the real girl

School’s back in session for the summer! The two-week break between terms was thankfully well-timed to accommodate the transition between work at the Fish and the church. Now my schedule is roughly: school in the morning, church work in the afternoon…. and there is also time left to write spots (commercials) for the radio station. Yes, in the week of freedom, I was re-hired. Perhaps I will never escape? But I am happy to be doing something I enjoy with the freedom to work from home.

There is also time to take a break and play with Kelly’s dog, or walk outside, or open a window, or light a candle, or……

I recently saw “Lars and the Real Girl” at Sophia’s house. It had been recommended by multiple friends- for good reason. Ryan Gosling gives an excellent performance, and it’s a fun, quirky film. The best thing was the demonstration of a loving community helping someone heal. At face-value, it’s a response to mental-illness that is rarely seen. Of course, “community” does not have to be synonymous with an entire town. It can be a family, a church, a group of friends….. whoever fills the pool of support. But the same principle applies to all kinds of healing, be it physical or emotional. The power of unconditional love (and yes, the love of Christ) overcomes more than we typically expect. Unselfish acts, like taking a doll to the hair salon, could change someone’s life. Can Will you and I love that simply?

As someone with a mental disorder (or just as an average human being with their fair share of brokenness), I can attest to this truth. Healing is born when God’s love is actively brought to life. The encouraging support comes from family and friends, church and theater, and sometimes even work. All of these hands formed a chain to pull me out of the pit that is depression and continue to guide me toward a better way of living. The moments of listening, prayers, patience during the ups and downs of bipolar cycles, the lack of judgment when I am just plain ridiculous, the generosity when I am in need, and of course the precious times of laughter and joy…. these are gifts to be treasured until the end of time (and perhaps even beyond). I can see my past self, a person who lacked feeling and hope, from my current vantage point- that of a real girl, she-who-is-alive.

hidden treasures

One of the joys of the new situation is discovering the neighborhood. It seems that there are never-ending points of interest to find! Of course, part of this could be because I focus on one thing, while oblivious to another. For instance, because I’m usually so preoccupied with wherever it is that I’m going, I failed to notice the coin-operated car wash JUST AROUND the corner from our house. Seriously, it has taken me over two months to register its existence. Moreover, the only reason I recognized it was because I had to slow down to find the driveway to the little smog check place next to it.

However, I feel the reward is in the small-town feel of these locally-owned businesses. When I walked into the small waiting area for the smog check, I was greeted by a very handsome german shepherd. I heard a voice from the next room inviting me in, and then met the owner, a little old man eating his lunch- fresh veggies and some kind of casserole in a tupperware. While he checked my car, I played tug-of-war with the dog in the very simple waiting room- a couch, a small table with a variety of magazines (mostly “Lucky” and “Allure”…..?), and not a single thing hanging on the wall (in the waiting room, that is. In his office, there were pictures of family, and even more pictures of the dog).

Tonight, my friend Leah and I will be checking out another neighborhood gem- Shakespeare by the Sea. I’ve heard of people performing Shakespeare in parks, but recently discovered that they use the small stage in the park down the street that overlooks the ocean. And it’s in my budget (read: free). And with my next paycheck, I intend to check out the Friday farmer’s market down the street… and the local coffee shop….. and so on……

But for now I must return to children’s ministry tasks. In this week before summer semester begins, I have allowed myself to be a little relaxed in my schedule, but starting Monday I will have work, school, and even some writing to do… and it will only happen if I am disciplined. Oh, responsibility…. Can you imagine what my procrastinative younger self would say if she saw me now?

sabbatical

So I didn’t mean to take time off of blogging. Yet, it seemed strangely appropriate. It wasn’t like I didn’t have anything to say, but energies were directed elsewhere in the whirlwind of my life.

In the time I’ve been “away”, so much has happened. Since you likely follow my twitter/facebook (and if you don’t, you should ;) ), you know most of this already.

