tales from Christmas ambition

Question for bloggers who are also active on facebook/twitter: Do you feel like you have less to say in this forum after you've written there? Please discuss. 'Cause I kind of do.

I write this in my office at work, because my task list is complete for the day and there are 45 minutes remaining until my freedom. I have a self-induced headache from too many hours in front of the computer monitor and too much sugar in the form of Christmas goodies.

Tonight will be filled with more Christmas gift assembling. Homemade gifts are fun and endearing, but I'm running out of time. I don't want to rush and produce mediocre crafts just so someone has something to unwrap... i want to give something that will be meaningful. I AM proud to report that all items for far-away-folks have been shipped to arrive on time for Christmas. * curtsies *

Here's the "Operation Torrance" update for those who are wondering:

My last day in this office is January 4th. I start classes on the 6th. However, I won't know which classes until my registration appointment on Monday evening. I'm praying that the classes I need are available.
Once I get my school schedule, I will confirm my work schedule.
Once I confirm my work schedule, I will register for work as an extra with central casting.
And once all sources of income are securely in place, I will be able to move.

At least that's the current plan. If God shakes things up, it might change.... but for the better. I'm trying really hard not to stress out with so many loose ends fluttering in the breeze. And holiday busyness adds to the chaos.

Which reminds me- there's some Christmas cards I should be signing right now.....

me vs. lexus, round 2

Traffic in the morning is inevitable. Most of us are prepared with favorite cd’s or radio programs, or car-tasks like breakfast or applying make-up. Most of us just chill; we know there will be slow traffic and we’re prepared to be on the freeway for a pretty long time. You can only go as fast as the person in front of you, after all.

Most of us.

Then there are the others, who think that perhaps today will be different than any other day. They imagine themselves beating the system and arriving to their location in a magically timely manner. Perhaps they envision their vehicle as a helicopter, or at least a motorcycle. Traffic laws and common sense do not apply to this group.

One member of this group drove a maroon Lexus SUV. They ignored the solid lines of safety to abruptly exit the carpool lane and cut me, calm, law-abiding citizen, off. Then they proceeded to do the same to others, weaving in and out of various lanes in a twisted game of leap frog (or maybe frogger?), racing to get through the 210 parking lot before the rest of us. I watched and mumbled words of annoyance, then returned to applying eye shadow to the tunes of Air1.

A few miles down the road, traffic slowed even more. The cause? One maroon Lexus SUV pulled to the left shoulder of the carpool lane by a motorcycle cop. I almost rolled down my window to shout words of thanks to the officer.

I believe justice has been properly served.

me vs. the dark side

Life is racing by in a blur, and i’m not stopping much, really. Even my fun times are scheduled and my thoughts are often on the “next item on the list” instead of fully enjoying the current moment.

This has its perks, of course. The chemicals in my bipolar brain have set the dial to “depressive”. However, when I’m focused on tasks, I don’t have time to wallow in illogical emotion. While i’m not sure this is completely healthy, it’s a system that is currently working. I’ll stick with it for now.

Also, this time of year helps. I know the holidays trigger depression in some people, but I’m thankful not to be among them. The lights, music, and gatherings of friends and family give me something to happily anticipate. This is a good mood-lifter.

As is gift-giving. Truly, one of the best “cures” for depression is to quit thinking about yourself. Help someone in need or do something for someone you love, and your mood will be lighter. So thinking of, shopping for, and creating Christmas gifts makes my heart happier.

I also pull out the year-round mini-therapies…. singing while doing chores, silly websites like mylifeisaverage.com, spontaneous art projects at work, and of course, praise and worship. All of these things help, but the irrational melancholy seeps back in when i find myself in a quiet moment. The darkness is never completely gone.

So I push through the deadlines and projects…. some fun, some exciting, and some just necessary. Work is quite busy, the Masquer Christmas show opens Friday, and I’m still working on “Operation Torrance” and securing details like a class schedule and job necessities. Once the financial stuff is solid, then serious apartment-hunting can happen, and then there will be the joy of moving…..

I’ll still put a smile on my face. Misery might love company, but company is usually repulsed by misery. I remind myself that this sadness is “not real” and will pass. I focus on the greater truths and purposely look for joy.

But sometimes, i get weary of fighting the dark. So if you think about it, I could probably use a hug.

proof of my immaturity

At the end of the day on Friday, my sense of humor is hardly at its peak. My eyes and brain have glazed over from eight hours in front of a computer, and the thought of sitting in my car for an hour and a half does little to revive me. But i drag myself to the fifth floor of the parking garage knowing that each step is one step closer to home and away from the office.

But this particular Friday presented a surprise bonus. I had the privilege of using my fried brain for creative problem-solving in order to continue my homeward quest.

Pardon the darkness. I just had my cell phone in the parking garage. I did think this would better illustrate my dilemma than a written description. Also, you can’t claim I’m being overly dramatic… the space between our cars was barely wide enough for a person, let alone for a door to open. Also, in the background, you can see all the other empty spaces.

After climbing in my passenger side, I also snagged this photographic proof that the closeness was due to the Lexus SUV’s position, not my careful navigation into my own space.

 

After this, the next logical, calm, rational step was to drive away. And i almost did. But the irritated-at-coworkers-all-day, creative-thinking-spontaneous-child in me shouted loudly, “LEAVE A NOTE ON THEIR WINDSHIELD!”

And write I did:

Dear person who parked so close to me I had to climb in my passenger side-

I’m sure you were in a hurry and not a single other available space would do. and I understand that your decision to purchase such a large vehicle is now burdened with these pesky yellow lines that hinder your parking freedom. However, I did not receive the memo that I should refrain from wearing a skirt for easier access to my own compact car. Whew! Can you imagine if I had an SUV, too? The car-entry acrobatics would be worthy of Cirque du Soleil. Instead, I am leaving this reminder in hopes that your next victim parking-space-buddy has better luck.'

Have a great weekend! Enjoy your commute!

Sincerely, Barely-Squeezed-Into-My-Cavalier

 

Perhaps I could’ve just let it go.

 

 

But I, for one, felt better.

revealed

I almost did a mini-entry the other day, but thought it too short and rather silly. Something reminded me of my days in Kentucky. I used to hike in a little park near my aunt’s house (Yellow Creek? Yellow something….). After winding through wooded trails and chilling by a frog pond, I always ended up at a covered wooden bridge. Then I would lean over the rails and spit into the creek below (lady-like, eh?). I imagined that a little bit of my dna would mix into the water, and a little piece of me would be flowing downstream. When the stream’s water nourished the grass and flowers growing on its banks, a little piece of me would grow into the plants. And even when i left Kentucky, a part me would be left behind.

i realize how ridiculous this is, but it IS slightly poetic, yeah? Sadly, i think they “developed” part of that area anyway.

So i suppose it’s time to reveal the super-secret project. i intended to wait until everything was definite, but that could take a good deal more time. So take it all with a grain of salt and be prepared for the possibility that it still might not happen the way we imagine, ok?

It’s no secret that i’m burned out at work, that i hate (despise, loathe, etc) the daily commute, and student loan debt has imprisoned me in a life of “adulthood”. While i’m quite adept at complaining about these circumstances, the only way to escape is to actually DO something about it. From this was born the super-secret plan.

I am going back to school in January. El Camino College in Torrance has a pretty good film program. And since it’s a community college, it’s affordable and won’t require additional student loans. After being out of school (and the film industry) since 2005, it’s pretty impossible for me to get an entry-level job in production. The next step would be an internship, but those don’t pay anything (and i enjoy luxuries like shelter, food, and clothing. and my cell phone.). So returning to school will increase my skills and qualify me for a job in the field I’ve been working toward since i moved out here. And that’s my ticket out of my current growth-lacking career situation.

Of course, there are no night/online courses in this program. This means I will need a different job that accommodates a part-time class schedule. Also, Torrance is quite a commute- something I am also trying to eliminate. This brings us to the next step in no-longer-super-secret plan.

Torrance is desirable for a few reasons.
1) It is near the ocean. As in, right there.
2) There are production companies in the south bay area, so when it is time to look for work, I won’t have to worry about relocating again.
3) It’s between L.A. and Orange County, so it’s centrally located but not too suburban. I really like the area.
4) It will still allow me to be part of Masquer, my church in El Monte, and Sophia’s awesome family.
5) I already know a group of people who live around there.
6) It is near the ocean. As in, right there.

So I am currently looking for a job near Torrance that has a school-friendly schedule and pays enough for me to live. If you have any leads, please let me know. After the job is secured, the next step will be securing living arrangements. I already have some ideas on that, but am trying not to get ahead of myself.

The beauty of the school plan is that my loan payments are deferred while i’m enrolled at least part-time. So i’ll actually be a little more financially stable and able to pay rent. While I love Soph’s mom and stepdad dearly, I miss being able to completely support myself.

Of course, there is the risk of counting proverbial chickens before they hatch. There are a lot of “if’s” involved….
IF i am able to get into the classes i need.
IF i find a suitable job.
IF living arrangements come together.
and so on…..

But I am really seeking the Lord’s guidance on the matter. I truly feel that He has guided me this far and opened all the doors that lead to here. I have a peace about it, and it all seems similar to the spring of 2003 when I took the leap of faith and applied to APU from my dorm room in Kentucky. It wasn’t until I boarded the west-bound plane that it actually felt like solid reality. Sometimes it’s dangerous to have expectations. It leaves you too vulnerable to disappointment.

Maybe i’m a gypsy- a nomad who has to pack up and move every so many years. Maybe i’m an artist, bound to the dreams that fuel my spirit. Or maybe i’m another example of our generation’s stereotype- never satisfied and too pampered to accept the realities and responsibilities of adulthood in a cubicle. Then again, maybe the Lord uses dissatisfaction to shatter complacency and keep me moving through His path to His purposes.

