-four hours since receiving the news that Mamaw was back in the hospital? Sitting across the booth at Denny’s in pajamas, I calmly explained to my friends, Amanda and Leah, the reason behind my family’s frequent texting. My grandmother has had quite a few health issues in recent years. It’s difficult to see someone we love be sick, yet it’s also a sad reality of aging. I prayed she would be healed and completely trusted that God had it under control.

My phone rang at ten o’clock last night from the kitchen counter. As I walked the few steps from my room down the hall, I intuitively knew it was my parents. And with a three-hours-ahead time difference in Ohio, a phone call at 1am cannot mean anything good. Sure enough, they reported that Mamaw had stopped breathing temporarily. She was doing ok for the moment, but they were on their way to join my aunt at the hospital. It didn’t look good.

Cue the cousin network. Within minutes, through the wonder of Verizon wireless and our borrowed internet connection, I was in touch with both of my sisters and my cousins, Sarah and Bethany. Years of family dysfunction have taught us that our own lines of communication are priceless. Waiting for updated news is hard enough, but throw in a 3,000 mile distance barrier, it’s maddening. There was absolutely nothing I could do for my family. Despite financial reality, I found myself researching plane ticket rates. I contemplated how fast I could be in Ohio, and the choice between saying good-bye in person, or attending a funeral. Past experience and God’s gracious gift rational thought reminded me to process this, prepare myself, and consider all options- including the option that Mamaw could totally pull through this.

You see, my paternal grandmother is a woman from the Appalachian hills of Kentucky. Maybe you’ve never met a true mountain hillbilly. They’re feisty. They’re strong, tough, fighters. They know how to handle the difficult circumstances of life. Picture Granny Clampett from “The Beverly Hillbillies”, and you’ve got a pretty close idea of Mamaw (I’ve never seen her handle a gun, but i suspect that, under the right circumstances- and before she started getting sick- that she would’ve been just fine).

The updates continued this morning. Miraculously, Mamaw is doing pretty good (considering the severity of her health circumstances). She’s still being treated for pneumonia and a handful of other things, but she’s awake and, importantly, breathing. She’s acting like her usual self. When I spoke to her for a few minutes this morning, she laughingly informed me that she was a “lady of leisure”, lying around all day while people waited on her. Way to turn a near-death experience into a hotel stay, Mamaw.

Another crisis averted- for the moment.

Back to the dash through the church hallway, I pushed aside the still-processing thoughts of family issues and what-ifs, the strategies and game plans in case of varying degrees of emergency. I reminded myself that this is happening on the heels of a crazy week sandwiched between Christmas and the New Year- a week that has been full of challenges and mixed emotion. I needed to replace these with smiles and joy, and bring out the genuine love for the kids in our congregation. Inside the sanctuary, the worship team was going over the morning’s music. This particular song was one I hadn’t heard in awhile, straying from the typical praise chorus.

The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will walk through the valley if You want me to

It may not be the way I would’ve chosen
As You lead me through a world that’s not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I’d never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me, and I’m all by myself
And I can’t hear You answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the trials Your love put You through
And I will go through the fire if You want me to

Yes, Lord, I hear You.

In an attempt to avoid religious superstition, I want to be sure of a situation before I declare that Satan is attacking. Sometimes, I think we give him too much credit whenever life gets a little less comfortable. But reality is that our theater company is now creating a show based on the book of Job. The combination of God’s hands-on object lessons and the devil’s tendency to try to prevent holy things from happening is going to be a factor in our current life events. As I sit at my computer and flesh out the story of humanity understanding suffering and the “big picture”, it’s probably not a coincidence that I’m battling one of the most intense depressive cycles since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. How else to put myself in the shoes of a grieving father than face the possibility of loss in my own family? Am I gaining insight to the words “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I shall return there” when my finances take a nosedive into the abyss of car repair bills?

And won’t I still bless the name of the Lord, whether in sickness or health? Still claim that “though He slay me, still will I trust Him”? When it comes down to it, I step past my frustrations into the big perspective- “I still know that my Redeemer lives, and He shall stand at last on the earth.” I speak the truth of these ancient scriptures (and, admittedly, take a teeny bit of comfort when reminded that my trials are not nearly as bad as homeboy Job over here).

Another song sums it up nicely-
The questions just amazes me
That circumstances possibly
could change who I forever am in You…..

Jesus, bring the rain.

 

(For those of you keeping track, or if you’re looking for some good musical inspiration, “If You Want Me To” is by Ginny Owens, and “Bring the Rain” is by MercyMe.)