- We completed work and performances of “Risen”, and it continued to be the amazing experience it was in production.
- I moved to San Pedro with my friend, Kelly. We live in a groovy little apartment in a neat neighborhood near the harbor. I see the ocean every day, and couldn’t be happier.
- I finished my first semester back to school. My grades weren’t the “A’s” I desired, but considering that this semester held much transition, I accept that.
- My time at the Fish has ended, and Sunday will be my first day as the children’s ministry director at a local church.

Of course, a zillion moments, large and small, fill the three-month space since my last entry, but I kind of like that they're set apart and unrecorded. It almost makes this transition time a little bit sacred in its own way.

if you want me to(o)

By the time I sit down with my laptop, my eyes and my brain have glazed over in a haze. This is inconvenient, because there are usually things that still need done… balancing a check book, applying for a job, finding a decent word for a scrabble game…..

But the days are full and take a lot of energy. In the midst of the up-early-for-school-then-work-and-lots-of-driving, the Easter show is rapidly approaching, homework requires attention, and the various details of moving preparation beg to be completed.

Yup, that’s right… moving. Kelly (new roommate) and I started visiting apartments on Friday, March 12th. On our way into the office of the first place, we realized that we forgot to pray! We decided that we would do that as soon as we returned to the car. In the meantime, we scoped out the exterior of the complex (which was a little bit “eh” but hey, we’re girls on a budget). Our decision was made immediately when we learned their no-pet policy would not work out so well for Kelly’s dog….

After seeking the Lord’s guidance, we fell in love with place #2 near the harbor in San Pedro. The set-up was great, it met all of our needs, and the neighborhood was groovy. Though we tried not to get our hopes up, our prayers became, “please please please please God let us live here!!”

We drove to the third apartment complex with little time before I had to leave for work. We prayed that we would be in and out,    and quickly know if this was a place we should pursue. At the office (that smelled of old lady and cigarettes), we found that the vacant apartment had already been rented. Prayer answered….

Less than 24 hours later, we were approved for the apartment in San Pedro that we love. There was lots of happy squealing and excitement. In fact, there still tends to be happy squealing and excitement…. :) I’m going to live near the ocean… i will be happily squealing on the inside for awhile, I think. When i’m not sighing contently, that is.

So now it’s time to pack and work out all the details of moving…. while still keeping up with homework! Screenplay class is pretty low maintenance, though I have a test tomorrow that requires additional studying….. And the bulk of my drawing projects are done in class- only part of each drawing is done at home. Here are the latest projects in various stages of completion:

 

Sorry so dark… cell phone shots. You know how it goes…..

And the show…. I am loving the latest Masquer show, “Risen”. It’s an original piece, performance art based on music. My character is just deeply in love with Jesus. In fact, it sometimes feels like cheating to call it acting, as it is so close to myself. But there are also some healthy challenges, like relating to a piece of cloth and handling a couple of solos. So PLEASE come see it, because I am so excited to show you what we’ve been working on (that’s right, so excited that i allowed that preposition to remain at the end of the sentence).

So while some details of current life are unfinished, i am doing all i can to trust God for each day. My impatient self wants everything to be perfect right at this instant, but a wise Father reminds me that big change would be too overwhelming to happen overnight. So moving in will happen gradually between getting the keys April 1st and after the show closes (the week of the 12th). That the rest of the financial details- like a second job- will happen, but I have enough to keep me going for awhile (and longer, if i make sacrifices).

Dinner time…. more will come… and believe me, at this rate, i have a feeling there will be a lot more to come. :)

no boys allowed

Girl talk. Consider yourself warned.

Kimya Dawson writes monthly flowetry. Apparently, I just write period parodies. My excess time in the car combined with my irritating discomfort led to this gem:

(To the tune of “God Bless America”)

I hate my uterus
and o-va-ries
They defy me
You’ll find me
Crying out, deep in pain, on my knees
From the bleeding
to the cramping
to the bloating
no more, please!
I hate my uterus
and o-va-ries!