 

P.S. i haven’t mentioned too much of this at work…. i’d rather have a job lined up before i put this one at risk (i like and need my paycheck). So work-buddies, can we keep that in mind? Thanks. :) 

today counted

Sometimes… ok, most days….. i must make sure my day was worthwhile before i go to sleep at night. My tummy ties itself in knots with regret if i just wasted a good twenty hours sitting in front of a computer, commuting, and other mindlessness. i know it seems silly and melodramatic, but life is too short and precious to let even a day go without at least one significant moment. I sincerely believe that with every ounce of my heart.

The hope contained in super-secret-project seems to be a figurative lifeline from the soul-killing days in my windowless office. Also, combined with focus on the Lord and mass amounts of creativity, I continue to dwell in the happy, balanced, in-between place between mania and depression. And the villagers rejoiced.

I used to keep a journal of happy thoughts. In a spiral notebook with a tie-dye cover, I would write down everything good that happened in a day. It would remind me of the little festive things we tend to forget soon after they occur. It also helped me maintain perspective when the depression got out of hand. I recommend this practice to every single person on the planet.

Remember when my little sister, Claudia, was super young and she would count up the good and bad things at the end of the day before declaring what kind of day it was? She’s proof that awesomeness is something with which you’re born, I think.

A co-worker recently encouraged me to read “Living Artfully” by Sandra Magsamen. The premise is being creative in our daily lives, and using that creativity to bless others. Honestly, it’s kind of preaching to the choir. But it does provide some fun new project ideas and reminds me to take note of the artful ways I live.

So I went to sleep peacefully last night because yesterday counted. I was super productive and was satisfied on the progress made on the the to-do list. I spent my lunch break recycling the office cans for causes, and God used me (well, my phone) to aid in an emergency (such a privilege to be His hands and feet!!). And i was artful when I tried a new recipe for peanut butter banana muffins… bonus points for successfully baking.

Today counted, too. I shared some of the muffins and everyone survived. I spent lunch break with my friend, Dea, on my first geocache mission. My boss surprised us by providing a very yummy lunch…. and bringing in cornbread. I listened to new music- the New Moon soundtrack- during the evening commute. Then I showed Sophia how to do geocaching on a late night mission.

Tomorrow has promise of counting as well. A second geocache mission is planned. There are special guests visiting the station. And in the evening, I’ll have a chance to work on some church projects.

Life may not be all sunshine and lollipops, but i’m sure doing everything i can to make the best of it.

golden days

i got a lot done today. i did my share of the house cleaning, made copies at Staples, and obtained needed items from CVS and the 99-cent store. i was supposed to walk in a parade and help with a booth at the city Golden Days festival, but those services ended up being unnecessary. Oh, and I finished a novel this morning (“Dancing with Butterflies” by Reyna Grande, if you’re wondering. And no, it wasn’t that good.).

I’m starting to get sleepy, but determined to stay awake to see Regina Spektor on SNL. I contemplated a nap, but once I’m out, i’m done for the day. It’s these special moments that make me wish I better tolerated caffeine.   

I wish I had something deep and meaningful to say. Remember when I mentioned big changes in October? I’m working on a super-secret project that I’m not quite ready to share yet. I’m not trying to be dramatic, but it’s sort of like when you take your driver’s test. I’m not sure it’s going to work out, and I don’t want to have to announce my failure to the world.

Other current projects vying for my time and energy: beginning rehearsal for “Home for Christmas” (Masquer), putting together a stage adaptation of “The Creation” by James Weldon Johnson (church drama ministry… and yes, that’s the Mr. Perry piece), helping prep for Kids Kingdom events, like the Harvest Fest and Disciple Awards, and thinking about Christmas projects (creativity takes time).

Upcoming events: Disneyland for Sophia’s birthday and Regina Spektor at the Greek.

I'm coming down from a manic period, and dwell in that comfortable in-between time that resembles normalcy. Unfortunately, this means that depression is headed my way. I’m doing everything I can to postpone, manage, or even avoid it all together (i can dream), and creativity is often helpful…. in addition to prayer, reading the Word often, and surrounding myself with encouraging friends. But as always, I worry that the black cloud of depression will drive said friends to annoyance or energy drain.

And on that happy note, i think I’m going to watch “A Mighty Wind” until it’s time for everyone’s favorite weekend sketch comedy.

new beginnings

Oh, October. I vowed you would be a significant month. And you still have potential, despite my dissatisfaction.

September ended pretty well. The show was fabulous, though over so quickly after only one night’s performance. Rehearsal for the next show (I’ll Be Home for Christmas) starts tomorrow. And i’m working on a piece for church as well. So yay for the theatrical portion of my existence.

On the health front, this is supposed to be my month of increased exercise. Thus far, it has been the month of fail. I’m not ready to give up after only three days, but i need some serious help. I seriously attempted to wake up at 5:30am to start my day positively. However, I positively turned off my alarm and overslept. The world might as well face the fact that I am not and cannot possibly ever be a morning person. My next plan of attack was to do something exercise-y in the evenings after work. Unfortunately, the hour spent in traffic zapped any remaining energy and motivation, and my only activity involved repetitions of raising the remote to the tv to turn the channel. I have a couple fitness dvd’s with fifteen-minute workouts, but no space in my room to try them. I also have a fitness ball, though it’s only good for super-short stretches before my back really hurts (there’s irony. My back problems stem from too much sitting time and too much driving. you think any activity would be an improvement). My tennis buddy and i can’t seem to coordinate our schedules. Taking a walk after dark seems a bad idea by myself, but Sophia’s my only local friend and her ankle is still recovering from the accident. None of these things are valid excuses, I could be creative and find SOME way, even if i got on the floor right now and did crunches. This are just all the obstacles I’m encountering. And not a single calorie is burned trying to get around them.

In the meantime, I am trying to continue the theme of less complaining and more proactivity. I hesitate to lay out every detail in the process, because i’m really not so confident in their direction so far. But i am happy to report I’ve put in some applications and have a tentative goal in mind- God approving, of course.

slow

I walked through twenty-one days without meat, sugar, dairy (minus protein-filled cheese), and fried food- but full of prayer and God-focus. It also began as a respectful demand for answers. It's no secret that my current life-situation has many imperfections, and I wanted to be proactive but still in-line with God's will.

Perhaps I fell for the misconception that if we do what God wants, He'll give us what we want. After all, it works that way with the rest of the world. Why not utilize social networking with the Most High? If God's for us, who can be against us, right? Apparently, that's not exactly how obedience works.

Remember that old song, "Trust and Obey"? I used to think it was a divine "because I said so". Just do what God says and believe it's the best, because He is good, after all. This is still true, but maybe there's another element to the process. I think perhaps we have it flipped around- it should be "Obey and Trust". Because if we are following God's instruction and direction, we know for sure we are in the right place. We also know that we'll see His promises. But this is not because we uphold our end of the bargain. Instead, it is because these instructions are the path TO the promises. Just as following assembly instructions leads to the finished product, God gives us the directions to His blessings. So the obedience makes the trusting possible.

So how does this apply to all those questions I handed God on September 1st?

Sadly, He hasn't handed me magic answers in return. And there haven't been any miraculous job offers or financial windfalls. I admit I half expected that to happen (it has for other people, so why not?). But i'm not anxious about it, either. I DO know He has it under control, and I actually trust Him that it's a good thing in perfect timing. And by "know", I really believe it- rather than just admitting it's the right answer regardless of my personal feelings. Instead of feeling the pressure to scour job listings, I cruise through them and wait patiently for the right opportunity. I'm staying in close communication with the Holy Spirit, and asking for discernment in regard to any major decisions. Instead of spending my hour-each-way in traffic desperately trying to think outside of the box for a new creative solution to all of life's obstacles, I substitute praise and worship and a lot of prayer- and listening. Just because my fast ended after 21 days, doesn't mean that answers must appear in the same time-frame.

So when I discovered my student loan payments are dramatically increasing in December, I didn't worry. And the news that the new income-based repayment plans do not apply to the majority of my loans didn't trigger a panic attack (ok, maybe a little bitterness, but i'm still a work in progress). I will still be proactive, but I realize there's not as much in my control as I'd like to believe- and that's ok. There's no use stressing over my living situation until I have another job, so my energy will be focused there instead.

Also, the fast provided an opportunity to "detox" and reset my body a little bit. I didn't crave sweets like I thought I would, but I sorely missed the protein from chicken and seafood (that's right, even deprivation doesn't make pork or beef sound the least bit tantalizing). This might be the start of new habits free of fried food or excessive sugar. And once I get the protein back into my system, I intend to up the exercise quotient very seriously. Stay tuned in October for details. :)

So it seems September's big changes were meant to lay a sturdy foundation for an improving lifestyle. I'll finish the month happily focusing on this weekend's Masquer show (see me for tickets!!), then taking a few days to rest and enjoy before kicking into high gear in October!

surrounding blur

Today, i tried to describe my current state to a friend. She said it sounded like “Garden State”, where Zach Braff is medicated. This is accurate, but I’m not proud of it.

Thankfully, I’m not medicated, but I have been in the past. And this definitely feel similar- a numb feeling while the world passes by in a blur. The post-vacation buzz is definitely wearing thin, and the mind-dulling routine is taking its course. Regardless, I am doing all I can to fight through it.

The Daniel fast continues, and it’s going pretty well. Strangely, I’m not craving sweets. Though today I would’ve considered trading my birthright for Long John Silver’s. Go figure. My current revelation is that I’m pretty selfish, and might have gone into this period of prayer and fasting with pretty selfish motives. Perhaps I should simply do this to please God, and trust Him with the details of my life. While it’s easy to write that sentence in plain Christianese, actually living that attitude genuinely is a challenge. I am pretty self-absorbed- more than I realized.