While humming this little ditty to myself on my drive to work, I witnessed some dude run a red light. So, to the same tune, I started singing,

Please don’t run red lights
It’s dan-ger-ous
Though you don’t care
You’ll die there
When you’re hit by an oncoming bus…..

At this point, I suspected I was out of control and stopped whilst I was still ahead. Perhaps this is not what our founding fathers had in mind for the patriotic anthem?

paint it black

i am a lazy bum.

i have the entire day off, and have done nothing but sleep, read, and spend quality time with the computer. It’s not as if I don’t have a plethora of options- including necessary tasks and festive past-times. I’m just downright lazy today.

In other news, everything else is truckin’ along. School is going well, work is going well, i’m still searching for a second job or other such solution to financial shortfalls. I spend hours each day in my car and look forward to the moment financial shortfalls are solved so i can move to a more central location. Otherwise, I am prepared to move anyway and spend 80% of my money on rent and scrape by on the rest!

Random tidbits:

I’m not completely opposed to “Fireflies” by Owl City. But the part where he talks about keeping a few in a jar makes me sad. After painting a picture of millions of flying lights, you can’t confine the magical creatures to a jar. That’s like keeping an orca in a tank (what, too soon?).

This weekend’s homework consists of shading a drawing of an apple and a pear.

This year’s birthday celebrating seems to revolve around food. Due to finances and crazy schedules, there will be no “birthday adventure”. This is actually kind a blessing in itself, as past birthday adventures, though exciting (kayaking in San Diego, “Wicked”, Disneyland), would be too much to try to manage at the moment. So, a series of birthday dinners with my favorite people will do nicely. However, if someone wants to give me an apartment in the South Bay area as a birthday present, I would humbly accept and love them forever.

I think I’m the only person in America who is uninterested in the Olympics.

doo be doo

Ah, a day off. Plenty of time to do the things I want. An excellent time to check off ye olde to-do list….. who am i kidding?

I celebrate President’s day by sleeping in, watching tv, spending copious amounts of time on the internet, and procrastinating. In fact, it’s kind of an expanded version of how I waste time any other day of the year. Washington and Lincoln would be proud, i’m sure.

My excuse is that this is my last day of some sort of freedom. You see, I start school tomorrow. That’s right, school. I’m super excited to FINALLY be getting this thing underway. At the same time, it feels so weird to be getting ready for school again. If only I could remember where I packed my purses and bags. Gonna need something a bit larger to hold books than my trusty turtle tote.

My new schedule is as follows: class in the morning in Torrance, work in Orange from 12-5. Except Fridays, where I only have work. Since the moving hasn’t happened quite yet due to financial delay, I have a two hour drive each morning to school (yay, traffic…). I’m still searching for a second part-time job to solve said financial delay, thus eliminating two-hour commute. If you were wondering whatever happened to background extra jobs: in a month, I haven’t qualified for a single job. Either I’m too young, too old, the wrong color, or lacking skills like a circus act or gun-handling… or once even the wrong kind of car. Perhaps in the future it will work, but for now, I’m seeking a more reliable source of income.

So here’s to spending the next few hours wisely. I’ll clean my room, grab some (decaf) coffee with a friend, pack my lunch, and head to bed early. Five am comes early (dear Lord, give me strength), and I’ve got a big week ahead.

(wo)man of constant sorrow

 

So that’s not entirely true. Yes, I often become depressed and moody, but I am also often happy and joyful. But this is a good time to remember that blog titles are now brought to you by my iTunes on shuffle.

Ironically, I’m in a crappy mood at the moment. I try not to write when i’m in a bad mood, but it’s been long enough between entries. I can’t help that my free time today was made possible by this borderline migraine headache that kept me from work. And you can’t help it that I’m typing right after a frustrating visit to the optometrist that can’t seem to provide my updated prescription for contact lenses in a timely manner. So we’ll just attempt to move on together.

Obligatory update: not much is happening. School starts in less than two weeks, and I’m excited for that. No moving happening yet, but I’m doing my best to trust God’s timing. Work is uneventful, and i have yet to meet criteria for any jobs as an extra. So i’m stressing out a little about finances, but seeking God’s wisdom and praying for open doors of opportunity. Meanwhile, i find myself looking forward to Sunday Masquer rehearsals earlier and earlier each week. (The show is Easter weekend and the weekend after. Mark your calendars now.)

I’m really short on interesting anecdotes or uplifting stories at the moment. I leave you with things I have learned/experienced/recommend/caution against:

“Four Christmases”- cute movie, you should watch it.

Dr. Milton Hom in Azusa is the optometrist that you should avoid.

Ministry is no place for your pride or need to control things. Especially children’s ministry.

Friends who sympathize then urge you to move on and stop wallowing in your bad mood are a treasure.

 

Now I feel like a fortune cookie. I’m taking that as a cue to finish up. Feel free to leave tidings of comfort and joy.

calculation

See, i’m being consistent. Today’s title is brought to you by “The Calculation” by Regina Spektor.

I started writing this a week ago, but got busy/lazy (there’s a fine line). Today is Saturday. It might be my last free Saturday for awhile, so I’ve tried to relax. I might have been too successful, as I have achieved that moment where boredom and laziness meet. You might remember the experience as a child, where you couldn’t think of a single thing to do that sounded remotely appealing.

My notes from the beginning of this entry a week ago were “last night, bike, coming week plans”. Let’s address them, shall we?

“last night”- This really means last Friday night, which was fantastically fun in many ways. I ditched Friday night traffic from work at the OC office to home in Azusa in favor of hanging out with a couple friends in that area. (Last night’s hellish hour-and-a-half crawl home confirmed that this was indeed a good decision.) The evening began with tuna melts, rock band, and general quality conversation. It ended at the beach, which is never a bad decision. I laid on the sand between two dear friends, listening to the waves keep rhythm as seals sang in the distance. Up above, stars danced between constellations. These are happy moments that I save to relive when things get bad.

“bike”- There’s a bicycle in the garage leftover from Soph’s stepdad’s sister. I rode it the other day, and it was crazy fun. However, I have been too lazy/busy to ride it since. Though i’m considering taking it out in a minute to enjoy the exercise before the week-long rain begins.

“coming week plans”- eh, this wasn’t too exciting. I worked. I did register to do extra work with Central Casting, and will try to make that happen at the end of next week. I’m back and forth between Glendale and Orange County as the January-month-of-transition continues. Oh, and rehearsals for the Masquer Easter show start tomorrow, so woot.

So I will leave you with a short devotional thing I wrote for my parents’ church in Ohio. Enjoy:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.”
-Proverbs 3:5-6

It’s that time again. Every so often, life seems to turn upside down. There are changes, decisions, and questions. It would all be so much simpler if God’s will were easier to understand. I’ve begged and pleaded for it all- a divine billboard, a heavenly roadmap, or some kind of meeting where God and I could sit down and discuss strategy. Instead, He hands me a jigsaw puzzle.
You don’t complete an entire puzzle at once, but piece by piece. You examine each part and focus on one area at a time. The edge pieces create the frame, while similar colors fit together. The top of the box acts as a reference, showing the whole picture and the final goal. And God works like that, too. He doesn’t give us a cross-country map, but step-by-step instructions. Sometimes He shows us the big picture, and other times, just enough so we know what to do with the pieces in our hand.
Remember Moses? If God showed him the big picture, Moses would never have known how to go from baby-sitting sheep in the wilderness to leading a nation to the promised land. Yet, his shepherd skills trained him to baby-sit the Israelite “sheep” wandering the desert all those years. God’s perfect method guided Moses from a burning bush to negotiating with Pharaoh, and all the way to the revealing of His glory.
My favorite part of a jigsaw puzzle is fitting the last piece in place and marveling at the completed picture. How much more amazing is each step of God’s journey when we’ve arrived at His big picture destination?

no place to hide

What if all my entries were titled after the song I listened to while writing? Today’s would be “No Place to Hide” by Alison Krauss and Union Station. Perhaps I shall try that. As a bonus, you can youtube the song and listen while reading to enhance your experience.