In daily news, there’s really not that much to report. The fires are reaching containment, thankfully. I think the So Cal firefighters deserve a place of extreme respect right next to the men and women serving in our military….. The Masquer show is coming along, and is now at the stage of perfecting and becoming excited to perform for an audience. It does feel odd that it’s only a one-night run. Months of hard work will be complete in only a few short hours. Of course, if you don’t want to miss it, please email me asap for tickets. ;)

Today, I got my ticket for next month’s Regina Spektor concert. It’s still weird that i’m going by myself, but i’m going AND i got a great seat. So we’ll just chalk it up to liberated living and enjoy it. :)

Last night, I was asked to dance in our church Christmas performance. I said yes without even thinking. As I drove home, I thought it interesting that in less than a year, I’ve gone from feeling intimidated at the dance supply store to actually being asked to dance in front of actual, live people.

moving along- day 3

A fast is just a diet unless there is prayer, Bible study, and listening for/to God as well. Now that i'm falling into the habit of this new eating style, I must move beyond my focus on the actual food. As a master of the perpetual motion of busyness, it's difficult for me to slow down, reprioritize, and pay the attention due to God.

I spent my lunch break in a little shady spot with my ipod and my Bible. After months lacking discipline, i finally finished the book of Acts. The last few chapters see Paul being captured based on false charges by the Jews , and being held by the Roman government for trial. Through circumstance and probably a bit of wisdom on Paul's part (he did used to be one of those conniving temple leaders, after all. He probably knew all the dirty tricks.), he ends up on trial before Caesar himself.

From this, i see that all of the crap Paul endured led him straight to Caesar's front door. Without threats to his life, imprisonment, and sacrifice, would he have been able to minister to the biggest decision-maker in that part of the world? We might not ever know the full extent of the impact Paul had on the Roman Empire, or what decisions and circumstances were directly impacted by his interaction with Caesar. But it is clear that every single moment was choreographed by the Almighty God for His good purposes.

Paul wasn't a super hero. He's just another guy, a Joe Schmoe from down the street- with one minor difference. He was devoted to serving God. This is a choice- not dependent on his supernatural calling, time or place of birth, a genetic predisposition, or any other pedestal we envision under his feet. This fact logically leads us to another- there's no reason our lives aren't like Paul's (minus the toga-wearing Romans, of course. Then again, maybe you have those, too). God directs our paths, orders our steps, or whatever cliche you want to choose to mean that our life circumstances have purpose. As a child of God, our existence is a blend of blessings from God to us, and from God to our brothers and sisters through us. That includes the messy stuff, too.

And on a personal note, I feel like today's message is more of a reminder than a revelation. My path has been cleared, and He's leading me through it. It's a good thing- all of it. And (this is where i often forget and most need reminded) I haven't wandered off the path, nor have i stopped moving. We're still walking forward together, and the journey's progressing on schedule.

I can't wait to see what comes next.

September- the beginning of something new (i hope)

(click to enlarge, if needed)

(ten) days of claudia

i do believe a trip recap is in order!

(1)
Claudia arrived in L.A. at 1:30ish in the afternoon (Friday, the 14th, if you're keeping track), after a day under Delta airlines watchful eye. i still can't believe Mom let her fly alone, but am glad she did! We celebrated her arrival by sitting in traffic for two hours..... and therefore missing the nerf war my friends were holding in Anaheim (an hour or more traffic-y hours from home). We decided to see "(500) Days of Summer" at the local movie theater instead. Verdict: good movie, but not as thrilling as the hype... typical. But the soundtrack is awesome and i'm actually listening to it right now.

(2)
The goal for the day was rest and relaxation, in true vacation fashion. After all, we had a busy week ahead! We introduced Claudia to the joys of Jamba Juice and Fresh and Easy market as we prepared for a campfire at night with some of Sophia's relatives. Browsing the 99-cent store led to the purchase of two badminton racquets, and inspired us to drag out our almost-forgotten badminton set. This led to a game that reminded us all how we lacked badminton talent.... but made up for it with our sense of humor. The night ended with everyone circled around the fire, smelling that cozy burnt smell, and eating goodies like smores and the corn on the cob that i actually made in the fire and didn't burn (i count it a culinary victory).

(3)
Sunday's still mean church and Masquer rehearsal! Claudia got to meet a zillion people, then had her first meal at Panda Express. We continued our relaxation theme by checking out the new "Reality Hell" tv show (trashy, with guilty pleasure potential), and watching "Young Frankenstein".

(4)
Our designated beach day started out with a haze that never really burned off. We tried to pass the cool morning hours at Redondo Pier, then headed down the beach for some boogie boarding and sun-bathing that would later produce the usual sunburn. Dinner at Joe's Crab Shack continued the tradition of celebrating Claudia's birthday any day of the year. She was a good sport about dressing up as a lifeguard and running around the restaurant. Pity they didn't give her a free dessert.

(5)
We stopped by my workplace to show Claudia around the radio station and introduce her to my coworkers (think she's met enough people by now?). Then we did a favor for a friend, which involved driving through Toluca Lake, past some celebrity homes. It was only fitting that we spent the afternoon walking around Hollywood (which seems like it's even more seedy/less exciting than normal.... blame the recession? or jadedness?). We both tried Beard Papa's for the first time (tasty, but way way way too sugary to really enjoy it), and Stefano's pizza place. I LOVED LOVED LOVED this little hole-in-the-wall, with inexpensive prices, pinball machines, music, comfy booths and brick walls, and GREAT TASTING slices of of pizza. It's on Hollywood Blvd, so go there. I intend to return asap.
The main event was "Legally Blonde: The Musical" at Pantages Theater. It was fun, cute, and silly, and followed the movie pretty closely. I loved the few parts with the live dogs (it could've used more of that and less of the lead actress' attempts at channeling Kristen Chenoweth's Galinda). But it was fun, and it's always a good time at Pantages. One of these days, i want season tickets....

(6)
We happily slept in after a late night, and headed to Maria's in Glendora for some authentic Mexican food, followed by Claudia's introduction to Pinkberry. You may have noticed that a lot of this trip was about showing her things So Cal has but Ohio does not. You might think I'm trying to lure her here or something. You would be correct.
She helped me prepare the evening's kid's kingdom lesson, but we ended up spending literally four times the amount of time on prep than the actual class time, due to crazy disorganization at church that night(but that's for another discussion). But first, we spent our afternoon at Golfland in El Monte, and used our arcade tickets to score plastic bling.

(7)
Knott's Berry Farm! Our longest line was for Ghostrider, only to be reminded that we don't really like jerky wooden coasters, haha. But winners included Silver Bullet, Pony Express, and Supreme Scream. Notes to remember next time: ride the raft one where you all sit in a circle instead of Perilous Plunge, as the latter has a long line for a fairly short ride that leaves you excessively wet and was not designed for those of us with long legs (my knees still have painful evidence of the screws that hold the boat together); also, Sidewinder is fun and twisty, but not quite worth the long wait.
Crazy highlight of the day: While searching for the entrance to the aforementioned Sidewinder, i stumbled across a couple park security guys. I assumed there had been an incident (fighting, line jumping, the usual), and continued my search as they told me to "keep moving along". I turned around, and was face to face with a sitting Shaquille O'Neal. In my mind i thought, "Hey, there's Shaq" and kept looking for the ride entrance (am I jaded?). Meanwhile, Soph and family were excited, and weaseled my camera out of me for pictures. I felt bad about disturbing his day with his family. Once I discovered he posted his whereabouts on Twitter, i only felt slightly intrusive. Regardless, we assumed he was sitting by the ride entrance while his family enjoyed the ride, and that they probably shut the ride down for security until they were off. We opted to hang close for a couple minutes so we could get in line as soon as they were done. A minute later, Shaq and crew headed passed us. Shaq noticed Soph's stepdad's Steelers jersey, and momentarily stopped to talk to us about a Steelers player and shake his hand.
So there you go, Claudia has a celebrity story to take back with her. And gee, that man was tall.

(8)
We meant to go to the Holocaust museum and hiking in the canyon, but thought the day would be a bit to crazy. So we just spent the day in the trees, stream, and graffiti covered rocks. And trash. Sigh. How are people so disrespectful?? We discovered a few more things that the West Fork of the San Gabriel Mountains above Azusa has to offer, and made tentative plans to camp there in the very near future. I love going up there... it's beautiful and quiet and happily nature-y. We lazily watched rented videos to finish the evening ("Push" and "Coraline", if you wondered. The first was eh, the second was cute).

(9)
Claudia's last real day. :( Sophia's family had a reunion at the park, and welcomed us, as well. So Claudia experienced the joys of taco man. :) We played volleyball and tennis, and generally enjoyed the lovely day. After a farewell jamba juice, we decorated mugs to commemorate the week.

(10)
The day began at 3:30am. Well, i say the day begins when the sun comes up, but WE began at 3:30am. By the time we reached the airport at five, it was already a zoo. Oh, LAX..... fortunately, Claudia's unaccompianed minor status sent us to the front of most of the lines. Security was reasonable (except i forgot to leave my water bottle in the car. oops), and her gate was right at the front of the terminal. The worst part was that she had to board the plane and fly away. :(

She potentially could be back as early as next summer, if that's what she wants to do. I'm still holding out for the possibility that she will attend college here. She could definitely fit in well as a California girl.

In the mean time, I am settling back into the routine of work/church/masquer and everything in between. There's a lot on my mind as I evaluate the elements of my life in some sort of quarter-life-crisis fashion. I'm ironing out the details this week, and will unveil my new plan and goals in September.

Also, my happy canyon is currently on fire, and i am most sad about it. It started burning yesterday, up the road near a dam we pass on our way to hike. Yesterday, it was a big cloud of smoke, and twenty-one hours, 820 firefighters, and 750 acres later, it is only 10% contained and blazing. Thankfully, it's wilderness burning, and not homes.... but i am sad as one of my happy places- and camping dreams- go up in literal smoke.

stalled

The following is an attempt to respark creativity in order to complete the writing of a spot....

Besides, you deserve a follow-up on the car drama.

As I walked out the door, headed to the mechanic's on Tuesday morning, Soph's mom's husband's sister (yup, that complicated) said, "I'll pray for your car!" And i drove away my check-engine-lit vehicle hoping for the best.

I arrived at the shop and handed over my keys, explaining my current car ailment. The mechanic went to investigate the issue, and i settled into the lawn chair in front of the building with my book. Ten minutes later, my car arrives right in front of me. Mr. Mechanic steps out and says,

"When I got in, the check engine light went off. The computer isn't giving me any codes. I've checked everything, and nothing's wrong. There's nothing I can do for you. Take it away!" And with a smile, he returned my keys.

And it's still running smoothly. THANK GOD!! I almost couldn't believe it, due to the high level of too-good-to-be-trueness. But considering all factors, it is the beyond what I had hoped.

Meanwhile, as I have been irritated at politics lately, I've avoided the headlines. This is probably why I didn't realize that we were having a meteor shower last night. I guess that would explain the amazing shooting star i saw when i was in the backyard last week.... But on a whim, i recruited Sophia and her mom's husband's sister (ok, her name is Missy. That's less to type. But you'll have to remember who she is if i mention her again) and headed away from the city lights.... to the canyon in the mountains up the street.

Sure enough, the mountains mostly blocked out the city light, minus the pink glow over their ridges and the light of the half moon. And we weren't the only ones who thought it would make for prime meteor viewing.... each turn-off on the dark, winding mountain road was occupied by stargazers (and at least one pair of lovers, judging by the car with the fogged up windows). But luckily we found a spot of our own, and crawled on the roof of my (now perfectly functioning) car for the best view of the sky.

We saw two beautiful meteors in the first minute. After that, they were small and infrequent. Of course, there was a good bit of passing traffic headlights to distract us. Then we heard a shower of rocks falling from the mountainside next to us. We couldn't identify the source, but wondered what could be large enough to cause that much of a racket. I half-jokingly suspected mountain lion, and tried not to envision a horrible mauling and the morning's headlines about our untimely demise. Instead, we caught quick glimpses of a few more meteors before heading home an hour later. It was a work night, after all.

when did i become boring?

i truly feel like i have nothing to say. Not as in "at this very moment", but this entire month. What's the point of typing random words just for the sake of saying "i blog"?

I used to have something to say. Freshly-penned song lyrics, the newest idea for the stage, a word about God's hand in my/our lives, the latest silly story.... Now it seems as if the well has dried up, leaving parched, dry stones of sameness.

I suppose I could talk about our random company holiday. The plan was a morning of car maintenance followed by an afternoon of groovy friend time. The oil change and "please check out this random noise" became "we're sorry, but you have a big problem with your brakes". This also meant double the cost, which cut into the funds for Claudia's trip. As a bonus, the whole ordeal lasted until six o'clock, preventing groovy friend time altogether. I've since dealt with the disappointment, and reminded myself that a) at least i had the money, b) there are plenty of things to do with Claudia on a budget, and c) better to discover it now than break down somewhere. All this would be more acceptable if my "check engine" light didn't come on twenty-four hours after leaving the mechanic....

At least there was Saturday- the family trip to the beach. Nothing much to report there... the usual sun, sand, and waves. At this point, uneventful is appreciated.

Sunday was happy rehearsal (i no longer believe there's such thing as a bad rehearsal), followed by a "quiet" evening at home. Too many people in one house is never dull- like it or not. I won't bore you with the unnecessarily dramatic details.

That leaves us here in the second week of August. I have decided that, no matter what happens, i love August 2009. Part of this is due to Claudia's arrival on Friday. The rest is thanks to the jumbled routine. Tomorrow, I will grudgingly use sick time to take my car back to the mechanic's (you'd think we have joint custody or something). Then i work a couple days, which should move quickly as i try to get things in order for my week off! A week filled with fun Claudia things. When I do return, it should move quickly with all the necessary catching up. Then before you know it, it will be Labor Day. See how these things work out?

And hopefully, if my dream plans work out, there shall be some life-changing in September. THAT should make for more interesting blog entries, no?

a holiday where there is none

i think declaring holidays is a good idea.

i also think remembering to celebrate them regularly is swell, too.

We don’t have work tomorrow. It’s a work-wide “holiday”… a random day off as a consolation prize for the pay cuts that went into effect awhile back. This means I have a three-day weekend! :) And i am very ready for some time off. I shall spend my days getting my car repaired, relaxing and hanging out, and going to the beach.

Of course, i’ll be off early next Friday, to pick Claudia up from the airport. And i won’t work all the following week and I thoroughly enjoy every minute with my sister.

I’m feeling quite optimistic about August, so far.

We celebrated another new holiday recently. Well, sort of celebrated. My sisters and i decided to declare a holiday that only we would observe. This, being the first year, was quite low key…. and, in true-to-us fashion, will be slowly celebrated as we get around to sending things to each other. It wouldn’t be authentic if it were any other way!

i know i whine about work a lot, but it’s such a relief to not have to be there. The cliché weight is lifted from my shoulders… and i could not be more content than in a few moments, when i close my eyes and know i don’t have to get up and go back to my desk yet again. :)

collected nuggets

I know. I've become a sucky blogger. But really, i'm keeping you, darling reader, from boredom and wasted time. If there were more frequent entries, you'd get all the juicy details on topics such as:

Another work day pretty much the same as the rest!

Gee, i feel like I live in my office.

Traffic: it's what we do for dinner.

Hey, FishFest today... more work, but this time in a groovy atmosphere. (and yay for overtime!)

Claudia is coming in less than three weeks. Happy.

Reason to celebrate: car paid off.

Praying that car does not break down.

Family drama (biological and adopted) that i can't post, as to not perpetuate said drama.

Masquer is still good... nothing to report yet. Except September 26th is our fundraiser dinner and it'd be cool if you came.

In a vow to exercise more, i inflated the excercise/pilates ball i have. That's pretty much as far as I've gone to use it, as I have no clue what to do with it now.

For the second night in a row, I will be going to sleep before ten.




Here's to more entertaining/informative/creative/quality entries in the near future. I love you for continuing to read this..........

put off

i have a zillion things to say.

i'm also drained. Seems to be a frequent theme lately.

First, Jolie died. We don't really know why... we have a few theories about a well-hidden illness, or the giant black widow spider we found near where she slept. Maybe it was all the fireworks for the fourth that scared her into cardiac arrest. I don't know, and I never will. So i'll spend the energy trying not to dream about her or see her out of the corner of my eye. Anyone who's never loved a cat probably thinks I'm crazy or overly dramatic.

Of course, that's a possibility, too. I'm in the middle of a depressive cycle, got period hormones helping matters, and kind of stressed out about work lately. And there's lots of drama with the people I live with. I'm trying to pull out of this funk. It's only fair to everyone around me. And it's so much easier to accomplish necessary tasks when one is perky. AND Claudia will be here in a month, and I want everything to be awesome for her. That means no mental big sister. She doesn't need that, now does she?

So major thanks and kudos to those of you who don't give up on me, who stick out my drama and moods, and even offer much-needed encouragement. I don't know what i'd do without you. And i pray I don't burn you out.

Meanwhile, in case anyone is interested in the "what i'm doing lately" stuff, here's the run-down:

-Still rehearsing for upcoming Masquer fundraiser dinner (all those in So Cal are welcome to come... hehe, don't make me beg! :) )
- having fun spending some time with my friend who visits frequently from Mississippi.. this time with her lovely father and six dogs in tow... never dull! :) Animal affection always cheers me up.
- still dreaming of kicking my workplace to the curb. Though money and responsibility is necessary (and keeping me there), there has GOT to be a better way than all this drama and stress. I really don't think this was what God had in mind for our lives. Anyone want to hire a freelance writer for an extraordinary amount of money?
- I wrote some lyrics and might post them here, but i fear it's too emo.
- I got the new Regina Spektor album, and love it. However, tickets to her concert at the El Rey sold out, and a tiny little itty bitty piece of my heart broke. I'm still hoping there's some kind of miracle and someone I know has tickets/knows how to get tickets/tickets magically appear on my door step some morning. The Lord has worked many miracles of this sort in the past, perhaps He's a Regina fan, too? I have hope. That's something.

Right?

poop in a sugar cone

One of the radio hosts I work with says that politics is our faith in action.

Meanwhile, Tony Campolo (and i think G.K. Chesterton) liken the mix of politics and religion to horse manure and ice cream. The horse manure isn't any worse, but it ruins the ice cream (you can decide which is which).

Shane Claiborne opts for living as separated from the government as possible in his book, "Jesus for President".

My pastor brings up controversial political subjects more frequently since the 2008 presidential campaign. He explains it is our responsibility to be a light in the world by fighting for Godly values, and that includes in the political arena.

What do I think? I find myself torn between standing up for what I know to be true, and the benefits of church and state separation. I believe in freedom, and the gift of free will.... but I also care about humanity- a collection of individual brothers and sisters- and want the peace and happiness that comes from living Godly lifestyles. How can I sleep at night if i don't do everything I can to serve God and fellow man? How can I claim to believe what the Bible says, but not reflect that with my actions or my vote? Wouldn't that make me a hypocrite? How do you balance letting a person live their own life before it becomes a lack of caring or concern? Because "love your neighbor" seems like you should have at least a drop of compassion for their well-being- and that includes their soul.

Until then, i will try to live my faith instead of simply giving lip service to ideals. My actions should be speaking louder than my words. I'm still wary of the greed and manipulation of politics, and the hazard of biased media and incomplete facts.