Or not.

So it’s 2010… and I’m going to pass on the resolutions this year. Let’s review last year’s, shall we?

2009 Goals: a progress report

1. Learn to play the piano. (did one online lesson, got too busy)
2. Develop daily and weekly habits of exercise, journaling, devotions, and creativity. This includes resuming tennis, guitar-playing, and yoga. (epic fail)
3. Find a way that my job is satisfying, therefore bringing in necessary money while not wasting precious moments of life on crap that doesn't matter. (this spills into 2010, as you’ve been reading)
4. Eat more salad. (I believe I’m eating the same amount of salad as 2008…)
5. Write a devotional. (started, but not substantial. will continue when life is less crazy.)
6. Pay off student loans by developing video game- or at least making major progress on the project. (gave up. i lack the skills and resources to make this happen. it looks great in my head, though. if anyone has skills/resources and wants to talk, let me know)
7. Beat the original Mario Bros. NES game. (success!!)
8. Fall in love (will need some assistance here). (epic fail. but that’s not my fault.)
9. Increase and improve drama ministry. (well, I joined Masquer and still did a couple of pieces at Calvary. I say, epic win!)
10. Do more for other people- more volunteer service time. (this actually kind of decreased. eek).

So I’m not ready to neglect the unfinished goals, but they are on the backburner to make room for “Operation Torrance”. I’m pretty wiped out trying to handle all the details of this transition as it is. But the point of resolutions/goals is just to spend your time productively and positively- which is what I am doing.

So, ya wanna know the status of all the changes? Here it goes:

I have transferred from the radio station’s Glendale office to our Orange County office, and am now a promotion’s assistant. While this means a cut in pay and hours, it’s doable (and it’s a JOB that I HAVE- the whole “bird in the hand is better than two in the bush” kind of thing).

This morning ended a long search for my social security card and other forms of i.d., the absence of which was preventing me from seeking a second job (you need these for the I-9 form in order to be hired in the U.S. See, working for human resources was not totally a lost cause. ;) ). I fully intend to register for work as a background extra within the next week. That should patch the holes in my financial plan, and i’ll be off and running.

As for school…. all the classes for the January term were full, so I’ll start the spring semester mid-February. This is fine, since we’re still working out the details of moving, and it’s saves me a crazy long commute in the mean time (ironically, the commute to the OC office from my current home is exactly the same as to my previous office…). Working less hours makes the budget tight, but it gives me an opportunity to handle these and other necessary details. Today’s day off allowed me to search our storage unit for my social security card and reorganize it so that things are accessible. I also had an eye appointment to take advantage of the remaining weeks of health insurance, and did three loads of laundry. Oh, and there was also a nap. :)

So I leave you with a poem/lyrics I wrote from my window-less desk a couple months ago, that I found today while cleaning. I’m not as depressed as it makes me sound…. and that’s partially because I’m still moving forward from the rut I was in when I penned the words….

other people’s songs inspire me to write
other people’s wrongs urge me to the the fight
someone else’s melody prompts my heart to sing
something has occurred to me- i’ve lost all my own things

do empty hands mean empty heart?
i have no words, there’s no more art
it used to flow from deep inside
i fear something in my soul has died

clean paper calls my name, aching for the words
every day the same- i’ve got only what i’ve heard
if their music calls to me, wakes my quiet heart
that’s the place where hope could be, waiting in the dark

do empty hands mean empty heart?
where are my words, please find my art
it used to flow from deep inside
please resurrect the me that died

songs and pictures, story lines
words and music, colors bright
locked away- but they’re still mine
help me bring them to the light

please fill my hands and fill my heart
with all the words and songs and art
let it flow from deep inside
so then i’ll know my soul’s alive.