It's all a work in progress.

antisocial

There are a ton of people at our house, celebrating Father’s Day, a cousin turning three, and a sister in from out of town. A minute ago, i had to usher a group of kids out of my room. While I didn’t mind the high-schoolers using my computer briefly, i could do without the middle-schoolers eating chocolate cake on my bed spread and pre-schoolers grabbing anything they could reach to use as a toy.

I could try to describe the convoluted family tree, which includes my roommate’s extended family, her stepdad’s relatives, and beyond…. but it’s entirely confusing and not worth the hassle. While I am always blessed to be considered part of the family, selfishly, i am a bit sad to see my weekend already over. Most of yesterday was spent getting ready for today, and though there were many fun moments, i’m restricted in my activities. I feel rude not helping more (and will likely soon venture out of my sanctuary to gather discarded napkins and salvage recyclables). But at the same time…. unlike many here, i have a job that sucks up my week. Weekends are my only chance to do my own stuff. And next week is another family birthday party, so we might as well copy and paste this entry again seven days from now.

I suppose it’s pathetic to continue whining over this living situation. i SHOULD be counting my blessings

*********************

The next day…..

My writing was interrupted by a call to help clean, as predicted. This was followed by conversation in the backyard, and a good night’s sleep. When I re-read the previous paragraphs, i feel selfish, rude, and whiny (despite any elements of truth that are also included). The big picture includes good times with precious people, and every moment can’t be a picnic. It just doesn’t work that way. I am VERY, VERY blessed, and i have no right to ever forget that.

i have absolutely nothing to say

Isn’t this the stereotypical description of a blogger? Feeling all self-important for having a blog and writing with nothing of importance to say? Phenomenal.

I’m bored and irritated, and there is very little i’m in the mood to do. And a night with time to do anything i darn well feel like doing has been on my wish list for awhile. In fact, i purposely wrote “PLAN NOTHING” on both my large desk calendar and pocket planner. And the lazy day started quite well. I slept in. I did my chores when I got around to them. i ate when i felt hungry instead of when i needed something to lift my spirits or avoid something i didn’t want to do. There was even a casual wal*mart trip for essentials like deodorant and cat food (and non-essentials, like beads and body spray).

So when was the mood-killing crankiness birthed? Perhaps it was the moment that Sophia and I couldn’t decide which movie to see (who in America DOESN’T want to see “Up”?? i thought for sure that’d be a winner….). Or maybe it was my stupid decision to open my mouth and confess that i didn’t care about Jennifer Aniston’s love life? The beginning doesn’t matter as much as the end result- a fight and cancelled plans, leaving Saturday night devoid of both plans and the motivation to enjoy it (and i refuse to go into details about the argument, out of respect for my roommate).

i explored my options… nintendo, beading or other craftiness, painting, guitar-playing, reading, journaling….. but declined so not to create unoriginal emo-art of any sort. I settled on watching E! (perhaps some kind of pop-culture penance for the previously-mentioned Aniston gaffe?), but Chelsea Handler and Joel McHale did not satisfy the companionship i sought. And i ended up here, online, again.

Perk: chatting with a friend. :) Non-perk (what IS the opposite of perk?): discovering creepy website, lookupanyone-dot-com (i do NOT want to promote them). With just my first and last name (available to anyone any shred of search skills) and forty bucks, you can find a list of places i’ve lived (down to the “hometown” i’ve never actually lived in- people, i’ve moved more than ten times!), and relatives… they even have my grandmother’s name, and my mom and sister’s middle name. While I know the internet is one worldwide bulletin board, this just irritated me and creeped me out.

Where does that leave me? Still cranky and unmotivated, too early to sleep but too late to do anything, and one random blog entry.

step aside, tina fey

Time for another weekend update….

On Saturday, I had the opportunity to go hang out with my friend Jen, and her husband, Bob. They had flown all the way from the midwest to San Diego, so it only seemed fair for me to drive a mere couple hours south, right? y l

Not that San Diego is a horrible place to spend a Saturday. Bob and Jen were staying right near Seaport Village, a little tourist-y shopping area that I had yet to check out. They introduced me to a little restaurant on the water, but sadly there was little time to check out the shopping (which simply means I’ll have to return. pity.). But it was fantastic to visit with them! Jen belongs on my list of people-i-wish-i-could-spend-time-with-regularly.

Since I was in the vicinity, I also spent time with my friend Shelly. We randomly went to the San Diego zoo for the afternoon. Shelly used to work with me, and i’ve really missed her since she moved. So the combination of hanging out with her plus checking out the animals and zoo stuff was fantastic.

My little independent day trip was just happy. :)

But if that wasn’t enough to make for a good, high quality weekend…. rehearsal began for the next Masquer show the very next day! The cast reassembled (well, some of us) for more of a meeting than rehearsal. The Godspell-in-Texas production has been indefinitely postponed, and we will be doing a fundraiser dinner in September. While everyone (and hopefully some of you, hint, hint ;) ) is eating, we’ll be performing scenes from past and future productions.

After rehearsal, it was back to Sara and Ryan’s for dinner with everyone. It’s always good to be among amazing friends. Masquer time is just happy….

So after such a blissfully wonderful weekend, how could a wave of depression hit so hard? Why do i operate like this? I try to remind myself that it’s just brain chemicals gone askew, but that only goes so far to not feel like the world is caving in. I can ignore it and act like everything is normal- to a point. i’m still incredibly irritable at work, i still lack the desire to do anything (including the chest-high pile of laundry in my closet….. as long as i still have SOMEthing to wear, right?). Part of me wants to push to get out of the funk, while the rest of me knows it’s almost futile to try to force it to pass more quickly. The only solution i’ve found is a balance between laying in bed staring at the ceiling and forced acts of normalcy. Thank goodness for those theatrical skills. i’ll just act like i feel ok, until eventually i do.

But for tonight, i’ll listen to my melancholy playlist until i fall asleep.

am i missing it?

Supposedly, it's storming. This is the view from my office:

i was happy to take the mail down to the mailbox to see for myself what kind of weather was actually happening. Sure enough, rain (no sign of thunder or lightning). I took a deep breath to enjoy that cool, dampness... and got a big gulp of secondhand cigarette smoke. I fully support any measures to ban smoking in public places. I'm sorry if you smokers think I'm infringing on your rights, but you're infringing on MY right to oxygen.

Meanwhile, this weekend was pretty darn amazing:

Friday night- pay day! Translation: finally able to go to Target for groceries and necessities! Woot! To celebrate, Sophia introduced me to Chipotle. Which I liked, but perhaps the hype was more than necessary, since I wasn't wowed. At the end of the night, before bed, i mentioned to Sophia how much fun I had, and asked if she did, too. She said buying things she needs wasn't fun, but buying what we WANT. That struck me as interesting, because I wanted what I needed.

Saturday- HIKING! I happily anticipated this excursion for weeks. I hadn't been hiking since I moved here in 2003. To add to the tragic irony, I live five minutes from mountains with fantastic hiking trails. But until this weekend, I had no hiking buddies to ensure i wouldn't make headline news by getting lost. And it was an amazing day. The trip was challenging, but just enough so it was still very fun. I'm still getting to know the people I went with, so it was nice to spend time with good company. Beautiful scenery, fresh air, out of the city noise and craziness, no cell phones..... happy. We crossed streams (well, one stream multiple times) and enjoyed woods-y shade, walked over rocks in the sun, and took desert-like paths with plants that speared you if you weren't careful. Our destination was 4.5 miles in, a bridge that was once a work project in the thirties. Anything resembling "road" had long since been washed out by floods, and the project was abandoned before they got to the next important step- blasting through the mountain to give the bridge a destination. So now it is aptly named "Bridge to Nowhere" and serves as a bungee jump site. Check out my pics (there's a link off to the left side here labeled "my pics") for the incredible views!

Sunday- church in the morning, a quick spurt of house cleaning, then I got to hang out with my friend, Corina. It's rare for our schedules to match, so to celebrate, we explored and found the one Sonic in our area! Something else I've missed since 2003.... ocean water slushies! When I returned home, I discovered family gathering for a campfire in the backyard. Hot dog and marshmallow roasting were made complete with stories. Even Jolie came to sit on my lap and purr.

Is it any wonder I live for weekends?

long weekends are really short

Apparently, I'm some sort of weekend warrior, trying to jam as much awesomeness into as little time as possible. Memorial day weekend was no exception. The only thing I didn't do was take pictures. I really mean to do that again. When did I get so lame?

Saturday was Productive Day. I got my hair trimmed and the oil changed in my car. I got a few things at Kmart on my shopping list. I was convinced to tag along on a trip to Kohl's, and spent some quality time in the clearance section finding items I've been needing for awhile (haha, so what if my work shoes had a literal hole in the sole....).

Sunday was Dodger Day. A big group of Cali family members trekked to the stadium to watch our team lose to the Angels. Highlights included a homerun landing not too far in front of our stellar left field seats, entertaining drunk people, and some guy falling over the fence onto the field- only to be quickly pulled up by his ankles back into the stands by his friends. Bonus: i hear my nostalgic number one team (who i rarely follow from here), the Reds, beat the Indians. At least one of my teams saw victory.

Monday was Not Quite Lazy Day. After going to bed at 7:30 the night before, I slept soundly until ten am. The rest of the day I cleaned and did little things here and there, not-so-secretly hoping for something exciting to do. We ended up going to the movies to see "The Soloist" (good movie- recommended).

Now it's back to the routine. I'm trying to have a good, thankful attitude.

Jolie remains around... using this as her home base between wanderings. I feel cruel sometimes, not giving her attention like I used to. But she cries for attention outside long after dark, or at five am- not optimum times for me to just go sit outside and keep her company. I'm not sure how to be a good pet owner of an outside cat. i miss her napping next to me while I work or read, or curling up to sleep at night. Or playing fetch with her catnip mice or chasing the laser pointer. She's not interested in those things anymore, now that real hunting is an option. I don't want to be sad about her, so I detach under the guise of "she's happier playing outside". Then again, maybe she is, and she only misses me at dinner time (something quickly remedied with food).

On Saturday, I'm joining friends to hike in the canyon. I'm super excited about that, evidenced by the fact I keep thinking about it randomly. Perhaps I can revive neglected photography then. Seems appropriate, doesn't it?

biding my time and counting down

It is like all the crazy busyness at work came to an abrupt halt. Half the office is already gone, my coworker included. The rest of us finish up our work in relative quiet- a rarity for the station. It's likely I will be free in a couple of hours, though that may not do much for avoiding traffic... it's still awesome of my boss.

Anyone have fun weekend plans? Tomorrow i'm doing the responsible stuff... haircut, oil change, cleaning.... And Sunday we will be cheering on the Dodgers as they take on the Angels. As for Monday, I wish it could be a beach day. But since everyone goes there on holidays, it's not as much fun. I'm purposely making no plans in the name of relaxation. And I would be foolishly rude if I did not make mention of the reason for the holiday- remembering those who fight and sometimes even die for our benefit.

Yesterday I had an epiphany. Each day, I find myself more and more detached from my job, and i don't think it's mature or healthy. But there are a lot of good things about working at the station, and a lot of reasons I like it...... so yesterday I worked through various options concerning my car. It will be paid off by July, which is awesome. However, it's got over 117,000 miles on it, and I drive at LEAST fifty miles a day. Add to that the random problems from the past year, and a person has to wonder how much longer it will be carrying me from point A to points B-Z. Perhaps it's wise to trade it in while it has some value? But then I'll be back to square one with more debt..... It was then the epiphany occured: I cannot afford my job.

While I earn reasonable paychecks (especially considering how thankful I am to BE EMPLOYED), the live-with-Sophia's-family-and-pay-off-bills plan is quite slow-going. Factor in the company-wide salary decrease, and it's slower still. Her family is very generous and welcoming, but I do not want to take advantage of their hospitality. If I pay off my car (and it lasts), it's possible that I could move out by the new year. If I don't.... then I'm definitely not going anywhere quickly at all. And that doesn't seem right.....

Then, my moment of clarity reminded me of one minor detail.... my student loan payments increase in January. I think that's when my head hit the desk. Repeatedly. (Figuratively, anyway.)

I hesitate to type out all these financial details... it seems tactless, and I know there are people with bigger issues than this. But it's heavy on my mind. This is my space to write/thought process. And perhaps someone reading will have all the answers. Haha, or at least slap me back into reality with a "it's not that bad!".

Then my little bipolar self went to the extreme. What if I could just start over and build a happy little life? I considered all points... the fact that I detest being confined to an office all day, and that the constant sitting at my desk and in my car aggravated the back pain that is desperately trying to heal. Speaking of the commute, it's sucks two hours of my day and leaves me feeling glazed over and brain dead. Not to mention the expense of gasoline and auto maintenance. But Claudia is coming in August, and i need funds for that. And i still need to get contact lenses. What if I could live closer to the beach? A job near the beach with less driving.... I could get rid of my car altogether and just stick close to my happy beach-y home. I could get a bike! That'd be lovely, but what about church in El Monte and Masquer in Anaheim? Those are non-negotiable. What do I want to do? I want to start my mornings at a reasonable hour, with no rush. Maybe yoga, devotions, and a healthy breakfast? I want to write, freelance. Screenplays. Books. Commercials. Magazine articles. Anything. But how to get started without living in poverty? Would poverty be so bad? Actually, I could live with that. Living simply sounds lovely. But there's the whole matter of debt, and anyone who has cosigned on my debt. I could deal with the consequences of irresponsibility, but no one else should suffer on my behalf, especially after being so supportive.... Soon my head is swimming in a churning sea of questions, possibilities, and obstacles.

Of course, I pray. After all, God still sees the big picture, has all the answers, and has good things planned for me. I trust Him, i just don't always trust myself to make the best decisions. Last I heard from Him, I needed to take it a day at a time and let Him direct my steps. Am I rushing things? Do I just need to keep waiting? Or maybe I misunderstood? It's been two years since I walked away from normal adult independence... do i just keep waiting? Really? Then again, things can change in a day (but will they?).

At this very moment, i lack nothing. The Bible says not to worry about tomorrow, because each day has enough trouble of it's own (does it ever....). But am i irresponsible to sit back and stay in this perpetual holding pattern?

r-u-n-n-o-f-t

 

No one else seems to remember that line from “Oh Brother Where Art Thou”…. but it still makes me laugh.

Jolie has returned! Praise God! She showed up late last night, whining and really skittish. We think someone had her, but let her go when they saw our signs around the neighborhood. Of course, we gave her a warm welcome with lots of attention and treats. I put her old purple collar on her, figuring a collar at least is a signal that she has a home, even if she no longer has her i.d. tag (lost with her most recent collar). Within thirty minutes she was settled in, climbing the screen door, and irritating Sophia’s stepdad. And wouldn’t you know, she’s off again today. I can only sigh and know that if she survived two days away, she’ll be ok. Even if it was abruptly out of character…. Because it’s the best I can do.

Besides waking up to a missing cat, I opened my eye to a crappy headache this morning. Suspecting migraine, I popped a couple of ibuprofen, texted my boss and coworker, and tried to sleep it off. Hours later, it’s down to a manageable dull roar. While this suggests it’s not a migraine (yay), it’s a good reminder that I need to cut down on sugar, as it’s pretty much the guaranteed trigger.

During this day of rest and relaxation, we have rented movies from yesterday. Before the sort-of-predictable Desperate Housewives finale, we watched “Vicky Christina Barcelona” (rented because of the hype). I liked the style and some of the story, but the ending was a bit flat. And i’m really not sure why Penelope Cruz got an award… We just finished “Henry Poole Was Here” (rented for lack of hype). I really liked it, actual. Sometimes Luke Wilson’s acting is a little flat, but it was a good story with fun little details weaved in for flavor. This is recommended. Up later this week (or maybe today): “Rachel Getting Married” and “Young At Heart” (documentary about choir of old people who kick butt).

Meanwhile, all weekend effort to get sun to my legs has apparently failed. They are still a healthy shade of whitewash. Perhaps a full beach day is in order.

recent news

Have you seen me?

Jolie is missing!

Calico cat, a bit on the pudgy side,
mostly black with brown patches and white neck, tummy, and feet. Tan stripe nose.

Please call 626-260-2729
and let her people know she is safe!

**************

Yesterday was the epitome of weekend. Random exploring, hanging out with Sophia and Daylene, playing in the ocean, Joe’s Crab Shack. But when all was said and done, Jolie was not waiting for me when I got home. She ran off on Friday, after being scared by the loud, mischevious, cat-threatening teenage boy cousins…. and no sign of her since. Of course, a newly-banished-to-life-outdoors cat will explore and be gone for hours at a time. But Jolie was still a homebody. She still meowed at the door for us to come hang out with us. She’s never been gone for this long.

When I looked for a new home for her, this was not what I had in mind.

another item in the museum of rarities

It’s Saturday, early afternoon. I am the only one home. The television is not on. I’ve finished my portion of the cleaning (vacuuming and dusting). I have a load in the washer, one in the dryer, and two more in the hamper waiting their turn to soak and spin. Meanwhile, my Jolie-desecrated carpet patiently waits its turn (and Sophia’s return home for assistance) to be cleaned with a borrowed steam cleaner.

I did have plans for today, but discovered a $100 error in my checkbook. The good news is that I am aware of it before I overdrew my account. The bad news is that I will be living until next Friday’s paycheck on level orange, conserving gas and every last penny by trying not to spend.

And for the record, I totally made up the level orange thing. But at this rate, such an emergency system might be wise, haha.

Breaking news: the family has returned. I am no longer alone and peaceful. In mere seconds, the television will be on at high volume.

It also seems my computer is not cooperating. Maybe i’ll write more tomorrow. Bah. i refuse to let a quality Saturday go to waste.

late night caffeinated musings

Ok, so it’s not really that late, it’s barely 10:30p. Today’s just been a long day of nothing, so it feels later than it truly is. Then again, I guess it’s not fair to call it nothing. Some noteworthy events took place. I’ve been upgraded to seeing the chiropractor in two weeks instead of one. This means that my back is healing, and I will spend half as much of my dwindling paycheck on back repair. I wrote a spot for a property management company with humor. I budgeted the aforementioned dwindling paycheck all the way through August, including plan to pay off my car possibly by July. I mailed the mother’s day gift my father, sister, and I collaborated on. And I just ended a sentence in a preposition and didn’t go back to fix it.

Wait. I can’t do it.

It should read “I mailed the mother’s day gift on which my father, sister and i collaborated.”

I know. It’s a sickness.

So I have only received music suggestions from Becca. Which is awesome. But i’m seeking variety. So even if you only recommend a song or two in the comments following this blog, it would rock.

I’m also accepting suggestions on how to pay bills without a desk job.

What? We’ve heard me whine about this before?

Claudia comes in 97 days. We start “Godspell” rehearsal in a couple of weeks. I am going to a Dodger game on the 24th. I just found out a friend from Kentucky college is pitching for them, and that is groovy.

And if anyone knows how to change the settings on my cursor on my laptop so it quits clicking things at random, I would seriously love you forever. And even send you a gift of some sort. I would’ve been finished writing this a long time ago if I didn’t have to keep fixing things.

Tomorrow co-workers and i are eating lunch at the park. Happy. Maybe i’ll invent other ways to escape linear-type life. Care to join me?

i shouldn't be so awake

I hung out with a friend last night. This friend is dear, but rarely near. And when she's in town, it's often a flurry of busyness before she flies out again. So a kick-back evening is a nice surprise. After a simple dinner and hours of talking, I left feeling encouraged and uplifted. I don't know that this is a result of the topics of conversation (though they were great and sometimes deep), but just the quality time with two hearts bound by the Holy Spirit.

God is teaching me about having a servant's heart, i'm pretty sure. And I'm failing at these lessons. Every day at work, tasks come up that make me grumble and cause frustration. Then I hear that voice-that's-not-mine in my head reminding me that I'm "in class" and it's a hands-on object lesson. For a moment, I acknowledge this and go about serving. Then I complain to someone. If I'm really doing well, I just complain in my head. Which means I'm complaining in my heart and I might as well voice it- it's just as bad. And I know that until i learn this lesson, I won't move forward. We all know how much I yearn to move forward (assuming, of course, that forward means free from the shackles of an office job to swim in the joy of my dreams). At the moment, it's me holding me back.... so when will I get it?? I suppose comprehending this in my head is the beginning of grasping it in my heart, followed by evidence in my attitude and behavior....

On a lighter note, I'm in the market for new music. My sister, Becca, sent me a cd a few months ago. I love it. And I love that it's Becca-flavored. Then I thought, what would it be like if I had random friend/family-flavored mixes? I'm not asking you to spend money or burn a cd or anything, but if you want to email a playlist to littlestarshining@gmail.com, iTunes and I will be overjoyed.

It's time to sort mail. I'm trying to infuse my day with reminders of free-spiritness. Maybe that will revive the inner Stargirl in me. I think I'll know for sure when I start playing guitar and writing songs and creating art again. For now, it starts with wearing a new fun piece of jewelry, taking walks at lunch, and blogging optimistically when I should be working instead.

wary anticipation

I eye the weekend with happiness and hesitation. I love weekends for the sleeping in, the flexible schedule, the freedom, and the chance to do things that I love to do, instead of need to do to earn a paycheck. This weekend is set strike for Masquer and helping Sophia and her mom with a jewelry party. These are fun things that I'm happy to do, but somehow I feel overwhelmed.

I haven't taken pictures in a long time. I don't know why, since I have a lot of fun doing so. But I haven't felt inspired.

Perhaps it's this month's random sickness... I had a cold, then back injury, then another severe cold/flu- accompanied with persisting back pain. Thankfully, my back is slowly improving each day. But I'm frustrated that I'm not normal yet. That I can't sit comfortably for any period of time. That I'm slower and less focused that I want to be.

But enough of the pity party. I've been doing that for too long!

I didn't intend this entry to be so me-focused. There are a lot of things on my mind, but too many interruptions have butchered my already waning thought process. Besides, the freeway could use another car during rush hour.

lazy sunday survey

Yesterday’s big event was Relay for Life- my first ever. I do realize that most everyone else in the world has participated, so I won’t tell you what you already know. It was good to participate, and Sophia and her mom were inspired to return next year with our own team. I think it will be fun to camp out and be there the whole time, instead of just the evening.

Today has just been filled with church and much-needed rest. I’m in the mood for fries and a shake, so we’re going to a fifties diner. Yes, it’s a luxury. But I haven’t spent money on going-out-and-doing-something-fun in a couple of paychecks. So one fun meal won’t hurt, right?

And I feel like doing a survey. So yeah.

*********

Halfway through the survey, I got tired of it’s lameness and deleted it. I’m ready for dinner.

Oh, and I’m trying Twitter. I have mixed feelings about it, but if you’re on board, I’m malthestar and would love to follow your updates.

Milkshake and fries, here I come.

woke up new

This may lack substance and be a stream of consciousness entry, but I feel like writing…. whether I have a subject or not.

It’s Saturday morning, not too early, and not too late. We are doing Relay for Life this evening, and today will be filled with random productivity. The weather is in the low 60’s… that happy medium where most people are comfy even if some of us are chilly. And after a full day of sleeping and old sitcom reruns (how did I forget how amusing “Just Shoot Me” was? Or was it only amusing because I was drugged and half awake?), I have emerged from the blasted feverish achiness that came with this cold. The runny/stuffy nose I can deal with (which begs the question how it can be runny AND stuffy at the same time), but I am quite happy to say farewell to the other symptoms.

I am contemplating Twitter. Right now it has more “cons” than “pros”. Namely, it’s one more thing that needs upkeep and isn’t really necessary. However, I can update my facebook status at the same time, so that gives it one point in its favor. We’ll see. I still don’t feel strongly enough about it to take action.

If anyone knows how to fix the sensitivity on my laptop touchpad, can you share your wisdom? Currently, it just randomly decides what it wants to click, and it’s a pain in the butt. I think I might invest in a laptop mouse…. we’ll see.

Really, I can’t be investing in anything right now. Darn economy and tight finances. Some friends from work want me to join a gym with them, and while it would be fun and very beneficial, it’s just not in the cards. I remind myself that gym memberships are luxuries! Though a very awesome co-worker blessed Danielle and me with a 30-day pass to the Total Woman Gym a couple blocks from work. We registered, then I got sick again. Lame, huh? We start for real on Monday, after wasting the past few days.

Yeah, this is pointless. I’m going to post anyway. Then I’m going to start some laundry, clean the bathroom, and clean my room of the random “to-do” piles that have accumulated. But maybe I’ll read first…..

reply

 

My sister, Becca, says- “ugh, miss california. she says "no offense." that's the killer. um, well, sorry miss cali, you're standing up for the belief that people shouldn't have equal rights. that. is. offensive. sorry to sound cynical, but if she's working hard to change the world by parading around in a swimsuit and supporting bigotry, i'm completely unimpressed.”

But I think she missed the point.

In this case, the gay marriage issue isn’t the key. The battle could be over anything, but what makes the Miss California story notable is the idea that only certain beliefs are ok to speak. Perhaps some people have forgotten our unalienable rights?

Miss California was asked a question in an interview. My understanding is that contestants are judged on their speaking skills and thoughtfulness. However, the question was posed by a judge with a bias. If this judge decided to lower her score based on his opinion (one that could be offensively by a large group of people, for that matter), then that’s his prerogative as a judge. However, he went further and publicly demeaned her (with even more offensive language, if we’re keeping an offense tally). What I observe is a judge stepping out of bounds to be cruel and without class- and the criticism going to a girl who answered a question honestly.

So maybe her methods of making a difference aren’t what most of us choose to do, or even fully respect. But it’s her thing. It’s what she’s good at and what she enjoys. I imagine Carrie Prejean feels the same way about beauty pageants as I do about theater, architects about building, gardeners about landscape, teachers about education, and so on. And isn’t that what we all do- use our passion in an attempt to better the world?

Perhaps as a society we are too busy looking for offenses. We are all going to be irritated, put-off, insulted, or disgusted every now and then. That’s the beauty of living in a country where free speech is permitted and celebrated. The mix of the most varied ideas is what causes us to think, reshape our own ideas, and become better people for it. Because you don’t agree and it makes you mad doesn’t take away a person’s right to speak. And it doesn’t necessarily mean they are wrong.

how can i be tired already?

 

The days seem to end without my permission. Hours slip through my fingertips, tasks lists unfinished. Mornings come too quickly, and ambitions to rise early are met with the rush of sleeping later than desired. Beginning the day with failure is not the best way to set the mood.

I imagine I’ll reread this tomorrow and roll my eyes at the melodrama. For now, i’ll type what I can before my eyes can’t stay open any longer.

“One Voice” is over….. and, as is the case with most shows, it is bittersweet. It’s good to move forward, to rest, and to catch up on all things neglected during production weeks. There are future shows to happily anticipate. This is only touched with some sadness of the good-bye to project, and more importantly, the precious time with precious people. But God did His work, and there is more work to do.

My back is healing (yay!), though slower than I would like (boo!). As long as I don’t sit too long, I’m ok. Unfortunately, sleeping is uncomfortable. This seems a tad bit unfair…..

I’m finally participating in Relay for Life on Saturday! I’ve wanted to do it for years, and it’s never worked out. There are so many dear people in my life who have battled cancer- for better or for worse. I’ve always  felt helpless, and feel like it’s a chance to do something productive, no matter how small a thing that is. That being said, in order for the efforts to be fruitful, I need sponsors! Check out my fundraising page if you’d like to be supportive: http://main.acsevents.org/goto/malindaspage (thank you in advance!).

I want to high five Miss California, and pray she stays strong. Pageant contestants dream of changing the world, and I think she’s taken a great step to do just that. Stick with your guns, girl. Don’t let cultural pressure cause you to compromise what you know is true. And really, if Perez Hilton is your biggest detractor… My pinky toe has more class. ;)

Is it lame that I really like the “Brand New Day” song from the Target commercials and sort of want to download it? I’m such a sell-out to carefully schemed marketing.

Other news… Jolie is SO close to being taken to a shelter. Just when I’m about to grab her carrier to load her up, she gets a reprieve. We are going to steam clean my carpet, and if she can behave, she gets to stay. Please pray for miracles.

Thanks to an awesome, generous co-worker, I have a thirty-day membership to Total Woman Gym. I’m excited and plan on using the heck out this free thirty days. The goal is that it jump starts my campaign to being in waaaaay better shape for the next Masquer show. Current obstacle: my enthusiastic reunion with sweets. I think they’re going to have to go, but I lack the spiritual resolve that got me through Lent. Help?

nodding off

Quick blurb while I'm covering the front desk for the receptionist's lunch break....

I think "The Office" is jumping the shark. And this makes me sad. We'll see how the rest of the season plays out, but I may be in the market for a new favorite show.

The play is going fantastically well. We had a great run this weekend, and I'm really looking forward to the three shows this coming weekend. This also means that you can still come see it! It's free, it's in Anaheim, and i am happy to provide more details if you want to come. I posted pics on my facebook, and fully intend to put them here as well. However, I am short on time these days, so please forgive me! You can check out http://jchphotography.wordpress.com/2009/04/10/masquer-ministries-presents-one-voice-a-drama-for-easter/ for a great slideshow and stills from the show by an excellent photographer.

My back is happily healing. However, the doctor had me on crutches for a couple days. This felt quite a bit ridiculous and over the top (but apparently helped it heal instead of become worse). I was happy to return the crutches just in time for opening night, and every day it improves. I'm still uncomfortable if I sit for too long (as in Easter church service + car + lunch at a Mexican restaurant + more car), but I'm optimistic and able to go about daily activities.

It's also good to be less distracted by back pain, because work is still busy. I'm starting to achieve the balance of human resources and copywriting. I'm also learning how to schedule meetings with congress people, thanks to my current boss-mandated project. Though initially intimidating, it is simply another instance of assistants communicating to get the job done. Yay corporate America.

four pillows, a laptop, and a turtle

I love that my grandma texts now. While a phone conversation would be better, time zone and schedule differences make that difficult. Texting, however, is a happy thing.

Good news on the work front! I got a semi-promotion! I am officially a copywriter in addition to my HR duties. Once I moved from the front desk, I no longer had time to write (most of my writing was done extra-curricularly anyway). Now, I will divide my regular work day into five hours of administrative tasks and three hours of writing. I am quite happy. It’s on a trial basis for now, but I’m quite optimistic.

Ironically, now that I am looking forward to something about work, I am not there. Thanks to some mysterious cause (I am starting to wonder about my recent time on the exercise equipment at the park), my lower back is out of sorts. Sitting hurts. Standing hurts. Walking hurts. In fact, there are a lot of things that hurt that I never knew were possible. I tried to ignore it and work through yesterday. After all, the last time this happened it only took a day of rest followed by a day of taking it slow, and I was back in the saddle. Apparently, sitting in my car for an hour-long commute was the straw that broke this busy gal’s back.

So after painfully hobbling around the office as if I were old enough to retire, I called a chiropractor. And while that decision was made out of desperation, it was the best decision ever. Not only did I walk out of there feeling MUCH better (emphasis on the ability to walk comfortably!), but i really liked their friendly office, down to the cool gadgets and pet turtles. I felt 85% better, and figured the rest would follow in the next day or so.

But, long story short, I’m at home today, doing what I can to get some kind of work done despite being on my back propped up between pillows. Though at the moment, I’m actually quite comfortable. I thank the prescription pain pills Sophia’s stepdad shared with me….

Hopefully, tomorrow’s follow-up appointment with the chiropractor will smooth it all out. Especially since Sunday begins tech week for the play, and we open next Friday! It’s gonna be fantastic. :)

schedule beyond sanity

As the play nears production, I have reviewed my calendar. It's insane. Throw in long days at work, combined with routine tennis and church, and the incidental lunches-to-keep-people-i-love-in-touch, baby-sitting job, or garage sale.... and it's breath-taking.

However, I have a few minutes to kill at the moment. I'd like to use this rare moment to complete a survey. And it's only fair to say i stole it from kenlevine.blogspot.com.

1. What newspapers do you read?
I skim USA Today when delivering it to the studio in the morning, and I get CNN headline feed on my homepage. Sometimes the Drudge Report. I know two of those aren't newspapers, but internet news is more up-to-date without killing trees.

2. Which ones do you move your lips to while reading? I don't.

3. Which Web sites are on your favorites bookmark? i only use my favorites for sites i don't visit often enough to remember, such as as the charity click-to-support (and good to shop through) sites and freebie sites- and my yahoo NCAA brackets. Go Memphis!

4. Where do you get your car washed?On the 210 freeway when it's raining... occasionally the drive-thru gas station car wash, or the put-in-quarters-and-quick!-wash-your-car! place.

5. Do you know your dentist's first name? I used to. I've only been to this one once. And I keep having to reschedule. Oh, and there's a group of them so I don't know who I'm going to get, haha.

6. Do you believe newspapers are going to die? If so, when?I think they'll evolve, for the reasons mentioned in the first question.

7. What was the last book you read? I'm in the middle of the entire Chronicles of Narnia, and it is awesome still.

8. What's the last book you say you read?I don't mind telling the truth, I have nothing to hide!!

9. If you got a unicorn what would you name it? Lasaraleen of it's a girl-icorn and October if it's a boy-icorn

10. What does your TiVo think about you? My TiVo doesn't exist, so does it have power of thought? Ponder THAT philosophers!

11. Character of fiction you most resemble? Stargirl Caraway

12. Who plays you in your bio-pic? some unknown chubby actress

13. Do you floss? Not as often as I should. I use Crest Pro Health though.

14. Did you ever believe your toys come alive when you leave the room? Did I? I don't think so.... Do you still? I still have residual dislike for robots/animatronics/anything that acts "alive when it clearly isn't. This is based on childhood fear.

15. How many old cell phones do you own? I just have my current phone. And I would appreciate it not dying as it is threatening.... my upgrade isn't for awhile

16. Best show legendary biz/movie star encounter. Chuck Norris. I'm totally not kidding.

17. Do you get satellite radio? Nope

18. And as a follow do you "get" satellite radio?Yes, but eh, I don't want to pay for my radio. I think it dilutes the community aspect of the medium.

19. Do you read the Enquirer/InTouch/US/people? Only if it's laying around while I'm waiting for something and there are no other choices. It's a waste of time and is a catalyst for a bundle of society's problems. I hate TMZ, for the record.

20. Do you lie about it? HA. What do you think?

An addition not for my myspace blog:

This week, I discovered a cache of floppy disks in storage. They contained things from high school and when I was at KWC. This includes my open diary from junior year! I couldn't believe it. I haven't gone through it all, but I am happy to say I'm not as completely lame as I expected. Though I can't believe how low in depression I was... I sincerely am surprised I made it past that stage. It reminded me the part of "A Horse and His Boy" where Shasta is running through the forest with Aslan. He doesn't realize how close to the edge he is, until he revisits the path later. Had he known, he would've freaked out, and he was glad that Aslan stayed between him and the steep drop to death. I'm glad, too.

reprieve

Upside of mandatory vacation? I'm not at work today. So thank you, Salem, for allowing me to ditch your stress in favor of sleeping in and March Madness.

Everyone seems surprised that I'm interested in the games and actually sitting here watching basketball while I type. My theory is that, thanks to the brackets, I actually have something invested in who wins or loses. So far I've only missed three... but it's still early. The prize? The losers buy dinner for the winner. Yay for economic solutions.

So what shall I do for the rest of my long weekend? I contemplated the beach, but the idea was killed due to weekday traffic and the amount of things I need to do... the next 72 hours will be filled with:
cleaning the cat box
"One Voice"
rehearsal
eye dr. appointment
vacuuming my car
lunch with Sophia
working on kids Easter performance
exercise of some sort- the weather is beautiful
going to Target for miscellaneous needs
buying dance shoes and tights
church
reading
cleaning the bathroom
likely dinner with Sophia's family

In other news, I miss chocolate more than certain family members (you can guess which ones, haha). With the exception of a couple birthday treats that I imagine the Lord would forgive, I've stuck with no-sweets-for-Lent. This means that I have not had ice cream, cookies, cake, chocolate, granola bars, pop tarts, muffins, soda, milkshakes, or candy since February 26th. This also means that I have 22 days 11 hours and 53 minutes until my Easter celebration. ;) I bought a box of thin mint girl scout cookies from a co-worker that I will be freezing for the event. Although, I am going to attempt to be super-minimal on my sugar intake after Easter. I am working on being in better shape, and I don't need additional set-backs.

the letter

The letter finally came last night. Sophia texted to announce it's arrival, and I had her open it and read it over the phone.

The Director's Guild regrets to inform me that I will not be proceeding further in the selection process for the Assistant Director's Training Program. They say thanks for applying, and suggest I try again next year.

I knew it was a long shot, but I foolishly had hope. Especially since, as a grown-up, I can't take internships. And no one wants to hire me for entry positions when plenty of film school students and current interns are on hand.

My head reminds me that God still has a plan, and for some reason, He's still keeping me at the station. He sees the big picture, after all. And the possibilities are still endless.

But my pesky heart won't stop being sad. And, for the moment, feels imprisoned in piles of paperwork and dying dreams.

i hate when time sails by and i miss things

Bah. My blog is going to pot. If anything, I require more time in my day so that I can keep everything updated!!! My condolences to my semi-neglected pen-and-paper journal as well....

The birthday fun was pretty cool. Did the Disneyland thing, and it was a good time to go. Perfect weather, but not too crowded. We did pretty much everythign we wanted to do. I don't really have pictures though, unfortunately. Sophia and family aren't fond of being photographed, and didn't want to engage in silly poses. Pity. It was interesting to see just how many people have the same birthday! They give you a "Happy Birthday" pin, and a ton of people had 'em. And I think I got a record number of birthday well-wishing from strangers! It was a fun time, and I have a 2fer ticket in case anyone wants to go to California Adventure before the end of the month....

Sadly, I didn't get to go paddling on Saturday... however, I was introduced to the Veggie Grill, a little vegetarian place. It is awesome. And I seek more of that goodness. So far, there are only two in the area, and both are agonizingly far from convenience. But if you have any tips on other locations, PLEASE do share. The sweet potato fries and not-really-chicken wings call to me.

Do you remember Sophia's grandpa and his battle with cancer? Get THIS: the cancer is gone. Gone! Can you believe that? God truly does work miracles! So thanks for your prayers. They have been heard!

Mark your calendars for April 10th-19th. One of those days on one of those weekends, you will hopefully be attending "One Voice", a production of Masquer Ministries. I shall provide more details soonly.

Final thought: I'm starting to suspect Obama is full of crap. I've tried to be optimistic, but he's not turning out to be any better than our past politicians. My favorite line of the week is how approving embryonic stem cell research finally allows science to prevail over politics. So then I assume we'll quit distorting the truth about global warming for political gain?

Who are we are kidding?